


(Redux) Worth Fighting For

by lunaschild2016



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2019-11-04 00:16:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 195,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17887892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaschild2016/pseuds/lunaschild2016
Summary: He was ruthless, cunning, and completely committed to protecting his city; but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. She was haunted by a past she vowed to make amends for and resolved to sacrifice her very life it meant she could protect her family, faction and city. Duty and following orders were no longer enough and they both found more than they ever hoped for. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M (Language, Sexual Content, Romance, Fluff, Angst, Tragedy)





	1. Setting The Stage

**Author's Note:**

> [A/N: After much deliberation and obsessing, I have put this fic under a major edit and only slight re-write. This is will hopefully be a bit clearer on the vision I had for the story, world and more importantly the characters. I hope everyone enjoys!]
> 
> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

 

**Setting the Stage**

  
  
He was ruthless, cunning, and completely committed to protecting his city; but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. She was haunted by a past she vowed to make amends for and resolved to sacrifice her very life it meant she could protect her family, faction and city. Duty and following orders were no longer enough and they both found more than they ever hoped for. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M (Language, Sexual Content, Romance, Fluff, Angst, Tragedy)

* * *

 

 

The Choosing age has changed twice since Eric and Four joined Dauntless at sixteen. First, it went to eighteen and then two years before our story starts it was changed yet again by the orders of Marcus Eaton to the age of twenty. Eric and Four have been members of Dauntless for over eight years at the start of the story. The last two years before choosing the dependents were kept to doing faction-oriented duties.

* * *

 

Eric Coulter: 24, Dauntless Leader, transferred from Erudite at 16. (Jai Courtney-original cast member)

Kat Prior, 20, Initiate, transferred from Abnegation at 20 (Chloe Grace Moretz)

Chase Oldham, 24, Dauntless Training Instructor/Intel Ops Officer, transferred from Candor at 16 (Liam Hemsworth)

Tris Prior, 20 (almost 21), Initiate, transferred from Abnegation at 20 (Shailene Woodley-original cast member)

Tobias ‘Four’ Eaton, 24, Dauntless Instructor/Control Room Officer, transferred from Abnegation at 16 (Theo James- original cast member)

Zach Godfrey, 25, Dauntless Legal Liaison Officer, transferred from Candor at 16 (Aaron Taylor-Johnson)

Zeke Pedrad, 24, Dauntless Intel/Control Ops Officer, Dauntless-born had choosing at 16 (Charles Michael Davis)

Uriah Pedrad, 20, Initiate, Dauntless-born (Keiynan Lonsdale - original cast member)

Marlene Banks, 20, Initiate, Dauntless-born (Suki Waterhouse-original cast member)

Lynn Morrison, 20, Initiate, Dauntless-born (Rosa Salazar-original cast member)

Max Cornell, 48, Dauntless Senior Leader, Dauntless-born had choosing at 16 (Idris Elba)

Christina Stevenson, 20, Initiate, transferred from Candor at 20 (Zoe Kravitz -original cast member)

Will Madsen, 20, Initiate, transferred from Erudite at 20, (Ben Lloyd-Hughes-original cast member)

Tori, 32, Dauntless Tattoo Artist, transferred from Erudite at 16 (Maggie Q-original cast member)

Bud, 44, Tattoo Shop Owner/Artist, Dauntless-born choosing at 16 (Sebastian Roche)

Raze, 45, Dauntless Leader, Dauntless-born, had choosing at 16 (Michael Jai White)

 

* * *

 

 

_ So take a look into my eyes one last time _

_ So we never forget _

_ The way we were before _

_ When we came alive at the moment we met _

_ This is still worth fighting _

_ Still worth fighting for _

_ [Still Worth Fighting For; My Darkest Days] _

  
  



	2. Begin At The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric finds the respect he was always denied but at what cost? And what drove him to make the choices he did that led him to his end? Were they worth it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 1 - Begin at The End**

  
  


**_Third Person: Candor Complex, Final Justice Annex_ **

 

In a cold and sterile room made of white marble with swirls of black covering the walls and floor, is a chair of black leather. It’s the only piece of furniture in the center of the stark room and similar in shape to that of a dentist’s chair.

Strapped to the chair is a man clothed all in black. This is the first time he has been allowed to wear the colors of his faction since his arrest a week and a half ago. A small gesture from those leaders that disagreed with what would be happening today.

Maybe it was supposed a kindness or a show of support. Just like their insistence that they still are allowed to be the ones to proceed with his sentence; his execution. It’s ironic really that at the end of it all, he’s finally getting the respect from the faction he always gave everything to. A respect he never received during his nine years there. A respect he never seemed to be deemed worthy of, no matter what he did or gave before now.

In the end, he’s giving his life.

But it hadn’t been all for his faction or even the city. He’s selfish and honest enough about it to admit that freely.

_‘Was it worth it, Eric? Betraying your faction? Your city? Was she worth it, Coulter?’_

Those bitter and taunting words still reverberate through his head. Words yelled by a deranged woman from her own cell when his sentence had been pronounced just hours before her own scheduled execution.

Movement around him draws his attention as the forms of the leader’s council come into view. Filing into the room to witness the final justice of someone who had been one of them once. A leader of their people.

The Dauntless, his former faction, step forward from where the leaders from the other factions stand at the edges of the room, forming a circle around him. Circling him, but the ring isn’t complete because there are just four of the five faction leaders present.

The absence of this specific person brings the man in the chair feelings of both relief and pain.

With the Dauntless leaders in place, the others mimic the circle formation but keep to the outer edges of the room with one exception.

A lone Erudite, Cara, joins the Dauntless.

In her hand, she holds the instrument of his death. A locked box containing an injection gun with the death serum that was pronounced would be used on him instead of being allowed the death of a Dauntless.

The customary bullet to the brain.

For all other executions, the serum is the usual method. It’s painless and works within seconds of being injected into the neck of the person scheduled to be executed. But that isn’t the way Dauntless executed members of their faction. The faction of warriors elected to hold to their way of life right up until the end.

This is purposely being denied the man. The reasoning is that because all five of the Dauntless leaders voted _‘Not Guilty’,_ it isn’t a true Dauntless execution.

It’s all just bullshit and another way to try and make him pay for the crimes he committed. Ones that were done in the line of duty and that he admitted to, but also the ones the other leaders wouldn’t hold themselves responsible for. They needed another patsy to sacrifice to appease the masses demands for more blood.

Deep down he knows it was always going to end this way for him when he made the decision to switch sides. There really was too much blood on his hands and it wasn’t until too late that he realized it hadn’t been for the right reasons. That everything he believed before was based on lies and deceit. He could try and deny that he was guilty since he had been just doing what he believed was right at the time, but that isn’t his style and it wouldn’t do him a bit of good. He accepted it back then and he was doing the same now.

“Eric Coulter, for the crimes committed against your city, your faction, and humanity; you have been sentenced to death by injection of the Erudite death serum. This will be carried out by one of the Dauntless leaders, at their request and per permission of this council. Will the chosen for the proceedings step forward?” Jack Kang’s voice rings out from the side of the room.

Eric tenses and a growl erupts from him as soon as the petite blonde steps forward. “Not her!” He barks out commandingly. “Anyone but her.”

“Eric,” She starts to object, tears in her eyes as she continues to step forward.

He tosses his head from side to side, lips thinned and red in anger. “Not happening, Tris. You know you can’t do this. She will never fucking forgive you for it. Not like this, not after all the shit I…” He stops and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly while trying to compose himself again. “She can’t lose her sister too.” His eyes implore her and demand this of her all at the same time.

Tris bites her lip and looks away nodding. He can tell she is torn between doing her duty as a leader and knowing that what is about to happen would probably destroy her sister.

“I’ll do it.” Four steps forward holding Eric’s eyes and showing him he understands and will take care of it.

Just a year ago, Eric would have thought his former rival would have been eager to be the one to end him. Hell, a year ago Eric would have probably been the same if the roles were reversed.

But, things had changed over the last year.

They changed.

They weren’t friends. Too many years and too many bad encounters had occurred for that to have happened. But they developed grudging respect here at the end. They had common goals and the main ones centered around the people they cared about most.

So, while he knew Four wasn’t stepping up out of the goodness of his heart, he could trust that he would do what he could to protect her and Tris.

In the end, that’s what all this was had been about.

Eric flashes a grateful look and relaxes back into the chair while Four puts a comforting hand on Tris’ shoulder to move her back, but she shakes her head and raises her chin, and shrugs off the touch. Her eyes flash with fire, a look he knows so well, and it’s comforting to see even if the color of her fire in those eyes is off from the ones he loves so much.

“She wanted to be here, but after the trial and then…” Tris trails off and Eric chuckles wryly knowing exactly why her sister wasn’t allowed into this room.

“Unless you want to add to the body count this was the only way to go.” Eric agrees.

There is a clearing of the throat and then Jack Kang speaks again. “Do you have any last words?”

There’s a pause while they allow him to gather himself, or just give him time to speak if he’s going to. The words of a deranged and enraged Jeanine Matthews are still ringing through his mind and a slow smile crosses his face. Not the cruel or wicked smile he is a legend for. This is _her_ smile. The one that is only for her and could only be brought forward by her or thoughts of her.

They flood him now. From their first meeting to their last kiss, and he answers the question that has been in his mind from the day she leaped onto his roof.

“She’s worth it. _We_ were worth fighting for. I found my reason and my purpose, something greater than myself. I can live with it...the blood on my hands...because I know it all comes down to her and those she cares about being safe.” Then Eric’s face turned hard, more into the expression everyone who knew the ruthless and fierce ex-leader would expect him to have. “Don’t fuck up this second chance.” His tone rings with a command that sends chills through the other leaders but amusement and pride through those in black.

The rest of the world fades away for him as he tunes it all out. He already knows how he wants to spend his last few seconds and they sure as hell aren’t with the people in this room. So he sends his mind somewhere else.

He doesn’t see the room around him anymore as the murmured ‘b _e brave’_ motto of their faction comes from the four people at his side.

He doesn’t feel anything as Cara and Four begin to prep his neck for the injection.

All his senses and thoughts are on a playback mode.

The first time he saw her smile, how that wicked grin had rocked his world.

The first time he held her hand. When she opened herself up to him and shattered the illusions that were built up around him. She had torn his world apart within two days of knowing her and hadn’t one clue what she had done to him. He should have hated her and everything he had been led to believe she stood for, but he didn’t and never could.

Their first kiss and how hard he had fought himself before giving in. How nothing else had ever felt as good to him as that first touch of their lips together.

There are so many firsts that they shared together. Some of those firsts would seem insignificant to anyone else, but for them, they had meant everything. Starting from the day that changed his life and the course of the city forever and all the moments in between that made up life, good and bad. They were all well spent in his eyes.

It occurs to him during his reflections, that it actually started for the two of them much earlier than that day she jumped from the train into his life. It really all began with the promise a ten-year-old girl made to herself to set things right made for the love her city, her family and their faction.

Pride and love burn through him along with the pain of the modified serum.

“You did it, angel. You kept your promise.” Eric’s final words were a whisper on his last breath and a smile tilted his lips.


	3. Reflections Of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choosing day dawns and with it new arrivals. One specific arrival takes Eric by surprise and catches him off guard. Who is this girl that awakens him and is it just the mystery he looks forward to unraveling or the start of something more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is still V Roth's Thunderdome. I'm just the girl throwing in her stick figures and cherry bombs.

**Chapter 2- Reflections Of Time**

 

**_Eric-Choosing Day:    Roughly one year ago_ **

 

Whispers of silk moving against silk. Muffled gasps and moans. Flashes of delectable skin, so close and charged with a heat that called to me. These sensory images haunted me through my nights, leaving me in a tangled mess of my own making in bed. The space beside me remained cold, but in those dreams, it burned with the heat of passion. A passion I could never imagine existed in reality, and if ever asked would deny even wanting. Because what those images, those nightmares I’m coming to call them, brought forth in me is a terrible burning in my heart and soul. A feeling of being so complete and of such rapture that the cold light of day leaves me a broken husk of a man.

There aren’t many that get to see beyond the normal mask I wear at all times. I can count on one hand those that have seen anything from me beyond negative emotions but there are only two people that really give a shit to see more anyway.

Lately, even they don’t get to see any semblance of the man behind the mask because that mask is slowly seeping into every part of me.

At twenty-four years old I feel like a man of eighty. The weight of a faction, no an entire fucking city, seems to be pressing down on me.

Now I know why Max was reluctant to make me leader even with pressure from Jeanine. He had needed to know I wasn’t in it just for Jeanine, because if I was then this pressure would make me snap. It would break me. It is trying to break me and it scares the shit out of me every day how close it’s coming to doing just that.

The screeching of the digital alarm clock on my bedside table, as well as the alarm on my watch, alerts me that I need to get my butt in gear and get ready to face another day. One of the worst days of my year is about to start and I need coffee to be able to deal with what’s in store for the next few hours alone. Not even counting the rest of the day.

So, I begin my day with a cup of coffee in my apartment then head out to the meetings that will take up most of the morning before the new initiates arrive. This messes up my normal routine, so that’s another reason to add to my foul mood. I’m not fond of change and I like things in my life in order according to my design.

Chase slides a breakfast sandwich across to me when he takes his place at the conference table. “Zach put a couple of these together for us this morning since we couldn’t do the normal thing.” He mumbles around a large bite he just took of his own food.

“Thanks,” I nod and take a bite while looking over notes and waiting for the meeting to start. My stomach rumbles in the pleasure of having something with substance after me denying it until now.

There is food provided for leaders on mornings like this when there are meetings. Outside of the conference room, there is this area that's set up with coffee and muffins but most of us tend to bring our own crap from elsewhere. The assistant or junior leaders in charge of getting it set up seem to make the coffee taste burnt and the muffins are always stale ones from the day, if not two days, before the scheduled meeting. There was no way I was going to play Russian roulette with the food out there.

 Lauren breezes in late. As usual. Causing all of us to scowl but Chase to scowl even more since he’s the one stuck with her for training the Dauntless-born.

The meeting starts out with the same shit that we deal with for the day to day business, then goes on to cover this year’s initiation. Which is mostly just more of the same shit as years past. Although, there are some new rules that are being implemented this year. Also, cuts are being made this year, steep cuts. Instead of passing everyone through that doesn’t become so injured they can’t continue like in the years before, this year we will have cuts during the stages of training based on the ranks of the two classes.

There was some disagreement about the changes at the time of proposal but in the end, they were approved by simple necessity. This years group is going to be a large one after the absence of any Choosing for the past two years. It boiled down to the fact that we just don’t have the resources to keep all of them and that means the weakest would need to go.

I rub the bridge of my nose as Four speaks up about his displeasure in regard to the cuts and fighting changes. He keeps shooting glares my way, as always pinning all of this shit on me. Never mind that there are four other leaders sitting around this table that are just as responsible for passing the new rules, and Max the senior leader that has final say on anything we do here.

Chase shoots me a pointed look, his way of telling me to keep it cool. I look away and clench my fists on the table while letting the others deal with it.

You would think after over eight years of dealing with each other we could move past old shit, but that isn’t going to happen with me and Four. At times, I wish with all my might that I had been able to prove my suspicions about him so I could get him out of the picture altogether.

With a sigh, I crack my neck and focus back on the meeting. It’s going to be a long hour until the meeting breaks and we can all finally head to greet the new blood.

 

* * *

 

 

The four or five Dauntless members that stand on the roof waiting for the train take bets on what kind of mix we will see in the initiates this year. We tossed around predictions on what faction the first jumper will be from, and what faction will likely be the last jumper.

The Choosing Ceremony has been over for a while now but it takes a good hour for the train to make its way to the jumping point. Max already called that it should be appearing within the next five minutes or so.

Max is handling greeting initiates this year.

He decided this because of what happened the very last initiation we had two years ago. I was in charge of greeting them on the roof and had not been pleased about it, to say the least. When no one stepped up and volunteered, not the first time that's happened, I lost patience. I just decided to toss the first person near me over the ledge. I was informed that, while it had been amusing and we are looking to inspire a little fear in the initiates, that wasn’t exactly the fear the other leaders had been aiming for.

I have mixed feelings about the event. See at the time, it had felt fantastic. For all of three minutes it felt great, and then it felt just as hollow as everything else feels to me lately.

So, I’m glad to hand that particular duty over to him. I have enough on my plate to deal with already. Between being in charge of overseeing training as well as the multitude of meetings I have to attend normally, I already have a full workload. Not to mention that I’m expected to just drop everything and go running to Matthews when she quirks her finger for us too.

It’s exhausting, annoying, and my mood that isn’t great in the best of times is anything but mellow these days.

“Train approaching!” Someone calls out loudly from near Max where he stands ready on the ledge, and Chase nudges me, grinning like the happy fucker he is.

“Remember the bet. The first jumper is gonna’ be a Candor this year.” Chase said with a knowing smile. He’s still firmly pulling for his former faction even though he always loses.

I scoff and roll my eyes at playing this same game even knowing how it’s going to end. But I play along anyway. The guy is my best friend after all.

It still surprises the shit out of me that I became best friends with two former _mouth’s_ , the nickname/slur that is used for the people in the Candor faction.  I’ve always found Candor’s to be annoying, even before transfer, and over the years and having to interact closely with that faction at times as a leader that feeling hasn’t gone away, it's gotten worse.

So the friendship that developed is surprising in general because of where he came from and my usual inability to make friends at all. I guess it helped that we recognized that we both had something from our past driving us. Chase is the only friend besides Zach that can claim to know anything about me or see any other side of me besides what the rest of the faction and city see. They have also seen me at my worst and still seem determined to stick around. That has to count for something.

“Dauntless-born. It’s been Dauntless-born every year since after our choosing.” I say with a smug smirk.

The bet is not about who will be jumping from the train first, but who will step up and take the literal plunge we put all new arrivals through.

After getting off the train by jumping from it, while it’s still in motion, and to the roof where members of their new faction are waiting for them, we have them take one more jump. This one is different because they won’t know what’ll be waiting for them at the end of that jump like they do for the one from the train.

On one side of the roof, there is a ledge where the person greeting the new blood waits, standing on the edge. Behind him is a hole through another roof that’s actually several stories down. The jump must be made from where we all stand, seven stories up. The hole is huge, but it’s completely dark and there’s nothing indicating what, if anything, will be at the end of it to catch the jumper.

This is the only entrance that’s offered to initiates and is one of many tests that they will be subjected to over the course of their introduction to the faction. If they don’t jump, they don’t stay. Simple as that.

I was the last non-Dauntless-born first jumper. Back then, the choosing age was sixteen. It’s been changed twice since then. First, it went to eighteen right after my choosing year. Then it was changed to twenty. So there haven’t been many initiations between mine and now, but what there has been had always ended with Dauntless-born being first.

Chase chuckles at my look and shakes his head. Being the first jumper isn't all that much of a big deal in the long run and we both know that. But, I can be an arrogant asshole and anything I can use to one-up someone, even my friend, I make full use of.

Then we hear it. The horn of the train, letting us know that it’s close and making its way towards us. It slows slightly as it comes around the corner that’s just before the row of roofs that are all part of the compound. It’s the only concession we made for this part. We slowed the train enough that it gave time for all the jumpers to take their turn. That’s not to say that everyone is actually going to make it though. There have been incidents before.

The first car of the train is usually filled with the Dauntless members that went to the ceremony. Usually in either an official capacity or because they had family choosing.

Some of them stay on the roof after they make their jump. Some of them prefer to go to the area where the net is to wait and see the initiates and their reactions to the fall through the dark hole of the roof. Most of the others just go on about their day or duties or start partying.

Dauntless-born came next, interspersed with transfers. At first, I see the normal mix of Erudite and Candor in among the Dauntless-born.  It’s all pretty boring after years of the same. When you’ve watched this same procession many times before anything out of the ordinary will catch your eye in a heartbeat.

So, when two of our prospective initiates are in some kind of altercation or stand-off before they even get off the fucking train, it gets my attention. The fact that the two involved are a Candor boy and Abnegation girl really has me on alert. From the look on the Candor guys face, I’m fully expecting to see a grey splatter on the ground in seconds.

But then I get the surprise of my fucking life.

From the distance they are at from me, I can see the Abnegation girl had been sneering at the boy when they were saying whatever it was they were saying to each other. That changed in a flash as it morphs into a wicked smile that sends chills down even my spine and just as quick I get another shock when she springs into action.

_She_ shoves the _Candor_ from the train. It happened so fast that it wasn’t until he was already in the air that there are reactions from around the roof from anyone that’s actually paying attention. There are some gasps along with calls of surprise and laughter as he falls straight to the roof with surprising force and accuracy, a girly shriek tearing from him as he goes.

“Are you seeing this?” Chase said while gasping in laughter and disbelief from beside me.

Of course, I’m seeing it. I can’t fucking look away. Especially when I see that directly after she shoved the mouth, she jumped herself while laughing all the way.

_Whoever the hell the girl is she’s handling this far better than she should be._

When she lands she goes into a roll. Letting the force of the jump carry her forward and not fighting against it like most newbies do. Instead, she goes into a tuck and roll then pops up, brushing herself off as if she just got a little dust on her jacket and she didn’t just jump from a moving locomotive onto a seven-story roof.

I watch her with narrowed eyes trying to get a better look at her. Up until now she’s either been far away, in motion or turned away from me, preventing me from seeing her face but allowing me to evaluate what I can see.

And honestly, she doesn’t seem to be much of anything.

The grey clothes are typical for a stiff and swallow her up. She’s short, maybe five-six or five-seven. What figure I can make out through the crap she’s wearing seems to be rather boyish. No real indication of curves, but then again her clothes really are made to mask any of that per faction dictate. Abnegation seems to prefer to make their people look like carbon copies of each other with no regard to sex, rather androgynous.

Other people have joined her on the roof in rapid succession, but I haven’t been able to look away. She’s already an anomaly and I’m highly trained to keep an eye out for those. It won’t matter to Jeanine that we haven’t even started training today, she _will_ expect for me to have a report for tonight on anything and everything that’s out of the ordinary.

_This girl is sure as fuck out of the ordinary._

She turns towards the train again and I catch sight of her face clearly for the first time to see her smiling widely. One look at her and that smile and I feel like I’ve just taken a punch to the gut.

The smile is so genuine and carefree. So alive.

I quickly turn away, working to contain whatever reaction I’m having and determine to focus on the other initiates around. But I keep watching out of the corner of my eyes despite my resolve.

Chase elbows me in my ribs and my head snaps to the side to look at him, a scowl on my lips that only deepens when I see the asshole isn’t even looking at me. I follow his eyes, which are as wide as the grin on his face, and see what he’s so focused on. It shouldn’t surprise me that he’s focused on just the person I’m trying not to focus on.

My refusal to focus on her fails completely as a bit of irritation and worry creep in when a Candor girl, who had been hovering over the Candor boy that was pushed from the train, then stomps her way over to the little stiff. She looks like she’s ready to kill the girl in grey and also looks like she would be completely capable of it.

She’s built like an Amazon.

“You could have killed him!” The Amazonian screeches out and goes to put her hands on the smaller girl, who just rolls her eyes and sidesteps the attack, causing the Amazon to stumble and trip to the ground.

“I could only hope to be so damn lucky.” The little stiff mutters. She might be going for a quiet mutter but it doesn’t come out that way and it wouldn’t matter if she had been quiet, because all attention seems to be on her by now anyway.

I know all of my attention is on her. I can’t even help the smirk that tilts my lips up at her response as Chase snorts out a laugh.

“And if you were observing closely, I aimed him precisely where I wanted him to hit with the perfect amount of force. Enough to make him scream like the little bitch he is but not enough to kill him.” She pauses and sighs, almost dejectedly. “I’m still up in the air on whether I did him a favor, or all the rest of us a disservice. Time will tell though I guess.” With that, she shrugs as if she really was torn about her decision then moves off.

Another Abnegation girl just careened to the roof and is apparently who the little stiff was waiting for. She scrambles over to where the new one is crumpled on the ground and tangled up with another damn Candor girl.

“Are we just being fucking invaded here?” I mutter angrily but still can’t take my eyes off of the first girl.

“Mary Katherine! Did you have to push him? He wasn’t going to hurt me.” The new stiff isn’t even standing when she launches into her scolding. But the other girl doesn’t even acknowledge it other than to grimace a little when she hears her name.

Not that I blame her. I already hate the fucking name myself and I didn’t have to spend a lifetime with it.

She helps her scolder up, then helps brush the gravel and dirt off the other girl’s jacket, all while frowning. She locates a tear on the sleeve and scowls at a cut on her friends’ arm before she lets her go and replies finally; a determined look in her eye and a stubborn lift of her chin.

“First of all, I was helping him get over his obvious feelings of inadequacy, shown by his need to fuck with you.” She gives the other girl a pointed look before she continues. “Second of all, yes he would have and if you think different _Beatrice_ , then you are in for a world of hurt during initiation. If you won’t take my word for it, ask your friend here. They obviously know each other. I’m sure she can tell you all about the new resident dick of Dauntless.”

I know with one look at the glare the Candor and his two friends are throwing to the girls that she isn’t wrong. I can already determine that those three are going to use anyone they think might be weaker than them to make themselves look stronger, and they aren’t going to be fair about it.

_They’ll be ones to watch._

“Last of all,” she continues on, undaunted or unaware of the glares being sent her way, or the attention she’s drawing to herself. “Please do _not_ call me by that travesty of a name. I am and will only respond to Kat. If you’re smart, you will change yours too, Bea. I mean unless you just _want_ to live with an instant chastity belt tethered to you.”

The Candor girls jaw, who is apparently friends with the other stiff, drops open while the other Abnegation turns red and gasps. “Mary Katherine!”

There are sputters of laughter all over and I look over at Chase who’s holding in a laugh.

Kat, a much more fitting name, rolls her eyes and sighs.

“Lighten up Bea. It was a joke...sort of.” She sighs but there’s this tilt to her lips that has me tilting my head to the side and wondering what she’s about to spout next as she shakes her head. “I really do think, dear sister, that our parents chose our names as an instant abstinence tactic.” She crosses her arms and taps a finger to her chin as if in thought, but I can see it’s anything but genuine. “Do you think they teach that in Abnegation initiation?” She lets her hands drop to her side, shifts her posture in a blink, and before me is standing the very picture of a perfect fucking stiff.

Bowed head and clasped hands behind the back. Even the way she hunches her shoulders forward seems to be pushing focus away from her, but there’s still that glint in her eyes and the slight tilt of her lips as she keeps going with whatever little show she’s putting on. “By the way fellow Stiffs, someday you will lay with a man or a woman and produce a new little stiff. We expect you to keep the tradition of leg locking names alive.”

She says this all in an almost perfect imitation of the condescending tone of Marcus Eaton. Ripples of laughter make the way along the roof and while I don’t laugh, I crack the first smile I’ve let loose in a very, very long time it seems.

I shake my head in wonder at this strange girl while Chase is holding his stomach he’s laughing so hard. I honestly don’t know what the hell to think. There’s something going on with this girl but I don’t have time to contemplate what it is.

All laughter, amusement, or chatter is cut off when a scream comes from the side of the roof where the train jumpers first land. I know before I even look over to the Dauntless-born pulling the girl from the edge what it means. I also know I’m going to be the one to have to deal with it as well.

Max looks at me and Chase, causing me to groan quietly and give him a curt nod of acknowledgment. I elbow Chase to get him moving. As we’re leaving, I notice that Chase has his head turned to look over his shoulder, trying to get one more last look at the girl I think we both want to stay and observe.

I can’t help but wonder if it might be for the same reason as me and how I feel about any of that.

I know I have a duty to take care of though.

My very last look, just before I go into the stairwell, is of Kat being pulled into a hug by three Dauntless-born, one being a Pedrad. My scowl at having to leave deepens at the look of affection on Uriah Pedrad’s face before I lose sight of her completely.

 


	4. You Sure You're A Stiff?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new initiates are introduced to Dauntless and welcomed at the lunch following their arrival on the roof. The welcome lunch sees Eric encountering Kat and learning more about her. Sparks fly and the mystery deepens while a stunning fact might just end things before they can ever begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: After much deliberation and obsessing, I have put this fic under a major edit and only slight re-write. This is will hopefully be a bit clearer on the vision I had for the story, world and more importantly the characters. I hope everyone enjoys!]
> 
> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 3 - You Sure You’re A Stiff?**

 

** _Eric_ **

 

It took a while to get the young Dauntless-born that hadn’t made the jump off the pavement. Then I had to deal with the sister and hunt down the rest of the family. Once the family was notified and I left them making arrangements for the body and funeral, we had to deal with the sister to the girl who didn’t make it and decide what to do with her.

Luckily, Chase had taken over with Rita. She would be given a chance to finish the jump from roof to net later during the day after she calmed down if she chose to even continue on. I still had to get the paperwork done and speak with Max though and this made me late to the welcoming lunch. But it had given me time to think.

My mind was full of the events from the roof, but specifically, they were full of Kat. I replayed what I had seen from her. Her attitude and gestures, and felt intrigued.

_She’s odd, that much is certain, but is that really an anomaly?_

To find my answer would mean more investigation and I find that I’m not as upset about that idea as I thought I would be, as I should be. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. Which has me wondering why I’m really so interested in her if it isn’t because she’s someone I should keep an eye on for Jeanine.

Her words, _‘Resident dick of Dauntless'_ , run through my mind far too much. She’s in for a surprise if she thought the Candor transfer has anything on that title when compared to me.

I don’t care normally. In fact, I prefer that my reputation precedes me and sets the tone that needs to be set when dealing with the faction, but especially those who are new to it. I shouldn’t care, but for some reason, I care very much that she’s going to see me that way. I care that she’s going to look at me with just as much fear, disgust or barely contained disdain as the other initiates from years previous ended up looking at me with.

How can she not when I know exactly how I’m going to treat her and every other initiate? There can be no favorites, no slack and no weakness allowed, and we have to be harder on those that _are_ weak. The odds of her coming from Abnegation and not being the weakest are very slim and this just ensured that when it comes to dealing with her, she will soon see me at my cruelest.

I shoved those thoughts, and unwanted worries, aside as I make my way to the dining hall. Instead, channeling my irritation on something else.

I hadn’t even found out who jumped first or been able to see it for myself. Now I have to go find Four and pass along a message to him from Max. For some reason, the old man thought that it’s a great idea for me to be the one to convince Four that he should reconsider that long-ago decision to turn down leadership. As if I need a reminder of the fact that it was Four who was offered my spot in leadership and the only reason I got it was because number boy had turned it down in the first place. I get enough digs at my near failure to secure a leadership position already from Jeanine, I don’t need it from Max too.

So, that just made my mood take a nosedive from the brief lift it had on the roof with Kat.

The only good part of the fact that I’m playing messenger is that I might be able to see or interact with Kat again. It’s pretty likely she sat with the other transfers and they tended to all lump together in awe and worship of Four, so it would be killing two birds with one stone.

When I finally do reach the table the only stiff sitting by number boy isn’t the one I’m looking for. I pass my message along as fast as I can, but I can’t help taunting the stiff girl and Four at the same time.

It didn’t cross my mind until after I had clapped Four on the back, much harder than needed, that I don’t count Kat in that taunt or even as a stiff.

With a frown, I make my way over to the table where Chase and Zach will be holding a place for me.

I admit I have to work hard to keep the surprise and pleasure from my face when I see Kat sitting at the very same table my friends are at.

She’s sitting among the other Dauntless-born and members that she seems to be acquainted with. Primarily surrounded by the Pedrad brothers and their little group. She’s sandwiched between the older brother Zeke Pedrad, who’s from the same year group as me, and his younger brother, Uriah Pedrad. I know he has two close friends, Marlene and Lynn, who are both there as well. One of them is on the other side of Zeke while the other is on the other side of the table, directly opposite of Kat.

They all look to be deep in conversation, my friends included. I take a seat next to Chase, who is laughing at whatever is being said and hasn’t even bothered to take his eyes off of Kat. I feel a sudden and unexpected surge of jealousy but quickly shove that down and scold myself. There are so many reasons why that’s wrong that I can’t even list them all, but I go through a mental rundown of them anyways.

_One. She’s an initiate and transfer at that. The only way I need to be looking at her, is how best to turn in her into a proper soldier. Not how best to get her in my bed._

_Two. Abnegation. Need I say more?_

_Three. The chances someone of her physical stature winning out over the others is slim to none. Meaning she likely won’t last past the first fight much less last the entire initiation._

_Four. I’m going to be directly involved in her training and her evaluations and too much could be held against her if anyone ever found out.  Besides, getting involved even a little would possibly give her and others ammunition against me and that’s unacceptable_.

_Five. Four. Though, that actually might be a point in favor of getting some action from her, if only to be able to have something to throw in his face for once._

_Six. Like I even fucking have a chance in hell of getting anywhere with a girl from Abnegation. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up getting with fucking number boy at some point. He’s much more her speed._

This last reason irritated me beyond belief. It’s also the one that I got stuck on when I started that list and has me arguing with myself in my own mind even now, at least an hour after I started it.

One part of me is thinking that it’s ridiculous, considering all I’m really going to want with her is what I want from any other girl, and that wouldn’t be anything meaningful. So, it wouldn’t be any skin off my back if she didn’t want anything to do with me but might be amusing to at least try.

Then there is another voice, an annoying as hell voice that seems to be coming from nowhere, telling me that I’m just fooling myself if I think I’m not wanting exactly that. Something..more..than just simply getting her in my bed.

I guess at some point my arrival is finally noted by my friends. Zach passes over a bowl of ketchup, which I slap onto the bun for my burger sloppily and pretend not to give a shit about the people around me. I feel rather than see them exchanging looks before Chase knocks his elbow against mine, making my scowl deepen when some of the ketchup plops onto my hand.

“We both lost out, by the way,” Chase tells me as he hands over a napkin for me to wipe my hand with.

“What?” I ask as I stop everything and look at him fully for the first time. Even now when talking to me his attention is half focused Kat’s way and I feel intense anger growing in me.

Chase obviously has an interest in her.

From the looks, he’s been giving her every time I’ve caught him looking her way, to the smile playing on his lips even now, I know. It shouldn’t, but this is causing jealousy in me. Jealousy that, I almost think I could get over if it went that way between him and Kat. He’s my brother in all but blood and I’m not going to let a girl of all things come between us.

_I almost think I could manage it for him. But even the thought of it being someone else……_

“What?” I grind out, repeating the question, as my short nails cut into my palms.

Chase turns back to me and frowns, then shrugs before answering. “The first jumper bet. We both lost it.”

It takes a moment for that to register and the rage to subside. My scowl lessens slightly, but not by much. I think my face might honestly be frozen into this position.

“So not a Dauntless-born or a Candor. Who was it then?”

Chase grins and laughs. “One guess.” Then he turns his head to tilt and indicates Kat.

It’s like that gesture is giving me permission to really look at her and I almost regret it.

She’s still wearing the grey clothing of Abnegation. There hasn’t been time for the transfers to be shown to the dorms or to be given their gear yet, but already little changes have taken place.

Her hair isn’t in the tight bun anymore and is hanging freely, letting me get a good look at it finally. It’s long, going down to the middle of her back and looks completely different than the simple blonde I deemed it when we were on the roof. It looks thick and heavy. The way it falls around her shoulders is a mix of waves and straight, appearing like it can’t make its mind up how it wants to be. She has it tucked behind her ears and it frames her face, giving me a free view of her profile close up, and I admit it’s much more pleasing than I gave her credit for earlier. There’s something on her lashes that make them look absurdly thick and long. Her lips have some kind of gloss on them that just makes me want to…..

I shake my head and take a breath before I turn back to Chase, then smirk when his words register for me.

_She’s my first jumper? Well, that’ll help her with points to start out with. It won’t count for much if she can’t follow up with something quickly, but it’s a start. Something for me to work with._

I get back to my lunch while keeping an ear open for what’s going on at the table.

Bits of conversation float down to me and I realize they're talking about what happened on the roof with the Candor she pushed.

Uriah and Zeke Pedrad are grilling her about what went on, with Uriah being way too concerned and close for my comfort, but at least he’s getting information out of her for me. So, whatever I’m…. feeling…. about him, can wait.

“So, he started going after your sister as soon as you got on the train, but not you?” Uri frowns as he asked this.

Kat nods while taking a sip from her cup. She grimaces then looks into it before she looks over at Zeke’s cup. With an impish smile, she switches the two. “Thank you for the offering of your coffee. Such a gentleman.” Her tone is cheeky before she takes a sip, closes her eyes and lets out a sigh of pleasure.

Zeke is sitting there with wide, confused and amused eyes. Uri laughs at his brother’s expression. “I should mention that we made Kat into a coffee addict at some point over the last three years. It got so bad that if we didn’t show up with a thermos for her before school, then bad things were in the forecast.”

“I know you thought you were being cute by trying to give the little stiff girl enough caffeine to make her so hyper that time would stop, but it kinda backfired on you. Thank you for introducing me to this particular brand of ambrosia, though. It definitely got me through my long days of secret training, volunteering, school, more secret training and then sleep.” Kat shrugs and sips more coffee before she puts the cup down and picks up her burger.

Okay. That’s a bit of a revelation, but it also just makes me even more curious and adds to the questions I have piling up in regards to her. It does explain that she knows the Dauntless-born but not how that even began.

_Not to mention, why all the secret training in the first place?_

“Back to the train,” Zeke waves all that away with a grin before getting serious again. “Why do you think he went after your sister and not you?” He asks around a bite of his food.

Kat tilts her head in thought and then shrugs. “Honestly? When we reached the train she had more trouble getting on so he probably saw her as the weaker of the two of us. It wasn’t much to go on, but that could be one reason. He might’ve also have guessed the easiest way to get under my skin is to pick on my sister. I wasn’t exactly quiet when he started in on the both of us, but when he focused on her, I can admit I probably gave him what he wanted when he got a rise out of me. He just didn’t figure that while for most people getting under their skin might result in the exchanging of words or even flustering them, I tend to not be like most people.”

Lynn, who I almost didn’t recognize because of her shaved head, laughs and shakes her head with a proud smile as she looks around Zeke at Kat. “Ain’t that the fucking truth, Kat. Seriously though, your sister’s face when you made the joke about those names being chastity belts and leg lockers...fucking priceless!” She pauses takes a sip of her drink and gets a glint in her eye as glances back over at Kat. “I almost wonder if that was the same face your mom had as she listened to the grunts and pounding coming from behind your door that day.”

Until that moment, I was starting to feel a bit of what I felt on the roof earlier. A lightness from her humor and smile that were working on me, lightening my mood again even if just a little. So, while I wasn’t smiling or laughing, my lips were twitching a little when listening to Kat talking.

All that went out the window with that last little tidbit said by her friend.

“What?” I bark out before I even think about it.

Kat jerks a little and looks down my way. I swear, I see recognition pass over her eyes for a moment. She swallows, and her skin pinks in a blush that shouldn’t look sexy, but automatically have images going through my mind.

Chase clears his throat and shoots me his _'chill out’_ warning look when he realizes my glare isn’t going to lessen until I get an answer. “Kat this is…”

He didn’t get to finish because she interrupts him. “Eric Coulter, Second in Command to Senior Leader Max Cornell. Yes, sir. I recognize you from the council meetings I attended in the past.” She nods respectfully to me and my glare does lessen a fraction.

Pleasure floods me that she not only knows me but is also showing me respect. It isn’t the snide respect shown to me by others that masked their contempt for me until they could get out of my presence again. This is real respect, not the fear that has her friends, as well as the others at the table, holding their breaths and tensed wondering what I’m going to do. 

I wouldn’t and couldn’t let any type of hope that it will continue, but I can enjoy this singular moment.

I nod back to her but that’s it. My scowl is still in place and my eyes haven’t lost their intensity. I can’t back down when the need to know what the hell was going on behind that closed door is riding me so hard. Not to mention that there is a building feeling so intense I don’t know what will happen if the answer is anywhere close to where my mind is going right now.

_The fear these people at the table are feeling right now might be justified._

“Kat. Please...don’t let me interrupt your story.” I motion with my head pointedly for her to go ahead.

She flushes, even more, turning her ears red as she shoots a glare to her friend. Lynn just gives her a small sheepish look and shrug of her shoulders then and waits with the rest of us.

“Well, it isn’t what I’m sure _someone_ was meaning it to sound like. But I’m pretty sure that was what my mother thought it was as she stood outside of the door, expecting to walk in and catch me in flagrante delicto….”

“What the hell is that?” Uri bursts out with his forehead scrunched up in a scowl.

Meanwhile, I feel my eyebrow arching up at the fact that Kat even knows the turn of phrase to be able to use it. I debate educating the kid before his brother beats me to it.

“Come on, brother. I know you don’t have much of it up there, but you do at least have some brains. What do you think she was talking about, to begin with?”

“Sex, but what does that have to do with…” He trails off and you can see the light bulb go off, lighting up his eyes as he starts to grin again. “Oh, I get it.”

Everyone started laughing at this. Kat shakes her head, laughing, but still red around the ears. “I doubt you get the full meaning, but you understand enough about it. To help you out though, one of the definitions is that you’re caught in the act.” She shrugs off the snorts of laughter from her friends at Uriah’s expense and continues on. “Anyways, her face was pretty much what I think you were imagining, Lynn. When she saw what I was doing I got the impression that she didn’t know what was worse; what she thought I was doing when she heard or what I was actually doing when she opened the door.”

“So, what the hell _were_ you doing?” Chase huffed and threw out in a frustrated tone, clearly not being able to stand any more of not knowing as much as I’m feeling.

Kat didn’t answer. She had just taken a bite of her burger. It was her other friend Marlene that put everyone out of their misery by answering while laughing.

“Kat had made a punching bag from her mattress, tape, and blankets. Then she found a way to hang it from the ceiling in her room. The sound was from her hitting and kicking the thing. I remember you said your mom was supposed to be out or something and that’s why you were doing it in the middle of the day right?”

Kat swallowed and grinned in a way I was coming to love. It felt like there was a small piece of the sun shining in the smile with just a hint of something teasing in there as well.

“Yeah. My parents have always been pretty great about giving us privacy and leaving our rooms alone. So, while I had the thing hanging up forever and no one ever saw it, I couldn’t exactly wail on it while they were home. I thought she would be out volunteering for a while and was looking forward to getting a good hour or so in. It was kind of funny because she didn’t say a word to me. She just stared at me in shock as I stood there all sweaty and chest heaving from having been in midstream of my form. Then she wiped all emotion from her face, turned and walked out of the door.”

Uri grinned at her again with a look of fondness while shaking his head. “You know when you told us that I had always wondered one thing, Kat. I never asked before, but if that was your mattress and blankets, then what the hell did you sleep on?”

His tone was serious, worried even and I saw that reflected in the other two friends along with a look of relief from them. I guess he asked the question they have all had among them. The question and their expressions are enough to cause the same worry in me along with a few other things, but I don’t let it show other than my body tensing slightly. The few seconds wait for her answer feels like an eternity as I lift a cup to my lips and try to appear normal and unaffected.

The entire time thoughts of Marcus Eaton and the rumored treatment of his son run through my mind. I know all too well that those rumors had more truth behind them than anyone else knows about, and even they don’t cover how bad it really had been. Those thoughts combined with the anger I’m already feeling has it steadily increasing and I don’t even know if there is a real reason to be feeling any kind of anger.

_What the fuck is going on with me and this girl?_

Kat shrugs casually, clearly not picking up on the worry behind her friends’ expressions. “Well, I couldn’t exactly go to my parents and say; _'Hey, I need a new mattress and blankets since I’m using mine to secretly train to fight ’_. I made the choice and sacrifice knowing what I would have to do. But to answer your question, at the time, I slept on the floor mostly. When it was cold, I used the bathtub. I could also go to Tris’ room and sleep with her on really cold nights, but I couldn’t do that often or she would question things. That was all before mom saw what I was doing though. She never said a word about the incident and I never did either, but the next day there was a mattress on my bed with two blankets.”

I quirked an eyebrow in surprise and tilted my head, unable to remain an observer content to let everyone else ask the questions around me anymore. “Was the…. punching bag...still there?”

Internally, I’m chuckling at the entire image the story conjures up in mind. This tiny girl in her room back in Abnegation with some cobbled together punching bag hanging from the ceiling. I can also admit it impresses the hell out of me, the level of her dedication and creativity.

She looks over at me and nods but our eyes hold for longer than necessary. A blush starts to form on her cheeks, faint but still there, before she answers. “Yes, Sir. I think she might have been positive I would just make another and she wouldn’t have been wrong. I would have.”

The entire time our eyes are locked on each other. I smirk, not only at her answer but at her reaction to me. It’s small, but it’s there, and it leaves me feeling something it shouldn’t. I nod curtly and wipe the smirk from my face as I look back at my food and go back to eating. For the remainder of lunch, I keep a subtle eye and ear on that part of the table while contemplating and analyzing the things going on in my mind and with my emotions.

Something happened on that roof this morning that I needed to just fucking admit to so I could find a way to get over it.

Something in me…. I don’t know… _woke up_ , and it’s unlike anything I have ever felt before. It’s like desire, but not at the same time. It's something much more intense.

For a few minutes after realizing this I have the thought that maybe it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and it’s something that could be resolved by simply getting the kind physical relief with Kat that I have with plenty of others before her. If before I do that I’m able to get a little payback against Four by drawing it out and taunting him before I go in for the kill, well, that can’t hurt things either. It could be exactly what I need. Except, before I even completed these thoughts I’m dismissing them in disgust.

I’ve always found it repulsive how the vultures, both male and female, can’t wait to swoop in and prey on the new blood. Some of them specifically go for the ones they know won’t be around for long or if they can’t rank high enough to be put in any job other than the fence where they won’t have to see them again.

It’s fucking pathetic and I refuse to be one of those people no matter what I’m trying to get out of my system.

Besides, she isn’t something to be made a conquest of. Not for me and for damn sure not any of these other assholes in the faction. Kat is meant for something else and that isn’t anything I can act on. It’s not something I should act on.

_It’s not something I will act on._

I slam my cup back down on the table with a little more force than needed and grip it tightly while glaring over at my best friend when I, once again, catch the looks he’s sending her way. I can’t act on whatever the hell this is I’m feeling, but that doesn’t mean I can allow my best friend to do what I can’t.

Never before have we ever stepped into this territory during our friendship, but it looks like the two of us are going to have to have a talk and soon.

 

* * *

 

“I wish you could stay in the dorm with us.” Marlene lamented as she stabbed a fork into her cake.

Lunch is thankfully nearing the end, and everyone is working on their dessert. Chocolate cake is the favored thing in Dauntless but there are various other flavors that also make appearances. Days like today there is more of the chocolate to go around since it’s a celebration, and everyone is digging in with enthusiasm.

Watching Kat have her first piece of the sweet is testing me in ways that shouldn’t be possible. I watch as she licks her lips to get the little bit of frosting that is on her lip and just shrugs in response to her friends’ statement.

That innocent little move, her tongue darting out and flicking her ridiculously natural looking pouty lips, has me hard in an instant.

Chase groans a little beside me, but I keep mine in, thankfully.

I avert my eyes, adjust myself discreetly and reply to something Zach is asking me about plans for the rest of the day.

After this lunch, I’m technically free. Dauntless is going to be in party mode to celebrate the new recruits being welcomed. This year is the first one in a few years and that means it’s expected to be a bit rowdier than normal. So, technically all leaders are free to join in. I know that myself and a few of the other main and senior members are going to be stationing ourselves around the Pit to keep an eye on things. Especially keeping an eye on those new people to make sure they don’t get into anything they shouldn’t on their first day.

Four approaches the table looking like a mother hen coming to collect a wayward chick. I could tell he’s already in lecture mode. That isn’t exactly a surprise, I just wonder what took him so long to come to collect the girl I know he’s thinking of as his, being a transfer and all.

I look over at Kat when I noticed a complete change in her from just a few seconds ago. When I last let myself look at her she was laughing and relaxed. Thoroughly enjoying her cake and talking to Marlene, reassuring her that she would be fine in the dorm with the other transfers. Even joking that it isn’t her that Marlene should be worried about but the other people if they decide to try something stupid. Then I saw out of the corner of my eye a change that had her living up to the nickname given to her old faction with how stiff she became. Her hands are clenched where they lay on the table on either side of the half-eaten cake lying forgotten on her plate and she is staring straight ahead with a blank look.

“Chase, I’m going to need help with some programming issues that I’m going to ask Zeke to take care of.” He pauses long enough to let Chase make some kind of agreement. “Zeke, can I get your help in control? There are some systems that need reports run on some coding but I have the initiates to take to the dorms and give them the rundown on the rules.” Four speaking drew my attention back to him and I don’t like what I’m seeing at all.

First of all, his eyes keep straying back to Kat while he’s talking. Disapproval is written all over his face with the thinned lips and wrinkled brow.

His tone isn’t as bland or bored sounding as it normally is. It’s tired and almost wary, as are the looks he is shooting her way. I also couldn’t help observing Kat’s reaction as soon as he started to speak. Her shoulders had an increase in tension with a frown that appeared and deepened with his words.

My jaw clenches and my own lips thin. There’s something going on between these two. Some kind of obvious tension that I intend to get to the bottom of.

“I’ll take the initiates to the dorm and give them the rules. You go handle the systems that need to be fixed.” My tone plainly let him know that I would have no argument and my eyes are deadly cold as I fix them on Four, just daring him to push me on the issue.

Four rocks a little on the balls his feet as he looks at Kat, not once at me despite the fact that I’m the one addressing him. I take a quick glance back at her and see a little of the tension has eased in her shoulders. She is even looking at me with a flash of something I can only define as relief in her eyes.

I look back at Four to find him glaring at me.

“Fine,” he grumbles his reply to me then looks right back at her. “Kat, you might want to join your sis….” He stops speaking and grimaces a little. I know he has to realize his tone is bordering on personal, more familiar than he should be with a new initiate. “Join the other initiates at the table soon. It’ll be good to get to know those you’ll be training with the most.” He finishes with a command and a scowl.

“I appreciate the suggestion…. _Sir_. I’ll take that under advisement but I believe that the nine hours I’ll be spending with them every day will be more than they could handle of me. Based on the range of stupidity that will be gathered around me I’m sure breaking them in slowly might be the best approach here.” Her eyes are cold and there is a sneer on her lips as she looks at, and addresses, Four.

I could tell there were some people that are confused and even shocked at the lack of respect in her tone towards Four, who is generally well liked and heavily respected in Dauntless.

Me? I feel fucking amused at the lack of what she freely gave me earlier. It’s a complete role reversal from what seems to be the standard operating procedure in my faction. Kat’s friends, however, all snickered until Four shoots a glare that silences them.

Zeke coughs and stands with a smile, obviously trying not to laugh as he shakes his head. “Come on Four. I’ll see what I can do to help fix whatever mess they made up there.”

Zeke claps a hand on Four’s shoulder and gives him no choice but to go.

Pedrad is probably trying to head off the storm that was about to erupt with the way Four and I are glaring at each other. I could just feel the rage at him, that I had been doing so well in holding back this morning, build by the second at his familiar tone and looks at Kat.

When they’re out of sight she relaxes, and I hear her let out a little breath. I can’t do the same because, once again, I’m caught up in questions that are demanding answers right now.

Chase tilts his head and asked the question I know we’re both wondering. “Do you know Four?”

They’re both from Abnegation originally, but there have been a lot of years between Four transferring and her own transfer today. So it could go either way.

Kat hesitates before she answers and casts a sideways look at Chase while she shakes her head. “I can honestly say that I do not know Four.”

There is an emphasis on the name that’s subtle and slightly mocking. Reminding me all too much of how I say the name the coward picked to hide his real name.

Zach shrugs and smiles in response, but I can see he picked up on it too. He looks at me for a split second and I give a small nod, hoping he will continue on to get more information. “Usually all the new female initiates are all moony-eyed or drooling over him.”

As nauseating as that is, he isn’t wrong. There really have been times where I wondered if the girls in his fucking class did anything besides flirt or drool. Zach is using this to test the waters though, and he hits pay dirt with her reaction to his statement. She was in the middle of eating and started to choke on whatever it was she had been chewing on. She starts gasping and hitting her chest to dislodge whatever she is choking on. Through all that, I could just make out the laughter under it. Her eyes are full of amusement as they tear up.

Lynn had moved over to sit beside her when Zeke vacated the seat. So when she started to choke, Lynn starting patting her back hard, trying to help her. Kat quickly brushes her off then picks up her cup and took a few slow drinks.

A smile plays on her lips after she lowers the cup and clears her throat. She looks like she is about to reply to Zach but she ends up looking at him and bursting into laughter while shaking her head from side to side.

Everyone that’s around and was following what is going on have various states of confused expressions.  I know I’m trying to figure out what the hell was so funny about Zach’s statement. I also know that just seeing her reaction, before I even know more about what caused it, has me feeling relief and amusement.

_It can’t be a bad thing that’s how she reacts to Four, right?_

“Something funny about that?” I ask, lips twitching and the amusement coming through even if I’m trying to hold it in.

Kat nods vigorously with a smile still playing on her lips. “Yes sir, pretty much everything. There would just be no way I would ever…” She chokes again but this time on laughter before she continues on. “I mean, I’m sure he has his good points and is respected around here…. just not my type. I may not know much about what type I have but...not…”

The entire thing is said between bouts of gasped laughter and her hand at her chest as if she’s working hard to breathe. It’s a silly kind of laughter that borders on hysterical.

Mar frowns at Kat. “What’s wrong with him? I happen to think…”

Uri bristles beside his pseudo-girlfriend and looks at her with a scowl. “You happen to think what?” He demands but there is a whine in his voice.

Mar winces and shrugs. “Well, I mean he _is_ nice looking.”

Kat laughs even louder before she calms down and grins. “Okay. If you say so.” Then she taps the table with the flat of her hand to get the attention of Uri and Mar, who are in a silent argument going by their eyeing each other. “Hey, didn’t you say we have the rest of the day off after we get changing and all of that other stuff out of the way?”

Lynn and Mar grin at her and nod, while Lynn is the one to answer. “Were you going to join us after you get changed or are you going to stick with your sister?”

Kat chews her lip in thought and looks truly torn. She finally shakes her head with a small frown that quickly turns back into a smile for her friends. “Nah, it wouldn’t be good to put someone in the clinic on the first night by trying to put up with them. We’ll be fighting soon. That should satisfy that craving for me in due time.” She winks playfully at them. “Besides, you guys mentioned something about showing me the rock-climbing wall. Then there’s that supposedly badass tattoo artist you wanted to introduce me to and you three were kind enough to offer my first tattoo as a welcome home gift.”

_What the hell? Was this girl ever really a stiff?_

Lynn laughs heartily and nods her agreement. “That sounds good. Just remember, no piercings until after fights.”

Kat arches an eyebrow with a sniff before giving Lynn a pointed look. Her eyes moving over her friends face focussing on the septum piercing in her nose.

“Funny coming from you, Lynn. Maybe I’ll get one that can’t be easily located or exploited.” She stops and shakes her head with a scowl. “Also, wasn’t it you that lectured me about going into any fight thinking that I’m going to even let my opponent close enough to exploit something and how I might as well hand them the match?”

Lynn sniffs with a smirk before getting a sly look in her eyes. “Where would you get one then?”

Kat turns a little red at the obvious attempt to embarrass her, but she shrugs it off quickly. “If I get one anywhere other than my ears or nose you mean? I’d most likely go with that place that I almost ripped yours from that one time.”

Kat grins wickedly at Lynn as she pales and pulls an arm across her chest protectively. Answering the question I had of where the hell that had been from, and had me shifting uncomfortably, again.

“That wasn’t funny! That hurt like a bitch and was a dirty way to break out of that hold.” Lynn replies in an indignant tone while turning red and scowling at Kat.

Kat doesn’t look a bit ashamed as she shrugs and lowers her voice, almost but not quite muttering a reply. “Never said I don’t fight dirty. Too many encounters with the Factionless not to learn to fight back any way I could.”

Her response has me and Chase exchanging looks. While my friend is frowning, my face goes blank in the way I have of concealing anything I might be feeling inside.

That was said way to casually for my liking. Not to mention it's dredging up old feelings and memories for me. Not that I can’t commend her for knowing that sometimes you have to get dirty to win, but it makes me wonder even more about her while at the same time wanting to pull far away from finding anything else out.

It feels like a dangerous path towards an attachment I can’t afford.

“Look, guys,” Kat breaks through my thoughts making me look her way again, and I find her looking over at the table where the other transfers, and her sister, are sitting. She’s frowning heavily at whatever she’s seeing over there. “I’m going to go over to check on my sister. She doesn’t look like she’s comfortable with how close that farm boy is sitting to her. I’ll meet you three at the Pit after I get changed and can make my escape. If I can drag Tris away from the Candor girl in a clean break, I want to bring her along so you guys can finally meet her.”

The three of them all agree quickly while Uri says something about calling in the cavalry to help ship someone back to the farm if it gets too bad. She just grins wickedly at him with a nod, says goodbye to the rest of us, and moves off to be with her sister.

I wait until it looks like all the transfers have eaten and are ready to go. This also gives me time to compose myself. I still have to take them to the dorms and give them the rules, and that means more time in her proximity.

 

* * *

 

The looks the others gave to Kat when I announce the cuts bothered me a hell of a lot more than they should. Some are pitying but most are calculating.

Her sister is on the receiving end of the same mix, but I really could care less about that, or what she might be thinking or feeling.

I care about what Kat is thinking.

I want to know why she didn’t turn white when the factionless were brought up while the others around her did, and some even gave horrified gasps. Even her sister flinched at the mention of the new home anyone cut could expect to join.

What was she thinking when she gritted her teeth together and lifted her chin to glare off into the distance with a look that could only be called defiance?

Is she really as fearless as she looks, as her friends were kidding with her about? Is she really as confident as she’s coming off or is that all an act? Is anything that her friends have been saying, that they have all been talking about, true?

I listened closely to everything they were saying at the table, so I caught all the references to the secret training they have supposedly been up to. I know the story of her so-called punching bag hanging in her room back in Abnegation.

All of this is hinting at the possibility that she just might make it and I find myself secretly hoping she does.

_Hope._

That’s not a word in my vocabulary and it definitely isn’t something that I’ve felt before. At least, not in a very, very long time.

Hope is a weakness that can be exploited, and it’s dangerous, but it feels…. good… to have it.

Once again, I realize that something is happening to me.  There are parts of me that are waking up that might be better left buried. I’m just not sure if I want them to stay that way or not. It feels like some kind of life is coming back to me. It’s in an almost painful way, though. Like when a limb has been cut off from blood circulation for so long that it burns and throbs when it gets the blood flow back.

That’s just another point in favor of me not getting involved with this girl in any other way than what falls in my line of duty. No matter how good it feels that parts of me are waking up when I am near her, it’s just something I can’t risk.

Because hope fails and when she doesn’t make it, if I’ve allowed myself to give into this, it’ll just hurt me more in the end. That’s something I swore I would never again allow to happen.

 

* * *

 

Later on that night I find myself in the Pit after a long phone conference that caused me to miss dinner. When I finally made it, Chase and Zach were already camped out at what is unofficially our spot. They have a beer waiting for me on the table and I gratefully drop onto the bench carved from a bit of the rock that makes up most of the Dauntless compound.

I drink deeply and look at those scattered around me, spotting Kat and her group instantly. It probably isn’t a coincidence that they aren’t too far off from us. I would have done the same thing that my friends have done and gotten as close to them as I could without drawing too much attention.

“How was it?” Zach asks me from across the table and I know he’s referring to the goddamn conference call that Jeanine kept me tied up on.

I shrug and set the bottle of beer down. “About as good as those things normally go. I honestly tuned most of it out.”

They give knowing nods and grins before we resume drinking and watching the people around us.

The initiates look to be all gathered in the Pit, taking part in the celebrations around them and getting to know each other. I watch Kat from where I’m sitting as she laughs and talks with her friends and other Dauntless-born initiates. The transfers are in that same area, but look to be sticking to themselves. I can see Kat’s sister among them. Sometimes it looks like the two of them are talking to each other across the groups, but otherwise, they don’t interact too much with each other or the other groups.

It looks like the sisters are divided on the friends they have made or are making, and it makes me wonder what kind of result that's going to have on initiation for them.

On one hand, having Dauntless-born friends could be good for gaining knowledge or support for someone coming from another faction. On the other hand, that’s really limited because the only times she’s going to be able to really interact with them, at least during the first stage of initiation, is when there’s no training going on.

In my own initiation year, I formed very few connections. Chase was in that same year with me while Zach was already a member by then and had been friends with Chase back in Candor. So, I got where the sister was coming from in keeping to those she might have already connected with among the group she will be spending the most time with. But something I learned the hard way myself is that it’s better to start putting yourself in the mind frame that you’re already Dauntless and not a Dauntless-to-be.

Transfers tend to have a harder time relating to their new faction because they cling too hard to the old ways. They don’t know it but that’s something we, the leaders and instructors, look for and if needed take action against. It doesn’t help that the Dauntless around them treat them like outsiders even more as a result of this behavior from transfers.

It’s a right of passage to come down on the initiates and mess with them. Dauntless-born aren’t exempt from this but they are usually expecting it already. Those transfers that don’t try to fit in, however, get singled out the most. Not even fucking Four had been immune to this our year and I certainly didn’t fare better. Incidents of hazing could be fairly cruel and brutal, and while not all of them went so far as physical harm, it’s been known to happen.

So who will be better off in the end if they keep this up?

It’s intriguing to me because I’ve always been for putting the classes together again. My initiation class was so small that it hadn’t made sense to keep the Dauntless-born away from the transfers and I think the class benefited from it. I know of one or two transfers that were credited for helping a few of the Dauntless-born out. The argument that Dauntless-born is too advanced, so need to be kept separate, doesn’t hold water.

_Maybe this would be a chance to prove that it could work?_

Kat is surrounded by the Dauntless-born to the point that she even looks the part. I guess they took her shopping because she isn’t in the normal clothing that we issue to the initiates to start out with.

The first clothes given to transfers are always a jumble of sizes that never seem to be the right ones for the person that’s wearing them. We also stick to issuing out only a few of the t-shirts, tank tops, and pants that are all meant for working out. They’re meant to last just the first few days until they can get themselves to the commissary with a voucher to be kitted out a little better.

With how she looks, if I hadn’t seen her wearing the grey myself, I would never believe she had even come from Abnegation. It makes me wonder if she followed through on that mention of piercings and tattoos or not. That would be something a Dauntless-born would have the balls to do on day one that a transfer wouldn’t. I could just see her doing that though, and it took everything in me not to saunter over her and find out for myself.

Her sister, on the other hand, is clearly wearing the clothing that we issue. It’s obvious by the baggy shirt that swallows her and pants she keeps tugging to try and hold up. She looks awkward in them and with the people around her.

I guess we’re all watching Kat and her group closely because Zach pulls me out of my reflections when he speaks up. “It’ll be interesting to see how she does in training compared to the other transfers if even half of what they were saying at lunch is true.”

I nod and look at him to see him eyeing me and Chase with a slightly worried expression. A glance over at my other friend tells me why. Chase doesn’t even look at Zach as he nods back, keeping his eyes on Kat and causing me to force the scowl from my face as I look away from Zach’s all too knowing eyes and the reminder of the potential storm on the horizon.

“We can hope she might be as good as we’re thinking based on their talk at lunch,” Chase responds finally with a frown.

There’s that hope word again. Apparently, it’s fucking contagious.

I give a grunt and nod my head in response as I look back over at Kat and try seeing her through eyes not tainted with the disorientating mix of sappy and lustful feelings that are trying to take over.

I have my trainer eyes on now as I appraise her for the first time.

She isn’t as small as her sister muscle wise, but it’s easier for me to tell that with what she’s wearing as opposed to the sack her sister has on. It isn’t all that revealing, but the form-fitting long-sleeves do hint at some kind of muscle definition to her slender arms.

There isn’t that much height difference between the two girls, but Kat might be slightly taller. That really isn’t saying much, though. ‘Cause both girls are tiny when compared to any of the male initiates; transfers and Dauntless-born combined.

There aren’t many that are as tall as I am, but they’re all at least double the girl’s size. The only exception to that is the squat redhead Candor transfer, Drew. He’s about the same height as the two of them, maybe a little taller, but makes up for that in his build. He’s stocky and once he gets some tone and fitness going he’ll be built like a bulldog.

Zach’s right though. It’ll be interesting to find out what’s true and what’s not in all that we heard. Even with how open they seemed to be in talking about that, there was a slight air of secretiveness about Kat. Like even with her friends there’s something she kept back or was hesitant to be out in the open about.

It wasn’t until she moved off to sit with her sister that the other three started talking in almost hushed voices and making predictions about when Kat would be up the next morning to start training on her own. They all agreed she would be up well before it was time, they were just debating how early she’s going to try to get away with. I’m left with the impression that it’s likely she will get at it as early as possible.

I shouldn’t be thinking what I’m thinking.

I shouldn’t be thinking about arranging to be in the training room much less thinking about offering to help her here and there. Even if I could justify it as keeping an eye on her and getting answers to questions about her, it’s still a line of thought that I should stop in its tracks right now.

This is, not only dangerous but is stepping way to close to the line of favoritism.

I shouldn’t be thinking _anything_ that I’ve been since she set foot on the roof, but I can’t seem to fucking help myself.

So many unanswered questions and if there’s one thing I’ve never been able to tolerate it is _not_ knowing something. Like my obsession with trying to figure out the plot to any mystery book or movie before anyone else, it becomes something I won’t let go until I have ripped all the mystery away. I live to expose secrets and things that people or places try to keep hidden. It’s just the way I’m wired and always have been. But it’s been ages since I have felt any kind of excitement like I feel when confronted with the mystery she is to me.

How did she come to be so different than any Abnegation I’ve ever known or seen? Even fucking number boy, the Dauntless prodigy, but _especially_ him.

What’s their deal? I don’t believe she didn’t know him from before, not with their reactions to each other. She was disrespectful and mocking straight off the bat in a way that can only come from past involvement or some kind of hard feelings.

Was it romantic in nature? Are they still involved and had some kind of fight before she transferred over? Are they trying to act like they can’t stand each other to maybe throw anyone off the line of thought that they’re involved?  

If so, Kat is one hell of a fucking actress with how she reacted when it was hinted she could have some interest in Four. She looked almost as amused as she was horrified.

I get so carried away in thinking about Four and Kat being involved, even coming up with ways to try and ferret out the truth and make him pay if he is, that I don’t even catch anything my friends are or have been saying until hearing my name catches my ear again.

“I swear, it’s like she even thinks like Eric. Did you catch what she said after she pushed that kid from the train before you made your way down to the net, Zach? She said that she’d done it knowing where she was aiming and how much force she needed to use to make sure she didn’t kill him. Then in the next breath, she muttered that she didn’t know if she did him the favor or the rest of us the disservice. I swear, I could see those words coming from Eric’s mouth.” Chase laughingly retold the story with his bottle raised then took a drink.

I shrugged with a grin, not disputing it at all.

They’re right, and I thought so even at the time. I could see myself saying and doing something like that. Although, I probably would have been a hell of a lot more cruel or brutal about it. I know I would have at least made sure something was broken or bleeding on him by the end of it. I also would never have sounded as playful as she did. The words from her might have suggested she’s capable of it, but there’s something about her that tells me it would take a lot more than someone just mouthing off at her for to really do harm.

That isn’t a problem we share.

Is _that why I’m so drawn to her, though? Is she like me enough that what I’m really feeling is an appreciation for it?_

She’s obviously intelligent and I can’t fault her guts for coming into things like she has. She might not know she’s making herself a target, but it also doesn’t seem like she really cares if she is. In fact, I think with a frown, it’s almost like she _wants_ to make herself a target after that performance on the roof. But even then, her humor is something I appreciate and enjoy. Even when I can tell some of it has a calculated edge to it.

All of that combined, along with the fact that she’s pretty, stunning even, would draw anyone in I think. It’s pretty freaking obvious it has Chase just as much as it has me.

But I wonder if my friends are finding anything about her unsettling, though? Intelligence, humor, the constant edge of truth along with the air of protectiveness she has anytime her sister is mentioned or when she looks at her…..

A shudder of apprehension runs down my spine, but I push it down and deny it while taking another deep drink of my beer.

“Considering who their parents are, I wonder how Kat was able to keep all of that hidden in Abnegation.” Zach says with a frown as he turns his head away from the group of initiates to look back at us.

“What do you mean?” I ask distractedly as I watch one of the Dauntless-born guys getting into an animated discussion with Kat about something that has her laughing with way too much joy in it and has the punk grinning clearly pleased by her reaction.

“Kat and Tris are the kids of Andrew and Natalie Prior. The sister is the older one but not much, from what I understand. I took a look at the file earlier when I dropped them off for Max. It didn’t have the dates listed since Abnegation don’t officially acknowledge birthdays, but it did show the month and year. They’re less than a year apart. I almost thought they’re twins or something and wanted to check if they are.” He says with a shrug at my questioning look before going on. “It’s just that I saw Andrew’s face when they were on stage. Kat was first and Tris right after, but the expression was the same for both. The guy was truly shocked in both instances. It was a complete surprise to him and not a good one judging by the angry and hurt body language he was giving off as well.”

My blood runs cold at this revelation and I have to close my eyes for a moment to regain my composure while also silently cursing myself.

I should’ve seen this coming.

_No, what you should have been doing was not acting like some goddamn hormonal teenager that just realized what girls are and too fucking distracted to pay attention to the signs._

Most importantly, I should’ve been paying more attention when I was being given the biggest indicator there could be on that call with Jeanine. I was only half listening and taking notes that skimmed over the points she was droning on about, more worried about wanting to get off the phone as fast as possible and down to the pit.

Because I wanted to see _her_ again.

Jeanine gave names that I wasn’t even really paying attention to because I knew she’d just send me all the same information by email that she was fucking giving me by phone. There was a name that barely registered and only because she sounded excited about it.

_Prior._

She hadn’t given a first name. That I do remember very clearly now that I’m frantically running that phone call through my mind. There was mention of an aptitude test that didn’t add up or that she was concerned about.

_Is Kat the one she’s talking about or was it her sister?_

For the rest of the night, I watch Kat closely. The longer I watch her, the more sure I am that she will be the one that Jeanine mentioned I need to keep my eye on.

What am I going to do if it’s her?

_Why the fuck are you even having to ask yourself that? You’ll do what you have to do, like you always do. She’s just an initiate. You shouldn’t and won’t give a shit about her!_

I harden inside, reminding myself that I know what my duty is to my city, my faction and most importantly to the promise I made years ago to myself and their memory.

I know what the consequences can be for disregarding a threat, and if she’s a threat she’ll be treated just like all the others I’ve eliminated before.

That place buried so deep inside me I hadn’t thought existed anymore, full of emotions long denied and desire long dormant, has been stirring since Kat fell into my life. Now, I can feel it dying bit by bit at the thought of what I know lay ahead of me.


	5. This Is What You Came For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A strained relationship between two siblings takes steps to mend while Kat spends a restless first night in the dorm. Will Kat be able to avoid the person she knows she shouldn't be drawn to at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: After much deliberation and obsessing, I have put this fic under a major edit and only slight re-write. This is will hopefully be a bit clearer on the vision I had for the story, world and more importantly the characters. I hope everyone enjoys!]
> 
> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 4 - This Is  What You Came For**

 

**_Kat_ **

 

“Kat, are you still awake?” Tris’ voice is soft as she calls out to me.

I roll over to face her bed and the direction of her voice. The faint outline of her shadow is a black smudge in an already mostly black room. I frown up at her in worry. “Yeah, Tris. What’s up?”

I can’t see her face, but I know Tris. I know she’s chewing her lower lip while she shifts slightly to the side. I can tell when she drops the arms she had clasped behind her back to her sides, forcing herself to relinquish a posture long held from habit. I know she’s debating whatever it is that’s going on in her mind and taking her time before she speaks.

_We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak._

A belief ingrained into all Abnegation children from the time they learn they have the ability to speak at all.

“I just….I can’t sleep and I wondered….can I….” She trails off, but I’m already moving.

I pull the covers back and scoot over so that I can make room beside me. I was already laying on my side and I stay that way to allow us both room to fit onto the narrow bed.

She slips in quietly so that we lay facing each other. It takes her a few seconds to position herself and she had the forethought to grab her own thin pillow from her bed. It’s quiet when we settle in, but I know that we won’t be going to sleep anytime soon.

Despite the fact that I didn’t hesitate to move over and let her share my bed, I feel awkward about it. It feels weird to be like this again with my sister. We have always had our own rooms and beds, but there had been a time when we frequently slept like this. We would switch off between each other’s rooms when we were younger. Making a game of it. As we got older, we did less of that, but we did still find ourselves sharing a bed from time to time. If one of us couldn’t sleep or feeling poorly, it was almost guaranteed the other would be there for them.

That all changed years ago.

I know the reason for this on my part, and I think I know the reason for hers too. We've grown apart over the years, as all children do I guess. It hurt, a lot, but maybe we both felt it necessary at the time. I know for me, one of the reasons was because I knew it was necessary to protect her.

“I’m sorry for getting angry with you on the train, Kat.” Tris speaks into the night again, softly enough that only I can hear. “It was stupid of me to be angry you picked Dauntless.” I feel the touch of her hand on mine and return the gesture until we are lightly holding hands. “It’s not like it was much of a shock. When we were younger that was the unspoken dream, wasn’t it? It’s just that, the past few years, it didn’t seem like that was something we shared anymore. You got so good at hiding it.”

I quirked a small smile into the dark. “You got pretty good at hiding it too, you know. I’m sorry as well, Tris. I've been such a pain in the ass to you this last year or so. I just….”

I pause and fight back tears of anger and hurt I carried around for my big sister. It was completely irrational, and I knew it, I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t even begin to try and confront her about it either at the time because there was too much that I was keeping hidden beside my still wanting to be Dauntless.

I can’t tell her everything, but maybe I can tell her enough to try and heal this rift.“I hated the thought of you staying in Abnegation and being miserable there. It didn’t seem like you wanted to leave, but at the same time, I could see how unhappy you were. I was afraid that you thought you needed to stay because you’re the oldest child and no matter how unhappy you might be or would become, you were going to stay.”

I feel her nodding her head, letting me know that I’m right. Then she goes quiet for a little while before she replies “I almost did, Kat. The thing the elders kept saying was stuck playing in my head. As the oldest child, it felt like my duty to be there for our parents to care for them in their end, just as they were there for us at our beginning. That leaving them to face that time alone would be the ultimate act of selfishness.”

I grit my teeth but can’t contain the hiss of anger that escapes me.

_Fucking manipulative bastards!_

It wasn’t all the elders or even all of Abnegation that spouted that crap. This belief wasn’t even mentioned until eight years ago. When Abnegation had a loss that rocked the faction to its core.

Marcus Eaton, our factions head council member, and the person that was given the role of main government head for all the factions had a son that left Abnegation.

Something that hadn’t happened in _years_.

When he did though, Marcus Eaton played the sympathy card for all it was worth, and the elders just ate it up. They were horrified that one of their children left the fold and made every attempt to discourage that from happening again. Even if it meant resorting to guilting kids into denying themselves the chance to live their own lives and go where they belonged.

I let out a slow breath and shake my head.

“We both _know_ that Mom and Dad _never_ believed in that and hated how often it was brought up during our sermons.” I stop speaking again when I can feel myself building up anger that I might just let out in a slew of words about how wrong all of that was. Instead, I focus on what I know is really bothering her.

“Tris...I know that Dad’s reaction was less than…. perfect. I know he is hurt but…” I pause again because I don’t know how to tell her that he will get over it, that he will come to accept this in time.

I don’t know how to say it, because I don’t know if it’s true. I know I don’t see my transfer as a betrayal and I know that my mom won’t have either. I know they both have always pointedly called it _transferring_ while others in our faction, and the other factions do as well, refer to a dependent leaving their faction as _defecting_. Like they are switching sides and becoming traitors. I know he has never said he sees this as a betrayal, but he hasn’t ever said he doesn’t either.

I also know that our picking Dauntless caused him pain. I could see it clearly on his face every time I dared to look for him in the crowd after I let my blood drop on the coals. I don’t regret my choice, but I do regret the pain I’m causing my parents.

“I hope he can forgive us.” Tris whispers and I know there are silent tears crawling down her face. I know because I have them as well. I sniff and brush them away, trying to make myself be strong when I know my sister needs me so much right now.

“It would be selfish if he doesn’t, and he always tries to be selfless, Tris,” I say as firmly as I can. Trying to convince the both of us.

We don’t speak anymore for the rest of the night. She drifts off to sleep beside me finally. I lay there and listen to the way her breathing evens out and try to mimic her and let that lull me into sleep, but it just isn’t happening.

My insides have been a wreck of energy, nerves, worries, and adrenaline; and that doesn’t seem to be fading at all. It probably doesn’t help that when I do manage to get to a state that could be referred to as dozing, the sobs of the Candor transfer Al ( _who I 've dubbed farm boy because he’s even more built than some of the kids from Amity I know_ ) jerk me right back into the consciousness.

So, I end up laying there thinking about everything that’s happened so far and everything that might happen in the future. Analyzing and worrying until I’m sick of my own mind but can’t escape.

Over the years I’ve gotten into this mindset that compels me to review actions over and over again. It might be called survival instinct and I can admit that it has helped me more often than not. It’s just, on nights like this it really sucks to be stuck living the day over and over again. It makes me think too hard and long about things I would much rather _not_ be thinking about. I would much rather be celebrating this momentous day with a well-earned sleep for a job well done and several goals met that I set for myself.

_I escaped!_

Finally, after years of planning and hiding. After years of silent suffering and pain. Not only did _I_ escape but my _sister_ is here with me! Something I had been so terrified was not going to happen but was helpless to stop if she’d determined to stay in Abnegation.

So far our exit from Abnegation and transition to Dauntless is going....well

It isn’t perfect, that’s for sure.

  _It’s going well. Be grateful for that much._

True. It is going well. Not great, but still much better than I could hope for considering.  

The fact that they’re cutting people was not something I knew about or expected and was just as shocked as everyone else when it was announced. I came into this knowing that it’s going to be hard and everyone is going to look at me, us like we’re nothing. They’re going to see two little girls from Abnegation and wonder how we would think we could ever belong or make it in Dauntless of all places. They’re going to think that we have no right to even _try_ to belong here.

That’s dangerous in my book. People that are nothing in the eyes of others are expendable and become the first ones to go.

But I have a plan for this, sort of.

The only thing that could make someone more of a target than being considered as good as invisible and worthless, is being too visible. By being obnoxious and cocky, maybe I can draw some of that bad attention to me and away from my sister.

I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job of that so far.

Granted, I didn’t mean to lose my temper with the stupid _mouth_ like I did. I didn’t intend to push him from the train, but he shouldn’t have gone after my sister like he had. He shouldn’t have been insinuating the things he did with his looks and snide words.

Still, I can tell that there’ll be hell to pay for what I did, no matter that he didn’t get hurt. Even though I figure _he_ might think twice about coming after me or Tris again, I don’t think his friends have enough brain cells to share that same thought with him.

I’m sure I’ll need to deal with the three of them again at some point.

I sigh softly into the dark and screw my eyes closed tight, trying to push away territory I’ve already been over a million times. All that does is bring up an issue I’ve been stoically and stubbornly avoiding.

Thoughts of someone I have no business thinking about and in a way I can’t even begin to handle.

I’m mostly successful at pushing them away again and think I might be able to get some real sleep. Just about the time I’m getting into the beginning of a good R.E.M session, farm boy lets out a loud sob and turns in his bunk so loudly I wonder if he’s throwing a tantrum like a toddler in his sleep.

“Dammit,” I mutter under my breath and know sleep isn’t going to happen for me with or without the caterwauling candor.

I snicker quietly at what might have just become his new nickname and resign myself to the inevitable. I give up sleep and plan for making a fast and quiet exit.

I get out of bed as quietly as possible then get dressed. Luckily, I already laid out the clothes I planned on wearing for our first day of training before I laid down for the night. So I don’t have to go rooting around in the dark for them. They’re conveniently arranged on top of the trunk that sits at the end of my bed.

I have to say, it wasn’t like I was really expecting much when I got to Dauntless or that I even need it for that matter, but what the room we’ve been given to stay in makes my place and stuff back in Abnegation look luxurious.

The room is dark and dank with an air that makes it feel cold and musty. It’s windowless with the same kind of rough stone walls that it seems like most of Dauntless is made of. The floor is concrete that has dark stains on it here and there. The bathroom has large square tiles that at some point must have been white or light grey but look well past what a simple cleaning could make look new. The lighting in the room consists of a couple of large industrial ceiling light fixtures that have big bulbs inside a wire cage along with some faint blue-ish lantern lights that barely cast any illumination and are shoved into the corners of the bathroom area where they don't really do any good either.

The bathroom is fairly open to the dorm. At one point it might have been an entire room of its own but the entry to it was completely opened up.

The toilets are set into stalls that have only partial side walls and no door. The sink area is actually a few really long trough-like sinks bolted to the dingy tiled walls. The mirrors above them aren’t made of glass but some kind of reflective material that slightly warps the image. I heard one of the Erudite girls say that it was a mirror straight out of something called a fun house.

The showers aren’t made of stalls but rather thick see through plastic hanging from chains bolted to the ceiling. There are a total of five shower heads with those makeshift curtains separating them all. If they’re supposed to make the showers private they absolutely fail.

The furniture is very utilitarian but at least it’s sturdy. The bed frames are made of black steel and are well made even if they aren’t much to look at. The headboard and footboard are mostly square with rounded corners that have thinner metal bars vertically through the thick pipe frames.

They’re a twin size, like I had at my parent’s, and have about the same stark but serviceable bedding as those in Abnegation too. The surprising difference is that these all feel like they’re made from the coarsest cloth imaginable. Even the threadbare stuff from growing up was softer than this.  

We were each given a storage container. A black metal trunk type container that rests at the end of each bed. It’s fairly big and has a few compartments in it to keep things like our boots or shoes in one, while putting toiletries and other items in another. Clothes all get lumped together in the main portion of it. When Lynn came into the dorm with me to put all my new purchases away before dinner she told me they’re called footlockers.

I‘m thankful that I’ve always been in the habit of preparing for my day by laying out everything I’ll need the night before. Even though my clothes are different it makes this all so much easier and I can get dressed without making too much noise and waking other people.

After I’ve at least gotten completely dressed, I decide to leave my hair for when there’s more light to see by. I fold up my sleep clothes and drop those on top of the trunk then look over to see my sister still sleeping. I smile and make my way over, tucking the covers around her and feeling a swell of emotions knowing she’s here with me.

I also feel a slight bit of jealousy that she’s getting the sleep that’s completely out of my grasp right now.

I know at least a few people stir or watch my progress out of the room, but I don’t bother to see who they were. I just keep my head down and walk as lightly as I can up the stairs and through the door out into the hallways of Dauntless.

I have no clue what time it was when I gave up trying to sleep in the first place and I still have no clue as I head to where the training room is. As I’m trying to remember how to get to the room where transfers are going to train I curse myself for not picking up a watch while I was out shopping with my friends.

_A watch was on my list as one of the most important items!_

I even mentioned getting one to Lynn, who agreed and was telling me all about a few options they have available but then we both got sidetracked by our arrival at the tattoo parlor. In the excitement of getting my first tattoo, it was completely forgotten. All thoughts of anything that we hadn’t already gotten done on my to do list were gone after getting to talking with Bud and Tori.

Bud is hilarious and we spent way more time than necessary just goofing off with him. Tori was serious and a little reserved but Bud kept dragging her into the conversation with his good natured jokes.

My hand drifts up to the tattoo and I press fingers lightly to the raised skin. I decided to keep it small and simple. The all black ink is just below and behind my left ear. For all that the tattoo was simple and small enough that it didn’t take long to get, it’s still sore. It isn’t unbearable, but I’m definitely feeling how Tori had described I would be for a the next few days. Raw, like the area was scrubbed hard by really hot sandpaper.

The design itself set Bud to laughing his ass off when I tried to simply describe it to him and let him map it out. Then I ended up having to draw it for him. That would’ve been a problem, as I can’t draw for crap, except this wasn’t a drawing so much as a symbol that was composed of geometric shapes.

After I got it down and he refined it to look a bit cleaner and more artistic, he asked if he could put it on the wall. Just in case anyone had a hankering to have a ‘ _brainy_ ’ tattoo ' _that any nose would be jealous of_ ’, as he put it. I guess it fit the bill for both of those descriptions considering it’s the chemical representation of adrenaline.

I agreed and even went ahead and worked with him on the second tattoo I plan on getting. That one is a matching or corresponding design, serotonin, and will go on the other side of my head in the same area placement as my first. I just don’t plan on getting that one until I finish the first stage of initiation and know I’ve made the cut.

My progress to the training room is a little slow.

It’s dark along the hallways with only a faint blue light that comes from long and thin tubes that are run along the top of the walls. Some of the sections of the tubing are completely dark. Like the lighting source is no longer working and has never been replaced. Openings for other hallways appear like black voids of various shapes and give off this ominous feeling when combined with too little light and the jagged stone walls around me.

I have to backtrack a few times because I found myself having picked the wrong void to go down.

There’s something about the quiet of the compound combined with the lack of light that has me tiptoeing along. Every sound being made seems to hit the stone walls in a way that makes it seem like they are really the ribcage of a giant who’s breathing loudly in his sleep and any sound I make will wake the giant up. It’s reminiscent of the story of _Jonah and the Whale_ that was told in Sunday school when I was younger.

By the time I make it to the training room, I finally have my hair braided and secured, ready to start my day.

Stepping into the cavernous training room that’s completely empty of anyone else feels a bit odd.

When I was shown this place, just hours before really by my friends, there were people wandering around a well-lit room. It wasn’t being used as a training room at that moment, more like a gathering place for people that were holding their own private parties away from the Pit.

There had been laughter and yelling and it seemed to fill up the room. But now the room is almost completely dark, and it’s so large that I feel dwarfed in it while at the same time energized as I look around at all the equipment just waiting to be used.

I know I’m going to pay for this. I may not know exactly what time it is, but I know that it’s way earlier than I had even thought of being up by originally. Not to mention I didn’t exactly get a lot of sleep the night before choosing day because of how I had been feeling. Excited, nervous, and worried that something might happen during the night. That somehow my secret and intentions to leave were discovered.

I also know that nothing quiets my mind better than being able to put my entire body and focus into something. That was one of the reasons I made the awkward and ugly thing I called a punching bag to begin with. It was on a night similar to tonight when I needed something to focus on.

_I 'll be using a punching bag to quiet my mind again but it’s going to be a hell of a lot prettier and more functional than that fake one_.

Like a moth drawn to a flame, my sights are set on one right now. There’s nothing special about it other than that it happens to have a light set above it and since I don’t know where the light switches are to light up the entire training room, it works out perfectly.

I also didn’t want to risk lighting up the entire room if I could even have located the switches to do it. I’m unsure that this isn’t against the rules in some way and I would rather not draw attention to me in here right now. I’ve done more than enough of that for the day.

_Right now is for me and only me._

Looking around the room I see that there are other spotlights placed all around the room lighting up different sections and making the room not as dark as it would be without them. It worked out perfectly this way and I made my way over to the bag I picked out to start my warm-up stretches.

Afterwards, I lost myself first in doing my cardio exercises. Those are all a specific set that I do for a certain amount of time or for a certain amount of reps. These were things I could do freely when I got a bit of privacy over the years. I loved these exercises the most because they required nothing but my body and some room to do them in. That suited me perfectly back then because I didn’t have access to the kind of equipment I now have access to.

_Speaking of….._

After finishing those I let myself look around the room and decide what I might want to do next. The other equipment is tempting but some of it are things that I’m not familiar with, and with as little light there is around, I don’t feel comfortable experimenting just yet. Those I can tackle on future mornings after I’ve gotten some experience with the equipment from the training with everyone else.

I could go straight into working the bag, but I’d like to get a bit more cardio in. What I’d really love to do is run but going outside to do that isn’t possible.

I wander away from the bag and spotlight to check out things and see there’s plenty of space for a run in the room. The place is long and wide enough that some decent laps could be made. The question is if there is a path I could establish that wouldn’t leave me running in the dark or into things.

While some of it will be in dark, it looks like the outer edge of the room might be used for laps. There’s a well-worn area that looks to be kept clear of any equipment. The lights are spaced out enough and cast enough illumination that I could get by with it as it is.

_This will work._

I grin as I make my way to where I’m marking mentally as my starting spot and begin to run around the room for a solid hour or so. I don’t know the exact amount of time I run but I use past experience on how many laps I can usually get in an hour to try and keep track.

By the time I’m finished with that I’m thirsty as hell and my stomach is grumbling.

I know I’m going to need to hydrate so I make my way back to the dining hall, hoping to at least find a source of water and maybe even some food.

Although we were warned that food is only served between set times in the dining hall, Lynn also mentioned that there are places around the compound that have food too. I hadn’t thought to ask where those are and what times they are open to serve. Besides those places actually cost points, the currency Dauntless uses for the purchase of items, and I’m not comfortable with that just yet.

Buying or paying for things is a completely new concept for me.

Abnegation just provide the items we need and are allowed to have. We also work doing various tasks that are used as a form of payment for them. As a dependent, I didn’t have to worry about this as much as my parents, but I was still expected to work a minimum number of hours in the volunteer center and among the factionless to earn what little possessions I had as well as any privileges that were deemed faction appropriate. All of that wasn’t much to speak of to begin with.

I know that Abnegation does have a form of payment method available when they have to acquire items from other factions. For instance, there were items that our houses needed to be able to function and those were obtained or maintained by Erudite. The factories that produce all of the consumables and goods for our city are technically Erudite, but they are run with a combination of workforces provided by Abnegation, Dauntless and the factionless who volunteer to get food or other necessities. Depending on what kind of work would depend on who was working it. Menial jobs were always Abnegation and factionless while heavy or dangerous labor was done by Dauntless and factionless.

The actual management of the factories was always done by Abnegation no matter how much Erudite tried to interfere.

Lynn had spent weeks after my first meeting her answering questions and explaining to me about Dauntless. So I knew that as an initiate I would be given a method of paying for anything I might need that Dauntless doesn’t provide, but my points will have to last me through initiation. There will be no more added until I finish initiation and then the amount of points will be monthly additions based on whatever job I’ll be working.

Dauntless do provide some items like Abnegation, though.

The dining hall provides meals at no point cost during certain hours that usually amount to three meals a day, the exceptions being holidays or celebration days.

A clothing allowance is given out at certain times and those clothes are for work or training purposes. Initiates, new members that will need role specific gear, and dependents are all given these allowances. There is a part of the commissary that keeps all the items that are free, the person goes to that area to collect them.

Mar had dragged me to the commissary first thing to get my issued clothing which consisted of basics like underwear, socks, sports bras, t-shirts, tank tops and leggings. Then there were other items like a thin workout jacket, a somewhat thicker jacket for the colder weather, and two sets of the official initiate uniform. Those I would wear when we were informed to wear them. I was also given one set of tennis shoes and one pair of combat boots.

Marlene hadn’t been content with just those clothes though and I was then dragged off to get more clothes that included casual clothes to be worn on off hours. Being mindful of my points, I hadn’t let her push me into going on some crazy shopping spree. Actually, all three of my friends already planned for me coming and had a few things waiting for me. I found out some of them were things they saved their own allowance points given to them by their parents or things they had that they were passing on to me. Things that didn’t fit them or in Lynn’s case, her sister, anymore.

It’s a touching gesture that really means a lot to me considering that out of buying new or having something used, I was still more comfortable with the latter. But I felt bad after getting back and seeing my sister still wearing the things left in a pile on a table in the dorm room for us to search through and pray for good matches.

_Maybe I could see about getting Mar to take my sister shopping at some point. I know my friend will probably jump at the chance._

On my way to the dining hall, I pass a few people. I honestly wasn’t expecting that, but they didn’t bother me and I had no intentions of bothering them. They mostly looked like patrol guards. So, they were either patrolling the compound or heading out to patrol the city and its sectors which let me know that maybe the time wasn’t what could still be considered night if they’re heading out to start their work days.

Entering the dining hall I went to the row of counters that food is normally served from. These are behind semi glass partitions and composed of black steel. Some have warming stations for the hot foods while others are intended to be used for things that need to be kept cool. It’s at one of these that I find a large steel tray filled with ice and bottles of water. I happily grab one of those and start to look around to see what else might be available.

I can smell something coming from the actual kitchen area drifting through the swinging doors that separates the cooking area from the serving and dining areas. I can’t make out what it is I’m smelling but it makes my stomach gurgle and I go on a hunt as my nose leads me to where I see a basket of muffins ready for consumption.

I snatch up one of those quickly, not even caring what kind of muffin it actually is.

“Kat?” A voice calls from behind me, making me turn towards it to find Chase looking at me with his head tilted and his forehead all wrinkled with worry.

I smile at the friendly Dauntless member I met just yesterday, and he smiles back. He still looks worried, so I set out to try and reassure him. I’m sure he’s wondering what the hell I’m doing up so early.

“I couldn’t sleep so I decided to get some training in.”

He hesitated as his eyes move over me, then he nods and clears his throat. “Yeah, I kind of guessed that. Why don’t you come to sit with me for a bit? I was just grabbing some coffee to get myself awake.” He motions over his shoulder with his head towards a table in the actual dining section where there looks to be a large cup of steaming coffee already waiting for him.

I grin and laugh as I follow him over to the table.

I would’ve loved some coffee and ordinarily, there would be no way I could be this alert without a cup or three. Seeing as I was already wired, and I know I’m going to be working my body a lot more, I know water will be better for me.

Besides, it isn’t like I can’t make my way back here and grab some if I feel myself crashing at any point before the actual training starts. And if I don’t, I’m sure I can get a cup at lunch since it looked like coffee is a staple for Dauntless at all hours of the day.

The table we are at is empty of anyone else, as is most of the rest of the dining hall. The sounds of pots and pans being banged around, and voices drift over to me from time to time. I can hear movement outside of the dining hall that leads to the Pit area, but other than that it’s peacefully quiet.

We sit in companionable silence while I drink from my water and Chase takes large gulps of his coffee. He even finishes that large cup and gets up to refill it.

When he gets back I’m peeling my muffin and laughing.

“I can relate.” I say after he takes a smaller sip of his second cup and lets out a sigh.

“I heard about your addiction. I’m surprised you don’t have a cup of it yourself right now.” He says with a smirk and uses his cup of coffee to indicate that I have a bottle of water instead.

I shrugged and smirked back at him. “Don’t want to pass out from dehydration, so sacrifices must be made. I’m sure that around lunch time I’ll be begging for a cup or three. Maybe even try for an IV full of it.”

He let out a laugh at that and I smile and chuckle along with him.

Chase is handsome. Very handsome. His brown hair is a short cut but slightly longer than what Abnegation men wear. It’s a rich brown color and falls in a way that makes it look tousled. It couldn’t be natural, so I’m sure he styles it, but it works on him. As does the small but well-groomed beard he has. Like most guys in Dauntless, he’s tall. I would say he has to be at least six feet tall if not over that, but he doesn’t have a bulky build. He’s long and lean with muscles that look like they’ve been earned by hard work and a lot of use of the fighting skills I’m sure he has been thoroughly equipped with.

Yesterday, as soon as I walked through the dining hall doors with the other transfers, Lynn had pulled me to the table where she and my other friends were sitting at with a bunch of others. She instantly made introductions to some of the Dauntless-born that were at the table as well as the members. Chase was one of those people I was introduced to and I was told he’s one of the trainers during initiation. I guess Chase should come off as intimidating given his physical presence as well as the fact that he’s supposed to be one of the toughest instructors Dauntless has, but he doesn’t to me. He has ice blue eyes that light up when he smiles at me and it make me feels comfortable with him instead.

I can say honestly that I’m stunned and a little intimidated by how striking most of the guys are that I’ve met so far. I wouldn’t say all of them are physically handsome. Some are rough looking and maybe what someone would call rugged. Others are a bit pretty, maybe too pretty for the taste I’m just discovering, but all of them seem to have something in common that I guess is just part of being Dauntless.

The men all seem to have a presence about them, either confidence or an air of intimidation, but it all catches the attention.

Last night I also got a first hand look at how free with affection Dauntless as a faction are allowed to be. The women were flirtatious and daring around everyone and at times it seemed like there was a constant mating ritual taking place in front of me.

Out on the streets of the city and at school, Dauntless don’t dress like they do within the compound. Don’t get me wrong, the amount of skin that they do show out in public is still pretty shocking, but it is like the compound allows them to completely let loose.

The colors available, the designs of the clothes themselves. It was breathtaking all on it’s own. Combine it with just the life the Pit seemed to have with people filling it up doing various things to let off steam, it was like one big dance.

I also couldn’t help but notice that Eric, Chase and Zach drew a lot of attention. While I didn’t see that any of them were returning it to anyone last night, I didn’t know if that was because they weren’t interested in that last night or if they are more reserved in general about it than the others around them.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I paid way more attention to them than I needed to by far. The fact that I kept focusing on one of them in particular didn’t help at all.

_Don’t think about that again, Kat. You’ve done good keeping a tight rein on that so far._

It’s just that it hit me so hard, and I’ve never felt like that before. I know what it is because I’ve heard Mar and even Lynn gush over it before. I know that the thing I felt then, the way my body was responding to that person, were all signs of attraction.

_But seriously…. could it have happened at any worse of a time than when I need to be completely and solely focused on training?_

It isn’t like my life depends on it or anything. Not to mention the fact that it also couldn’t have happened with a worse selection of person.

_Eric Coulter!_

A leader who, I learned yesterday from Lynn and Mar while shopping, isn’t _just_ a leader but will actually be involved in training the initiates. They said he’s made appearances in both groups in the years past, but this year there is a rumor he’s going to be more involved because of the changes to training and especially with the cuts being made.

It made me feel this surge of giddiness that I could be seeing him more and I felt like a naughty school girl crushing on my teacher. Just like the girls at school that had one on an Erudite teacher when were still going to classes. It was completely inappropriate then, even if the guy wasn’t all that much older than we had been at the time, and it’s just as inappropriate now.

I could not stop staring and even Lynn mentioned something to me about how often I looked flustered yesterday. I couldn’t help it.

At lunch when I looked down the table at him there was something in his eyes. He was angry at the time, that much was completely clear to me. If his barked exclamation hadn’t let me know, the fact that it was written all over his face certainly did. But when I looked at him and his blue eyes met mine, I didn’t feel that anger was for me and if it was, I didn’t feel the fear that I could feel radiating off the people around me. I could even see Lynn feeling it.

It felt like I got lost in those eyes, blue with hints of grey, for way too long. Like I was being pulled under and in danger of drowning in them.

Even now thinking about him and that moment sends bits of fluttering through me.

Eric is definitely one of the men I could say is handsome and rugged looking all at the same time. Like Chase, he’s built but where his friend is leaner, Eric has real bulk and size on him. They both share the trait that they wear all that size and power as if it was gained in the hardest way imaginable.

Where Chase has hints of it, Eric practically oozes menace and power. Everything about him, from his perfectly styled hair to the visible tattoos on his neck and arms feels controlled and calculated. There wasn’t anything about Eric that fit into the Dauntless stereotype of being wild but everything about him was inspiring wild feelings inside of me.

I felt like I had no control over the way I was feeling around him and that is absolutely the worst thing for me to try and wrap my mind around. I just didn’t have time to be able to deal with something like that right now, maybe not ever.

No distractions and especially not with a leader of my faction as well as my instructor. Certainly not _that_ leader and instructor.

It’s easy and a relief to be sitting here talking with Chase right now, free from all that the other person I refuse to name makes me feel. He’s free with his smiles and laughs and he has a sarcastic sense of humor that I appreciate. I can also tell that he’s trying to keep my mind free of whatever he sensed is troubling me.

Chase kinda reminds me of a mature version of Uriah and that definitely helped me feel more comfortable with him. It also had me feeling a little more open than I am in general with anyone but those I’m closest too.

“So what really had you up so early to train?” Chase finally asked once he felt I was at ease enough to answer.

I take a sip of my water and shrug before I swallow and answer.  “There were a couple of reasons, but the main reason is that I couldn’t sleep. I was already pretty wired from the events of the day and was having trouble winding down. It didn’t help that there’s a guy that was crying pretty loudly all night. It was almost impossible to get to sleep when he would stop then start back up minutes later and it would have been pointless to just lay there doing nothing.” I gave a side smile as I picked at the bottle in my hands. “Besides, I don’t think I could have trusted myself to not try and physically knock him out if I had tried to stay there. So I got up and decided to get my day started.”

He frowned at my explanation and I could tell he wanted to ask me something, but he didn’t say anymore. “Well, like you said at lunch, it might not be good to put someone in the clinic before fights even start.” He finally says with a teasing note and wink at me.

I laughed and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, if it isn’t going to count for something then I think I’m going to save my efforts.”

“Am I detecting a little bit of hotheadedness from such a respectable young lady?” He asks with a mocking look of shock and laughter dancing in his eyes.

I sucked my teeth and tilted my head, pretending to think. “You might be. I do admit I have a temper, but I don’t always show it. I can have flares of temper that would rival a volcanic eruption but it just depends on the situation, I guess. I have a temper but I also have patience and they do say revenge is a dish best served cold.” I answer honestly and with a little bit of a wicked smile.

He winces and takes a gulp of his coffee then looks back at me with laughter and truth in his eyes. “Remind me not to piss you off, Kat.”

I let out a loud laugh at this, enjoying unsettling someone like Chase. “I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry since I can already tell I like you, but crazier things have happened.”

Chase briefly gives me a smug smile before it turns plain friendly again.

I don’t stay sitting with him much longer after that. He mentioned, offhandedly, that he was up because it’s part of a routine for him and his friends to meet for coffee in the dining hall before setting off to do whatever it is they had planned to do before their own work days really start. I knew that one of those friends is sure to be Eric and I wanted to exit while I still had control of my mental faculties. Seeing Eric would throw that off balance and I couldn’t handle that again so soon, I think.

Besides, I already spent more time in the dining hall than I planned, and I knew it was time to get back to training.

I did feel a bit of disappointment and jealousy when leaving Chase. He would be training the Dauntless-born while I would be stuck with Eric and Four all day.

For completely different reasons I wasn’t looking forward to being around either of those men. In fact, if at all possible I wanted to stay as far from them as I could be allowed to. So it was with some jealousy for my friends I left Chase behind.

He promised to see me at lunch at least. He was even insistent that I should join my friends again and forget what Four might try to say to me about it, while assuring me that he would make sure to be near if Four did try to say something to me about it.

On leaving, I grabbed another bottle of water and made another mental note to pick up one of those reusable metal ones I saw in the commissary when I was getting my toiletries last night. I figure that I’ll have many mornings of training like this ahead of me and I may not be able to grab one of the plastic bottles from the dining hall.

Back in the room I walk back over to my selected bag, set the water bottle and my jacket down then started to plan.

I realized when I was thinking about the water bottle that I had forgotten a few other key items along with my watch last night; namely gloves or tape to protect my hands when working on the bags.

There wasn’t much I could do about getting those things right now and that meant I won’t be able to use my hands as much as I would have liked because they won’t be protected which limited what I can do in my time this morning. My absentmindedness had now officially and severely disrupted my training time and that is unacceptable.

I know I was excited last night about being in Dauntless and with my friends. I know I made a promise to them to try and spend as much time with them as possible in ways other than training, but I need to find a way to balance it all without losing focus.

I want to have fun and live life now that I’m here, but I also have to keep in mind how serious this is for me. And it isn’t just serious for me only anymore. Cuts are being made and Tris and I were already going to be targets in one way or another. Whether it’s actually true or not, to the others we are seen as the weakest links and easy targets.

Those people that are fighting for spots just like we are, are going to go for the easy ones first just to secure themselves a spot. We’re going to need to be stronger than they are but that doesn’t mean that it will be physical strength that will see us through.

_‘Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.’_

That’s one of many phrases that I’ve adopted to be a mantra. These mantras are what I run through my mind as I work out and when I’ve tried calming myself while I do a form of meditation.

Some people do this to find peace and calm, but my goals are different. One of them is to help clear my mind of doubt as I’m fighting. The other is to be able to focus my attention and shut out outside factors or distractions.

I use this every time I train and have used it when sparring with my friends as well and I’m in the middle of this when I feel eyes on me from somewhere around me.

I sense that it’s him. But, I can’t understand how that could be possible in so few encounters. I don’t let on though. I double my efforts in using my mantras to limit the outside interference and to focus then keep on working.

He very well might be trying to do this on purpose. Unsettle or sneak up on me. It could be to test and see if I’m keeping my bearings or awareness.

From the corner of my eye, I catch movement and get my first real look to confirm if my thoughts of who my intruder is are right or not.

When he moves, he moves like a predator. Just that one glance makes me wonder if that’s just the way he moves regardless of if he’s truly stalking me at the moment.

I think it might just be how he moves. Either way, I have to concentrate even harder on my form to not give in to the shiver of pleasure and the wave of confusion at him being so near.

This was exactly what I said I wanted to avoid, so why am I feeling so damn happy that didn’t happen?


	6. Getting What I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of initiation brings Eric face to face and one on one with Kat. Will he be able to keep himself away from her and to the role of Leader and instructor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: After much deliberation and obsessing, I have put this fic under a major edit and only slight re-write. This is will hopefully be a bit clearer on the vision I had for the story, world and more importantly the characters. I hope everyone enjoys!]
> 
> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

_Hey little girl is your daddy home_

_Did he go away and leave you all alone_

_I got a bad desire_

_I’m on fire_

_Tell me now baby is he good to you_

_Can he do to you the things that I do_

_I can take you higher_

_I’m on fire_

_Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife baby_

_Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley_

_Through the middle of my soul_

_At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet_

_And a freight train running through the_

_Middle of my head_

_Only you can cool my desire_

_I’m on fire_

_[I’m on Fire; Bruce Springsteen, E Street Band]_

* * *

 

 

**Chapter 5 - Getting What I Want**

**_Eric_ **

 

The next morning rolled in too quick and on too little sleep before I finally got up at my normal time of four am and started my routine. Luckily this morning there aren’t any meetings on the schedule, so I wouldn’t have to interrupt what I do before my normal workday begins.

My first stop will be to the dining hall to get some coffee with Chase and Zach instead of here in my apartment. Then I’ll get in some training time for myself. I’ll do all of this before I have to spend the day with initiates. I guess you could say it’s my way of preparing for a day that’s sure to be filled with frustration and bullshit. I’ve never looked forward to having to deal with initiation and that was even during the years that I wasn’t as involved as I’m going to be this year.

Just the thought of it is enough to have me scowling and filled with dread. In the past, that was what I normally woke up and felt during initiation, but this year is different because there’s Kat. There’s still a feeling of dread but for a completely different reason than usual.

Last night the bomb being dropped on me about Kat should have obliterated any thoughts that could even hint at any kind of connection or relationship other than me being her leader, trainer, and watcher. I spent the entire night trying to build up the proper anger and hate that would ensure I’ll keep away.

I ran through that list of reasons why it’s out of the question, adding to the list with all the tidbits I found out throughout the day. But all those reasons hadn’t stopped the dreams from tormenting me.

The dream, nightmare…. whatever the hell it was, left me sweating and shaking. That much isn’t new. What’s new is that the faceless person that tormented me previously clearly has a face now.

Kat was there anytime I tried to close my eyes.

The smile that left me feeling like I couldn’t breathe the first time I saw it, that was in full force but this time, it was all for me. 

Before it was just faint images of me with someone, but that was replaced with detailed and visceral images of the two of us together. I had woken up, drenched and gasping for air while at the same time reaching for Kat and feeling such a sense of loss it almost tore me in two when my arms came up empty. I could still feel the warmth of her pressed against me that I felt in the dream.  

The dream also drove me to my shower where the images and feelings continued to assault me until I had to resort to providing myself relief right that second. I stumbled into the shower, sweaty from fighting the dream and the passion that it burned into the waking world and took matters into my own hands. Literally.

Images of her there with me, her body pressed against mine, her lips wrapped around me as her hazel eyes looked up at me with passion and pleasure, had me coming undone sooner than I could have predicted. It had me crying out hoarsely in my release.

I’m left standing here in my shower, panting into the spray, wondering what the fuck just happened to me. It isn’t just that I’ve never felt anything remotely this intense for a  _ person, _ but that I have never felt anything like this  _ period _ .

So, I have to ask myself what I need to do about this? Because this is unacceptable. I could try and shut it down and off like I’ve done all other emotions, but that feels like I’m being a fucking coward, and that just isn’t in me.

I scoff at myself, push away from the shower wall and run my hands over my face before turning my face up to let the shower head on the ceiling wake me up with its stream of cold water.

_ Yeah, that shit isn’t happening. I’m not going to hide like some fucking coward for anything or anyone. _

I also know that at the very least I have to have her, even if all I get is once. If just the thought of being with her could leave me having one of the hardest orgasms I’ve ever had, then having her in the flesh is sure to be ten times that experience.

_ I have to have her. _

So, I know I’m going to try. I also know I’m going to have to wait and bide my time to actually make a move. That doesn’t mean that I can’t set the stage though. Get closer to her and get answers to all these questions I have.

More importantly, I have to make sure that she makes it to the end of initiation because there’s no way I’ll move in before then. 

That’s one line I will not cross not even for her.

The other lines, I know as I get dressed and get my crap for the day together, yeah those are probably going to be blown to hell.

How far I go will depend on what I feel is needed but it’s going to start with inviting myself to her training this morning. I glance at my watch as I head out of my apartment and wonder if I should skip the coffee and scope out the training room. I quickly discount that when I acknowledge that I feel sluggish and my vision is still slightly blurry from not being fully awake or even rested.

_ I need my dose of caffeine too much to skip it right now. _

Chase is in the dining hall already. He’s staring into his cup of coffee and looking contemplative as I join him. I frown at him but don’t bother to speak. I’m too busy getting as much coffee into my system as fast as I can.

“You’re looking way too fucking serious this early in the damn morning,” My voice is still thick with sleep even after half of my first cup.

Chase looks up, tilts his head to the side and sighs as his eyes meet mine. “Eric, we need to talk.” His tone low and serious.

I don’t need to ask but I do anyway, not really looking forward to what I knew yesterday was going to need to happen. I know it needs to happen even more now that I know I’m not going to stay away from her like I fooled myself into thinking I would.

It makes me a bit more snappish when I finally speak after glaring at him over my mug. “What could we possibly need to talk about so early in the morning?”

Chase shrugs, his frown still in place. “We need to talk about her.”

There’s no need to ask who the ‘ _ he _ _r_ ’ he’s referring to is.

“Okay.” I say simply and more calmly than I at all feel.

I really am trying to breathe through it but the jealousy I had yesterday has flared up hard and fast. Like it never went away in the first place. I don’t know how to handle this, and it’s scaring me.

Me! Scared of feelings I shouldn’t be having in the first place but should at least be able to fucking control much better than I am right now.

Neither of us speaks again for a few minutes. My jaw is clenched so tight my teeth grind against each other loudly when I try to work it loose in my efforts to calm down. My hands are clenched tightly around my mug while the muscles in my arms twitch from the effort of locking them in place when all I want to do is use them to fight whatever is causing me to feel the way I do.

Chase remains just as silent as me. He eyes me just as hard as I’m eying him. While I see from his body posture he’s just as tense as me, I also see more expression and emotions pass over his face than I’m capable of right now. He’s much easier to read.

The first emotion seen was wariness when I first spoke. He hadn’t been looking forward to this talk either and is probably unsure what my reaction would be. This isn’t something that’s come up in our eight years of friendship. We’ve never gone after the same girl or even almost gone after the same girl. 

Our dating styles and taste in women are completely different. First of all, he actually dates while my hookups don’t even make it to the full description of one-night stands. The women he gets involved with have personalities and he enjoys doing things that involve more than just sex. The girls I end up with aren’t the type to want more than some dirty talk and I certainly am not looking for companionship. 

This doesn’t help me calm down, comparing the two of us, because it makes me realize that Kat is exactly the kind of girl Chase goes for.

The next emotions I can read in his expression are flashes so quick I would almost miss them had I even blinked. Anger and jealousy, which quickly turn to surprise and worry.

Finally, and probably the most unsettling one for me is an amused kind of acceptance twinkling in his blue eyes. His mouth relaxes into a lazy smirk as the tension seeps from his body then he chuckles before lifting his cup.

“It seems even her friends were wrong on their bets of when she would sneak out for training. She was in here not too long ago and said she was going to be heading to the training room to get started. Just thought I should give you a heads up.” Then he gives a half shoulder shrug and winks at me.

I can only stare at him for a minute, stunned before I realize what just happened here. We’ve always had a way of talking to each other without actually speaking words, so I know by his posture, attitude and even the way he said things, that there’s another message being conveyed to me.

While it might be a dick thing to do, and it might be the worst decision considering my position; I know I’m not going to back down either.

A good friend might.

A good friend might say to the other that neither of us should go after the girl. But I know my brother is stepping away by everything he didn’t say, and I’m grateful as fuck for it. So, apparently, I’m far from a good friend because I’m gulping my coffee down and moving off after a nod in Chase’s direction within seconds of processing all of this.

I deposit my cup into the return dishes area and stride out of the dining hall less than fifteen minutes from entering it. I make my way quickly to grab my things. My personal training sessions take place in the Leader’s private training room and that’s where I leave my bag of gear. It takes me a few minutes to get there and grab my stuff. I decide to get changed here as well while I think about things so far.

I know I’m about to cross the first of many lines this morning. Lines that a good leader would never risk crossing. I guess I’m just as much of a crappy leader as I am a friend because I have no intentions of backing off.

I realized something in the night. 

Something that had me questioning motives that have driven me for so long. Questioning goals that I thought were my own, but now realize that maybe all along I’ve been working for someone else’s goals while having none that belong to just me. I came to the disturbing realization that outside of work, there’s nothing in my life.

I am the job and nothing else, and I’m tired of it.

I’m so fucking tired of giving everything to this faction and feeling empty as shit at the end of every damn night. Tired of never allowing myself to want anything for myself while giving everything I am in exchange. Tired of how I’m looked at and how I have allowed myself to be looked at by others.

I convinced myself that I didn’t want or need any more than what those strangers I sought out could give me. That I got what I needed from them in those brief and impersonal encounters and it kept me satisfied.

_ I get all I could ever want from them with the added bonus of no strings attached, so what more could I ask for, right? _

Wrong. It’s all been empty as hell. Most of the time, it’s just because I’m bored and they’re there and easy. I can say no to them and more often than not, I do. That’s about how it’s gone for me. I could take it or leave it and it doesn’t make any bit of difference in my life if I go without or not.

I’m just as empty as always. Until now. Until her.

I didn’t know what real wanting was until now and I want Kat. I want to feel more of what I’ve gotten a taste of with her.

So fuck being the perfect leader because I’m getting what I want.

 

* * *

 

 

The section of the compound that the training room for transfers is in isn’t very populated because it’s further away from the main part of the compound. The intention wasn’t to put so much physical distance between transfers and the rest of the faction, but that’s what ended up happening.

Once upon a time, both classes used the same training room. Years ago both Dauntless-born and transfers trained mostly together. Then class sizes started to grow and there wasn’t room in the other rooms used for training. They tried to schedule the classes so that one group was using the room while the other was doing something else outside of it, but that didn’t work out and caused all kinds of issues that resulted in delays of stages and initiation completing. So the transfer training room was created from an abandoned area of the compound.

Dauntless is actually much bigger than what’s currently used but so much of it is really rundown or so on the point of collapse that it isn’t safe to move around in much less actually occupy.

It had taken a few years of fighting and pleading for leadership to even get the approval, funding, and assistance from Erudite to get the training room set up. 

This was done just a few years before my transfer, but the process started well before that. I’m told that it was hell trying to shore up the hallways that led to the building that became the new training room and a few people were even lost during the process.

Dauntless is an entire section of buildings on the outskirts of the city that take up a couple of blocks. The exact location and all the entrances are known to only a select few. The buildings themselves are mainly shells because most of the compound is actually set underneath the buildings. Though at the heart of it, what we call the Pit, the buildings above that have been expanded into and outfitted to house the faction living needs.

I’ve looked up the record of why Dauntless wanted to live a cave-like existence and the records are shoddy, to say the least. The best Zach and I have been able to piece together is that Dauntless didn’t actually make the place we call home. At some point in the city’s history, when things started to go bad out in the world, there had been an effort to live or prepare for life underground.

They wanted to create a city-sized fallout shelter but hadn’t fully completed the job.

Now we call it home and mostly, I love it, but sometimes it’s a major pain the ass trying to deal with the day to day struggle of keeping a place like this running safely. That’s saying something coming from our faction, that keeping up a level of safety that’s acceptable to a Dauntless is a struggle.

_ ‘We do not believe in comfortable lives’ is one of the phrases of our faction manifesto for fuck's sake.  But there’s a big difference between a comfortable life and just being able to live your life without having to risk breaking your fucking neck because you can’t get the goddamn lights to stay on. _

I glare at a section of lighting along the hallway that’s completely burned out and mentally log it, adding it to the football fields worth of other tubing that needs to be replaced in various parts of the compound.

As I near the room I can already hear the sound of something going on in there. Once I reach the door, I just stand there off to the side of the entryway and watch her for a little bit.

The room is huge, being part of an old warehouse that we refitted for this purpose. The lights, all but the spotlights that run on their own switch from the main one, are off. Those spotlights are spaced out all over the room with no real pattern. There are few over bags or equipment, and some that hit over the indoor track used for running laps.

Kat apparently selected one of the spots that had one of these lights on and decided it was as good as place as any.

After the dreams I just experienced and feeling the desire for her I do, I was worried if I’m going to be able to control myself. I knew we would be alone in this room together. The chances that any of the other transfers would be up early at all, much less as early as she is, are slim to none. Leaving us the run of the room and more temptation than I’m sure I can handle.

Standing in the doorway, I’m surprised by how much control I’m able to maintain. Maybe because what I find has all of my attention in a way I didn’t expect.

She knows some Dauntless forms, that’s for sure, but she isn’t concentrating on them. If she knows the Dauntless preferred forms that concentrate on the upper body she isn’t using them for some reason. Her movements have a flow to them that lets me know this isn’t her in here flailing around and hoping to be doing something right.

There’s a structure and rhythm to her strikes and it’s fairly mesmerizing as well as intriguing. The form looks to be made up of mainly martial arts with some Dauntless stances thrown in. If I had to place what kind of martial arts she’s using, I would say Taekwondo. That seems to be consistent with what would work best for her build anyway.

Kat is petite and no matter if she was completely fit and in shape, she won’t be able to put off much force behind a punch. Not to the level that any of the guys she’s going to face will be able to. One punch from Kat is not as likely to do as much damage as a punch from one of the guys.

_ I wonder if she knows this and is going with that approach on purpose or is there another reason for her concentrating on this? _

It drew me into the room and I watched her closely. Analyzing her as she would launch into a kick and trying to find any fault with it. She definitely has power behind the kicks and when they land they seem to be precise. Watching her do repeat strikes for the same area shows she has accuracy. Combined with the power behind the kicks that lets me know she’s concentrated on this before.

As I get closer I keep a tight rein on myself, which is thankfully not as hard as I feared, but it’s still a struggle. I work not to ogle or leer at her now that I can truly see her body for the first time. There’s a stirring of desire in me when I see the way her chest is moving with her breathing or how tight her leggings mold to an ass that is way more shapely than it has any right to be.

_ Eyes up, Coulter. _

Kat’s in a dark grey V-neck shirt with black Capri leggings that have some mesh sections on the sides in a lighter color. The outfit is pretty modest for what most women here wear for working out, but it still allows me to see more of her muscle tone and definition and I’m pleased to see that there is real definition there.

I know both Amity and Abnegation have more duties that require physical effort than any other faction besides Dauntless, but you can never really tell what will come out of those factions. Not to mention that nutrition is a major factor of trying to maintain muscle and both of the factions suck ass in that respect. 

Most Amity  _ won’t _ touch meat and Abnegation aren’t  _ allowed _ to touch most meats and have all these other strict guidelines for what they can or cannot eat. At least in Amity, they can have fatty foods and sweats which do help with calories at least. Abnegation gets none of that at all. They might as well be eating cardboard.

I frown deeply at this thought and wonder if maybe there would be a way to see where Kat is nutrition wise and make adjustments.

_ That’ll lead to questions unless you want to do that for all the initiates so you don’t rat yourself out. It might not be the best thing right now unless you can come up with another way to feed her on the sly. _

“I hope that I’m not breaking some kind of rule by being here,” Kat says, panting, just after she leaped up into a higher kick, landed it, then faced me.

I’m taken by surprise that she noticed I was near and that I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t notice the change.

I shake my head, smirking as I move over to the side and drop my bag of gear near where I see a lone water bottle and her jacket sitting. “You aren’t breaking a rule, just a standard. It’s unusual for initiates to take….” I stop and shrug with the smirk still in place “...initiative and want to put in more time to their training.”

Kat laughs as she slows her breathing, then moves over to pick up her water bottle to take a drink. She gets a few sips in before nodding and smiling at me. “Well, I can see with this group, at least, that’s going to be the case.” She shrugs and sets the bottle back on the ground before straightening back up.  “I knew I was going to want to get in some extra time before and after the group, but I didn’t count on being at it as early.”

I frown and think back to my conversation with Chase. He said she was in the dining hall earlier, but he hadn’t said anything about how long she was there. Actually, it sounded like it wasn’t long at all. “How long have you been up and at training?”

She tilts her head and scrunches up her nose in thought before answering. She also looks frustrated before she lets out a sigh of that emotion and shrugs again. “I really need to get a watch!” She grumbles something under her breath before she continues. “But it’s been a good while. I couldn’t sleep.” She walks back towards the bag, so she’s facing away from me while she speaks. “All the excitement was keeping me awake and that wasn’t helped by the fact that one of the guys was crying all night. I did try. I thought maybe I could wait and see if his tears would lull him to sleep, but it didn’t happen.”

She stops and turns to face the bag and looks at it with intensity. “There was no point lying there in the dark doing nothing and just waiting, so I put my time to good use. I got up then came here to do my warm-up stretches and my cardio sets. I noticed the lap area around the edge of the room so decided to do a run. I’m not sure how long that was but I know I got in fifteen laps. Then I went to get some water, ran into Chase and sat with him for a bit before I came here and now I’m back at it.”

The structure and time management of all that she says with a shrug is impressive but it’s hardly what I end up focusing on.

_ Exactly how fucking long was she with Chase and why didn’t he say shit to me about it? _

Then I realize how that sounds considering the fact that Chase took himself out of the running for Kat, and in doing so also let me know he approves of me going after her. As much as I know it makes me an asshole that I’m pissed at him about this, I can’t help it.

“Letting someone else hinder your training and sleep is unacceptable.” I snap, harsher than I intended, but I do mean everything I’m saying. “I expect you to let me know if he keeps that shit up. You need your sleep and we don’t need to keep someone around that’s crying every night for his mommy.”

So much for the concerned tone I was going for.

_ Smooth, Coulter, you don’t sound at all like an asshole. _

I really did mean to soften it and be on the concerned side while still keeping it professional. I guess I’m so out of practice with expressing anything other than my normal that it’s laughable. I wait for her to flinch or any change in demeanor that would suggest I frightened or disgusted her, but it never comes.

She nods to me respectfully and even gives me a small smile. “I was thinking of just buying some earplugs when I get my watch, but I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Sir.”

I pass over the desire to insist she calls me by my name and give her a curt nod back while motioning to the bag, stepping a little closer to her.

“Those were some interesting combos you were throwing out there. I noticed you aren’t using your upper body. Is there a reason for that?” I cross my arms over my chest and let my eyes fall onto her arms and hands checking the condition of them for any injuries she might have that would prevent her from fighting.

“Yes, sir. Tape and gloves were a couple of the items I also forgot to get last night.”

I frown and nod, then glance over to the area where the cabinets that hold all the equipment are. “While it’s good to have those, I can tell you that what we’ll use during training is a lot thinner than what you can buy. It might be better to either go without or get something closer to that. For now,” I pause and wave her over to the cabinet with me. It takes a few seconds to get to that side of the room. “I’ll pull a pair out for you. Did you always use them when training before?”

I search the cabinet for the smaller sizes and end up with a fingerless pair that have Velcro straps to adjust the size.

“Not always. Lynn suggested that I go without first to build up calluses on my knuckles to limit damage later. When sparring together she would bring some for me to wear but otherwise back at home I went without or if I could sneak in some tape, I used that.

I nod and hand her the gloves, feeling pleased when she takes a look at them but doesn’t put them on right away. That lets me know she isn’t afraid to bleed a little if necessary.

I clear my throat and step towards the bag again then wave her forward with a hand.

“Well, let’s see how well you handle the bag now. I want to see the moves in your forms.” I command her and note the change in my tone when addressing her. 

Without anyone here, it comes damn close to being seductive.

She walks forward with an absent nod, but not before I see the slightest widening of her hazel eyes and the tiniest shiver of her body. She’s ahead of me, so I allow a smirk to form on my face in response to her reaction to me.

_ Fuck, that pleases me to no end.   _

I want to push it further to see it again or how else she reacts to me, but I pull myself back. It would please me regardless of what I heard about her previous experience at lunch yesterday. They didn’t go into detail or anything, but I got the impression that outside of an unwanted kiss she received once, she has no experience. What’s even better to me, is that no one has ever interested her before. This was all information gathered when Mar was trying to talk to Kat, as quietly as she could, about maybe setting her up with one of the Dauntless-born guys.

A suggestion that was shot down quickly, thank fuck.

It did the job of letting me know Kat doesn’t have the same aversion or thoughts about intimacy that other Abnegation do. Her reaction now wasn’t obvious, it was small, but it was there, and it makes me feel better about my chances with her.

I watch her as she slowly moves through her forms. She starts out with the Dauntless standards and then moves on. There’s still an emphasis on using moves centering around her core instead of her upper body, and it lets me know that she’s tried to construct her style around it as well.

“You’re starting out in the Dauntless stance to lure in your opponents. To try and make them go for certain moves and then you’re switching,” I state with an approving nod and appraising her critically as I circle her slowly while she’s still moving.

I come to an abrupt halt when I see the slightest shift of posture, hinting at a move that she hasn’t done yet before she stutters in her movements and hurriedly alters them.

Maybe if I hadn’t seen how smooth and practiced she’s been so far I would have written that small misstep off as her being untrained. But I have seen how smooth and controlled she can be and that small slip lets me know there’s more that she isn’t showing me.

_ She’s hiding something. _

I feel excitement rushing through me. Urging me to find out more. To find out if there is more to her and her capabilities. Another layer to her I can rip apart.

At that moment I realize something. It isn’t enough for me to see she makes it through initiation anymore. I want to see how far she can go on period.

“Show me what else you know, Kat. Do  _ not  _ hold back. I’ll know if you do.” All traces of seductive undertones in the command are gone.

My decision has been made. I won’t just be present here and there at her self-appointed training sessions. I don’t care if I’m going to get shit for it, but I’ll be at each and every one of them.

My thoughts are split along two lines in my justification for this.

Officially, I can say that someone needs to keep an eye on her and who better than me? I already have the order from Jeanine involving a Prior. I can say I’m just covering all the bases by keeping close tabs on Kat.

Unofficially, it isn’t just about spending as much time with her as I can, but because I see something in her that excites me. Something I haven’t felt about much of anything, but especially about someone in training. Between that and my desire to keep her here, I know I don’t want to just make sure she stays, but that she’s in the top ranked.

As the hour progresses, the initial worry that I might have to make future sessions an order fades. I’m no longer concerned that she might not want me around and be hesitant with my attention.

When I move closer to her, she doesn’t shy back or away from me. When I go to make an adjustment to her stance and have to touch her to do this, she doesn’t flinch or falter. If anything, she seems just as excited as I feel internally about our interaction. She looks at me for, not so much approval, but guidance from time to time.

She’s even bold and confident, and when I was making a suggestion that she didn’t fully agree with or wanted to know more about why I’m making the suggestion, she voices it. She is never disrespectful about it, but she isn’t shy either. I can see the wheels turning in her mind that is driving her to ask these questions so that she can understand better.

It isn’t all in a professional manner that she’s responding to my touch, but the reactions are so subtle and innocent. 

When they occur there is the faint trace of confusion in her expression or a slight halt in her otherwise sure movements. I know that she doesn’t understand what is going on with herself, I can feel the frustration in her. So, while they are pleasurable to me, I determined to keep these incidents as few as I can considering our activity.

There comes a point where the bag isn’t doing the job anymore. Especially when she started taking the information I’m giving her and adapting it to form new moves on the fly.

I was really starting to feel a little antsy at the lack of my own physical activity, so I moved us to light sparring and found myself having fun with an activity that’s generally more habit than anything else to me now. 

Never mind that I’m getting into very close quarters with her, I’m enjoying this for the spirit she puts into it. The little glint in her eyes and the smile on her face as she faces off against me.

“Careful,” I warn her with no menace in my tone. “You might not like it if I decide to just take off the training gloves with you right here and now.”

I’ve done just that with a few new members in my time. Some cocky young buck that came in thinking he could be disrespectful or challenge someone above him and not have to pay for it. I had no hesitation in teaching hard lessons and it wouldn’t matter to me if that person had only been here for an hour much less months or years.

There’s a reason I have the reputation that I do, but that isn’t what this is with Kat as I give her the warning. Even if she has no real way of knowing if I’m being serious or not, she doesn’t show an ounce of fear.

In fact, her eyes, green in color with gold flecks, seem to turn more golden in color. It’s like watching fire catching in those eyes as her chin lifts just the tiniest amount. Her lips tilt and the wicked smile I saw the morning she pushed the Candor asshole from the train begins to spread across her face.

I shake my head in disbelief and go back at her but don’t give her the full weight behind my hits. She retaliates by pulling a move that has me down on the mat, a smile on my face and a laugh escaping me before I can stop it.

This elfin looking girl had sprung into the air in a move that I can’t even begin to describe but planned on getting Chase to see if it was caught on camera. The result is she has me on the ground and is perched on top of me, straddling my stomach with her knees tucked in tight to my body and squeezing.

She has an impish smirk while looking down at me as I laugh.

“What the hell was that?” I ask with my eyebrow lifted after I’ve stopped laughing.

She chuckles slightly, winded from our sparring and smiling widely. “I actually don’t know what it is.” She blushes at my expression because I don’t believe that for a second. It was too well done. “I kind of dreamed of it once and I think I might have read about something like it somewhere. The image of it jumped in my mind just before and I just went with it. It felt right.”

My watch goes off, stopping me from answering and causing me to think fast. The alarm means our time is up. Or it will be if I go with what usually happens about this time. I normally meet with Zach and Chase for breakfast before we start our official work day.

I know my options and I pick quickly.

I shake my head, smiling up at her and give her hips a gentle squeeze. “You’re going to tell me more about how the hell you pulled that off, but later. We need to get you breakfast and I have to meet with Chase and Zach anyway.”

My hands were on her hips without even knowing it. Kat only realizes this when I let her know with my gentle pressure. She blushes bright pink and springs up and off of me. Then she looks down at me, with a slightly shy smile and offers me her hand.

She’s embarrassed about the contact and knows it was blurring the line of appropriate but isn’t letting it get to her. She’s pushing through her upbringing and inexperience.

_ Brave girl. _

I chuckle and accept the hand but don’t make her shoulder my weight as I rise up smoothly. When I’m up, I hesitate to let her hand drop from mine until I force myself to let go.

“What time is it?” Kat asks after moving over to grab her now empty water bottle and jacket from the ground.

I move over to grab my bag and look at my watch as I shoulder it. “It’s forty-five past 0600 hours. I don’t know what time you started but I can guess you’ve been going at it pretty hard for a while, not even counting what we were doing together.” I stop and look at her sternly as I let my hand drop to hover just at the small of her back, propelling her to walk forward and hopefully not really giving her time to argue. “You also have a long day ahead of you too. Skipping meals won’t be allowed if you want to keep up strength.”

As she asked, I figured what she was worried about, and when I mentioned the time I could tell she was calculating. I know she’s estimating the hours she’s already been at training and how much time is left before the group training is scheduled.

That was something I had done myself when I was in her position. If it hadn’t been for Zach, I probably would have done what I know she wants to do and keep at it. He let me a few times, letting me learn for myself the hard way just what that could do to me. Once I saw how hard those long days become when I made them even longer, I took his advice and relaxed where I could to allow my body to heal.

She looks up at me as we walk and nods with a small sigh. “I could probably use more food for energy if lunch is at the midway point. I did have a muffin, but Lynn was always going on about protein intake to me at school.”

I let a smug smile take over my face as I reply with a simple nod to her. I would have to find a way to thank the Dauntless-born girl for making this easier on me, but that would come later. At least I know now that Kat’s aware what’s needed to keep her body strong and ready. 

_ Maybe I can help that along every morning? _

My hand presses slightly against her lower back as I alter the plan slightly. I had planned to go to the dining hall but that changes without real concious thought.

I didn’t ask if she wants to come along to where I normally have breakfast with my friends, I just steer her in that direction.

I also hadn’t thought if that was a particularly brilliant idea or not beforehand.

It isn’t until I’m at the door and putting in my code that I look over at her. I see it dawning on her that this is my apartment. It isn’t until I see it dawning on her what I’ve done without thinking things through, that it fully dawns on me too.

Her eyes are wide and I wait for her to react, bracing for the inevitable.


	7. The Way That I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat joins Eric and his friends for breakfast. Her reason for leaving Abnegation is revealed and more about the mystery of Kat Prior becomes clear while she struggles between telling the truth or just enough of it to appease the three men. But will she reveal too much and what will happen when she does?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 6 - The Way That I Am**

 

**_Kat_ **

 

My morning has taken a turn I couldn’t have ever predicted, not even in my wildest dreams.

There was no way that I could have predicted my attempt to get away from all the thoughts that were keeping me awake would result in the person I was trying to not think about most turn up as if I summoned him. There was also no way that I could have predicted what happened when he did turn up.

First of all, was my reaction to him. I should have been uncomfortable, or at least a lot more uncomfortable than I was, but I found myself unable to conjure up that feeling. In fact, I enjoyed him being here with me during my self-training.

Yes, he did most certainly intimidate me but in a way that seems to push me to do better. He circles me, watching with eyes that feel like he is stripping away everything I use as my defenses. He doesn’t give me time to feel defensive or self-conscious either. He’s all business as he instructs me. Sometimes physically guiding me through adjustments by using his hands or feet. He isn’t gentle in the way he does this, but he isn’t exactly unkind either.

It’s rough and firm with a no-nonsense and demanding manner, and I try with all my might not to let the flutter and tingling his touch produces in me to show. This is slightly harder to control with the rush of things flooding my body right now and it is completely betraying me.

Adrenaline is flooding me, my skin is buzzing with electricity and I feel energized, refreshed even, despite my lack of sleep. This is all translating into the energy I put into the activity.

The fact that my breathing is labored, my skin is flushed and my heart rate is through the roof can all, thankfully, be attributed to the physical activity. Eric might also just put it down to my obvious excitement of being in Dauntless finally and in the middle of my first session of real training. It’s kind of hard for him to not pick up on that when I even made a comment that I was impatient for this morning to get here and had tried to talk my friends into doing a sparring session after lunch yesterday.

What I can’t handle, and had not expected at all, are the ways that my body is reacting to his presence and touch that I have never experienced before. Like the fact that my nipples have started to harden underneath the material of the sports bra or the sparks that radiate from whatever place he touches straight to my stomach and where a ball of tension has started to form.

I refuse to let any of that get in the way. Having this time with a leader of my faction and my instructor is a rush for me. I want to pick his brain on anything I can think of. Like, some of the moves I’ve learned about from various places. Ones I’ve read about or have tried to piece together with ones I already know to form new ones. His response is more than I could have hoped for.

He actually seems to get excited as well.

His excitement is clearly not as obvious as mine, he doesn’t show it like I am. But there is a light to his blue eyes that makes them shimmer slightly. His lips start to move from smirks to small smiles and there are even a few chuckles thrown into the mix.

Then the ultimate happens. He actually stops me from just trying to show him the moves using the bag, and has me use _him_.

Eric starts to _spar_ with _me_!

His method of sparring and his fighting style is frightening but completely intoxicating in the fact that it shows me just how much I still don’t know. It shows me how far I still have to go. This should be upsetting or disheartening but I can't help but feel excited about it. 

I’ve loved being able to spar against my friends over the last three years but our sessions had to be restricted and were infrequent, especially when we were still going to classes and I had much less time to sneak away. Then there was the factor of being limited in the things we could do because I still had to maintain some semblance of secrecy and I couldn’t do that if I was too injured.

Not to mention that there is also the fact that my friends are novices too. Even though they’ve had more practice than me, they still haven’t had the type of training that we’re all about to get. I didn't realize this before Lynn admitted it but Dauntless-born don't get official training while still dependents. They are allowed to only certain training rooms and only at times when a member is present. Some families start training their kids early but on the whole dependents do a lot of independent training. 

So, getting this early glimpse into what’s possible fuels the fire in me to soak up all of what Eric is offering right now. To take advantage of this opportunity because the chances of it coming along again are slim. I know this isn’t exactly something that should be going on. I should feel guilt or shame about it, but I just can’t bring myself to feel a bit of that right now. My eagerness and excitement are able to do what I hadn’t been able to do for myself, and they drive out the thoughts and feelings of my growing attraction to Eric.

That is, they were gone until now. They’ve chosen to surge back to life now that I’m straddling him and he has the most beautiful smile on his face as he looks up at me.

I swear, I didn’t mean to end up in this position, it just happened after he practically dared me to go at him with anything and everything I have.

So, I decided on a spur of the moment to execute a move that popped into my head. It worked out well, almost a little too well. It took him off balance like I hoped and I was able to follow that through and get him to the ground. The rest of the move was designed to have me deliver a final blow to put him out of the fight, but I knew we weren’t going that far in our sparring.

There weren’t any other thoughts in my mind about the position we find ourselves in until that damn smile makes its way on his face and I swear, I feel like my knees turn to jelly. Which, I guess it’s a good thing I am currently sitting, just not that it’s on top of him.

I have the urge to lean forward and press myself, along with my lips, against his perfect and full ones. I want to run my hands through that perfectly styled hair that is just begging me to mess it up. I seriously think I might be in danger of doing just that as he laughs and smiles at me.

Then a loud shrill beeping starts to emit from the watch on his wrist and breaks the pull I was under, saving me from making a complete fucking idiot of myself.

It leaves me flustered but I try to handle things without showing it. He doesn’t make a big deal of where we left things off at and seems to still be amused as I help him up off the floor. Not that he needed it, but I offered my hand and before I could pull it back when I realized how ridiculous that is, it was already engulfed in his.

“What time is it?” I ask him after he’s standing. I move away from him and take quiet calming breaths while I move over to where my empty water bottle and jacket are on the ground.

Eric follows closely behind me, grabs the bag he brought to the training room and throws it over his shoulder before looking at the watch on his wrist. The smile that was there just moments ago is gone and a slight frown is tugging the sides of his mouth as he checks the time.

“It’s forty-five past 0600 hours. I don’t know what time you started, but I can guess you’ve been going at it pretty hard for a while. And that’s not even counting what we were doing together.” His arm drops as he takes a few steps forward. His tone is stern and almost disapproving, making me flush in embarrassment. Then his hand finds the small of my back and I’m being guided forward, my body just following along with his unspoken command as he looks down at me from my side and continues speaking. “You also have a long day ahead of you too. Skipping meals won’t be allowed if you want to keep up strength.”

The command is obvious by the tone and the way he gives me no time to argue before we’re already out of the training room, but I feel the need to respond in some way instead of just looking like a deer in headlights.

I nod at him with a small smile that hopefully doesn’t look too strained. “I could use the breakfast if lunch is at the midway point.”

His lips tilt back up and I can see the pleasure my acceptance causes in him. I can also guess that the fact that he doesn’t let his hand drop from my back and he keeps me going along on the same course he’s set for, it’s assumed I will be _joining him_.

The entire last few minutes has me flustered. In fact, I’m so flustered that I don’t realize where we are until I hear him pressing a code into the security pad of the door we are standing in front of and I realize that it’s a residential door.

_ Holy shit! We’re at his apartment? _

I swallow briefly and stare at the black door as if it has the answers for the thoughts and questions running through my mind in a rush.

Surely it can’t be proper for me to be going to anyone’s apartment when I’m still not officially a member, right? Not to mention the apartment belongs to a freaking _leader_!

I think about refusing until my eyes move from the spot they had been stuck on and over to Eric.

He’s watching me closely, shoulders tensed and some expression in his eyes I don’t fully recognize. But I can see, at least, that he’s waiting for me to make a decision. That he’s leaving this completely up to me and won’t press me one way or the other.

_He_ doesn’t seem to think this is inappropriate, going by the fact that we’re still standing here together. From all I do know about him so far, he doesn’t seem to be the type that would risk his position by doing anything that would be against the rules. He certainly wouldn’t be the type to take such a risk on someone like _me_.

It’s not like I’m worried that he’s going to want to try anything with me in a sexual way. The thought of that is truly laughable.

Last night showed me where I stand when it comes to attracting the opposite sex, and Eric is so far out of my league it’s not even funny. That fact does sting a little but it helps to reassure me, giving me the courage to make the decision I think I already knew was going to happen.

_ I did enjoy our morning together and I would like more time to pick his brain. Getting another smile from him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world either. What could it hurt? _

I shrug casually with a smile and it seems that’s all he needs to move forward. His hand was already on the door handle with it partially turned, he opens the door fully and motions me to go in ahead of him. I step in slowly as I'm greeted with the sound of someone else in the apartment. They are moving around what I discover to be the kitchen area.

Zach is the one that walks out into the living room portion of the big open space and looks at me. He clearly wasn’t expecting anyone to be with Eric, judging by the way his eyes widen the tiniest amount when they land on me. He smiles at me widely even through the surprise he is obviously feeling.

“Well, I guess we’ve got another person joining us today.” He chuckles easily and says with jovial acceptance when the smile turns almost reassuring to me. He moves forward towards me and helps to guide me into further into the apartment while Eric is setting his bag down behind us. “Would you like some coffee?” He asks with that smile still in place.

We reached a dining table and stopped just before it and Eric joins us quickly, moving to pull out a chair. Eric just looks at me with an eyebrow raised at my confused expression to his gesture. It only takes a second to register the chair is for me and I blush then look at Zach to respond to his question. “Please!” I reply in a pleading tone and a smile on my lips.

He nods with a smile and turns to the kitchen. By the time he returns the short distance with an empty mug for coffee and a glass filled with water, I’m already in my seat and Eric is right beside me.

I follow Eric’s example and pour some of the black brew into my cup and see Eric pushing a few containers my direction. A quick look tells me they have sugar and the non-dairy creamer I know Mar uses in her own coffee. I leave them both untouched, raise my cup to my lips and sip the coffee as is. I close my eyes and sigh in bliss as soon as I do. I thought the coffee from the dining hall yesterday was amazing, considering it’s the first time I’ve had the drink as fresh as it was.

_ But this, this is just pure bliss. _

I open my eyes when I hear Eric chuckling beside me and see him drinking his own black as sin coffee. This coffee might just have spoiled me to any other. Especially when it’s served with a side of Eric.

_ Dammit! Do not go any further with that line of thinking, Kat Prior! _

If Eric noticed the way my ears started to turn red and the blush rising on my cheeks, he didn’t say. He started talking a bit with Zach, who returned to the kitchen and was working on whatever smelled so delicious.

I take the time to look around at the personal area of Eric Coulter and I’m fascinated by what I see.

For one, the apartment is fairly similar in some respects to that of my old home. The walls are bare and white in color. The furniture is simple and stays true to the color and style of the faction it’s being used by. Black is a primary color but the place isn’t dark by any means.

The main living area of the apartment is huge with clearly defined areas for each of the functions. The entryway is marked by hooks, a thin long table where Eric seems to keep things from pockets or his bag. It’s not the bench my parents have in theirs, but the collection of boots and shoes under the table tells me it serves a similar purpose.

The living room is off to one side with tall narrow windows spaced out on one wall letting in lots of light. Another wall houses an entire section of shelving that contains books with spaces in there that have a collection of electronic equipment with the biggest center space containing a huge vidscreen.

The furniture in the living room is set up so that the vidscreen is the focus. Two long couches form an L shape with two armchairs flanking them. A coffee table sits in the center of it all. There are a few lamps in the room to let in more light as well as the ceiling light fixtures.

I notice with a smile that the unexpected books are resting beside and along with all kinds of weapons. Mostly knives.

Shortly after getting settled and about halfway through my cup of coffee, Chase walked in to join us. As soon as he got seated with his own cup of coffee and greeted me, Zach brought a few plates full of food from the kitchen and put them down on the table. Three empty plates and silverware were on the table at first but another quickly joined them when Zach saw I would be eating with the three men.

The plates of food looked to be enough to feed us all but I still sat back, content to wait for the guys to get theirs before I got anything. Eric wasn’t having that so he took my plate and started piling food onto it with a roll of his eyes.

“I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that selfless shit with you, Kat.” His tone was chiding and playful at the same time, but I could tell there was just a tinge of seriousness in it too.

I laugh and shake my head then dispel his worries. “Oh trust me, that wasn’t what was holding me back, Sir,” I say and take the laden plate he hands me. “That was self-preservation and wanting to keep all my fingers intact." I raise one hand up and wiggle my fingers in his direction with a laugh. "I saw how all of Dauntless went after the food at both lunch and dinner yesterday. Not to mention I’ve been eating meals with Uriah Pedrad for about three years now and learned you _do not_ want to get between that guy and food.”

Zach and Chase laughed freely while Eric graced me with another smile and shook his head. “I still don’t understand how in the hell that happened. How did you and those three ever manage to become friends, much less train together for as long as you have?”

The question was friendly enough but I got it wasn’t something he was giving me an option on answering or not. It was a command for an answer.

I had just taken a bite of my eggs so I took the time to chew and think over my answer. When I swallowed, I looked over at Zach and smiled, showing my pleasure at the tasty food. “These are very good, Zach. Thank you for making them.”

I know they see this is my Abnegation coming through, but Zach still looks smugly pleased with the compliment and gratitude. He shrugs casually before answering. “I do better breakfast while Eric tends to do better dinners. It’s never anything fancy but it beats the dining hall. Besides, you aren’t wrong about how everyone tends to fall on their food. Scary shit.”

I giggle as I take another sip of my coffee and let my eyes drift over to Eric to see him looking at me. Clearly not fooled by my stall tactics. His eyebrow is quirked and his lips tilted in a smirk letting me know he expects his answer.

“I’ve always loved to run and that was the main source of trying to keep in shape for me. When you don’t have a gym to go to, running is kind of perfect. I just couldn’t do that openly in the Abnegation sector so, I had to go somewhere else. I had specific routes and times I would run and I almost always saw them around those times, we just never spoke. It wasn’t until one day Mar and Lynn were waiting for Uri when some factionless kids started in on them. I went to help, we got to talking about me being from Abnegation and what I was up to. Uri confessed they started to look for me after they saw me wearing black clothes. He knew he had never seen me in Dauntless before and the three of them got curious. They offered help and things just went from there.”

I answered and immediately lowered my eyes to my plate. I hadn’t been able to miss the fact that as soon as factionless were mentioned the three of them tensed. I was just praying my answer wouldn’t lead to more questions. I’m treading on dangerous territory here. A territory I don’t want to be intruded on, but there isn’t anything I can do now. It isn’t like I can lie about this especially since they can always just demand answers from my friends.

So I sip my coffee and hope they move on from this subject.

We eat a bit more, and for a little while, I think that is just what we are doing, moving on. Until Chase speaks and I almost choke on my bite of food. “So do you often disguise yourself in the clothes of other factions?”

I take a drink from the water glass Zach had for each of us on the table, swallow and then look back at Chase’s frowning face.

“I guess you could say I did, but only because I had to. Running or hanging out with my friends wasn’t exactly something I could do in my normal Abnegation clothes even if the color alone wouldn’t set off alarms. They just weren’t made for the kind of physical activity I needed. So, I came into possession of a few items that were mainly from Candor and Dauntless. Obviously, the ones from here worked better for me but it was a bit easier to mix and match the two if I needed to. If I tried to use any other factions clothes to mix it up, it would have made me look factionless and that would have spelled more trouble for me than it was worth. Not to mention it would have been pointless since I was trying not to draw attention. A factionless kid running around by themselves or with Dauntless kids would have definitely drawn attention.”

I wasn’t even done when Eric started to mutter something under his breath with his forehead heavily wrinkled. By the time I finished answering he was looking at me with his piercing blue eyes and demanded from me something I had been hoping that I could avoid.

“You said yesterday that you’ve had encounters with the factionless. How bad did those get?”

_ Shit. _

While it wasn’t the absolute worst question he could have asked, it still wasn’t something I was comfortable getting into. Not even my friends or family knew about me and the factionless and it wasn’t something I could talk about openly to anyone, even my family who I would say I’ve always been close to.

_Especially them actually_.

I’m not going to be able to get away with  _ not _ telling him something, I just don’t know how truthful I should be.

“Tell me everything, Kat,” Eric demands firmly from me as if sensing my thoughts just by my silence alone.

I nodded while looking at my plate and let out a small sigh before looking back at him and the other two. “I’ll tell you what I can. It’s just, I’ve never really talked about this before with anyone, even my family who know about it.” I admit truthfully and hope this ploy will work. Give them the complete truth about one thing to avoid talking about anything else.

I reach out to take another drink from my water and see Zach pale and flinch at my words, causing guilt to rise up a little and leaves me needing to reassure him.

“It probably isn't as bad as that just made it seem. I just have never been able to talk easily about myself or my feelings, even with my family. I guess that is an aspect of Abnegation too ingrained in to get over so easily.”

He nodded at me but his lips were still thinned and he still looked like he was expecting something horrible. A look around shows me that all of them look to be thinking the same thing, just showing it in different ways.

Eric looks the least affected by things.

His face is blank but his jaw is twitching in just the slightest. I decided to focus on him when I answer. I can’t even begin to understand why, when anyone else would probably be put off by his demeanor and expression.

I think it’s in his eyes. They seem to be the greatest weakness for me when it comes to him.

“When I was younger, a lot younger actually, my sister and I had the hardest time in controlling ourselves and being the perfect Abnegation that our faction expected of us. Especially since our parents are considered to be role models of what it really means to be selfless. Tris and I chafed under all the restrictions though and rebelled. It wasn’t until we were just about to be in our teens that something happened to change all of that and I got better about hiding everything I felt inside. I get the need for people like my mom and dad, their selflessness is truly awe-inspiring, but I was miserable there. No matter that I understood where they were coming from and that Abnegation is necessary, I just never belonged.”

During this, I could see a bit of loathing and disdain crossing Eric’s face as I mentioned Abnegation and I tried to stop my defensive nature from rushing forward. I tried to see what he might and try to explain myself better.

“Sir,” I say looking directly at him and holding his eyes with my own. “I know Abnegation isn’t perfect, no faction is. I know that some of the people in that faction are just as capable of thinking they’re superior as say….” I pause and shrug thinking of people I have known from different factions, “...someone from Erudite or Candor.”

My admission causes Chase to grunt agreement into his cup of coffee and Zach to give a bark of laughter while looking over at Eric, who just sat there still looking at me with a blank expression but for a second amusement danced in his eyes. He gave a small nod in my direction, so I went on.

My thoughts turn a little darker as one person in my faction comes to mind who fits that description but is also the worst example of humanity ever. “In fact, I am sure that there are people in the faction that have no business being there at all.”

I leave out the fact that he has no business exiting and instead close my eyes against the thought of how much I would love seeing him being one of the people to plunge over the chasm and never be seen again. I feel someone nudge me and I open my eyes to see it was Chase who is looking at me with worry. I nod at him with a smile and look back at Eric. He’s studying me intently with his head tilted, looking contemplative but patient.

“Then there are people like my mom and dad that show me how good a faction can be when the person truly belongs. They show me what it can be like when a person is truly committed and working to do their best to not only be the example to other members of their faction but to find true happiness in the role. It was never more apparent to me than when I worked alongside my mom with the factionless. The people she tends to adore her. After a while of wondering why they never seemed to act the same way towards me, I came to realize it was because they knew my heart wasn’t in it. I was just going through the motions but my mom was genuine in her want to help them and the concern she showed them. There were times my mom was helping another elder of the faction and the interactions between those two and the factionless were like night and day. The other woman was a bit like me in that she was going through the motions. Everything she did was exactly what an Abnegation should be doing, but there was always this undertone to it. That she was somehow better than them. My mom never had that and the only time I _ever_ saw her be anything other than giving and generous was when one of the factionless was getting out of line or being confrontational.”

I pause and reflect on all of my words and feel the guilt I’ve always lived with at how much I failed at being close to as good as my family. “I’ve always had issues with that and it was apparent in how my interactions went. They could sense it, even if on the surface I was nothing but the perfect Abnegation. They weren’t hostile to me exactly but I could tell the difference in how the responded to me when compared to her. Sometimes I would look at my parents and I was envious of the life they made for themselves in Abnegation.”

“How so?” Chase speaks up with a frown and his head tilted.

“It’s not that I wanted to stay there or regret leaving, because I don’t. When I picked Dauntless it wasn’t on some kind of whim or spur of the moment decision. I made the choice, knowing I was leaving all of that behind.” I say confidently to Chase in case he had been thinking otherwise. “What I envied, but have hope I can feel now that I am where I belong, is the sense of peace and completeness they had by just being where they belonged. Their lives weren’t easy by any means and the work at times seemed overwhelming, but I could see there was contentment for them that came from the fact that they were giving all their dedication to their faction to make a difference. So, as much effort as they had to put into that every day, it was like they got just as much back in the knowledge it was where they wanted to be.”

I pause and breath through a wave of sadness. “They may never know it, but that alone gave me the courage to leave. How could I see their example and not long for the same for myself?”

“You couldn’t.” Zach agrees with me and gives me a smile. “Do you think there are more people like your parents in the faction or are the others more like the elder you mentioned?”

I had taken a bite of food, hoping that what I’ve said so far was enough to distract from the topic of the factionless encounters. I finish chewing, swallow and then answer with a shrug.

“It isn’t like I know everyone in the faction personally. Most of the people I worked with or around, were dependents of the same age or elders I was assigned to and that was generally a female as well. But, from the people I have worked with and gotten to know, I think that it is fair to say most are similar to my mom. Maybe not as dedicated or content as she is, but on the whole, I think most of the people in Abnegation try to be that way. To find peace with a life of service. If I’m being completely honest though, I can say that I know there have to be more people that stayed in Abnegation because it was what they knew in life. We’ve spent all our lives set into a routine and I think that's scary and hard to break free from. I don’t think that is limited to just Abnegation either. It doesn’t help that dependents of all factions are told one thing but another is expected from them. On one hand, we are told that when we take the aptitude test we will find out where we belong. Then we are given the choice to pick something completely different and there is always that unspoken expectation from our parents and faction that we will stay. Because leaving would be a betrayal. So you’re a traitor if you leave, but it’s just as wrong to not follow the test. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

I huff out the last part and am rewarded by nods from the guys as they ate and listened to me.

I picked up my fork and got a few bites before Eric looked at me knowingly and spoke up. “I get it. So what changed for you then? You mentioned….” He pauses and pushes food around on his plate with a scowl “...that something changed things for you. What happened?”

I lay my fork back on my plate while thinking and put my hands in my lap, trying not to wring them. “Do you three remember when Dauntless used to actually patrol and police the factionless and Abnegation sectors instead of just responding to incidents after they occurred?”

I look up at the three of them and see Chase and Zach casting wary looks in Eric’s direction. Eric himself has lost the blank facial expression, the only way to describe how he looks now is, dark. Foreboding almost.

“Yes.” He says with gritted teeth.

Going by the demeanor and reaction of the three of them, I guess that not only do they remember, but have been somehow personally affected by that time. It makes me falter and my hands shake a little bit. I wish I could take the words back but it’s too late and I know now more than ever Eric isn’t going to let me get out of not telling them.

So I press on and try not to let my voice waver too much as I start speaking.

“For years, I heard my father saying that Dauntless needed to be there and any time there was a vote, he always held to keeping them in place.”

The pause I take is enough time for Zach to interrupt me. “That can’t be right. I’ve seen the minutes from the council meeting where the order was given to have Dauntless pull out of those sectors and your dads' vote was the deciding vote. Did something happen to change it?”

Their eyes were all on me and I felt the crushing weight of my actions and what it had done to the city. 

“I happened,” I can’t help that it comes out as a hushed admission as I train my eyes down and refuse to look at any of them. “My refusal to obey faction dictates and my wild side often got me into trouble. And because she is my sister, and I more often than not drug her into it with me, Tris was by my side when it happened. She never complained or even tried to stop me, though I wouldn’t say she was as eager to get up to things as I was. But she was always there for me and that day was no different. We were up to something that I can’t really remember other than we were definitely doing something we shouldn’t have been.”

I frown and my nose wrinkles as I try to remember what we had been doing in the first place, and it finally comes to me. “We were trying to climb up the side of a building using some of the fire escapes and ledges like we saw some Dauntless kids doing at that same building once. Anyway, some factionless men caught us unaware. I’m sure you can guess what they wanted, so I won’t go into those details.”

“Kat…..did they….” Chase asks with a clenched jaw but can’t finish the question.

He doesn’t need to because I know what he was asking. I shake my head with a grimace. “No. It didn’t get that far. We were able to stop them actually getting ahold of us by fighting back when I don’t think they expected that. We didn’t exactly fight fair either so between that and them being caught off guard that we resisted at all, it was enough to make a run for it. For all my being wild, at least I wasn’t stupid. If we were going to be up to something, I always made sure help wouldn’t be far from us. I knew that there was a guard station not far away and as soon as they came on us I yelled for Tris to make a run for it. When we were able to get free she ran to that station right away.”

“So she just fucking left you there!” The calm and collected Eric is gone, and I see him trembling as he spits out the words in anger and disgust.

I adamantly shake my head in the negative even while getting the words out.

“No!” I deny loudly. “I was following her, right on her heels. But there was another man that neither of us had seen. I guess he was on watch or was waiting for us in case we got away. Either way, he tackled me from the side and Tris didn’t see me go down. Even if she had, we weren’t far from the guards and the only chance we had was to get one of them there as quickly as possible. I kept fighting back and threw gravel and dirt in his face then hit him with a few well-placed kicks to get free. I was up and already moving away as the guard raced up. He ordered me to go, to get behind him and head to the station itself. Tris followed him, and I found out later she did that after he told her to stay put, but she couldn’t when she saw I wasn’t behind her. I promise, I was going to comply with the order and was already heading towards Tris where I saw her waiting for me, motioning me frantically towards her.”

I stop and let out a tremulous breath. I feel like I’m under some kind of spell that’s prompting me to tell this story. To finally release the events that have haunted me every night of my life since then. It feels like a movie playing in my mind as I recall them but so much more vivid than just a memory.

“His backup was on the way. You know how stations work. One person always mans them and they have rotations of people that go out to walk the routes. It was the guy from the station that rushed to us after putting in the radio call for the others about what was happening. But until they got there it was one against five. It should have been fine, the others looked like they were complying when he told them to stay where they were and had his gun raised. I was almost to Tris when I saw that there was another guy in the shadows and that he had a knife. He was about to be ambushed and something in me knew that would be enough to take him down. There wasn’t any time to give warning other than to just act.”

I shrug my shoulders and try to collect myself. This is where things always go hazy for me when remembering that day. It’s all jumbled together with an overwhelming tangle of feelings that seem to make events hard to make out.

It’s during this time when I’m silently trying to piece it together before I can relay it in words, that I suddenly feel warmth engulfing the hand on my lap that I had been using to pick at the material of my pants. I look down to see a big hand covering mine and trace it up to see it belongs to Eric. Who is looking at me in concern radiating from not only his eyes where it seems is the only place he generally allows emotions to broadcast from, but also in the set of his mouth. He nods at me, reassuring and prompting me to go on.

I look into his eyes and the haze seems to clear in the slightest, allowing me to speak again all while never breaking eye contact with him.

“I still don’t know if I stabbed him, the factionless man with the knife, purposely or if it was an accident. No matter how much I’ve tried to remember, I just don’t. I just remember my feelings at the time and some of the events come back to me like they’re stuck in slow motion with gaps in between. I remember making the connection between the man with the knife and the fact that he was going to be on the Dauntless guard, and the guard wouldn’t know what hit him. I got so angry that it was like I could see it. I could taste it and it consumed me. The next thing I know is that the guy with the knife is on the ground under me and I’m perched on top of him with my hands wrapped around the hilt of the knife which is buried into his chest. There was blood everywhere, on my hands especially. It was sticky and felt like it was holding my hands on the knife. I don’t know if I was actually trying to free the knife or just my hands but what ended up happening is that I finally got my hands free along with the knife when I jerked them away. I could faintly hear yelling and screaming around me. I know there were people rushing towards me and I started to stand, still holding the knife. I felt pain suddenly and I looked to see that where I felt the pain, more blood seemed to be appearing from nowhere.”

“Are you telling me one of the fucking guards shot you? A kid from Abnegation!” Eric growls out angrily and tightens his grip on my hand.

I wince a little but answer him without moving my hand from his. “Yes, but I understand, Sir. All he knew was there was an attack going on and came onto the scene to find a young girl covered in blood and still holding the knife. Not to mention, I’m sure that yelling was an order for me to drop the knife, which I didn’t.”

“That’s no fucking excuse.” Eric’s voice thunders through the apartment and it takes Zach putting a hand on his shoulder to calm his friend down but he looked pretty upset himself.

“That’s why your dad changed his vote, wasn’t it. Because one of the Dauntless shot you.” Chase surmised with a soft voice that was devoid of judgment or anger. He almost seemed understanding.

I wonder if he understood everything. Like, does he understand how much guilt I carry around about that day? I know I have never spoken that feeling aloud to anyone, nor the feeling that I have always had that I need to make up for those events in some way. That day truly did change so much for and about me.

Because of that day, I knew that it wasn’t just about making it to Dauntless, but making it up to them as well.

I nod slowly and breath out calmy before I answer. “The other elders used that to point out how volatile situations could become with Dauntless in charge. Trying to say that the situation was actually made worse by their presence. I argued and argued with him until I was blue in the face really. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to my dad. I even went after Marcus Eaton and yelled at him.” I snort in disgust at the memory of that foul man and his obvious pleasure at the time. I had given him exactly what he wanted all along. Dauntless out of his domain. My lips thin and I take a deep breath to contain my rage so I can continue.

“It was all too late though. The vote had already taken place while I was in Erudite medical after an emergency session was called. I was still on the operating table when the vote was called for. By the time I was released from the hospital, it was well past the point of return. There was no taking it back.”

Eric interrupts me again but this time there is an expression of apprehensiveness on his face. “Operating room? Kat, where were you shot at?”

His grip around my hand tightens again and I almost feel like he is pulling slightly. Like he’s trying to pull me towards him at the same time as his eyes dart around looking me over. Like he’s trying to appraise my physical capabilities and if where I got shot will weaken me anywhere.

I reach up with my free hand and tug the neckline of my shirt to the side to reveal the oddly shaped scar that resides close enough to my heart and that the heart shape of it serves as an additional reminder of what could have happened that day.

I hear quick and sharp breaths from Eric and Chase when I reveal it while Zach let’s out a curse. “Fuck,” he says and shakes his head in disbelief.

I let the shirt go and it falls back into place and smile sadly in Zach’s direction. It falls quiet and they seem to need that time to collect themselves as much as I do.

I could tell they are all disturbed by what I had to say but other than that I can’t read what else they might be thinking or feeling. The one thing I can really tell, and that I feel grateful for, is that at least they aren’t showing hate for me being the cause for Dauntless being pulled from the factionless sector.

I don’t think I could have handled that when they are the first and only people I’ve opened to. I know I’ve just met these men. I know I don’t really know anything about them and they don’t know me, but there is something that makes me feel like I can at least trust them with this.

Like they will get it, and me. So, I put my trust in them that they won’t use this vulnerability against me and hope I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life.

  
  



	8. Big Wheels Keep On Turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat's story has Eric thinking and evaluating things. Will it be enough to really change the way he thinks and what kind of trouble would that bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 7 - Big Wheels Keep On Turning**

 

**_Eric_ **

 

There is silence around the table after Kat finishes telling us her story but inside my head is a cacophony of noise.

I’m not sure what to think or feel about what she just told me because I feel so much all at once that it’s hard to break it all down. My reaching for her hand happened without any thought and before I could take it back her hand seemed to fuse to mine. I just hadn’t been able to take sitting there beside her and watching her reliving that nightmare. And I could just tell that was exactly what was going on. It wasn’t just her telling the memory to us but in her head, she was reliving it.

Seeing that scar so close to her heart is leaving me trembling with the need to strip her bare and make sure myself that she’s fine. That some screw up of a patrolman didn’t take her from me. Or maybe it’s just a primal need in me that will only be sated by physically taking her and making her mine.

I settle for tightening the hold I have on her hand and internally breath another sigh of relief that she still hasn’t pulled her hand back yet. In fact, she just smiles at me and gives me a gentle squeeze back.

No, it isn’t something I would ever have done before and I’m not sure when it comes down to it how I really feel about it when all is said and done, but for now it felt...right. So I reached out. But isn’t that what she’s doing by sharing this with us right now?

Maybe she’s needing the gesture just as much as I do to ground me again, but for her, it was for reassurance, because she takes a deep breath before breaking the silence. 

“It serves a reminder to me of many things, but one of them is that I’m stronger than I look. That when it came down to it, a little girl from Abnegation survived something that by all accounts I shouldn’t have. I have to think there was a reason for that, something bigger at work. This is why I said I was probably making it sound worse than it was. I lived when it could have gone so differently. This scar reminds me that pain can be overcome and that I can handle more than I would have thought before.”

“After being released my parents were granted permission from the faction elders to allow me to take the harder pain medications if I needed, but I refused them. At first, the only reason for this was out of fear. I was afraid of being out of control of my body and taking anything that caused that was out of the question for me. When I was still in the hospital the nurses kept pushing meds through the IV for me no matter how much I objected. I guess they thought it was the Abnegation in me but honestly, it was just the fact that I couldn’t stand what they made me feel like. Unfocused and out of control. Unaware of what might be going on around me and unable to help if something were to happen. To me, that was and is far more painful than the actual pain itself.”

Amid the pride I felt in her as she described taking something traumatic and damaging and turning it into strength and what fuels her, I also had a growing concern at the things she was hinting at but not outright saying. It wasn’t lost on me that she said there were many reasons she won’t take pain medications.

As soon as she started to speak again I absently let my thumb move in circles on the top of her hand. By the end, and even though I was pretty sure what the answer is going to be, I finally had to speak up. I needed her to say the words and I have a very strong feeling she needs to say them out loud just as much.

I just hope I can hold my shit together when she does.

“What was the other reason you refused the pain medications, Kat.” I’m pretty sure there is a menacing edge to the words because I can’t hold in all the rage I’m feeling at even having to ask this question.

This shit never should have happened to her but what else is new when it comes to factionless and Abnegation? I was trying not to let my own prejudice against both of those parties interfere in me trying to find out more about Kat and her life, what drives her, but I can’t help it.

Not when that hits so fucking close to home for me and especially when I can see the weight of guilt she is carrying that she shouldn’t. Where were the people in her life to help her through all of this? Like those parents she speaks so fondly of.

Do they know what she’s doing to herself?

“Punishment.” The words I expected come and with them a completely unexpected feeling inside of me. “It was my punishment for not being more aware. For allowing it to happen and finally for changing the course of our cities path because of one foolish and careless action.”

That emotion I wasn’t expecting makes me choke a little on the words of objection I try to get out and I’m thankful that Zach and Chase trying to speak up at the same time mask mine, mask the pain that rips through me at the thought of this girl going through life constantly punishing herself like she is.

She shakes her head and holds up her free hand to stop us from objecting. There is a new look in her eyes as her chin raises just a little bit. The defeat, guilt, and pain is still there in her eyes but so is something else.

Defiance and fight.

“You can try and tell me it wasn’t my fault, and yes, logically I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. But there is still blame that I can and will take responsibility for. I knew better and still broke the rules, plain and simple. And even though I was barely ten years old, I knew enough by working with the factionless to know there was a real danger from them. I ignored that and because of that, it gave those that wanted that vote to go their way an opportunity to exploit. They manipulated the situation and used a man’s desire to protect his children, and children like me, from being caught in the crossfire again. So trust me, I know full well that there are others that have much more of the blame than I do. But that doesn’t help me when I can still clearly see, in my mind, my father that day I woke up in the hospital bed with him sitting beside me. He didn’t say a word of blame to me but I saw how disappointed he was. I saw how worried and heavy the decision weighed on him. I also saw that every time I winced in pain or the nurses had to change my bandage, he became firmer in his resolve.”

“Does he regret it, his decision? Did you ever talk to him about all of this?” There is no malice in my tone, just honest curiosity.

The conflict in me is raging and I know it isn’t going to quiet easily. There are questions that are begging to be answered but the only way to do that is to get as much information as I can, then take the time to think about this shit.

My instincts are telling me that this is all genuine. That her story, the emotions she’s showing us, it’s all true.

But it all seems….too coincidental.

How close in tone her story is when compared to the three of us sitting around the table. Paranoia and wariness for anyone from her old faction are ingrained deep within me. but I want it to be true.

As fucked up as that sounds, I do.

Maybe it is true, or the truth as she sees it. Can it be that what she believes is actually the skewed view of a young girl warped by her parents and faction?

It is possible, but once again my instincts are telling me that isn’t Kat. She doesn’t seem the type to blindly follow along with something without questioning the hell out of it. Even if that was questioning her parents.

“I think he found a way to live in peace with that decision.” She answers with a tilt of her head. “He would be the first to admit he is a flawed man that tries to make the best choices he can in life and for his faction. I think that at the time he felt with every fiber of his being that it was the right decision. Not just for us but for the faction and the factionless. I once had this long discussion with him when I was younger about what our faction does for the city. It was after a bad day at school and being taunted for the millionth time and I was just done with everything. I asked why was it okay for us to have to work so hard for people that didn’t want to even try and work for themselves?” She paused and gave a wry smile without really looking at any of us before she continued on.

“I was being a complete brat and he was so patient with me, so understanding. He said that there are cases of factionless that won’t try and help themselves but that could be found even with people still in factions. Laziness and entitlement is a universal trait and isn’t reserved for those less fortunate. Abnegation wasn’t formed for those people though. The founders formed the faction to serve in the roles that others couldn’t or wouldn’t. To serve the city with the knowledge that they would never be thanked and mostly taken for granted, but would still do it with just as much commitment as any other faction. He also pointed out that Abnegation isn’t the only faction that has roles in our city that are looked down upon by the other factions but without what Dauntless, Abnegation or Amity do, where would our city be?”

She sighs and shrugs then looks back at me. “So, he might have regrets now but if he does then I’m sure he does what he’s always tried to teach me to do. Own my mistakes and learn from them but don’t let it hold me back from trying to always reach for a better tomorrow. To start each day as a new opportunity to do better than I did the day before.”

For the first time since I took her hand in mine, she pulled hers away. She reached out for her cup of coffee and used both of her hands to hold it then got a faraway look in her eyes as if she was caught up in personal reflections.

Zach, seeing this offered to refresh our cups of coffee and did the job of redirecting the conversation away from all the heaviness. He coaxed her to take a bit more food and we all relaxed back into eating and talking, but not about anything serious.

It didn’t escape my notice or pleasure that even though she moved her hand from mine on her knee, mine remained in place there and she didn’t object one bit. Just touching her calmed my anger but it didn’t stop the wheels in my mind from spinning.

There’s so much that I was trying to process and decipher from what she told me but one thing was for sure. For too long those wheels in my mind have been stuck at one line of thinking.

That isn’t how I was brought up to be. _They_ taught me to question everything and get my own answers but at some point, I stopped and just started taking my orders as facts.

_ That stops now. _

 

* * *

 

 

“So, is there  _ anything _ you didn’t train in?” Zach asks while laughing.

The conversation became much more pleasant as we finished up eating at a leisurely pace. It drifted to her training this morning after Chase asked how it had gone. I threw out there how she took me down and from there it spiraled into them asking her for that story. She had them in fits of laughter afterward.

After some prodding by Chase, she started to give us a list of things she has or tried to teach herself over the years. It was fairly long.

Kat blushes red in embarrassment. “Of course there is!” She exclaims and throws her hands up into the air to emphasize the point. “That list is mostly things I learned about in books but haven’t actually gotten to practice. The rest was me adapting or coming up with it and while I did get to try out some things with my friends, that was more goofing off than anything since none of them had any more idea if it would or wouldn’t work than I did. The biggest things I couldn’t train in has been weapons.”

She pauses as if catching herself in a lie and smiles sheepishly while looking at my raised eyebrow before continuing on. “Okay, so I was able to find and work with a few weapons. Throwing knives were mainly what I worked with. Not only the ones that Lynn would bring with her for us to practice with but years ago I came by a few of them myself. Then there was when I was able to meet up with a few of my school mates that are from Amity. They were able to show me how to use an old school bow and arrow and then they showed me how to make one myself along with the arrows. That was more just for something to do. I don’t expect it to be a real skill that I’m going to need here.”

I shrug after sipping my coffee and swallowing, wondering why it was so fucking arousing listening to her talk about this shit. “I wouldn’t say the bow and arrow part is something you’re going to encounter, but learning to use it hits on the learning to aim and accuracy portion and that will definitely be a skill here.”

Chase agrees with me with a nod of his head and adding his two cents, but with more excitement in his tone than my dry delivery. “And that’s a skill that will constantly be practiced on even past your initiation. There’s always some kind of training going on here but it’s mostly self-driven. We expect our soldiers to keep on top of it themselves even when just working a compound job that doesn’t have that in its duty description. You’re already setting good habits for yourself.”

“My friends said the same thing. Although Lynn was always bitching about dependents not being able to attend some of the training exercises that happen a few times a year. When I told her about being able to sneak into Amity and learning a few things there, she got jealous and mentioned that she wished Dauntless would hold the survival camps they used to have for dependents.”

“Oh yeah,” Zach says with a smile. “I think I’ve had a few people put in complaints about that over the years but it was cut out years before I even became a member.”

“Why is that?”

“Why does anything around here get cut out or stopped?” I answer with a sneer of disgust on my lips. “Because we are told it isn’t necessary and we don’t have enough resources to be used on anything deemed unnecessary.”

“Or maybe they just didn’t want people running around Dauntless with bows and arrows after learning how to make them.” Chase supplies lamely, trying to turn the mood back around before it takes a nosedive. “I could just see someone coming up with the brilliant idea to create their own version of the hunger games."

Kat loses it in laughter, all of us chuckling with her, before calming down and batting her eyes at Chase, a smirk on her lips. “Are you insinuating that because I share her name, that I would be the genius behind that ploy?”

He shrugs back, grinning. “I’m saying that from what you and your friends have shown so far, I wouldn’t rule it out from the four of you.”

She pretended to pout at this but ended up failing and laughing. What was interesting to watch was that there was something going on behind her eyes in the background. Like I could almost see the wheels in her mind turning over something she was considering and it made me wonder what the hell that could be and if I needed to worry that she just might try and start the hunger games in Dauntless.

She puts her cup down with her head tilted. “But seriously, bows aren’t such a bad weapon to have handy if you think about it. With the right material and composition, maybe made out of a lightweight metal or something like that, it could be a serious weapon. The range could be amazing, and ease of use as well as transport could be tweaked and customized for each person. Depending on what kind of equipment is on site here, we might not even need to have it contracted to Erudite to be made. Which would be cost effective in the extreme. Then don’t even get me started on the possibilities when it comes to the arrows! An arrow tip with some kind of explosive or incendiary.” She stops and a small shudder runs down her back making her shake a little.

I shift uncomfortably and chuckle, deciding I’ve had enough torture for the morning. “Why don't’ we save that little brainstorming session for another time. It’s about time to head to the training room.”

I’m already standing to gather the dishes as I say this. Chase helps me, keeping with the normal routine after Zach makes us all breakfast, while he himself goes over to the living room area with Kat.

They start to talk about the books while looking over the shelves and we set to getting the dishes and kitchen cleaned up.

“So how did that end up happening?” Chase asks and indicates to where Kat is with his head.

I shrug as I scrape plates then hand them to him to rinse and put in the dishwasher. “She needed breakfast and if I hadn’t insisted she probably would have just kept training.”

I can see him nodding slowly and with a small smirk on his lips. Then he turns and faces me fully. “Eric,” He says my name in a quiet, serious tone. “Just be careful with her. I can already tell you there are going to be at least a few of the transfers that are going to be gunning for her and her sister because they will see them as easy targets to ensure their spots. Any excuse will be good enough for them but if they get wind that there might be some kind of special treatment going on they will use it to make her life hell in any ways that they can.”

I scowl at the plate I’m scrubbing, taking out my anger and frustration on it instead of my friend. He’s just speaking what we both know is true and something that has always bothered him even before cuts were a thing.

Truthfully, in the past, it didn’t bother me as much as it did him. I just kind of accepted that this is how our faction is and stuck to worrying about the bigger problems we have. Now though, I see how just how bad it could be and it pisses me off that this is what Kat’s going to face. It also pisses me off that even if I’m a leader, my hands are still tied when it comes to changing certain things.

I brush that aside for now and answer him. “I’m just making sure she reaches her full potential here, and that’s not against the rules. There is a precedent for it in the past.” He shoots me a dubious look but doesn’t voice an objection. “Besides,” I follow it up with the second justification I have in waiting, even if it gets stuck in my throat before I finally get it out. “I already have orders.”

I don’t even get to finish telling him what those orders are before his eyes turn icy and he reaches out to grip the counter edge tightly, his knuckles turning white. “What kind of orders, Eric?”

I sigh and lean against the opposite counter then shrug. “Just to watch both the sisters for now. But I’m sure they don’t want her, just her sister.”

That’s a lie. I have no clue which sister it is that had Jeanine so freaking excited she was actually emoting for once.

Chase snorts in disbelief and shakes his head at me. “Come on, Eric.” He admonishes me quietly. “You really think they are going to take one sister and not the other?” He stops and looks down, frowning deeply. “Maybe it would be better to back off completely.”

I know what he isn’t saying but he’s thinking just like I am. What I’ve been thinking since it all connected for me yesterday. That getting close to her, only to have to turn her over in the end, would be too dangerous and would only hurt us. He’s also not saying that it wouldn’t just be hurtful for us.

And he’s completely fucking right, he just doesn’t suspect what I do and have from the second she got here. Even if it turns out she isn’t what I suspect she is, Jeanine isn’t going to just let her walk free and clear. Not with how goddamn obsessed she is with anything and everything Prior and Eaton.

That was what had her salivating on that phone call with me and she will use any and every excuse possible to get her hands on her obsession.

Chase has already turned away, wiping down counters with a grim expression. I turn to finish the dishes and try to push down the rage but it’s a losing battle. I slam the dishwasher closed after putting the last dish in and spin around to lean against a wall further into the kitchen where I can’t be seen from the living room.

The questions and arguments are being waged in my mind again. Wondering what I’m going to do about this. The answer should be so fucking simple and before Kat crashed to the roof and my life, it _was_ fucking simple.

I knew my duty and my role and I followed that through, no questions asked. But she did fall to that roof and as soon as she did, I woke up.

The dead husk of a man that I was before would have stepped aside and allowed it to happen but not now.

But this is a big fucking decision and with no small amount of risk.

I need time to think and plan. I should take that time and stay away from her, but I know even before I hear her laughter coming from the living room that isn’t happening. I’m not going to be able to stay away. Just the sound of her in my apartment feels too right to put it to an end. But I know that for today at least, it does need to. We need to set out for the day.

The first day on the path to making sure Kat’s here for good.

It didn’t take all too long before I’m walking out of my apartment with Kat by my side. Chase and Zach already split off from us as soon as the door closed behind us. Now it’s just me and her and I can’t understand how something as simple as walking with her is already testing my willpower. At least I have enough to not put my hands on her like I did earlier on the way here. I got away with that because it was still early as hell and there weren’t many people around. But now there are way too many people and being together is going to raise questions as it is.

I’m scowling hard and lost in thought, distracted enough that I don’t notice how Kat drops back away from me at first. It doesn’t take long for it to register and I whip my head around with a scowl to find her, then relax to see her still close but walking a bit behind me. Seeing her there sets me at ease but I can’t relax when I see how off she looks right now. Something is up with her.

She looks, stiff and way too formal to be the same girl that was just laughing and joking with me inside my apartment. Her back is ramrod straight but her chin is lowered and the expression on her face can only be described as that of a kid in serious trouble and not being happy about it. She sees me studying her over my shoulder and looks around a little bit before the troubling expression falls from her face and she smiles and winks at me so quickly I would have missed it by blinking. Then she’s right back to the way she was.

It hits me that this is an act. Kat instinctively knew that we needed to keep this under wraps and took it on herself to make sure us being seen together would look like she is in trouble for something.

I should be happy about that or at least pleased that I don’t need to tell her our….association....needs to be kept a secret for now. I should be relieved that I don’t have to worry about her getting all up in her feelings and being hurt that I can’t act in public like I do in private. That would have been a nightmare that I wouldn’t know how to handle at all.

I should feel all of that, but instead, something in me balks at it.

_ I don’t like it. Not one fucking bit. _

I hate that it makes me feel like she’s ashamed to be seen with me even though I know that isn’t the case.

I hate that she is walking behind me, cowing to anyone in the slightest, even if I know that it’s an act.

I look around and spot one of the dark passageways that sees very little use and head there, stopping just inside to wait for her. There is enough light to just see by and I watch her squinting as she enters behind me then stops when she sees I’m standing there waiting.

“Is something wrong?” She asks softly while coming closer.

“I’m going to ask you something, but I don’t want you to get upset. Just answer me honestly. Alright?”

She nods but then answers me slowly. “Okay.”

“Are you ashamed to be seen with me?” I snip the words out and grit my teeth.

She inhales in shock and frowns at me then shakes her head, leaning in closer. “No. I thought….I thought you wouldn’t want to be seen with...well, with the stiff.”

I narrow my eyes and breath through my nostrils. “You’re not a stiff though.”

“You may not see me that way but everyone else will.”

“I don’t give a shit what anyone _else_ sees or thinks.” I retort just as firmly as she did to me, then take a calming breath as I see her looking down with a frown. I reach out a hand and use a finger to lift her chin, smiling wanly at her. “I get what you were trying to do, Kat. It’s probably the smart thing to do but that doesn’t make it the right thing to do.”

“What do you mean?” Her forehead crinkles a little along with her nose scrunching up.

_ Fuck. What do I mean? _

I know what I want, but how do I tell her that without sounding like an idiot?

“You shouldn’t be made to walk behind anyone, Kat. You’re Dauntless and don’t bow down just because someone has a title. Show how strong you are by keeping that back straight and chin up.”

“I don’t want to come off as being disrespectful or arrogant, Sir.”

“So don’t get all mouthy or start arguing,” I reply with a smirk and move my finger to tap the tip of her nose playfully. “Got it?”

She giggles softly and nods. “Yes, sir.”

“Good girl,” I reply, the words coming before I can stop them. I bite my lower lip a little and look behind her to the hallway and motion her to start walking again. “Let’s get going again but remember, your place is at my side.”

She looks up at me when I step closer to move to the hallway again, a curious expression on her face before she moves in sync with me. As we walk she keeps pace with me, our strides matching each other even with the height difference.

I watch her from the corner of my eye and see that she’s following my instructions perfectly but added her own touches. Her back is ramrod straight and her chin is lifted, but her arms are behind her back and clasped together. Her lips are pursed together tightly and in a recalcitrant expression, and her lashes are lowered so that it looks like she is looking down.

She looks for all the world like a student headed for the principal's office who isn’t a bit sorry they got caught out and I realize that it’s kind of fucking perfect. It meets her need to make sure she is being respectful enough but not like she’s a teacher's pet. Better yet, it meets my need to have her by my side.

Anyone passing would look at the scowl and the way my chest is puffing out and think that the new initiate just seriously fucked up and pissed me off. They won’t and can’t know that what I’m really feeling is desire, pride and the seed of longing that is growing way too quickly for the day when I can have her by my side openly.

 

* * *

  
  
Weapons are first up for the day. This is us easing the transfers into things around here.

I look forward to working with weapons in general and I’ve always found it slightly amusing to see the transfers bumble their way through the experience of holding guns for the first time. Today I genuinely look forward to it with anticipation rather than a dull amusement.

At breakfast, Kat had literally bounced in her seat when she found out that’s what we would be doing today. Her energy levels shot up and she was practically buzzing with excitement and impatience to get started. That was before we even finished breakfast and I looked forward to seeing what would happen when she got the damn thing in her hands.

I’m not disappointed when it happens.

Pleasure, respect and barely contained excitement glitters behind her expressive eyes after Four shoves the gun into her hands when he gets to her in line. She stands beside her sister on the roof where we have a set up of targets for the higher power weapons, like the rifles being used today.

The sun is shining brightly overhead and the wind whips around us, making it necessary at times for Four to raise his voice so he can be heard. I watch Kat and her sister as he drones on loudly about the importance of proper gun maintenance and our expectations regarding being able to use our weapons.

The differences between the two girls as they hold their first weapon are too obvious for anyone to miss.

Kat is easier to read than her sister but even I can see how uncomfortable she is with the rifle. If I had to guess, by the way Tris bites her lip and hefts the weight of it, she is trying to justify its use against the years of conditioning against it from her previous life.

Meanwhile, Kat has an open look of eagerness paired with measured caution. Knowing Kat the little that I do it’s like I know that right now the wheels in her mind are already spinning as she shoulders her weapon and moves to the targets on Four’s order.

The others scramble to do the same and I begin my own walk down the line as they each begin attempting to fire and hit the paper targets they have each been assigned. I keep near her area, so I see that she’s taking forever to do anything. To one side of Kat is her sister while the dickhead Peter took the spot on the other side. Those two are already firing while Kat is raising her weapon, sighting it, then lowering it again slowly.

I know she isn’t afraid of the gun but I can’t for the life of me figure out what she’s doing.

“Is there a problem over here, initiate?” I ask her dryly but with a hint of that same tone from earlier in the training room.  

Anyone listening in will probably hear menace behind that and the words but I know by the flash in her eyes that Kat’s recognizes the difference in my tone and expression as I speak to her.

She shakes her head and looks over her shoulder at me. “Sir, no sir.” She replies full of respect and I see a few heads turn towards us before snapping back at my glare for them. “I’m just trying to adjust the gun and the stance we were shown to one that will work better for my weight and height. Then I was trying to do a few muscle memory exercises to get my body used to that position.”

A small smirk crosses my lips and I nod approvingly with a grunt. She takes that as a signal to continue and raises her rifle again while I watch closely and with narrowed eyes.

It looks good until I notice that she has it cradled too high. I step forward, wrap my arms around her and the gun and then bring it down more into her shoulder, away from the collarbone.

“It’ll come back hard on the recoil and the collarbone would take the brunt of the force. Try to make sure to secure it into the crook of your shoulder with as little contact to the collarbone as possible.” My words come out gruffly after I feel jolts once her skin came into contact with mine. I try to make up for that with being formal in their wording, hoping the rush of desire I’m feeling doesn’t show through.

I let my arms drop back reluctantly. I would have liked to have kept my arms there while she took her first shot but I knew she wouldn’t have appreciated it no matter how it would have looked. Her first shot will be done on her own but I can at least stay close and soak in this experience with her.

I loom behind her, the edges of my open vest grazing against her back I am so close. I can feel eyes burning into me and a smirk crosses my lips, knowing that Four is the source as he glares at the two of us.

“Now fire,” I hiss in her ear as I lean in closer. I’m not afraid that I’ll throw her off, somehow I know that my presence will push her instead of unsettling her.

“Yes, sir,” She replies then sights her target, takes a slow deep breath and releases just as slowly while squeezing the trigger.

Her shot lands two inches to the left of the center target. A damn good first shot so it takes me by surprise when I hear a muttered curse and look at her profile to see her lips thinned in anger and her scowling down at the target.

It makes me want to laugh at how angry she is at herself for not getting the bullseye. I watch her as she makes adjustments and continues to berate herself under her breath, holding in my need to reassure her it was a damn good shot and that not even I got the bullseye right out of the gate. My silence and her own recriminations serve to drive her to do better and I can’t fault her for that.

It takes the smallest of changes that she makes after each shot but by the sixth shot, she reached the center of the target and just centimeters shy of the bullseye.

She might not be pleased as hell with that but I am and I momentarily forget myself as I let my hand drop to the small of her back to show my approval. She stiffens just slightly but it’s enough to make me realize what I did and pull my hand away quickly.

“Nice shot.” I drawl as I move away and down the line again.

I bark orders as I go but keep an eye on her station and hear when Peter can’t resist taking the opportunity to taunt her now that I’m not there.

“Looks like the stiff has decided to use that pathetic excuse of a body to get her way.” He drawls with a nasty smirk on his face.

Just the sound of his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me but the words set my anger and nerves on a fine edge.

Kat doesn’t respond or even act like she heard them. She glances at his target and lets her eyes linger for a long pointed minute before her eyes move slowly back to her own. A smirk tilts her lips as she raises her gun and begins to do an advanced tactic of rapid-fire without using the actual rapid fire setting on the gun. She fires as quickly as she possibly can, shot after shot with minimal pausing in between, just enough to make sure her aim and stance are being maintained.

Her shots continue to hit in the center of the target area and her smile starts to grow as she fires. And I don’t even try to stop the amused smirk from crossing mine. She didn’t respond verbally but she was responding in an even more effective manner.

Peter called her skill into question and her response was to use that skill to prove his words as lies. For a Candor, that is the worst rebuff she could have given.

Watching the exchange does lessen the smirk on my face when I recall Chase’s words. I know that as training goes on and the more Kat proves she isn’t nearly as weak as they all think she is, that the danger is just going to increase.

I know I’m going to need to keep a close eye on him and have a plan ready to make sure he keeps in line. For now, I keep my distance for the remainder of the morning and count down the minutes until lunch.

As the group breaks for lunch, I motion my head for her to stay behind.

Plans for Peter can wait. I have more pressing plans to see to.


	9. That's What You Get

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was a promising start to the friendship between Kat and Eric hits a major hurdle when some of her past relationship with Four is guessed by Eric. Will he let his hate for his rival taint what he has begun to feel for Kat and if he does, how will she handle it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 8 - That’s What You Get**

 

** _Kat_ **

 

“Kat, you’ve been dismissed for lunch. Maybe you should join the others today.” Four says after practically storming up to me where I’m breaking down my gun. He leans against the table where the other guns that were used today are waiting to be broken down as well. “And where were you this morning?” He rushes on, demanding of me angrily. “I didn’t see you at breakfast and you weren’t in your bunk when I went to wake the others. None of the others even knew you left.” 

Those are the first words Four has said to me at all today but I’ve felt his glares and looks of disapproval from the moment I walked into the training room this morning. My entry beside Eric had drawn a few eyes but no one, not even my sister, remarked on it to me. Eric’s look did the job of stopping that in its tracks and then we plunged right into training so there wasn’t time for Tris to corner me yet.

But trust Four to choose now and do it in the most aggravating way possible. I refuse to look at him and instead keep my focus trained on the gun in my hands, gripping it a little tighter than I need to as I work to disassemble it quickly. Eric motioned me to stick around on the roof when everyone started to take off for lunch and I used this as an excuse to be able to do that.

I can’t delay answering after I get the last bit of the gun prepared for storage the way they instructed us. So, with an internal sigh, I coach myself to be respectful.

“Sir, I plan on having lunch as soon as I’ve broken these guns down. Thank you for the suggestion of joining the transfers.” I pause and look at him, which is a mistake because it snaps my patience and tolerance for the judgmental look in his eyes right now. “But, I’m not sure that where I sit at our free time is your business…. _ Four _ . I also don’t believe there are any rules about being up as early as I like to get to know my new faction and to train in my own hours. I broke no rules and I couldn’t sleep anyways.” My eyes take on an angry glare when I hear him snort disdainfully at my response so far. “Maybe you should show this same level of concern for the other initiates in your care and check on the recruit that can’t seem to keep his sobbing to at least a low enough volume that it doesn't make it impossible for the rest of us to get much-needed rest.”

My last words are angry and walking a very fine and dangerous line here. I’m trying to remain calm and respectful and not get personal but it doesn’t help when Four himself is doing such a bad job of that. I’ve stopped breaking down the guns on the table and am facing him full on by now. Partly because I was that angry and partly because I realized I was working far too quickly and needed to draw it out to find out what Eric needed to speak to me about.

Four arches an eyebrow then takes a breath before releasing it and shaking his head. “First, watch your tone with me, initiate.” He warns me in a soft tone while he locks his eyes on mine letting them warn me as well that he’s being serious about that. Then he sighs with his brow wrinkling in the worry I know all of this is coming from. I just don’t believe he has the right to demand anything from me after he lost by his actions long ago. “It isn’t a good idea to go wandering around the compound on your own at any time, Kat. And what about Tris? I thought you would want to make sure she’s doing okay here but you can’t exactly do that if you keep taking off on her and leaving her behind. Do you plan to just abandon her?”

I think he knows as soon as he says this he really fucked up. _He_ , of all people, has no right to accuse me of _abandoning_ anyone much less my own sister. All attempts to hold my temper fly right out the window. I’m about to let him know just what I think about his attempt to manipulate and guilt me into doing what the thinks I should be doing. I’m about to remind him of just who he’s acting like right now.

But I don’t get the chance to because Eric comes to stand beside me and addresses Four.

“Four, don’t you have something you should be doing right now? The initiate has been instructed to stay behind and break these guns down on  _ my _ orders.” His arms are crossed over his chest and he’s looking at the nails on one hand casually as if bored with this entire ordeal. “If you’re so worried that your precious little initiate won’t make it back to the fold, I’ll make sure she gets to the dining hall without losing her way.”

Eric looks relaxed and bored but his tone is the same one that he had when talking to Four at lunch yesterday. Just like then, the animosity between the two men is thick in the air. It probably doesn’t help Eric’s irritation that Four never once looked at him but instead was trying to bore his message into me with his dark blue eyes. They were pleading until he saw the tiniest amused smile I couldn’t prevent once Eric intervened. Then his lips thinned and his eyes snapped over to the leader for a split second before coming back to rest on me.

“We will be talking more about this later, Kat.” He grinds out darkly before he looks back at Eric.

The two of them engage in a stare off for a few seconds before Four huffs and stomps away to the stairs that will lead back to the training room. As soon as I hear the door slamming shut I turn back to the table and pick up another gun to work on while muttering angrily under my breath. A big hand covers mine on the last gun and I turn to look at Eric.

He’s scowling deeply and looks like he’s trying to take calming breaths. 

“Do I need to worry about something going on between you and  _ Four _ ?” The words come out in a snarl and are completely different than anything I’ve heard coming from Eric so far.

My eyes widen slightly in surprise for both the words and tone. I don’t understand what he means and what he should worry about, and it shows on my face as my I frown. “I’m not sure what you mean, Sir,”

Eric interrupts me by stepping close, so close that his chest brushes against my side. “Kat,” He addresses me, rather abruptly before he stops and the scowl softened as he looked at me. “I would like it if, outside of training, you called me Eric, not sir.”

While the words are softer it still comes across as demand and not a request. But I think that’s just Eric. I don’t know if he knows any other inflections to use. In his eyes though, the way he’s looking at me, I can almost see that if I refused, he would accept that choice. He wouldn’t like it most likely but he would accept it. Although it isn’t exactly proper Four does allow us to call him by his name instead of sir. Besides Eric did say ‘ _outside of training_ ’ meaning he would still expect me to use the honorific when others are around. 

That makes me feel a little better.  Actually, it makes me feel _a lot_ better because I’m hung up on the ‘ _ outside of training _ ’ part as if he implies there will be more encounters outside of training.

I smile shyly at him and nod my acceptance to that. “Eric,”

He gives me a sideways smile but it fades quickly into a frown. “Is there, or was there, something going on between you and Four?”

I shake my head frowning and think on how to answer that. “There was never anything romantic going on. On my side, there was never anything but friendship. I guess it would be stupid to deny that I knew him before I transferred. I’m sure he doesn’t want that known and honestly, I’m okay with that. We were friends before he transferred but grew apart. After he transferred I saw him a few times when I was out and about in the sectors, but we haven’t been what I would call friends in a while.”

This doesn’t seem to reassure Eric at all, in fact, his blue eyes seem to blaze with intensity. “But on his side, there was more?” He demands from me angrily. That anger clearly was written all over his face too.

I shrug and swallow with a frown. “I don’t know if there really was on his side or not but I think at one time he thought there was or should be. I quickly relieved him of that notion though.”

If I thought he was angry before it is nothing to what I see after I answer him. I watch as rage, pure and blood-chilling rage, along with hate pass over his face in a wave. He looks down for a split second and when he looks back up, his eyes are filled with disgust when he looks right at me. Pain and hurt lance through me and I turn away from him completely.

I need something to keep me busy until he decides to speak again and dismiss me, so I quickly work on the last gun. By the time I’m done he still hasn’t spoken so I keep my eyes on the table and address him, just needing to get away from him and the feelings that are filling me.

“Was there anything else that you would like me to complete, sir?” I ask softly and still without looking at him.

I refuse to let the hurt I feel show. I wait for him to answer in agony and disgust at myself for feeling hurt at all. I don’t know what I did to piss him off like he is, but it doesn’t matter. That isn’t what has me feeling like I do now. It’s the disgust he looked at me with that has me retreating back into the shell I know so well.

I could hear him breathing fast, that slowed as he started to take deep slow breaths. “No, Kat. I was just going to head to lunch too. Were you wanting to join your sister?”

He moves closer to me and I flinch back slightly then go still and feel him do the same beside me.

I look back at him finally, reminding myself that he is still a leader and my instructor, and he would probably take my refusal to look at him as a sign of disrespect. When I see him again, he doesn’t look angry anymore. In fact, all hint of any kind of emotion is gone.

Our eyes meet and I think I see a flash of regret in them, but it’s so fast and gone before I can be sure. So I dismiss it.

I shake my head and look away again. “No, sir. I know Uri, Mar and Lynn are all waiting for me.”

I catch his curt nod out of the corner of my eye. “I’ll walk you to the dining hall then.”

Then he moves away without another word and I follow him, hanging back in only the slightest. 

This morning I had to fake the expression to cover for us spending time together but I don’t have to now. I don’t want to risk upsetting him further so I don’t put as much distance between us. Every part of me is screaming for more, but it feels like there are miles spanning the few inches we are from each other.

I don’t know why that look is sending pain and hurt through me like it is. I’ve lived with various versions of it all my life. I also knew coming here I needed to prepare for those same looks from others, especially from the senior members and leaders.

So why was that look on Eric’s face like a knife to my gut?

The better question was why I had allowed myself to connect, or at least I had thought I had, to him at all? This morning had happened and I felt something with Eric, Chase, and Zach. A connection that had me opening up and sharing parts of myself I haven’t shared before.

Yes, I had even prepared to receive them from this particular leader if not worse. I knew all about his reputation well before even stepping foot in Dauntless. I knew of his attitude and temperament as well as his complete loathing for Abnegation.

So what had all of this morning been for him and why? Maybe it was just a big game for him. Another way to try and break the weak stiff and prove she doesn't belong here. I realize on the quiet and tense walk to the dining hall that it was probably all in my mind, that connection I felt.

I’m not sure what exactly this morning was on Eric’s part but I can only go by what I see and feel now. And that is that it took one day for this man to wound me in a way that even Marcus Eaton hadn’t been able to touch me, I can’t risk that or worse happening again.

We didn’t talk the entire walk to the dining hall. When we got there, I moved quickly away from him and to my friends. They were at the same table as the day before. So were Chase and Zach. I was pretty sure that Eric would be joining them as well.

Unlike yesterday or this morning, he didn’t engage me in conversation and I didn’t try and engage him either. Lunch started out a little tense for me but it was almost impossible to stay that way with Uriah, Zeke, and Chase at the same table. Before the end of it, I was laughing along with the others and joining in conversations. When it ended though, and it was time to head to the training room, apprehension took over me instead of hurt. I didn’t know how what happened on the roof was going to affect training with Four or Eric.

_ Girl, what have you gotten yourself into _ ?

I fell in step with Tris and the others after my friends split off.

“The prodigal sister returns to the fold!” Will said with a cheeky smile at me and a wink.

I laughed even though I saw Christina glare in my direction before huffing and turning away when that laugh turned to a smirk. I almost said something to her but Tris linked her arm in mine and leaned into me slightly.

“What happened to you this morning? Are you okay?” She is asking quiet enough but I know that the others are listening closely.

I shrug and sigh tiredly. “Honestly, I tried to lay there and get sleep. I don’t know how you were able to, but it wasn’t working for me. It seemed pointless to just lay there and it was kind of frustrating.” I laugh and look over at her. “People sleeping and snoring around me and I couldn’t for the life of me join them? Leaving was the only way to keep sane.”

“I get it.” Tris nods with a smile. I know she got what I wasn’t saying, that I was also saving everyone else from me flipping out and losing my temper or something. “So what did you do?”

“I figured I would just get up and start my training a bit earlier than I planned. I’m not even sure what time it was, but I had planned to get in some self-training before the official start. I found the training room and went for a run then decided to explore a few things.”

I shrug and smile, trying to hide the smug feeling I get when I see that Christina was listening raptly. I knew what she was trying to do and see if she could catch me out in a lie. Too bad for her I had long ago learned I am a terrible liar and how to get around that. I see her lips thin, pressing together so tightly they start to turn white.

You would think a Candor could be told the truth when she's acting like a bitch. Apparently, that’s not the case and it seems this particular Candor holds grudges.

“I’m thinking of starting to run in the mornings too,” Tris says beside me, drawing me from the silent battle her friend and I are waging.

I look at her to see she is truly absorbed in that thought. I smile and nudge her. “I think that’s a great idea, Tris. But you can add more than just a run to it too. Honestly, we both need to do that. You see how everyone is looking at us.” I added this last part very quietly and leaned even closer to her.

I didn’t want to come out and shatter my sister's hopes for friends among the transfers, but it hadn’t stopped those people from looking at us both when the cuts were announced. She nods sadly at me as we make our way back into the training room and I know that at the very least, I may have motivated her to add training to her plan.

We go right into the physical portion of training as soon as Four stalks his way into the room. Ordering us to take up positions and walking us through different warm-up exercises. The goal was to split the remainder of the day between learning the different equipment and ways to work on our physical fitness, and learning the fighting techniques.

Through it all, I kept my head down and stuck to only doing what Four was showing us. Occasionally, I would do something a little more advanced but that was part of my plan. To have rare showings of something great while keeping everything else mediocre. That way, I could slowly start to increase what I can really do when with my training class.

Eric was nowhere in sight for the remainder of the day and for some reason I wasn’t as relieved about that as I should be. That alone tells me that whatever I’m starting to feel for him isn’t going to be so easy to put aside, but I need to.

It’s clear that there will be nothing on his part other than maybe some amused curiosity for the little girl from Abnegation. I don’t like how much that hurts, but there’s nothing I can do about it at this point other than to make sure to guard myself from getting hurt any further.

Four keeps his eyes on me and Tris as often as he can without drawing attention but he’s far more obvious than he thinks he is. That’s probably because I know him, but it irks me that his attention puts my sister at even more risk. I tense anytime he approaches my sister and goes to adjust or move her. He lingers and I send silent prayers no one else is noticing how often that happens or how she blushes when he does. I hadn’t accounted for that factor when we got here.

And, as if all of that weren’t enough for me to drive myself insane with worry over, I seem to have developed a shadow. One that I cannot even begin to understand.

I don’t know when it started but when I finally noticed it was to find that he’s always there lurking nearby. When I would catch him out and my eyes would meet his to let him know I see what he’s up to, he would do his normal sneer but it was completely off and just as completely unsettling. Because in his eyes there wasn’t the sneer that was on his face. No, there it was a mix that I couldn’t determine but one thing was clear. Curiosity. That disturbed me more than his hate or scorn might have.

_ Oh god. Please don’t let that mean I’ve caught the interest of Peter Hayes! _

 

* * *

 

 

**_ Eric _ **

 

“You going to tell me what the hell happened between you and Kat?” Chase demanded from me angrily as we walk to the training room that the Dauntless-born use. 

I honestly don’t know how to feel about the reprieve from being with the transfers. I’m scheduled to make an appearance there for the second half of the day since the morning was spent with the transfers but I have never felt less like making a visit that I usually look forward to. Seeing the transfers struggle through the first week of learning the fighting moves and trying to keep up with our physical requirements is always tedious.

There are a few transfers, not counting Kat, that might have some promise in not starting out horrible. But not enough to make up for how bad the others will be. It comes back to Kat for me. I want to be there but being there isn’t the best of ideas either.  

I kept my face impassive as we walked together, ignoring the question at first. Of course, I know exactly what my brother is referring to. At lunch, I avoided looking at Kat, Chase and Zach as much as I could. That in itself spoke volumes but I’m sure how she was during the meal didn’t help either.

I can’t believe how fucking bad I’ve fucked things up. She hasn’t even been here for a day yet. Once, I made the mistake of looking down the table at her and her crushed look caused me to feel the same way combined with self-loathing. 

Nothing on that roof was her fault.

I can’t look at her without feeling guilt for my reaction to what I figured out. I mean, I always knew that there was _something_ between them but I started to believe that it wasn’t them bring together. I do believe her that they weren’t. But it didn’t help the rage that overcame me when I figured out fucking Four was the person she first kissed.

Kat showed me something in those seconds when the hate and anger flooded me. That she could stand up to it, to me, and not even blink. Because it hadn’t been that, that had her flinching away from me; that had her pulling away from me in more than just a physical way. No, what caused that was my inability to hold in the disgust I felt for Four when I remembered her saying the kiss hadn’t been wanted.

_Those images in your mind of Four and her together didn't help at fucking all._

“I’m going to ask you one more time, Eric.” Said, slapping the back of his hand against my chest and making me stop right there in the corridor of the training room. “What. The. Fuck. Happened?” He enunciates each word slowly but with force.

My lips thin and I look around the to make sure we’re alone. “It was Four,” I blurt out in the frustration and anger that is carrying over from the roof, and from me reliving it just moments ago.

My friends face shows his confusion before he shakes his head in disbelief. “It was Four that got her so upset?”

I narrow my eyes at him for a second at him disbelieving that it might have been Four, but shake that away and give a growl of frustration. “No.” I scowl at him and correct myself. “I mean yes, he was part of what happened. On the roof, after training, he confronted her about something but I didn’t catch what. She was already upset when I went over the stop him. But that isn’t what I’m talking about.” I huff and roll my shoulders trying to get the balls of tension to release a little. “It was fucking Four, Chase. That story about the person who kissed her, her first fucking kiss….was _Four_.” I spit out, with actual spittle coming forth at how filled with anger the words are.

He just stands stunned for a second until I see a bit of anger on his face as well when he picks up on one of the key parts for my anger. Then he sighs and nods. “Honestly, after he came up to the table at lunch yesterday, I knew something was up with the two of them. I just thought they knew each other and that she didn’t like him much.”

The rage drains from me, making shoulders fall as I reach up and rub the back of my neck. “I don’t think she does like him very much either.” I admit and the guilt for my reaction deepens even more.

I guess he can see this based on how I’m acting now and he groans, pushing the heels of his palms into his eyes. Probably trying to figure out how I self-destructed this time and what damage control will be needed.

“How bad was it?” He finally asks, dropping his hands and look at me wearily.

“It wasn’t pretty, Chase. I blew up at her with it on full blast. She didn’t even fucking blink at the anger. It wasn’t until….” I stop because even saying it twists the knife even further in my gut. “I might have reacted like I was disgusted with her. Maybe even that I…..hate her.”

I was looking away from Chase so I didn’t see his reaction until I looked back up, and then instinctively took a slight step back at what I see. I’ve seen my brother angry before and always felt amused at the fear others clearly felt when looking into his ice blue eyes, but it’s never been directed at me until now.

“Then I suggest you better find a way of making it right.” He grinds out slowly as if even making that suggestion is taking a force of will from him. His nostrils flare widely as he breathes enough to continue. “Or you fucking _walk away now_.” The glare doesn’t lessen but I can see he is calming down slightly as he shakes his head. “He isn’t going to just let things slide with you and her, and he’s sure to keep close eyes on her. So this little incident, will only be the start. Things are only going to get worse and anytime he pulls one of his stunts or you lose your shit around him, she’s going to be the one caught in the middle of it.” His mouth twists as he looks me up and down slowly. “If she gets hurt, Eric…..” He trails off leaving the rest unsaid.

He doesn’t even wait for me to respond before he turns and walks to the doors of the training room, slamming in. They push open with enough force to swing violently and slam into the wall before bouncing back closed. In that few seconds, I got a look at the wide eyes of some confused and then freaked out Initiates to see Chase looking like fury incarnate.

It is going to be a sucky day for the Dauntless-born.

I stand there for a few more seconds and listen as he immediately starts to bark out orders and try to give him room to cool it before I make my way in. When I do, I just move to the side and observe, letting him and Lauren deal with their group.

This gives me time to think over things and where they need to go.

First, he isn’t wrong about his estimation of what will happen with Four and me. We have always disagreed on his training style and mine especially with the female initiaties. He’s protective and can be on the soft side with them. But it isn’t just that kind of thing we can almost come to blows on regularly.

We buttheads on the smallest of shit.

Kat is nowhere near the smallest of shit. Her being from Abnegation was already going to bad enough and Chase and I talked about that while watching the sisters in the Pit last night. We knew it was going to cause friction because Four’s overprotective instincts were going to ramp up to high. Now that I know there was a previous connection, romantic or not, I can bet points that it won’t take much from me to set him off.

It won’t take much from him to set me off either because even now when trying to dispel the thoughts of the two of them, this feeling rages in me. I can identify now that it’s mostly jealousy.

So do I want to stir up all of that shit even more than it would already?

If word gets back to the other leaders, or heaven fucking forbid Jeanine got wind of anything, then I’m going to have hell to pay.

_On the other hand…._

I don’t even like where the other hand is leading but it _is_ a viable option. An opportunity to get my way and please the waiting wolves at the same time. If I use the order for me to keep an eye on things as the excuse, lay it out early on, then that would buy me the time I need.

I won’t lie, it makes me sick to my stomach even thinking of why it would work. I could already tell Jeanine would be pleased as shit and tell me to do whatever I needed as long as I made sure I keep in mind what she wants in the end. To have a little fun but remember what belongs to her.

_ If you don’t play along, they are just going to have someone else that would be more than willing to do their dirty work for them. _

Jeanine and Damon would, no hesitations or second chances given. And if she does order someone else to do it, I won’t have a clue who it could be and nothing I could do about it.

“You made your decision yet?” Chase asks quietly from beside me. I was so lost in my own head I didn’t even realize he approached me.

I blink and look at him.

My decision? I don’t think that there ever really was a decision. Just a lot of excuses to try and turn me from a course I don’t want to veer from.

“That was already made before this shit, Chase. Nothing changed for me. I just don’t know how I can make it up to her or even fucking explain what happened in the first place.” I say while shaking my head slightly and lifting a shoulder in a shrug.

“Be honest with her. You don’t have to go all into it, but just tell her the truth. You aren’t going to be able to hide your hatred of Four and he isn’t going to bother hiding his for you either. I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t try getting in her ear right now about what a monster you are. So just be honest and prepare her.” He replies while looking at the initiates he set to sparring.

I nod in agreement but we don’t discuss it anymore. We both said what we needed to. The next move is mine and we know that. It’ll have to wait for after training though or even in the morning when I know she’ll be alone.

That should give me time to figure out how to tell her about my history with Four. To let her know that history isn’t always great. To admit that I do let him get the better of me at times. To also try to explain that it isn’t always me that starts shit.

About the time I think I might have it down in my mind, along with a plan of when to tell her, is when it falls apart.

A few hours after lunch I get a summons to meet with Max in his office. Thirty minutes after that I’m outbound for another summons to Erudite. Five hours after leaving Dauntless, I sit on the other side of Jeanine’s desk and know it won’t be tonight or the next morning before I see Kat again.

I won’t see her for at least two weeks. Two weeks of nothing but time to process what Jeanine made clear to me, face to face and my worst fears are confirmed.

She does want both of the Prior sisters and she has enough cause to be able to make the order straight to Max on what she wants to happen. It wasn’t Kat that had the inconclusive aptitude test but she did have some irregularities during hers. Enough that it gave Jeanine what she wanted.

My orders are clear. They want both the sisters under close observation. When or if they make it through initiation then they will be put into positions that eyes will always be on them in one way or another. When the time comes, Dauntless is to hand them over.

If they don’t make it through the cuts, then I personally have my orders that aren’t considered from Dauntless. Even if Max knows full well about them every single time.

So that was that as far as they are concerned.....but not for me.

  
  



	10. With Or Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over a week has gone by with no contact between Kat and Eric but training is in full swing. Despite her bruised heart and confused feelings, Kat tries to keep her head in the game. Fights are starting. Who will the sisters be paired against and how will their first real taste of Dauntless go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 9 - With Or Without You**

 

**_Kat_ **

 

I plop down into my seat at lunchtime in a huff. Uri, Mar, and Lynn all look at me with concern and surprise the instant I slam my tray onto the table as well. The silence only lasts a few seconds before one of them speaks up.

“What’s up?” Lynn asks me with a frown.

I don’t answer at first as I arrange and rearrange the things on my tray, giving myself time to try and answer her.

There’s just so _much_ wrong that I can’t even begin to cover it all. It’s everything going on in my mind and in my life at the moment, and not much of it makes a bit of damn sense. My mind and feelings are in such a mess right now that it feels like my patience and anger is being stretched thin.

I still haven’t seen Eric since the roof incident and the lunch following right after it. That was over a week ago.

From my morning training sessions to the ones with the transfers, there hasn’t even been a hint of him. Lynn mentioned offhandedly once that he hasn’t even been to theirs after that first day either. No matter that I know this, it doesn’t stop me from looking at the doors from time to time and hoping to see him walking through them. Other times, I find myself angry he hasn’t shown up and cursing him as a coward in my mind. Then that makes me even angrier at myself because I’m expecting a leader of a faction to attend training on my want to see him? That's ridiculous.

Not to mention the fleeting thought that he would need to avoid me at all.

If Eric is avoiding me, it doesn’t seem to be something his friends are in on. They haven’t changed how they've acted towards me. In fact, I find myself spending a good amount of time with them since that breakfast. There hasn’t been one meal since then that he’s showed up at, even though Chase and Zach are at almost all of them in the dining hall.

In the mornings, before I do my self-training I have coffee in the dining hall. Chase and Zach are there and join me. Sometimes afterward, Chase walks me to the training room where I get started. Tris will join me, usually about halfway through my time, and then we both go get breakfast before the rest of the day started officially. When we aren’t training and taking time to relax we usually gather in the Pit. One or both of the two older Dauntless are usually near me then too.

All this tells me that what is really going on is that Eric is just busy doing his leader duties, too busy to be hanging around some initiate he may or may not even care for. Logically I get all of this but it doesn’t stop it from hurting or me from being angry for it hurting.

_So all that’s just a fucking mess._

Then there is training itself. Or rather my biggest irritation in dealing with the others of my group.

Al and Christina are a little better, just not by much. Al still isn’t adjusting well to Dauntless and is always whining about anything and everything. Christina is taking to some aspects of Dauntless just fine while others not so well. And worst of all is she is so hot and cold with my sister and their friendship. That is the harder part for me to get over and warm up to the girl and since I'm terrible about not letting what I'm feeling broadcast to anyone and everyone, she knows this too.

The worst of the bunch are the obvious ones. Molly, Drew, and Peter. Tris and I are always targets but in general, they are just obnoxious to everyone. My issues with Peter are slightly different but still irritating and disturbing.

He’s still a big time lurker. Always nearby in some way. More and more I don’t see him with his friends as much, but he doesn’t seem to be trying to make friends elsewhere either. While he does still taunt me from time to time, he seems to mainly concentrate on my sister. On runs, he stays uncomfortably close. Even when I try to hang back with Tris, he isn’t that far away.

Last night in the Pit he didn’t even try and hang around his friends. Everywhere I went in the Pit, he was there. And when I was hanging out in the tattoo parlor, he spent a good hour in there while I was talking with Tori and Bud.

Bud must have sensed that this was freaking me out because he slid over to talk to Peter while the Candor was _‘checking out flash for new ink’_ , as I heard him tell Bud when he asked if he could help figure something out. I didn’t hear the answer but I do know that sometime later Bud and Peter disappeared to the back. I don’t know for sure what Bud did to the boy that made his screech loud enough for me to hear him over the music that plays in there, and I don’t care to know. I just found it amusing that whatever he did left Peter walking like he had a bowling ball between his legs ever since then.

It gave me a reprieve for a few hours, but Peter has been back at it since and it has me on edge wondering what he’s up to. Not to mention that Tris told me over dinner one night that it had been Peter who pointed out I was missing that first morning. She says he did it by taunting him for losing one little stiff.

Overall, my patience with some of the people in my training class is fading fast.

So when we found out we would be starting fights today, I got excited! It would be a chance, finally, to be able to release some of these frustrations on the targets that caused them in the first place.

I was hyped up until I got a look at the board in the training room that appeared. The one where all the people in our class are written down and matched up.

I was hoping for something good and what I got was Myra. The former Erudite who followed her boyfriend to Dauntless. She’s nice enough but she’s terrible at fighting and even she admits it freely. Still, I could have gotten over that. I didn’t care for it, but I could move on from it.

It’s just the first fight, right?

What I'm having a hard time letting go and that has me fuming, is that beside Tris’ name was...nothing.

Empty.

Blank.

So Four picked my sister as the person to sit out and I just know that he let his personal feelings make those matches. I know he thinks he’s helping us but he isn’t.

I saw the look on the others faces when they saw who we were both matched up with. Even Christina had given Tris a disgusted and jealous look when my sister wasn’t looking. To the others, it looks like Four is going easy on the weak stiffs and that isn’t what we need.

So in answer to Lynn and my friends' question, I couldn’t say even half of what was pissing me off. But I could at least grumble about the fight match ups.

I stabbed my knife into the lump of meat that's apparently meatloaf with a scowl on my face. “Fucking fights….that’s what's up.”

Uri shrugs and looks confused. “I would have thought you were looking forward to them, Kat.”

“I was! Are you kidding _me_? Fucking finally!” I almost shriek, causing my friends to snicker and me to blush.

“Then what’s the problem, Kat?” Zach asks me, rubbing a hand over his mouth to stop from laughing as I struggle to get my milk carton open without mangling it in my anger.

“It’s who we got paired with that’s the problem. First, mines a joke. I would have taken the _caterwauling candor_ over Myra. She’s said herself she sucks at fighting and while they haven’t said it I’m pretty sure she only came because of Edward.”

I pause long enough in my rant to shove a mouthful of meat in and grimace as soon as I do. It isn’t horrible but the texture and the greasy taste is definitely not doing my mouth any favors.

_This is now officially on my 'hell no' list of things I’ll eat._

Chase smirks at me and holds out a bowl of ketchup. He chuckles when I snatch it up with a quick smile. I practically slather the lump of meat with the entire contents of the bowl, causing my friends to laugh. I can feel their eyes on me as I take another bite, chew a bit, and then shrug as I swallow.

“Meh, still on my hell no list,” I remark with a chuckle.

“Not all of your fights can be against some on your level, Kat,” Chase says, getting us back to the topic of my rage. His tone isn’t in what I would classify as the ' _instructor mode'_ I’ve heard from him before, but he is close to it.

“I get that. Really, I do. I know that some of our matches are going to be with people that are at different levels and that the goal, if possible, is to advance them as the weeks go by. So honestly, I could get over that if it weren’t for the pairing Four picked for Tris. Tris didn’t even get paired in a match. She’s sitting this one out.”

I take a bite and chew angrily while I let the others process that, hoping they see where I’m coming from. I knew Lynn would and when I see her angry scowl, that much is confirmed. Uri and Mar look concerned but they don’t seem to really get why this is making me angry.

Chase and Zach are harder to read. They exchange some heavy looks between themselves but they don’t say anything by the time I’m ready to continue on.

“You guys _know_ how they’re all looking at the two of us. They either think we’re sure to fail and dismiss us, or they're gunning for it to make it happen. With how he paired us up, it makes it look like Four's cutting us slack. Like even our own instructor doesn’t have much hope for us and that isn’t good news. You should have seen the other's faces when they saw the pairings. All of the others, even Will, had jealous or angry looks at seeing the board.”

I didn’t have to spell this out for Lynn but she nods and scowls along anyways. She gets that this is insulting but she also sees it insulting to the entire training process. Lynn is hard and goes hard when she trains. She has often said that the transfers are treated with kid gloves compared to Dauntless-born.

While I don’t disagree, I also know that they have more time and resources to train than most of the transfers would have before getting here. People like me and Edward are exceptions to that generality.

Zach and Chase having finally moved past silent communication and are talking back and forth quietly. I try to listen in but it's impossible.

“I know that you’re pissed off about all this, Kat. But maybe you should look at this as extra time to get your sister ready. We already know you're ready, but sitting out for one day might actually be a good thing here for her. She can have another day to prepare and then when the next fight comes up she can show them all wrong.” Mar supplies with a soft confident smile.

Uri’s face lights up in a smile that we all know means he thinks he’s just had the most brilliant idea ever. He throws his arm around Mar’s shoulders, pulling her into him and kissing her cheek loudly. “She has a point, Kat. That will give us time to put operation _'Rescue Trissy'_ into play. We’ll run some kind of interference to get the Candor’s away from her tonight and you can take her to the training room to get in some more time.”

A slow smile spread across my face as I nodded. My mood picked up. “I like that plan, Uri. Tonight we steal my sister away and hopefully bring her into our fold.”

“Lord help her. She should run now.” Lynn muttered lowly but I could see her lips tilted in a slight smile.

“I can stop in and see what advice I can offer if you want,” Chase offers to the group but when I look over at him his eyes are on me with soft concern.

I blush and frown in concentration while I can see Lynn giving me eye signals to say yes.

I want to, but at the same time, something is holding me back. Probably the fact that I had a flash of a thought that if Chase did then maybe Eric might show up as well. For that reason alone, I shouldn’t accept his help.

But Tris could use it and there is no doubt that Chase would definitely be a great help.

“If you have the time that would be great. I just don’t want it to keep you from any plans…”

He waves a hand and smiles at me before I can even finish. “Wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to, Kat. I’ll meet you guys in the Dauntless-born training room after dinner.”

If Lynn were capable of squealing, she would be right now. Instead, she pumps her fist in the air while we laugh at her and Mar comments that we really might need to tell Tris to run while she has a chance.

After that, the remainder of lunch passed by quickly. We don’t have lots of time for our lunches so that leaves us wolfing them down. It doesn’t stop Uri from play fighting with Zeke when he and Four show up shortly after Chase agreed to help us out. As soon as Four joined the table I lost most of my appetite but held out as long as I could.

After I choked down the food I could, I made excuses and bolted. The way I’m feeling in general right now added with the frustration at him for his recent choices has me on the verge of unloading, but I can’t do that with everyone around.

As I was leaving I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes that caused a little guilt to rise up. Then I saw Tris standing to leave and how he looked at her and the guilt went away quickly.

 

* * *

  
My fight with Myra went about as expected, but I hadn’t been capable of not trying to do something that might up the odds in her favor.

_As soon as I got into the training room I made a beeline for where I saw her and Edward off on their own. She looked at me warily and I don’t blame her. I have been short-tempered lately, and I was definitely less than quiet about my not liking the matchup._

_Edward looked placid, but his body posture and how he shifted slightly towards his girlfriend tells me otherwise._

_“Hey guys,” I start out with a smile and come to a stop at a respectful distance to them. Letting them know I see all of that and am respecting their boundaries. “I was wondering if I could have a word with the two of you.”_

_She looks to Edward but he tilts his head and narrows his eyes as he studies me. Finally, he just shrugs._

_“First, I wanted to say I’m sorry about my reaction earlier. I have control issues with my temper and I was already on the edge before I saw the match. My reaction has more to do with our instructor than with you, Myra.”_

_She shrugs and looks down, scuffing a toe on the concrete. “It’s fine. I know I’m no good at this stuff.”_

_Edward slides a hand around her waist and pulls her against his side but he doesn’t object or tell her differently. I try not to feel a flash of irritation at this. It feels too much like she’s just giving up._

_“Look, you might not be good at this stuff now, but there are always ways to get better. It just takes time.” I start to speak in a reassuring manner but then it turns more determined. “But you can’t give up, Myra. I’m not sure about this, because my friend Lynn only thinks that this is part of how they score us, but the instructors look at who gives everything they have and those that just give up. You might not have the skill, but show them you have the heart and it just might make a difference.”_

_She doesn’t look like she really believes me but she gives a nod and looks up at Edward. His response is to give me a smile and nod then after giving me a parting thank you, he pulled Myra aside and they started to talk earnestly._

_I just hoped that it was Edward giving her a pep talk and some instructions._

Whatever he said to her did seem to work.

She didn’t look as defeated as she had when I was talking to her. But it only took a few well-placed hits from me and she was down. I could have drawn it out but I didn’t want to hurt her more than I had to. I also wanted her to finish as strong as she could and what Four saw of her was her fighting back until the end.

I hoped Lynn was right and they took that into account.

I stalk off the mat while Four calls for her to be helped up and try to hold back the look of disgust I want to throw in his direction. By his expression, I could tell I wasn’t successful at this.

He looks angry and disappointed in me.

_Well, you can just suck my….._

I don’t let myself finish that thought as I move towards where my sister is standing. Four is always so quick to judge others based on how he thinks they should act or react in situations. That was one of the biggest sources of argument for the two of us over the course of our friendship and the years since haven’t changed that. I don’t know that it ever will.

I slide onto the bench beside Tris to watch the others. Once I’ve calmed down a little bit and the adrenaline buzz from my fight has passed, I implement the first phase of getting Tris away from the others for tonight.

“Hey Tris,” I say quietly to get her attention. Christina and Al are standing a few feet away from us but I still want this to be private. “I have a way to get us more training and help after dinner tonight. But…” I stop and look at her then let my eyes go over to her friends before looking back at her.

Her eyes follow mine and she looks down, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as her face scrunches up in thought. “You don’t want me to bring Christina.” She states without expecting me to answer.

I look back at her friends while she internally debates. Al and Will just had their match and Christina is trying to console Al even though Will is the one that ended up getting knocked out. But Al hadn’t handled himself well before and during the fight.

First, was the appearance of one of the leaders. A guy about the same age as Eric named James. He didn’t give off the same vibes as Eric does, where with just a look you know not to mess with him. James looked like he was trying for that but he just came off as creepy, not badass.

At the start of Will and Al’s fight, there was some confusion when Al questioned the rules. Four said that we could concede but James said there was no more conceding. We have to fight until one of us can’t fight anymore. The two opposing directions hadn't helped clear things up but I guess we had to go by what the leader was telling us and not our instructor. Al hadn't taken this news well.

I look back at my sister and see she might be at a decision, but I decide to help it along. I know how stubborn she can be at times.

“Tris, I don’t know why Four matched us as he did, but he didn’t do either of us any favors by it; except for one. We have one more day to get in some training and come at this again tomorrow. I got to show a little today but I don’t call my match a victory. Tomorrow you are going to have to show you aren’t weak or someone to be written off.”

I see this making the decision for her, she sighs and nods. “I’ll go with you after dinner. I think Christina and Will might like each other anyway and I’m sure they would like some time to themselves.”

I wrinkle my nose at this while thinking that Will could do _so_ much better than Christina but I kept that thought to myself.

Tris smirked at me and rolled her eyes. I let out a little laugh at her being able to read my expression.

“I really need to work on not letting everything show on my face,” I mumbled, causing her to laugh even more.

The sound drew attention, unwanted on all accounts for me. Christina and Al joined us and I was forced to sit there and listen to them bicker. I told myself I could use this as practice in schooling my features. I'm sure I failed, badly.

Peter also decided that the wall near us needed holding up and I felt his attention on us by the prickles that spread across my back where I can only speculate his eyes were during those times.

_God, this day could not end soon enough._

  
  



	11. Sister, I See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost two weeks into training finds the Prior girls trying to establish themselves among the ranks but odds seem to be stacked against them. Determined to prove everyone wrong and that they do belong in Dauntless, the girls accept help to improve while Tris accepts the invitation to spend time with and join her sister and friends. The two also start to regain what was once lost. Piercings, Tattoos, Blood, and Sweat....it's all in a days work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

**Chapter 10 - Sister I See You**

**_Kat_ **

 

Tris is flushing red and slightly sputtering in disbelief as we walk from the dining hall towards the training room after dinner.

The cause for this is me having just told her my theory about what could be causing Peter looking like he’s constantly sucking lemons after last night. I hadn’t even been able to actually come out and say it but even just implying was leaving her speechless.

“Guys do that?” She asks in a scandalized whisper. “I mean, get piercings….you know...there?”

I bite my lower lip to keep from laughing but I also have to admit that I’m turning pretty red myself. “Apparently, it’s not just guys that get things like that and in places like those. Girls get piercings, in...you know, their princess parts.”

My sister seems to be as mortified by that imagery as I was when I first heard about it myself. She also seems to be torn in wanting to laugh until the laughter wins out. That was a tidbit provided to me by Lynn, who had looked on smugly when I couldn’t contain bursting into flaming red colors after she did.

“Princess parts?” She gasps out loudly while laughing, bending slightly with her arm over her stomach and trying to walk at the same time.

We just got to the Pit and she picks this time to get all loud on me. Her not so quiet exclamation has a few heads turning our way and my blush deepening. I glance at her and smirk as I figure I can mess with her a bit for that.

“Well, what would you like me to call it?” I pause wickedly. “Nether regions? Cave of wonders? The Abyss?” I inhale deeply when a perfect one comes to me. “Oh! I know!” She looks at me and groans as my smile gets bigger. “How about…” She doesn’t let me finish before she claps a hand over my mouth and shakes her head, red as a beet and eyes wide.

“Princess parts works just fine. No need to go any further down that train of thought you just boarded.” She says but it’s more of her pleading with me to not push this further.

I laugh into her hand and nod, my eyes dancing with amusement and happiness. Although it is strange to be able to act with my sister like this again, joking and showing affection freely, I realize I missed it so much.

I missed my sister.

It wasn’t until years later and gaining other friends that I also realized that I missed my first best friend. Because that was what we were to each once upon a time; before events and secrets changed that. I know now that Tris had always been my first friend, sister or not.

She pulls her hand away, smiling, and moves it to tug my hand into hers. “Come on. Let’s get to the training room.” She is already pulling me along with her as she speaks.

We don’t walk sedately like we might have before, not when we are feeling so free at this moment. We race down through the Pit and down the hallways until we reach the training room and burst through the doors, laughing.

Everyone is already here. Chase is leaning against a wall casually with his ankles crossed over each other while he has his phone in his hands.

Lynn is typically over at the knife throwing station and had been in the middle of letting one go.

Mar is sprawled out on the ground with some kind of magazine in front of her that probably has to do with fashion or makeup or sex….or all of that combined.

Uri is sitting beside her looking tortured but perked up when we came in. He jumps to his feet and is already heading to us quickly.

“What’s so funny? What did I miss?” He asks hurriedly and with a slight pout. Uri does not do well with being left out of jokes or anything he thinks might be fun.

“Nothing!” Tris and I yell at the same time, look at each other, then bust out laughing again while turning red.

“Awww. Come on! That’s not the look of nothing.” He pouts.

“Nothing we want to or can relay, Uri. Drop it.” I command him as I try to get my blushing under control.

“Two formers stiffs red as hell? Has to be something to do with s.e.x.” Lynn says with a smirk as she walks over to us, spinning the knife in her hands idly.

“You would be wrong.” I correct her with a sniff. “It had nothing to do with the act of sex,” I reply and see out of the corner of my eye Chase is watching this exchange with a growing smile. I turn towards him and shoot him a pleading look to rescue me before Lynn points out my wording. “So what are we starting with first?”

He pushes off the wall with a chuckle and puts his phone away. “You can start with laps first.” His smile turns a little wicked as soon as we started to groan. “Hey, I don’t have to be here. Do what I say or I leave and lock this place up for the night.”

The reminder that Chase doesn’t have to be here right now when he could be out partying and hanging out with his friends, straightens me right up.

I grab Tris’ hand pull her along with me to the lap area.

I know tonight is going to be hell, but it’ll be worth it come the morning. At least, that’s what I try and tell myself.

 

* * *

 

  
  
It’s a very sweaty and exhausted group that lay sprawled out on the training room floor a few hours later. Tris and I are beside each other. I turn my head to check on her. She’s still trying to catch her breath and looks on the edge of passing out, but she's also wearing a smile.

Tonight really was a great training session and Tris did amazing. Having Chase as the person working with us seemed to help but Lynn was just as helpful in her own way. I guess from knowing me so well and what can motivate me like nothing else, Lynn started to employ those same tactics with my sister to see if they would work.

They did.

Tris and I both share the major flaws of too much pride and being as stubborn as hell. Lynn could and would not show Tris any slack. So Chase pairing my sister with my friend, she didn’t pull her punches when going at Tris.

At first, I almost lost it when watching my sister taking hits that I knew had to be hurting her. The first time one of them drew blood I barely restrained myself from barging in and tossed my sister aside to take my friend on. I honestly didn’t realize how obvious all that had been until Chase clapped a firm hand on my shoulder and gave me a look telling me to back down.

He was telling me without words that Tris needed to do this on her own, and I knew he was right, but it was so damn hard to watch. When I started to think clearly again, I focused on the fight and tried to look at the two people on the mat in an objective way.

What I saw surprised and pleased me.

Tris has always been made of sterner stuff and people have always underestimated her because of being a girl from Abnegation. But that was always more in the strength of her character. Now, I can see that she is or has grown tougher than even I realized. She is also showing some surprising fluidity of motion.

All this makes me think that maybe Four did decide to help her out as much as he could before she transferred. I don’t know that for sure. The last I heard from another source, Four was still trying to talk her out of transferring at all.

One thing is clear though. I lost sight of who my sister is and began to doubt, even resent her, because of my own feelings about Four. I resolve as I lay here looking at that smile to not let that happen again.

I know I will need to tell her about things, and soon. But not now, that I would wait to tell her when we both made members. I don’t want her to lose focus right now.

“Kat,” Tris calls my name and turns her head to look at me with a smile. “Would you be willing to do me a favor?”

I had just caught my breath and was licking my lips that were extremely dry, as well as my throat. “If the payment for said favor is water, then count me in.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “That does sound wonderful. I’m not sure water would be enough for what I have in mind.”

“Go get that water regardless.” Chase orders as he passes us on the way towards the door after putting away some equipment we used. “We’re done for the night but I suggest you all go to the dorms shortly. Lights out is coming up fast.”

He doesn’t even look our way since he has his phone out again but he tosses us a wave over his shoulder just before he pushes out of the doors.

Around us, everyone is starting to rouse themselves. I push myself up, and beside me, Tris groans in protest.

“Up you get,” Lynn orders her with a grin and holding her hand down for my sister.

“What’s the favor?” I ask my sister, wincing as I pull the material of my shirt from my chest only to find that it, as well as the rest of me, is a disgusting sweaty mess.

“I want to get a tattoo….together.” She replies shyly, a small flush on her cheeks.

Her request surprises me a little and it shows because she shrugs. “I already wanted to get something I just wasn’t sure what. But I was looking the other night and I found something. You don’t have to get the exact same thing...but when I saw it...I just knew I wanted us to get it together. It would….I would like it if you did.”

Her asking this of me plus the feelings I’ve had since after dinner, just confirm for me that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. And that she missed all that too.

I smile and reach to link my arms with hers. “Tris, I would love to and I’m sure that Tori and Bud won’t mind working on us at the same time either if you want.”

Her answer was the beaming smile on her face and once again pulling me along with her. All my friends joined in the excitement but Mar decided this was cause to take it even further.

She decided it was time to take Tris to the shops too. It made me happy that they were making a point to welcome her into the group. I had worried if they would get along but even Lynn is accepting her pretty easily and that can only mean she genuinely likes my sister.

By the smile on her face even when shopping is mentioned, I can tell this makes her happy too.

 

* * *

  
  
Bud started to clean the skin of where I got my tattoo and I looked over to see that Tori is finished with my sisters as well.

Tris is a bit pale from the process. She refused the numbing cream after seeing me do the same, even though we all tried to tell her that I was just a bit sadistic and she didn’t need to follow my madness. But she insisted.

She smiles at me. “Do you like it?” She asks with uncertainty.

“I’m waiting for us to be finished being cleaned up then we can go look at them together.” I reply with a soft chuckle.

She waits impatiently for Tori to finish cleaning hers up. When Tori gives the all clear, she leaps up from the chair and drags me to the mirror with her. We go to the floor length mirror attached to the wall and stand side by side in front if it, looking at our reflections. We’re standing in our sports bras and leggings, having had to take our shirts off to get the tattoo where we decided to get them placed. On our left shoulder, following the line of our collar bone but just slightly under it.

The tattoo design is a simple design really. The lines are delicate and fine, done in black ink and form a feather with a long stem. The stem of the feather is broken in the middle with the phrase _‘alis volat propriis’_ ; which means _‘she flies with her own wings’_. This is done in a delicate flowing script that matches the lines of the rest of the tattoo.

The feather begins to break up towards the end of it where the shape of four ravens take form from bits of the feather. Two of the ravens are smaller than the other two and are taking a flight up and away from the larger two who are taking flight towards the heart. These ravens represent our family with our parents being the larger of the birds flying towards where we know we will always hold them, our hearts. The birds that represent us aren’t so much flying away, as spreading our wings.

It’s perfect. The entire thing is, and what makes it even that much more special is that we picked it out together. Even suggesting our own personal touches to the original simple feather. Tris suggested the ravens while I provided the quote. Together we decided the placement after some suggestions from Bud and Tori.

Those two had known the significance of the tattoo and suggested that we show them proudly.

I can see Tris looking at me through the mirror. Her expression one of apprehension.

I smile at her through the mirror and slip and arm around her waist. “I love it, Tris. It’s perfect.”

Behind us, Mar and Lynn nod their approval with Mar clapping happily and smiling.

“Now to shopping.” Mar says without hesitation and a manic gleam in her eyes.

I barely get to throw my shirt on before she’s herding me and Tris out of the parlor. There’s only an hour or so before lights out and she is determined to get Tris all new and better stuff for tomorrow.

Tris seems to finally catch on that this isn’t going to be a pleasant experience and sends me a pleading look. I reply with a wicked grin and chuckle, looking forward to her being subjected to what I was just less than two weeks ago.

That strikes me as odd, thinking that I haven’t been here a two full weeks yet. It makes me realize how fast things move here and how quickly things can change. I wonder if that’s because this is Dauntless that makes it seem like I’ve been here a lot longer.

It can be hard to separate one day from the next when you don’t get to see the passing of those days. We hardly leave the compound and the few times we have has been to go to the roof to do weapons training and another time on a run outside.

It could be that or it could be there is an air of danger and menace that lives under all the loud parties, raucous laughter, and acts of daring.

When we pass people in the Pit on the way to the dorms, there is this look in their eyes that I’ve seen but haven’t been able to place before. Now it feels like it’s a warning from those grizzled and men and women who have seen initiates come and go over the years.

_Live it up now rookies, you might not be here tomorrow._

I squeeze Tris’ hand as that runs through my head and resolve that we will prove them wrong.

I’ll prove them all wrong. But mostly, I’ll make sure no one ever looks at me with the disgust that _he_ looked at me with.

Never again.

 


	12. What I Meant To Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric returns to Dauntless after two weeks and some very disturbing developments. Will his time spent away from Kat, and with Jeanine at Erudite, completely stop any hope of the two of them becoming more? What could the factionless be after that had them attacking a convoy? Will the loss of soldiers under Eric's command turn Kat away from him or will she be the first to see what others have always refused to see inside of him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own naught but my own plot and the cherry bombs I throw within.

**Chapter 11 - What I Meant To Say**

 

_Eric_

  


It feels like a lifetime has passed since I sat at the meeting in Erudite with Jeanine then was ordered to take a team to Amity to wait for, and escort a transport from outside the fence.

I didn’t know what was in the transport.

I  _never_  know on the occasions I get this same order. I just know that when it comes a lot of sitting on my ass is in store for me.

I spent three days in Erudite alone before I could even set out to Amity. That was three days of my life that I’ll never get back. The first day was spent with Jeanine and making the rounds to different labs while she checked on their projects. This wasn’t anything new for me. She often called me in to do this kind of thing with her even before I left for Dauntless and my transfer didn’t stop her from doing it as much as my position allowed for.

What is new for me is the realization of just what my role has become over the years, especially since I’ve been part of Dauntless.

I’m the unspoken threat. The boogeyman that she dangles in front of those that displease her, warning them of the fate they will suffer at my hands with the snap of her fingers.

In this instance, she was using me to subtly threaten those that she has working on a particular serum that will come into play  _when or if_  she makes a move to take over the government. It’s apparently not going well, the development of this serum, and she isn’t pleased at all. It’s bad enough that she needed a change of staffing and she had a particular person in mind to head up the project.

Problem was, they had no interest in this project and that was unacceptable to Jeanine. Because of this, I was called in to perform my unspoken duty.

I was specifically introduced to a young woman, Cara who is a few years older than me, by Jeanine during a dinner on the final night. It turns out that Cara is one of the rising stars in Erudite and there is a lot of buzz about her. I could tell that Jeanine is not exactly thrilled with this. It dims her shine but it also hints at a possible threat to her power.

Erudite reveres intelligence above all else and because of that, they have the practice of using the IQ of leader candidates to establish hierarchy. From what I could gather, Cara is very close to a match for Jeanine and that isn’t something she will just let go. Unfortunately for the younger woman, Jeanine found the leverage she was looking for when it was revealed her brother transferred from Erudite to Dauntless.

The threats were so subtle anyone else would have missed them, but of course, I didn’t. I couldn’t miss the references to me and my position in Dauntless. How Jeanine would smoothly reassure Cara that, of course, I will do all I can to make sure Will does the faction proud and how he could follow in my footsteps and work his way up to leadership. This was all assuming that nothing,  _untoward,_ happened during initiation such as say...a training accident.

Even when I wasn’t being made to shadow Jeanine I still didn’t get to escape her or her minions.

The biggest one being my older brother Damon.

To say that he and I do not have a good relationship is putting it mildly. We never have and most of that is because of his very obvious jealousy of me. I never really understood what I could have possibly have done to make him so jealous, seeing as he is almost sixteen years older than I am. I get that the attention Jeanine paid to me for a few years before I transferred would have stuck in his craw, but I did transfer, and left him to be the suck ass he has always been.

Despite the fact that there is no love lost between us, Damon has always had this ability to get inside my head and mess with me. Nothing I do has ever been good enough and even though I know this, and I know hate that and him, I always seem to end up trying to please him anyway. Both him and Jeanine really.

Since leaving for Dauntless, and becoming close to Chase and Zach, those two have slowly lost their hold on me. Sometimes I think that the only thing that has kept me from completely  _‘going to the darkside’_  as Zach once joked, has been them and their friendship.

I keep this fact as hidden from the man that shares my blood and Jeanine as much as possible. But to do that, I have to immerse myself in the role and be the person they want me to be when I am there in Erudite. I would like to say I can completely fool them and they are none the wiser but that would be a lie.

They always seem to know and they always seem to make it their mission to twist everything to try and keep me on the path they want me to be on. Before leaving there, I was so wrapped up back into their machinations, that I was doubting everything that occurred between Kat and me.

It was all just really fucking with my mind and I was never so happy to get out of that viper's nest, even if meant I had to cool my heels in Amity.

I’m keeping myself as occupied as I can while here and that isn’t hard to do if you set your mind to it.

Surrounding our city, are miles and miles of both man-made borders as well as ones made by nature, that we use. This border was established at the same time as the city and has to be repaired or reinforced as times goes on. Over the years, other structures were added to it including the permanent guard stations that are spaced out.

We even have guard stations out on the water of the bay that makes up one of the natural borders. One is an old lighthouse station and the other is an old ship that we keep permanently anchored in the bay.

I couldn’t stray too far from the rendezvous point that I knew the transport would be expected at, but I took advantage of the almost week I have to travel to the guard stations I can reach and whip some order back into them.

Those guys can get lazy out there if we aren’t careful, so leadership makes it a point to send out someone every three months to do a series of checks and drills. Every six months a perimeter sweep is done along the entire border and that can take a few weeks to do.

I reached out to Raze, the leader that is currently in the middle of this last sweep and let him know I’m going to handle a section of it for him.

_Might as fucking well get something out of this trip besides being caught up in my head all the time._

Days are much easier to keep my mind occupied even with the text messages I get from Zach and Chase.

For the first three days, while I was in Erudite, these were kept to a minimum. Jeanine doesn’t do well when she thinks my attention is on anything besides her and what she wants it on.

Max and the other leaders have just gotten used to the fact that when I’m there they can expect radio silence from me and my friends aren’t any different. That might have been part of the problem for me and why after leaving Erudite I was so fucking confused and twisted about what I felt and what I was thinking because I didn’t have my brothers to help keep my mind straight.

Zach and Chase both suspected this might happen and my first few communications with let them know for sure.

A simple question from Chase.  _‘How are you feeling about everything with Kat now?’_

My response hadn’t been favorable to her at all.

Leaving Erudite had my paranoia ramped up on high. My head filled with so many  _‘revelations_ ’ and  _‘discoveries’_  about Divergents, the factionless, and Abnegation....

Every card that could be played to bring me back to heel was played masterfully. Especially from Damon and his constant digs about my past, our parents and their failure and shortcomings.

I’m sure those messages for those first few days would seem like I have split personalities. Fuck it feels that way to me at times. I don’t know how my brother’s put up with it but I can freely admit I’m grateful as hell that they do.

My phone pings with an alert and I grab it up off the small table beside the bed I’m stretched out in at the guard station I’m currently occupying. It’s about an hour past dinner time both here at the station and back in Dauntless. I ate with the few guys stationed here but then after dinner came straight to the small room the ranking officer normally occupies but gave to me when I showed up.

I open the message to see it’s from Chase. The content is a picture that he must have just snapped for me of Kat. It’s not the first one he’s sent to me. Every night since I got to Amity he’s sent me something with her in it and an update on how she’s doing.

Both of my friends have taken to doing this outside of our group chat.

With Zach, there aren’t any pictures. From him, there are little stories or events that have happened involving Kat.

Like him telling me about the time Kat came to breakfast looking like she had some kind of rash all over her body. It turned out that Kat and her sister were both having a reaction of some kind to the soap and shampoo they were using. Zach only really mentioned this to me after he asked what the chances would be that I could pick up some crap for him while I’m in Amity. Stuff like shampoo, soap, lotion and bunch of other girly crap. It wasn’t like I thought he was going to use that shit himself so I told him if he had a good enough reason for me too, then I would think about it.

He should have led with it being for Kat.

But that got me to asking a bunch of questions, which turned into him telling me the entire story. It wasn’t exactly riveting in content but I still soaked it up anyways.

Kat is used to products that are either homemade by her family or from Amity in exchange for helping with harvest or various other tasks. The stuff she got from the commissary is pretty harsh and cheap, and her skin isn’t handling it well. She refused to let her friend pitch in to get the higher quality crap and is determined to use what she has until it's gone.

So, I ended up taking a trip to the main compound of Amity where they have their own little open market and picked up the stuff Zach listed for me. Luckily, he had specifics on the list so I just handed over the slip of paper I wrote them down on, handed them to the girl at the stall, and let her handle it all.

Chase’s messages usually included things about how her training is going. If she is still doing morning training and what he’s observing of those.

Fights are coming up really soon and I hope to hell I can get back in time for them, but it’s looking doubtful. She’s supposed to have her first match the day after tomorrow and it looks like I’ll still be hanging out here waiting for this damn transport.

I scroll through the different pictures I have saved that he’s sent me and add tonights to the mix.

This one isn’t as much of a close up as a few of the others he’s taken. They are somewhere in the Pit and she’s looking off at someone off camera, smiling.

She’s always smiling in these pictures. Sometimes in the direction of the camera but most times she’s looking somewhere else. I think that might be the only thing that helps me keep the irrational anger and jealousy at bay, that it's not  _him_  she’s smiling at. I know that Chase and Zach are both spending time with her and I know they can’t help that they get to do that while I’m fucking stuck here.

I groan at the thought of another day here and shut my phone off for the night.

_That transport can’t fucking come soon enough._

 

* * *

 

 

I wake up completely disoriented to the sound of faint beeping from a machine, the air freezing cold, and blinding whiteness coming from the room I’m in. The combination makes it difficult to grasp what’s going on and where I’m at.

I’m unable to move much of my body besides my head and I blink as I turn it this way and that, trying to get more information. Voices are starting to pierce through the fog I’m under as my eyes start to adjust to the light.

“Please try and remain as calm and still as possible as you can, Mr. Coulter. You are still in recovery from your operation and it will take a little while for the anesthesia to wear off.”

I want to ask what the hell the masked woman is talking about but my throat and mouth are betraying me. She doesn’t stick around for me to work through the dryness to speak. Instead, she checks the fluids in a bag hanging from a pole beside the bed I’m strapped to and then speeds off to another side of the room.

By this time, it’s all come back to me.

The transport finally coming through and me heading out to meet it.

Everything seemed pretty standard as we drove away from the Amity compound towards Erudite. I was in the back seat of one of the trucks assigned to escort it. My truck had rear position while I had two of my guys driving and manning the truck in front of the transport. I had my face buried in my phone and was in the middle of exchanging messages with Chase about my expected arrival back to Dauntless as well as his update on Kat and who she was matched against.

I was completely distracted and wrapped up in him telling me how Four matched Kat against an opponent she herself referred to as a joke. How she had been upset about that but even more upset about the fact that Four had sat her sister out.

Chase and I were arguing back and forth about what to do about it, if anything, while I complained once again about Four and his going so easy on the female initiates. But I couldn’t deny that I was also relieved that she wasn’t facing off against one of the guys right from the start and when I can’t be there.

The attack, when it came, completely took out that first truck. They never had a fucking chance. The explosion was enough to blow the transport out of the path and back towards my truck. The next several minutes after that are a blur of working myself from the wreckage, trying to get my men out, and then being pinned down by fire from our attackers.

I was able to return fire and get a position on the factionless that came after us. There was no taking them out on my own, but I held them back and down as much as possible until the backup I called in for made an appearance. I barely registered that I was hit when it happened and I didn’t have time to worry about it when I did finally realize if I wanted to keep the rest of my guys alive.

_I guess I was hit a lot worse than I thought._

The same nurse bustles to my side again, carrying a tray of bunch shit but I can’t really determine what any of it is. Some of it must be more meds to put me under because as soon as she pushes the liquid through the tubing for my IV, I start to feel my eyes and body get heavy again no matter how much I fight against it.

 

* * *

 

  
“Who did we lose?” I ask Max gruffly, my throat still raw from the surgery and my time being held under sedation.

“Gary and David were taken out with the explosion in the first truck. Adam didn’t make it through his surgery. So in all, we lost three of our own, Erudite lost four of theirs, and the transport was a wash too.”

“And the other’s? Did we get any answers from them?”

“There wasn’t anyone left to get answers from. The ones that were left advanced on your position, one of our guys spotted them. He put off a few shots and hit one of them. Apparently, that person had an explosive on him and it blew, taking him and the two others with him.”

“So they kamikazee’ed themselves? That makes no fucking sense, Max. What the hell was on that transport?”

Max doesn’t answer. Instead, he glares me to silence, then stands and walks over to look out of the window of my private room.

“You’ll be kept here for at least tonight and tomorrow, but when you’re released you can head back to Dauntless. I’ve been assured they’ve pumped you full of enough nanites that you should be good to go. I want a full report put on my desk as soon as make it in, and get with Chase to start an investigation in full.”

“Yes, sir.” I grind out while holding my tongue on anything else.

I can tell he’s severely pissed off but I don’t know if it’s at  _me_  and my questioning things or about the attack in general. He stays staring off into the distance out of the window and I can see from his profile worry flashing there and that worries me.

There have been moments, brief moments, in the past where I have seen a sort of weariness on the older man’s face, but he is normally unflappable and hard. It’s moments like these that I wonder about what drives Max and keeps him going. This job is hard on me and I can’t imagine what it’s like for the leader of our faction.

He turns and walks over to pick his jacket up off the back of the chair and for a second it looks like he might be about to say something as he looks at me laying in the bed. He gives a shake of his head and pulls his jacket on.

“Get some rest, Coulter. That’s an order.” He says as a parting comment while walking out of the door.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as the nurse relayed the doctor's determination that I would be free to leave in the morning, I started disconnecting myself and demanding my clothes.

Fuck waiting another damn night I’m all about getting out of here this second.

They don’t even have clothes for me besides what I was transported to Erudite Medical in. The shirt I had on was trashed. They had to cut me out of it when they got me into surgery. I grimace at the blue scrub top I’m handed before the nurse scrambles out and away from me to leave me to dress.

Max was right about me being good to go after the round of meds I was given on Jeanine’s authorization. I look at myself in the mirror of the bathroom and run my hand over the two new additions to a collection of scars I’ve gained over the years.

The surgery removed the bullets and repaired the internal damage, while the nanites did their own thing to heal the wound at an accelerated rate. Right now the wounds were still a really angry red looking circular marks. The redness will fade and I’ll be left with two smaller round scars.

_The only souvenir of how close I came to meet my end._

It wasn’t my almost death that’s on my mind and has been from the time I woke up, but those we lost. Their death has left me pissed as hell and it doesn’t help one damn bit that I can’t even tell their families what really went down.

Max will leave this to me, but the only thing I can and will tell them is that they were with me when factionless attacked us in Amity.

I don’t give a shit that I know  _without a doubt_  that I’m going to end up being blamed for this somehow. That the worst is going to be automatically assumed and that I was in some way behind their deaths. What I did and do care about is that those men can’t be recognized for their actions. They won’t ever really be fully recognized for being the soldiers we train our people to be, and in the end, for giving their lives.

This is an aspect of Dauntless that isn’t talked about, not openly at least, and I’m sure that the other factions don’t ever have it cross their minds. But it’s always on mine and it’s always a weight on my shoulders. One that’s just grown over the years.

With every death certificate I sign or witness, it gets heavier and the blood on my hands seems to get thicker. It’s something I’ve come to live with and just accept as part of life, part of life as a Dauntless.

Or I thought I had.

Maybe it’s the fact that it happened at all or maybe it’s that fact that I have no clue why it happened in the first place. That there was no meaning for to it. Those men died for nothing in my eyes, deaths they didn’t deserve and for what?

What was worth a suicide mission to those factionless?

I know I’m not going to get the answers I need from Max and honestly, I may never find out since the transport was blown to shit, but the time when I did ask questions and just followed orders blindly has well and truly ended. Between this incident, my time at Erudite and my eyes being opened by Kat, me along with my brothers are determined to start looking at things a lot more closely.

It probably didn’t help my current mood and eagerness to get back after Chase’s last update was to inform me about him doing some after dinner training with Kat.

Scratch that, I know it didn’t help. I was seeing red at the time.

It didn’t matter that her sister and friends were there with her. I couldn’t help but feeling pissed that he was doing that with her at all.

That was  _my_ place. That was  _our_ thing. And the entire time I was stuck in that bed I couldn’t help the flood of visions of the two of them. Eventually, I calmed down. It took a last round of meds, a couple of hours rest and a few updates from Chase that I knew he was sending as the training progressed, but I was able to see my jealousy was irrational.

I probably look like a complete mess as I leave Erudite medical. It’s late at night by the time I make it to the train. I could have pulled rank or name dropped and had someone from Erudite drive me back but I’m ready to be gone and don’t want to risk that Jeanine or anyone else will stop that from happening.

Once I make it on the train I wearily sink down onto the ground and recover. The meds do help significantly but my body still feels like I got ran over by a truck. I would love nothing more than to head straight for my apartment, take a long fucking shower and then sack out but I know Max was not playing when he said he wanted me working on my report as soon as I’m back in Dauntless.

I settle in for the ride to prepare for the long night I know is ahead of me.

 

* * *

  
“Fuck,” I groan as I let myself into my apartment, stripping as soon as the door clicks behind me.

I have only one goal and thought in mind and that is my shower. I don’t even care that I’m leaving a trail of my clothes along the way, I’m to far gone to care about it. Doing that report and then sending out a few orders and requests to start the investigation took the last of my energy.

I crank the water to the hottest temperature I can make it, reach into my cabinet over my sink and down a few of the pills the nurse shoved at me before fleeing the room as I was walking out.

Steam is billowing inside the shower enclosure by the time I step in and another groan of relief escapes me. I let my head drop forward and lean against the wall as I let it work on me.

As the tension starts to seep from me, thoughts that plagued me earlier come back to haunt me. Earlier it wasn’t just jealousy and anger I was feeling about Chase spending so much time with Kat. If I’m being completely honest a good deal of what was fueling me is the honest belief that there’s no way she wouldn’t want to go for him.

Not even counting what happened that day on the roof and how badly I fucked up, there are a whole host of other reasons. Reasons that I know are all stemming from my own insecurities that aren’t helped by my recent encounter with a couple of master manipulators but it doesn’t stop them from actually being valid and true.

Chase is really a much more personable person. He’s easy to get along with and all anyone needs to do is take a look at our friendship to know that for a fact. He is also a hell of a lot more socially stable, meaning he knows how to be sociable. He does the relationship thing from time to time and never has issues with finding a girl that wants him for more than just a quick fuck.

While I don’t have issues in getting someone to fuck when I want, girls don’t exactly line up or really seek me out. When the physical urge strikes me I hook up, get what I want and get out of there. It’s never personal or what you would call passionate. There’s no kissing and very little foreplay on my part. There are no awkward next morning's or sleepovers and they damn sure never make it to my apartment, my personal space.

As far as I have been concerned, it's just a function of the body. As for the girls themselves, they get to mark it on their scoreboard, Eric the asshole leader. I’m nothing more than a claim to fame and the temporary rush it gives them to be with someone like me.

I’m a dick with a Capital D and that is on my good days, even with people I call a friend. Outside of Chase and Zach, I don’t do the socializing thing. If I don’t have to interact with someone for work, to get something done or something I want, then I don’t. I haven’t had the urge to do anything that would be considered fun in ages. I honestly don’t even know if I know how to have fun anymore. I don’t normally laugh or smile easily. I’m moody as hell with a temper to match. I over analyze, obsess and read too much into things. 

There isn’t a single fucking thing that I can think of that would make a woman like Kat go for a guy like me, but I want there to be.

I want to be the kind of man that she could see something with. While I might not know where or how to start with her I do know what I do and do not want. I don’t want the physical and I don’t for damn sure don’t want her to want me just for that either. I don’t want to be her experiment or rebellion phase. And while Zach made it clear to me that my thoughts of befriending her first are good, I know I don’t want to stay in that ‘friendzone’, I’ve head other guys joke about before.

I never thought I could be an all or nothing guy when it comes to this crap, but that is exactly what I am feeling for her.

I finish washing after I’ve taken about as much standing under the steady stream of water that I can and then flip the water off.

All this thinking has just exhausted me even further and I know there is no use continuing. Tomorrow is going to come quick and then I will find out if I completely destroyed any chance I might have had with Kat. When I show up for her training in the morning, I’ll have my answer and I can figure out things from there.

 

* * *

  
It takes two cups of gulped coffee while I stand in my kitchen to even be able to see straight enough to get out of my door. I probably could have gotten away with skipping most of the morning, sleeping in. I wasn’t even expected to have been released from the hospital until later this morning, to begin with.

But I knew I would have to face the day and the faction sooner or later and I might as well get this shit over now. Hiding away would just make all those rumors, that I’m sure are already circulating already, that much more believable in their eyes.

There are going to be hard feelings and tempers. Now more than ever I would need to be alert to walk these fucking halls. Carrying around so many fucking knives on a daily basis might seem like overkill and me just trying to be as intimidating as I can but it's not without a reason.

I grimace as I rinse out my coffee cup as I feel a lance of pain and regret at what I knew I was going to face. I’ve always told myself that I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me one damn bit. That I’ve become numb to it over the last eight years. That has always been me doing what I do best, push all of that shit aside so I can do what I need to do.

Now, though, it hits me hard that this is what Kat will be hearing about, how she will see me. It doesn’t leave me feeling exactly hopeful for my chances with her with this added to everything else but I’m not about to give up.

The two cups of coffee are hardly enough to get me going so I had head to the dining hall where I know Chase will be waiting for me. I was able to at least send him off a message once I got back to Dauntless late as fuck.

He and Zach had both bitched at first about me not messaging them as soon as I found out so they could have at least met me on the train. I know it had been hard on them both to stay away from the hospital but we all knew we couldn’t risk Jeanine and my brother got wind of that.

Even with the need for more coffee, I had the desire to skip it and go right to the training room to see if Kat was already there. A stubborn prideful part of me was holding back, already railing at me that it was bad enough I was going to be apologizing to her, which is another first on my list of  _‘shit you’ll never catch me doing’_.

I even said as much to my brothers via text when I was still ranting and raging after leaving Erudite. They both had bluntly told me then I could kiss any chance with her goodbye, that I could sit back and watch as some other guy that was man enough to realize he wasn’t always right and knew when to admit it. They got me with the part about watching her move on to some other guy that could and would give her everything I might not be willing to.

I’m scowling at that memory and how that made me feel as I enter the dining room. My eyes instantly land on the only occupied table where my brother is sitting facing me with the unmistakable back of Kat facing me.

My stomach does a lurch and makes my scowl get deeper until I see Chase looking directly me. There’s no mistaking that his eyes are sending me a message that I better wipe the scowl from my face if I don’t want to end any attempt to make it right before I can even start it.

I moved away from the door and went directly to collect myself a cup of coffee and worked to make my expression as neutral as possible. They are talking about something as I approach, with Kat even laughing softly. That cuts off before I even make it to the table and I see just the tiniest of flinches in her body posture when she looks out of the corner of her eyes to see me at the end of the table.

I hesitate for a split second before I nod in Chase’s direction as he turns his head and nods. “Chase. Kat. Morning.”

She’s looking directly at me now and looks both surprised and wary of my appearance and greeting. That knife in my gut twists.

“Morning Eric. Good to see you back from those patrol runs you’ve been on. I’m sure it feels good to be back finally too. Although, I’m sorry to hear about Gary and David. They were both good guys and will be missed.” My brother was being sincere in his tone and the words but I also saw he was trying to be helpful with letting that slip.

Her look of shock and worry was hard to miss but what stunned me was her response.

“You were out on patrols?” She said in a tone that was half repeating the words and half asking for confirmation. Before I could respond though her forehead scrunched up and she looked down for a second before meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry to hear that we lost anyone.”

There was no accusation or blame in her tone. It wasn’t, anyone  _you_  lost, but  _we_. The simple understanding and commiseration, along with the brief look of worry she directed towards me, is making it hard for me to respond but I find a way.

I nod simply back to her and move to take a seat beside her. “They were good guys and good soldiers. It just shows that it could be any of us at any time.”

Chase casts a brief pained look into his cup, then looks back up grimacing slightly. “It’s why we have to be the way we are during training. And not just what you are getting right now in initiation but in all the trainings you will get as a member. Remember when were talking about that with Lynn one day, that what position you get will determine the depth of the training and what will be concentrated on?”

Kat nods after taking a sip of her coffee. “I do. I also remember Lynn complaining right along with you that there should be a standard training that all Dauntless should be kept to no matter if they wash dishes or patrol the fence.” She laughs a little then shrugs and looks down at her watch with a frown and grimace. “Speaking of training. I really need to get started on mine. I got a later start on it this morning that I would have liked.”

Chase rolls his eyes with a sniff and shrugs back at her. “Can’t blame that one on me, Kat. I released all of you guys with more than enough time to get hydrated and go to bed. You guys are the ones that decided tattoos and shopping were the better activities.”

“Worth it,” She smiles softly with a shrug and looks at the table while raising a hand to softly touch the collarbone of her left side, lightly brushing along the neckline of her t-shirt and where I can just make out black against the cream colored skin. It’s just enough of a glimpse to see that it might be a feather with other things included, just a tease that has me tempted to pull the shirt aside so I can run my fingers along it and get a better look at it.

The second tattoo she’s gotten. The first one, the one just behind her ear and that is a completely unexpected design, had me feeling a rush of desire when I saw the chemical representation for adrenaline. It also had me storming into the tattoo parlor when I heard Bud put it up on his wall for God and all to see and possibly pick. He has it set aside in back along with the other one he said goes with it. Serotonin.

I clear my throat after shifting uncomfortably not understanding why seeing ink on her has always affected me so much.

“I’ll go with you if you give me just a moment to finish my coffee.” I tell her while holding her eyes. I kept the tone as neutral as I could, not really commanding her. Admittedly, I’m not really giving her much choice either.

She might not be willing to go back to the friendliness we were starting to establish before but I know one thing for sure about Kat and it is that she will always try to maintain the proper respect for those of higher rank than her, regardless of personal feelings.

“You don’t have…” “I mean, I’m sure you have much better things to…” “I just don’t want to inconvenience you.”

She rambles this all out, stopping and starting again mid sentence. It’s as if she doesn’t want to refuse me but doesn’t want to accept either. She didn’t refuse me outright though and that’s something isn’t it?

_Jesus, it’s better than nothing._

It’s better than the looks I dreamed of her giving me all through the little sleep I did get.

“It’s not an inconvenience,” I pause and look away, hating the doubt I see creeping back into her eyes. So I take a drink of my coffee and see Chase shaking his head slightly across the table, closing his eyes slightly and wincing. I swallow and look back at her. “Kat,” I say and the rest of the words get stuck so I have to cough slightly and continue. “I’m sorry…” Her head whips around to face me and her eyes widen slightly, but she just sits there not saying anything. As if she’s waiting for me to go on. “Um...that’s I haven’t been here to continue the morning trainings...and for missing your first fight.”

Going by Chase’s look, I failed pretty badly on my apology, but it isn’t him that I’m concerned about, it’s how she takes it.

She nods and looks down at the table. “I understand though.” She takes a breath and looks back at me. “I….if you wouldn’t mind then….thank you. I would like the opportunity to work with you again.”

Her tone and wording is still more formal than what we established before I put my foot in it and she still had a bit of a guarded look in her eyes, but it’s a start.

Chase clears his throat and I see his lips tilting up in the slightest before he rubs a hand over his lips, drops it and shrugs while he looks between us.

I know he’s going to give me shit later about this entire awkward ordeal but at least he saves and decides to help me out a bit more instead. “Zach said something about being in a mood for pancakes now that he has access to a better kitchen again. Wouldn’t want to miss those, Kat.”

Kat’s smile and laugh before she nods in agreement let’s me know that my brother has just saved my ass from another awkward as hell moment at the end of training. I was already wondering how I was going to pull off getting her to come along this morning.

I gulp down my coffee then reach for Kat’s cup after I see she’s already done with hers. I get up quickly and go over to return the cups and Chase meets me halfway with a couple of water bottles that he hands over to me with a smirk.

“I’ll take a case of beer as a thank you,” He mutters under his breath as Kat grabs the small bag she had sitting beside her and moves towards the dining hall door when she sees me turning towards it too. She’s blushing as she waves towards Chase. “Good luck,” He says with meaning and waves back to her.

I nod but don’t vocally reply. Honestly, I know I’m going to need a lot more than luck.

_I’m going to need a miracle._


	13. It's Not You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning brings another typical day in initiation for Kat. So she thought, but the start isn't as good as she hoped. There's the exhaustion from the previous days' activities. There's the question and worry of who she and Tris will face for their fights. Oh and...there's also the appearance of someone she wasn't expecting back...How will all that go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own naught but my own plot and the cherry bombs I throw within.

**Chapter 12 - It’s Not You**

 

**_Kat_ **

 

Al has yet another round of crying during the night. There haven’t been many nights that he’s gone without at least sniffling but over the last few nights it had gotten better. I guess yesterday's fights hit him even harder than he was letting on. 

I’ve discovered that I’m a hell of a light sleeper. Because as soon as he starts up I’m awake and groaning. Not all from the frustration of being woken up again either.

I’m sore all over and that is just making how tired I am to seem even worse than it is. It does make me feel a little better when I hear a few other muffled groans coming from around the room.

I lay there debating what to do and wondering if I dare to look at the time when all of that is answered for me by my watch alarm going off. I quickly slap my hand over it to shut it off and then let out a tired sigh.

_ The watch doesn’t lie. It’s time to get my ass in gear. _

I groan as I get dressed and I swear to everything that the groan comes out sounding like the word coffee.

_ I’m definitely going to need coffee first to be able to do this. _

I make my with barely open eyes and still groaning occasionally along the way. I feel like I’m barely conscious and wonder how safe it is to be walking around Dauntless like this. I feel like my entire schedule and body rhythm has been thrown off. I don’t even know if I made my bed this morning when I got up like I normally do and that was literally just a few minutes ago!

I head towards the dining hall entrance, shuffling through it and head hanging down, and collide with someone.

Whoever it grips me tightly with a chuckle as they steady me.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that none of you listened to me last night?” I look up to see Chase’s blue eyes sparkling down at me.

I don’t even bother to do anything other than sigh and groan tiredly. The man is a saint because he takes pity on me, leads me to a table and then goes to get me my much-needed coffee.

After I’ve taken a few big drinks from the cup I finally answer him. “Yeah. Tris wanted to get her first tattoo and wanted me to get one with her. So there was that. Then Mar took the opportunity to get her some new clothes because let’s face it if my sister wasn’t forced to do it she was just going to keep wearing the stuff she was given those first few days and not bother with more.” I take another gulp and then shrug at him. “But if I’m being completely honest, it was the early morning training session combined with the one after dinner that kicked my ass.”

I finish talking and inhale the rest of the cup. It helps that he’s just as busy inhaling his own. When we are both on our second cup, and I’m in the middle of trying to cool it and drink it at the same time, he finally speaks up with a laugh.

“I think I’m just going to need to bring you a pot of that for at this rate.”

I hum my approval and pause in drinking. “As I said at breakfast the other day, Erudite should make themselves useful and create caffeine patches, that would solve everything.”

“Naw, I’d miss the challenge too much. There’s something cathartic about trying to drink scalding hot coffee without getting third-degree burns and losing the ability to taste anything for the rest of my life.”

I snort out a brief laugh and go to answer him back when I see someone approaching the table from the corner of my eyes. The way my body starts to tingle and the drop in my stomach already told me who it was before I even got the visual but it takes my brain a second or two to catch up and when it does, I flinch slightly before I force myself to stop moving altogether.

The look of disgust on his face that day on the roof is burned into my mind and is the first thing I look for. I’m not seeing it though. Eric is standing at the end of the table, looking as tired as I feel with a blank look on his face.

He gives a slight nod. “Chase. Kat. Morning.” The words are slightly gruff, like he just woke up, all raspy and warm even if the tone is free of any emotion.

My reaction to that greeting and his presence is a surge of fluttering in my stomach and a warming of my body. Even stronger than what I had when we last saw each other despite almost two weeks of no kind of contact.

_ Shit, this is not boding well for me already. _

I’m not sure what I look like to him sitting her with slightly wide eyes and unable to return his greeting but I’m feeling like a damn fool.

“Morning, Eric. Good to see you back from those patrol runs you’ve been on. I’m sure it feels good to be finally back too. Although, I’m sorry to hear about Gary and David. They were both good guys and will be missed.” My head snaps between Chase who is looking at Eric with real concern and regret in his eyes, to Eric who has a flash of pain that goes through his.

Panic and worry flood me at Chase’s words. Lost men means that there was an attack of some kind and that also meant that there was the possibility Eric was hurt. Then more feelings flood me, guilt and frustration that for the last two weeks I have harbored feelings and thoughts that I had no right to be feeling. Especially now that I know Eric had only been doing his duty as a Dauntless and Leader.

“You were out on patrols?” The words are spoken out loud while I only mean to say them in my mind while I look at Eric. None of that guilt and frustration stops me from letting my eyes move over him, looking for any signs that he was or is hurt. I don’t really realize I’m doing it at first and when I do finally I inwardly curse myself look down, feeling a flush of embarrassment come over my skin before I take a breath and look back at him. “I’m sorry to hear that we lost anyone.” I finish sincerely.

He nods to me briefly and moves to sit at the table, right beside me. “They were good guys and good soldiers. It just shows that it could be any of us at any time.”

Even with the space he keeps, that almost feels respectful in a way, but my body still reacts to it regardless.

“It’s why we have to be the way we are during training. And not just what you are getting right now in initiation but in all the training you will get as a member. Remember when we were talking about that with Lynn one day, that what position you get will determine the depth of the training and what will be concentrated on?”

I nod after taking a sip of coffee, grateful for the change of subject and distraction from what my body is doing right now. “I do. I also remember Lynn complaining right along with you that there should be a standard training that all Dauntless should be kept to no matter if they wash dishes or patrol the fence.” I laugh and shrug at the memory but also the relief that a sudden exit strategy was just handed to me. I look at my watch and frown then say with all truth. “Speaking of training. I really need to get started on mine. I'm getting a later start on it this morning that I would have liked.”

Chase sniffs disdainfully and rolls his eyes at me with a shrug. “Can’t blame that one on me, Kat. I released all of you guys with more than enough time to get hydrated and go to bed. You guys are the ones that decided tattoos and shopping were the better choices.”

The night flashes in my mind and I remember all those moments with Tris. How my friends made her part of the group and how wide her smile got. She looked young again and the weight of responsibility that had begun to weigh her down there at the end in Abnegation seemed to melt away.

“Worth it,” I reply with a smile and reach up to brush my hands over the new tattoo.

I might have told Chase about getting the tattoo with Tris, but I could never put into words how all of that felt and what it meant. Even if I could, there was no way I was going to be able to relay that to these to mean. That would be revealing too much and way too personal. Something I have already done way too much with these two men.

Eric clears his throat and shifts beside me, drawing my attention back to him to find him staring intently at my hand as it ghosts over where the tattoo is peaking out from the neckline of my shirt. The intensity of his eyes causes all kinds of feelings in me as images of him running his fingers over the spot flash through my mind.

_ Yeah, you need to go, and now. _

“I’ll go with you if you give me just a moment to finish my coffee.” His eyes shift back up to mine after he says this.

The words and tone take me by surprise and also leave me feeling a little confused. It’s not a request but it’s also not really a command. But this is coming from Eric and he doesn’t do requests and he doesn’t just offer to do things either.

So what he’s stating, is what’s going to happen and I can’t pinpoint how I feel about any of that.

I bite my lip in thought because I do want him to, so fucking badly. At the same time, it feels like it would just be asking for trouble for myself.

“You don’t….” I stop because I don’t want to say that he doesn’t have to. Because of course he fucking doesn’t! “I mean, I am sure you have much better things to do than have to….” Nope can’t say that either because I am fighting myself. It would be a rejection and I just can’t do that. “I just don’t want to inconvenience you.” I finally get out. It isn’t a rejection but it puts it all up to him.

“It’s not an inconvenience.” He states neutrally and looks away with the smallest of frowns turning his lips down at the sides. He takes a small drink of his coffee.

I turn my eyes away from him and towards Chase who looked to be rubbing his face tiredly.

“Kat,” Eric’s says but then stops and does this half cough and half clearing of his throat. “I’m sorry…”

I whip my head around to look at him in disbelief and just stare at him, wondering what he’s apologizing for. His forehead wrinkles and he frowns a little at me. “Umm...that I haven’t been here to continue the morning training...and for missing your first fight.”

I’m not sure why I’m feeling disappointment along with the confusion, but I am. I wasn’t expecting him to apologize at all and I’m not sure how I feel about it honestly. When it comes down to it, I don’t trust myself when it comes to him.

I nod and look away from, to look down at the table. “I understand though.” I take a breath and make a decision. “I….if you wouldn’t mind then….thank you. I would like to work with you again.”

There.

Now, this is all on him if he is sincere in wanting to do this. If it’s just him trying to test me to see how I’m going to react after the roof then I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing how much that hurt me.

And I definitely will not let whatever happens to be anything more than me working with a leader of my faction to be better and keep my promises.

Chase clears his throat from across the table. “Zach said something about being in the mood for pancakes now that he has access to a better kitchen again. Wouldn’t want to miss that, Kat.”

At first, I intend to refuse. To say I couldn’t or shouldn’t. But his joking nature and smile put me at ease like it has so many times this week. I also know that I would offend Zach, who has made specific mention that he was looking forward to making breakfast again and that he expected me there when he did.

So I laugh and smile as I give the smallest nod of agreement, then drink the last bit of coffee from my cup. I can’t help the blush that creeps over my face as Eric drains his and then reaches for mine with a small smile.

I relinquish the cup and watch as Eric quickly gets up and moves away from the table.

“See you at breakfast,” Chase says with a smile as he gets up and heads off, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a bundle of nerves.

I grab the bag I now carry that has the gloves, tape and various other things I now bring to morning training. Then I stand up on slightly shaky legs and make my way towards the dining hall door to exit, pausing to wait for Eric who is talking to Chase.

They finish their short conversation and Chase and I exchange waves while Eric comes towards me with a slightly intense expression. We walked together, falling into step like we did that day we walked away from his apartment. I worked to school my features into that same mask, and it wasn’t exactly too hard when I’m feeling such a tangle of feelings and thoughts.

Questions and theories, doubts and hopes; they are all colliding making it difficult to sort through.

Could Eric just be doing this per his role as Instructor and Leader, seeing to my training personally? Maybe there is some kind of benefit he will get from it if he’s able to take ‘the stiff’ and make sure she makes it through initiation and ranks well? Maybe it’s just an experiment to see if that is even possible. Maybe this is Eric having found a new way to mess with Four like he always seems to be doing since that seems to have been a favorite complaint from him when we would meet up over the years?

There are a million reasons he could be doing this and none of them would be what I’m secretly hoping for to my very core despite every effort to not want that.

So maybe I can redirect that hope to something much more reasonable. I can use the advice I was given by a trusted friend and mentor. I’ve already been doing the first part of that advice.

Putting aside preconceived notions and don’t base how I see or feel about someone based on other’s opinions but to form my own.

Maybe it’s time to put the other part of that advice in action and look for allies and friends, even if they come in the unlikeliest of forms?

 

* * *

 

 

My early morning training, so far, hasn’t been too different than any other morning.

Stretching, warm up cardio, then a short run for a set amount of laps.

All of this feels so normal that is almost uncomfortable for the fact that not only am I in a completely different training room doing these things, but Eric has been there right beside me, every step of the way, keeping pace.

This all came about after Eric led me to the Dauntless-born training room instead of the normal training room for the transfers. I'm not complaining one bit about the change of scenery. This training room is much better equipped and is definitely in better condition. I also understand that he picked this training room over the other. Over time since starting I’ve slowly been joined in that room by not only my sister but Will, Edward, and Peter.

They don’t get there as early I do but they all end up in the room the end of my self-appointed cut off time.

I guess in here it will be less likely to be seen together and that makes me aware that it would be better if it’s kept that way. I’m not sure how others will take me having one on one time with Eric.

I know how those I’m closest to would react. I can just see it now.

Lynn will be jealous but thrilled at the same time. Mar and Uri will be worried and probably insist on being present just to make sure I don’t do something to get in trouble with him. Tris would probably try to drag me out of the training and warn me to keep far away from him, she would be so worried.

It’s everyone else that I’m worried about, especially Four.

From the moment we got in here Eric has been all business. He asked what my normal routine is and agreed that it was good, then followed right along with me during it. Only speaking when he made a suggestion for my warm-up routine or during the run when he would call out to pick up or slow the pace down.

We are at the end of our cool down lap when he speaks up again.

“Kat, you said you’ve worked with knives before right?”

I shake and stretch my legs while taking deep breaths and nod with a frown. I look over to see him beside me doing something of the same. “Yes, Sir.”

He stands straight after releasing his stretch and nods while looking over to the side of the room where the throwing stations are all set up. “Your class hasn’t gotten to them yet but I would like to see where you are at with them.”

My frown deepens but I nod in agreement even though he is already moving over towards where his bag is sitting on one of the benches.

It’s not like I can disagree or argue with him. This may be training I’ve decided to take on myself but he is still clearly in charge.

I follow a little slower. Taking the time to grab my own bag and my water. I take a drink as I walk over to join him and set everything down at the same table he now has his bag at.

He is rifling through his bag and then finally pulls out a large rolled up bit of cloth. He moves the bag to the side and then unrolls what is in his hands to reveal a set of throwing knives of various design and size that are all neatly strapped to the cloth.

I bite my lip to hide my amusement and excitement at seeing what we would be working with.

I guess I don’t hide any of that well because he chuckles ever so softly and smirks over at me. “Can you guess what a favorite pastime of mine is?”

I laugh outright at this and shake my head ruefully. “I don’t blame you. I love working with them as well. I always wanted my own set of knives but yours are amazing.” I remark almost reverently and catch that his smirk widens, even more, looking slightly smug, while he starts to pull out a few knives from their places.

“Then, I look forward to seeing what you can do.” He turns to face me fully and presents the knives with a challenging lift of his eyebrow.

My chin juts up and out as I smile in reply to his challenge and deftly take the knives off his hands.

A thrill of anticipation and pleasure runs through me, at having knives in my hand again definitely, but the quality and design of the knives are beyond what I even imagined being able to see much less handle.

I turn and make my way over to one of the throwing stations that line the wall. There is no real reason that I pick the middle target other than it was closest and I am eager to get started.

I do take the time to test the weight and balance of one of the knives in my hand as I am walking over there.

Maybe I took to long to get in place, gauging my target and getting used to the knives themselves, because Eric comes up beside me with a frown on his face and his shoulders tensed up with his hands clasped behind his back. I turn my head to the side to get a better look at him and see that his eyes also seem to be worried or apprehensive.

_ He must be worried that I don’t really know what I’m doing. _

Pride and determination set in, as I determine the best way to cut that off is to show him I’m not going to choke.

I narrow my eyes, assume the correct stance, and launch my first knife down at the target. There is a solid thunk as the knife lodges itself into the cut out blue section that is in the shape of a human body and I smile as I see it landed dead center of the chest.

I mark that in my mind and know I want to go for the heart area so will have to make adjustments from there.

“Kat, I wanted to talk to you about the day on the roof,” Eric’s strained and gruff voice pierces my concentration and takes me by surprise.

My breath catches and my smooth throw goes off, making the knife thud well outside of the area I intended it too while my mind works fast.

I have never felt more like avoiding a subject as I do at this moment and I can’t help trying to voice that in as respectful way as I can.

“There’s…” I croak as if there’s a frog that sucked helium stuck in my throat. I clear it while shaking my head and internally cursing myself then try again. “I apologize but I don’t think that’s necessary, Sir. I completely understand that you have concerns about Four and our previous involvement. But I would just like to say that you don’t have to worry that I would ever allow that to interfere….”

“Kat,” Eric barks out my names as I continue to ramble everything out in a rush.

He moves even closer to my side and reaches, taking my chin in his hand and turning me to look at him since I was refusing to do so until now.

“I need to apologize for me....” he pauses and breathes in through his nostrils as they flare slightly, “behavior towards you. It was uncalled for.”

I can’t help that my body turned to face him more fully and I lean into his hand slightly. I realize this but seem to be unable to stop it. His eyes and the sincerity of his words are drawing me in and I frown.

He hasn’t let go of my face but his hand moves in the slightest so now his thumb seems to be brushing lightly over my jawline. I swallow heavily, thinking I need to look away before I make a fool of myself.

_ I should, I just can’t. _

“This is going to sound so fucking cliche’,” He finally says with a small sideways smile that also crinkles the sides of his almond shaped eyes. “But it really wasn’t you at all, Kat. It was all me. Or rather,” He stops and lets out a small huff of a frustrated breath, “It was me and Four. Sometimes my issues with him get the better of me and I,” He pauses again but this time he takes a deep breath like he is about to say something that is hard for him to admit. “I lost it, Kat. I try not to let shit he does or says to get to me but it doesn’t always work and I react. So that day on the roof wasn’t you but my own issues, long-standing, with Four.”

He finishes softly and his eyes are filled with some kind of plea. Like he is silently asking me to understand and forgive him. Between that, the fact that he is now softly running his thumb over my cheek, and how being so close to him makes me feel; I find I’m unable to process any of this.

It feels too surreal and as if what’s really going on is that I’m locked into some kind of dream or something.

Because there is no way this is real. There is no fucking way that Eric Coulter, Second in Command of Dauntless, ruthless and hard leader Eric Coulter; just apologized to me.

There is no way he just admitted weakness and there is definitely he just admitted that weakness to a lowly initiate.

There is no way that same man, handsome devil that he is, is standing here with his hand on my face tenderly stroking it….looking seconds away from kissing me.

_ Fuck! Maybe I passed out from exhaustion and am in so deep of sleep that this is the result. Well, there is only one way to test that. _

In my effort to pinch myself to check if I was dreaming, I failed to remember that I had knives clutched in my hand. The good thing was I confirmed instantly that I was most certainly not dreaming.

  
  



	14. Breathe Into Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric's apology doesn't go exactly how he planned. The aftermath and result of his return begins.

**Chapter 13 - Breathe Into Me**

**_ Eric _ **

She stabbed herself!

_Stabbed_. _Herself_.

Fuck!

After my apology and admission about my issues with Four, the heavy weight of silence hung between us, feeling like it took centuries. She didn’t pull away from my touch at least.

I tenderly brushed my thumb over her cheek and wonder why I feel so compelled to touch her like this. It’s something completely foreign and unknown to me but I can’t seem to get enough. The pull for more is so strong but I hold that in place and wait. Trying to read what she might be feeling or thinking about everything I've said.

Honestly, she was looking like the proverbial deer in fucking headlights at the moment. That is until her wrist flicked and she brought the knives she was holding down on her arm.

I was too late to stop it and could only watch in astonishment and disbelief as they raked across her flesh. Tearing into it in at least one inch long gashes.

Did she yell or scream or cry out even a little?

Nope!

“Oh shit. That’s not good.” She murmurs in a breathy and pained tone while she looks down at her arm that I’m now reaching for to examine myself.

“ _You think_? Fuck!” I snarl out and drag her back over to the table where our crap is sitting.

I wrap it as quickly as I can. Thanking God that I replaced the towel I use during workouts with a clean one. Then I try to keep the pressure on it while I throw everything back into my bag. I huff when I realize there is a knife in the target.

“Keep your hand tight on this,” I order her and move off quickly after she does what I say. I jog over to get the knife, head back to the table. I quickly finish packing everything up and shoulder both our bags, then grab her by her good arm and drag her out of the room.

I’m beyond the ability to think clearly. If I was, I would be considering how this is going to look as I drag her directly to the clinic. I’m too angry at myself and wondering if I messed up so badly with Kat that she felt the only way to get away from me was to stab herself.

“Eric!” Kat’s shout and jerking in my grasp got my attention and I scowl as she finally breaks free and stops dead in her tracks.

“What?” I growl out loudly while reaching to pull her back along with me.

She sidesteps my grasp and shakes her head then puffs out a breath, blowing hair that broke free from her ponytail and in front of her eyes.

“I should go alone.” She says calmly to me and with complete confidence. Reminding me of my own expression and tone when I state something that could be considered a suggestion, but I know really it’s what is going to happen no matter what.

I bristle at that shake my head from side to side. “Not happening. I need to make sure…”

“Eric,” She calls my name again, stopping me from finishing that sentence. “You can’t.” She follows this quickly with a soft smile and shakes her slightly. “You know you can’t. This morning….I know we shouldn’t be…” She trails off and looks away for a moment. “I know that this could cause issues but I also know that they will be worse if you go in with me. I’ll go in and tell them I was practicing on my own and you found me, that you were going to stop me, but I already hurt myself. That way this can still be reported but it won’t come back on you. But if they, or her, think you were there the entire time or at all Eric….”

She trails off with a sigh, not finishing and she doesn’t need to. I know exactly what she is saying or not saying and it just pisses me off because she isn’t wrong.

I feel a brief flash of regret and defeat but I smother that and fire up my mind, finally, and plan quickly.

“Fine. You go in by yourself but I will be sending Chase to go there and be with you. Then as soon as you are done I expect you to come to my apartment with him.”

I don’t even feel a little bad about commanding her in this. It’s bad enough that I can’t be there and that I don’t trust her to go by herself. I haven’t forgotten for a second her remarks about how she feels regarding pain medications. How could I ever forget that? And I know from just that glimpse of her that if I sent her into that clinic by herself she was would ask for the bare minimum to get this taken care of an not a bit more.

That’s unacceptable.

I trust Chase, even knowing his feelings for her….

She hesitates, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth before she releases it with a nod and soft sigh. “I will, Eric. I promise.”

At least something good came of this clusterfuck. She’s back to saying my name at least. I can’t dwell on that so I focus on the now.

“Good.” I nod and reach for my phone, pulling it out where I had it stowed in a pocket of my bag. When I have the screen open and am about to message Chase, I feel her hand on my arm, making my eyes shot to hers.

“I just wanted to say thank you for the apology and for telling me about the thing with Four. Believe it or not, I can completely relate.” She softly laughs and shakes her head with a wry grin tilting her lips before he falls a little and her brow wrinkles a little. “If you think it might better…”

“No!” I already knew where she was going to be headed with this. I could see it in her eyes and I couldn’t stop the growl leaving me as I barked out, stopping her words in their tracks. I soften the tone at her frown deepening and then lose my scowl. “No, Kat. I just need you to know that it will never be directed to you or at you. I won’t lie, it might get bad between the two of us but that would happen regardless. They are our issues to sort out though. I don’t want it to change anything or stop whatever we…” I pause on the words I had been about to say. To stop me from saying relationship. That can’t happen, not in the way I want, not yet. I also don’t know if she would want that after what passed between us but I have the starting point I talked about with my brothers.

“I _am_ your leader and instructor, but I would also like it if maybe...I could be counted a friend, Kat.”

A slow smile and a faint blush starts to spread across her face, catching fire in her eyes until her smile can only be described as beaming at me.

That fucking smile…..

A tension I didn’t know I was carrying, along with the breath I was holding, eased in me as she smiled up at me. Her pleasure and acceptance radiating through me before she speaks the words.

“I would like that, Eric.” She says softly, the smile not lessening much.

Then in a move too fast for me to react or prepare for, she tips up on her tiptoes then leans into and presses her lips against my cheek.

She pulls back before I can truly register the soft pillowy warmth of her lips and only the electric shock it sent to the area. She bites her bottom lip and is blushing like crazy as she turns and takes off down the hallway to the clinic.

It takes me a moment to get my brain working again as my cheeks and the back of my neck feel uncomfortably warm. I realize I’m fucking blushing but at this moment I don’t give a shit as I lift a hand and touch the area that still sizzles from the contact.

“Fuck me,” I mutter and realize I’ve been smiling this entire time.

The weight of the phone in my hand brings me back to the present and look to see the screen is dark. I brush my finger across the screen and it lights back up, Chase’s name and the waiting message area already ready for me.

I take a moment to figure out what I’m going to say and internally grumble knowing this isn’t going to sound good at all.

_‘Need you to go be with Kat in the clinic. Make sure she takes whatever they want to give her and that she doesn’t try and take as little treatment as possible.’- Eric_

It takes a few moments for him to respond and I’ve already forced myself to start walking in the opposite direction towards the apartment. In that time I have another thought of someone I might be able to trust to take care of Kat.

_‘What the fuck happened?’ - Chase_

_‘I'll explain later, just get to the clinic. I don’t trust her to get treated. Matter of fact, get Shauna to take care of her.’ - Eric_

_‘Already on my way. We will talk about this later’ - Chase_

I shake my head grumbling as I stalk my way home. I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. It’s taking me too much effort to keep myself from saying fuck it and heading right back to that clinic. It's taking a force of will just to keep walking.

By the time I’ve gotten to my door, I’ve already sent off five more messages asking for an update from Chase.

I like to think that I have control and patience and I think for almost every other aspect of myself and life, I do. But I’ve found out very quickly that when it comes to Kat, both of those are sorely tested.

 

* * *

 

 

I heard the voices in the hallway and the code being put into the door the same time as Zach and I spun out of my pacing to head towards the door.

“Oh, thank fucking god,” Zach huffs loudly and throws me an exasperated look.

I scowl at him but don’t bother replying.

I know I’ve been hard to deal with for the past hour. Zach was just as worried, but I became a nightmare if his grumbling and cursing me is any indication. It might also be an indication that Chase just straight up shut his phone off to keep me from blowing it up with messages.

I don’t know that they have anything to be complaining about though, I could have been a hell of lot worse.

There isn’t even time for the door to be opened on their side before I whip it open on mine.

Kat is in front of Chase, his hand on her shoulder like he was directing her to go forward ahead of him. I know I shouldn’t have the surge of jealousy and anger at him for being with or touching her, but I do. I can’t even hide it as my lip starts to curl up in a snarl that drops as soon as his hands drop away from her and mine makes contact when I pull her through the door then start my inspection of her. Every instinct in me is guiding me to be more thorough. To hold her and run my hands over her until I can feel every inch of her is okay. I have to beat every one of those instincts into submission, but I do take her arm and gently lift it up to look at it.

I can’t see much since it’s currently wrapped in a thin layer of the light-duty bandages. Part of it is gauze to let the wound breathe while also shielding it. The other part of its make-up is a thin adhesive type material that will adhere to the skin keeping it in place.

“I was sure stitches would be more than enough but I was talked into letting them use the healing serums and something called a liquid bandage. They said that the wrapping was just to add extra protection because I’ll be fighting today.” She replied with a shrug after I looked at the bandage questioningly.

I grunted in approval, glad now that I insisted Chase go and that Shauna take care of her. She might not know Shauna well, but as Zeke Pedrad’s longtime girlfriend and Lynn’s sister, I knew she would be the one to trust to be in charge of seeing to Kat.

A look at Chase sees him nodding in agreement and with a pointed look in his eyes that tells me everything I thought was exactly what would have happened if they hadn’t been there. Then he switches gears and vocally tells me what happened.

“She was being extremely stubborn about it. Despite orders from me and the nurse. But when Shauna mentioned that it might cause her to be excused from fights if she went with stitches instead of the serum, she finally saw reason. It won’t affect her during fights much. As long as she doesn’t pull a stunt from Wolverine, then she should be fine. Which is what she told the nurse by the way.” He says with a smirk looking at me then back to Kat and shaking his head with a smile crossing his face. “You sure can tell some tall tales there, Kat.”

He’s laughing now, so apparently whatever story she came up with was amusing enough that the anger and worry he had at first is gone now.

“Breakfast is ready,” Zach says, ushering us all with words to take our seats at the dining table. “And I could use a few laughs, so you can share that while we eat.” He shoots me another glare over his shoulder as he goes into the kitchen.

He poured Kat a cup of coffee but pointedly skipped me. Payment for harassing the only person in my line of sight during the wait.

 

* * *

 

Zach gets his laugh but it’s actually Chase who tells the story.

Kat was glad to let him have the reigns, shaking her head at him here and there for what I can tell is him embellishing the story as she ate her pancakes.

She’s now currently enjoying a second serving of pancakes without the syrup we used. She found it too sweet when she was offered it and Zach solved that by making a concoction of honey and butter. Something I just learned is a favorite of hers, and I find myself filing that away along with all the other things I’ve been learning either directly from her or from my friends.

“When Kat finished telling her all this, and Shauna looked at me, her face was priceless. Then she whispered something about not believing that Eric let her live after that stunt, all in complete shock. Kat just shrugged and said that Eric did tell her that it would serve her right if gangrene set in.” Chase smirked over at Kat who was blushing beet red and looking at her plate shyly.

Zach lets out loud laugh, holding his stomach before he calms enough to speak. “Damn she has you down.”

Kat made a choking sound, took her glass of water and a big drink to wash it down, then shook her head as she swallowed. “Actually, it that was just me saying what I probably would have said in that situation.”

Her flush got deeper at the admission and my smile at her. I could _so_ see that would be something she would say all sarcastically, but I would have probably followed it up with some kind of punishment.

“Well, he isn’t wrong. That is definitely something I would have said. I also would have assigned a disciplinary action in addition to that.” I say then take a drink of my coffee.

“Funny enough, I might have mentioned that you did just that. Kat is now to report to every morning at 0500 am in the Dauntless-born training room so that you can ‘prevent incidents of idiocy and the paperwork that would cause’.” Chase says with a smug smirk in my direction.

I can’t help but feel extreme relief that Chase has now taken a valid event that happened and was can be proven, and gives us the excuse to be together every morning. No one is going to think this is out of the ordinary for me. I’m sure there are plenty of people that are going to be pissed off or find a reason to gripe at me for the severity of the punishment, but I don’t care.

I do care how Kat feels though and that sudden worry and thought makes me look at her. She just smiles and gives a lift of her shoulder beside me. I can feel her arm brush against mine with the action, I’m that close to her.

We are all sitting in the same seats we gathered around the table the last breakfast we had together. The difference for me is that I couldn’t let there be any space between us, it just wasn’t possible. I need to be close too bad.

The other change was the life that has been breathed into all three of us. In such a short amount of time, I can see this visible difference in my brothers too. A life that I thought was missing in just me, but I can see her presence is bringing that back to them too.

I smiled back at her and nodded as I drained my cup of coffee. It’s time to get the day truly started but I’m already counting down to lunch. This time I’m determined not to screw things up and ruin the chances that I can spend it with Kat even if it means being with her friends as well.


	15. Shaky Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat recovers from the morning encounter with Eric, but without some drama and worry. How will her injuries affect her fight? How will the sisters be matched with? Will the extra day and training make a difference?

**Disclaimer: I own naught but my own plot and the cherry bombs I toss within.**

 

* * *

 

**Chapter 14 - Shaky Beginnings**

** _Kat_ **

"If you insist on getting these stitches, then I'm going to insist that you be sat out from fights." Shauna has her arms crossed over her chest and her mouth puckered in disapproval as she glares at me.

Lynn and her older sister definitely share a lot of traits and features, this piercing and intimidating glare is one of them. I also know that isn't an idle threat, and she will totally back it with actions.

"And I'll second it," Chase adds in causing my scowl to deepen.

I can tell these two are already upset that I refused anything for pain, but that's mainly because I know it won't wear off completely by the time I'm set to fight and I want to be at my best for that.

Now I'm being told there's a chance I won't even be able to fight at all, and all because of stupid carelessness on my part.

"I can't fight today?" I whisper, shocked and frustrated.

"Not if you get stitches."

I shake my head confused.

"But I  _need_  the stitches, so I'm going to be sat out no matter what," I state angrily and huffing at the end.

"Kat, we've been trying to tell you that with the serum you heal faster and will be able to go right on as if this didn't happen. I just don't understand why you are refusing to let me use them."

I bite my lip and think back to my mumbled rejection of it. I guess in being distracted from everything that happened this morning, and the mortification at my own stupidity, I just reverted back to my Abnegation programmed responses.

"They weren't available to use often, or at all really before I transferred. I was always told that the serums aren't to be used frivolously. " I answer honestly and with a shrug.

Shauna nods in understanding while Chase looks torn between that and being angry.

"Well, you did transfer, and this isn't Abnegation. I hate to say it, but there's no real reason for them to reject using serums that are available to all factions besides their own self-imposed restrictions. Shauna will be using a very common and low-grade version of the serum, one that is used on lacerations here all the time. Between that and the liquid bandage to bind it closed, you should be good for today's fight."

"Yeah, there will be some soreness and it will feel a little strange at first, especially if you've never used the serums before. But I'll also put a thin gauze and tape wrapping over it for more protection. Since fights won't start until after lunch, that leaves the required number of hours for the serum to work and close the cuts."

Shauna and Chase both look at me, waiting for my decision but there isn't one to make here.

I have to fight. There is no other choice.

I give a nod hesitantly at first, then more firmly. "Do it."

Chase smiles at me, relief plain to see on his face while Shauna quickly spins away and moves to get things ready. I wonder, with how fast she's moving, if she's worried I'm going to change my mind.

I slump against the backrest of the reclined bed and stare up at the ceiling trying to contain the anger I'm feeling at myself for being in this situation.

_Not that I really regret the morning just some of the aftermath._

Shauna gets to work on me while Chase quietly sits beside me, maybe sensing I'm lost in thoughts or maybe he's lost in his own. But it's nice to have this time to think and center myself, to untangle how I'm feeling and thinking about Eric and my feelings towards him.

_He said he would like to be friends._

I can't describe how it made me feel to hear those words from him. I can't describe it because I don't really know what to feel about it.

Am I happy that he wants to be friends? Yes, I  _am_  absolutely happy that he does.

At the same time, I feel such fierce disappointment that it's not more for him because I know it is for me. Those feelings are at war inside of me. But I think the happiness, the desire to be around him in any way I possibly, is the winning one.

I still can't believe any of that happened, but the gashes on my arm are proof that it did.

At first, when I got to the clinic by myself and before Chase got here, I was in doubt and denial, as well as asking myself if I really wanted to let him back in after he hurt me, doubting that he was sincere in his apology.

Those thoughts were brief and even before Chase showed up I was already dismissing them.

I know that everyone in Dauntless sees Eric as unemotional, devoid of any kind of real feelings besides anger or hate, but that's not what I see. From the morning of that first breakfast together to every time Zach talked about Eric, to today in the training room with him myself; I see more.

Eric is careful and methodical. He plans and has the patience to see those plans through. He's quick to anger, that's very true, but from what I've seen that is also driven by passion.

I may not know what drives him, what fuels any of that, but I do see it.

He's also very loyal and while he might not let many people in, those that he does let in, he's very protective of them.

In a way, I see...a bit of myself...in Eric.

I also see more, and it's that which leaves me knowing that as much as the whisper in the back of my mind is warning me not to let him in, even more, I know I will.

* * *

The walk to the training room is spent worrying now that the chaos of the morning has settled. I'm a little grateful for the fact that we already established how we walk together, it takes the pressure off me as I just fall into that and let my mind go over how I'm going to handle my friends and the others.

I'm a horrible liar. Something I discovered very early on in my life. Especially if it's me trying to lie to someone I'm close too or care for. I don't know if I just feel so guilty for lying or it's that the person knows me so well so they can pick up on when I'm lying; the result is that I've had to adapt over the years. Especially these last few years.

The best method I've found is to lie in the most honest way I can or to mentally tell the whole truth while only giving a bit of it vocally.

I know I need to come up with something for how I got hurt and why Eric was there. Something that had the truth mixed into it but would allow me a little wiggle room. So, I took a page out of the Pedrad playbook of storytelling. I made it  _so_  over the top that only those people that really know me would be able to work out what's the truth and what's not. Basically, it would be my three Dauntless-born friends, and possibly my sister, that would know that isn't what happened.

I'm not sure what Four will believe. There is one thing I know for sure, though.

There is  _no way_  word hasn't reached Four about what happened, not with Shauna being his best friend, Zeke's, girlfriend. I'm actually surprised he didn't already come to hunt me down. I knew before Eric confessed to me about his and Four's issues, that even the mention of Eric's name would be enough to put my old friend on high alert.

I've been trying muster up guilt for what I'm doing, what  _we_  are doing. I should feel bad that this has all been so...sneaky...but I don't. I can't make myself feel guilty about this no matter how much I try.

The only feelings I'm capable of feeling right now are mostly centered around Eric and how he makes me feel. It's not all about just Eric though, but also how I feel knowing I'm for some reason being counted a part of a very limited circle with those three guys.

With Chase and Zach, I've felt a connection to them that, just grew, after that morning I told them more about my past than any other person I know. Not even the incident with Eric had been able to dampen that. I almost think it made it stronger for me because they were my link to him, so I actually sought them out rather than turned away.

And Eric?

The entire morning I've been bouncing between feelings at the thought of him.

Embarrassment at my behavior and thoughts has been the primary one. A deepening pleasure at the connection and now the knowledge that Eric feels some of the same with me. Then there is the this deep and growing burning, the likes I have never felt before, that he causes in me with the barest of looks or touches.

Not to mention the touching itself.

I know being from Abnegation I'm unused to some aspects of common physical displays of affection. But growing up Tris and I always hugged and held hands. Our parents weren't exactly cold in that regard either. Our mom was always there with a comforting hug or embrace. But that was always behind closed doors and not so much done in the public eye. Then after meeting my friends, other aspects of casual touch were introduced to me and much more openly.

Mar is a hugger and loves to cuddle with anyone willing to let her do it. Uri is just as bad about always wanting to hug or grab us. Lynn isn't much for hugging or holding hands herself, but she tolerates it from us to a point.

Since getting here, I've become used to all of that coming from my friends, sister and even on Zach and Chase on occasion. I've also gotten sort of used to seeing much more than just simple hugs or touches from those around me in Dauntless, but that's a completely different subject.

But with Eric….

I've found that a simple touch from Eric is like nothing I've experienced before and I also found myself craving more of it. That's only getting stronger. It's so bad that just walking beside him right now has my skin tingling and making me wish that I could just reach out and let my hand mesh with his again. Like it felt like it has been all morning since I got back from the clinic.

The training room looms up ahead with the doors closed but I can already hear the muffled sounds from the other side of it. Eric steps up and grabs a handle, glancing back at me, then motions me forward when he pulls it open.

It's as I step over the threshold that I feel his fingers graze against the hands I have clasped behind my back but I don't have time to respond or react.

"Kat, what the hell did you do to yourself?" Tris hisses out from where she seemed to have been waiting for me.

I wasn't even three steps into the huge room but it looks like more than just my sister welcome committee.

"I heard you tried to off yourself, stiff. Obviously, you failed." Peter drawls from not that far away from the other side of the door.

And Four, he doesn't say anything...he just glares daggers in Eric's direction as the man walks casually into the training room and immediately starts calling everyone together to get the day started.

I'm relieved that we start our training immediately.

The first portion of the group training will be split between running and weapons. The run will be outside of the compound. I'm loving the fresh air and change of scenery. It put me in such a good mood that even Peter's taunts and glares he kept sending my way couldn't ruin it.

There was a moment during the run when Tris asked me what happened, that I lost that good feeling and worried but I told her the same thing I told Shauna. In the same manner even. I don't know whether Tris really believed me or not.

She hadn't seen me work with knives like Lynn, Mar and Uri have, so she wouldn't be aware of how I am with them. She's not aware of the fact that I don't like to be careless with them after the incident with the factionless. She doesn't know that for a while, I had a fear of them and it was something I made myself get over until now working with them seems as natural as breathing.

If she suspected I was lying she kept it to herself. The thing she seemed to be most concerned with, is if and how I'm going to be able to fight, and how much pain I'm in. The last one was actually what she looked worried about the most. She was just as amazed and grateful as I had been when I told her about the serum they gave me. She also agreed that there hadn't been any other choice after I confessed I felt guilty about not getting the stitches instead.

I told her what Shauna told me. That I'm still going to have the soreness and pain for at least a few days.

But what I couldn't tell her and left out is that I can already tell that this pain is nothing compared to the pain I suffered before. It's nothing to the beatings I've gotten over the years that no one knows about.

It's nothing compared to the pain of crushing guilt that seems to be my constant companion since that day the factionless attacked me and my sister.

So while I know I'm going to hurt, I also know I'm going to live.

* * *

"Today, you'll be working with handguns. Most Dauntless are issued two weapons when out on patrols and you will need to be familiar with both of them. While the rifle you've worked with in the past seems like it would be the harder of the two, accuracy with the handgun can be very tricky. So pay attention to what I'm about to show you. I'll only show you once." Four calls out as he walks up and down the line behind us.

We are all at firing stations spaced out along one wall of a smaller room but still located in the transfers training section. There are targets that are on a motorized line that will be moved further back as our accuracy improves. Just like with the rifles, I learned, later on, we all start at a certain distance away but by the end of training we are all expected to reach a certain percentage of accuracy for all the distances combined.

It will be part of a final test so weapons will be something we continue to work through during all the stages.

Because of our past performance with the rifles, Eric suggested that me, Edward and Peter all have our targets moved back to the next level. That also means that we are grouped together. Luckily, I got a station with a wall to one side and with Edward on my right while Peter was put on his other side.

I briefly wondered if Eric did this on purpose considering how Peter's been all morning.

I took the gun in my hands and started doing some of the same muscle memory exercises before we were given the order to start firing. Most everyone else is still working on assembling and taking apart the gun. Although I see from the corner of my eye that my sister already moved on from that stage as well, and is watching me like said she would be during the run.

Once Four gave the go ahead, I felt prepared enough to start firing but like Four told us, the smaller guns are no less powerful than the rifles even if they are smaller. It takes a few adjustments, and a bit of trial and error, before I feel like I've got the hang of it. I also have to put all of my concentration into how I'm doing, so I completely block out anything going on around me.

"Not bad," Edward's voice beside me pulls me out of my zone, and I look over to see him smirking at me. "Not the best here, but damn close."

I blush and shrug at the compliment. I'm not bad with the firearms but I'm definitely not the best like he says. That's him, hands down, but I seem to be pretty close behind him.

I heard Chase say to Lauren once at lunch that we might even be on the same level as the Dauntless-born too, which is why Four agreed to the change in target distance for us.

"Maybe. Can you be considered the best if you're in a group of average though?" I reply with a taunting smirk that makes him laugh loudly for a second then shakes his head with a smile and goes to turn back to his target. "By the way, just for that, I'm going to be sure to give you a run for your money."

He laughs in agreement then goes back to firing again.

"To be fair, I've had a bunch more practice before coming here. My father worked in the ammunitions labs and I had free reign to go in and practice." He informs me while we are both reloading our clips of ammunition.

"How nice for you. Now, if you two are done," Eric coldly drawls out directly behind Edward, "How about you cut out the chatter and stick to the activity at hand. We are watching and ranking you on this after all."

Edward tensed up as soon as he realized Eric was behind him. He didn't turn to look at Eric, just gave a curt nod of his head and a mumbled "Yes, Sir," before he followed the order.

I watched Eric smirk slightly as he watched Edward do all of this, then he turns to face me with the smirk still in place.

He doesn't repeat the order for me, he just raises his eyebrow and inclines his head towards the target. As soon as I get a shot off, after quickly turning back to my target, I feel him move away from me.

I try to lose myself in the activity instead of wondering if the jealous tone I heard in Eric's voice was real or not. I'm pretty sure I'm reading into things again, and that just makes me angry at myself; because sooner or later it's going to make me mess things up.

I can't even begin to think that there is anything on Eric's side other than what he himself said he wants, us to be friends.

I don't realize that I let out a sigh even as I fire. It had to come off as me being bored to the observer I didn't realize I had as well.

"I'm sorry, is the training we have you doing boring you, Kat? Not up to your standards?" Four says from behind me.

It might have been Four speaking but the tone and way he worded them were exactly what I would expect from Eric. I looked over my shoulder to confirm that it is him there and see him wearing a slight sneer on his face.

I shake my head and turn my face away from him quickly, hoping he didn't see the scowl. "No, Sir," I answer, battling to keep the sarcasm out of my tone.

"Careful, Initiate," Four hissed out before I heard him let out a low breath.

_Clearly, I failed._

"You're drawing the wrong kind of attention here and have a disciplinary action with the absolute worst person it is possible to have one with. I can't even fight it, Kat. I can't protect you at all if you keep doing things like that."

His words hit a nerve that always seems to be raw when it comes to the two of us, making me snap. I click the safety on the gun before putting it on the table and then spinning to face him. I feel like there should be steam coming from my ears, I feel so angry at him, and I don't bother to keep that from my eyes as they lock on him.

Him putting Eric down is the straw that snapped the restraint I've had so far, and I can't help needing to unload on him.

"I don't want you to fight it. I deserved what I got and I will serve the punishments given.  _I_  don't run away from things, but especially when it's something I've brought on myself by my actions. I don't need your brand of protection,  _Four_."

Four paled a little while flinching at my words before he quickly recovered. We both caught movement from the side of us and I turn my head a little at the same time he does to see Eric walking towards us.

Four's expression darkens when he sees that Eric is fully intending on interfering, from his point of view that is, with another of our arguments. He turns back to me and the hurt look he had before Eric started to approach is gone but I hear it in his tone when he speaks again.

"After dinner, you will be in the training room where we will talk more about your...insubordination...initiate." He grinds out loudly enough for the others to hear and then moves away quickly.

Eric is a few feet away by this time and watching Four walks away with his jaw clenched tightly before his head snaps around to eye me. I don't wait to see if he is going to continue coming towards me or not but I shake my head slightly anyway before turning back to face my target quickly.

Guilt and shame mingle together for the low blow I just delivered my old friend, combining with the unresolved anger and hurt I carry around regarding him too.

I don't know why I convinced myself that I could come here and not end up in some kind of showdown with Four sooner or later, but I did and that is now coming back to haunt me. I know it will happen, but I'm in no way prepared for it.

Our former relationship is tied into a past that I'm not ready to face. So confronting Four will lead to something that I can't do right now. It'll have to wait so I can just survive initiation.

I get back to the task at hand but my head is not in the game at all. My focus is completely off track, making my hand a bit shakier than it should be. All of this reflects on my accuracy and it only gets worse the more frustrated with myself I get.

By the time we head to lunch, I am utterly miserable and disgusted with myself. It doesn't help one bit that I see the same disappointment in Eric's expression before he quickly and carefully made it look like a sneer, that I'm feeling about my performance.

I walk beside my sister and Christina, grateful for once for my sister's friends chatter as she complains about the activity and how difficult it was to hold the gun in position for so long and how sore she is. I even truthfully mutter my own agreement that my arm is sore too while mentally thinking it might be my pride that's worse off.

I hear my sister saying that we can only work through it and hope to get over our issues quickly. I completely agree with her, but my issue is entirely different.

It's clear that I let something distract me enough that it made me lose focus and hindered my ability. I can't let that happen again, so that will be the thing I will need to work through and quickly. I can't afford that to happen again during my fights.

_Speaking of fights…_

I realize as I walk into the dining hall beside my sister, that the board showing the matches for our fights after lunch was still blank when we passed it on the way out of the training room. Something I do not feel comfortable with at all.

Actually, uncomfortable isn't an accurate description of what I'm feeling right now. Dread is more fitting.

Something is going to happen. I just feel it. It's in the air, just like it was the morning before the factionless men came at me and my sister. I ignored it then but I learned the hard way not to ignore it again.

"Kat!" Uri shouts out, waving his arms from where he and the others are already sitting at what has become our normal table for meals. "Tris!" He continues to motion us forward and I look back over my shoulder at my sister as I start to walk in that direction.

She normally doesn't sit with us, even though I've said she is welcome to in the past. Whatever was holding her back from joining me and my friends makes her hesitate for the barest of seconds before she follows me too.

I can hear Lynn ordering some of the Dauntless-born to move out of the seats near them to make room for us. I grin at Tris as I set my tray down on the table and then plop into one of the now vacant spaces, seeing her blushing a little but smiling back.

"Told ya," Uri says in a sing-song voice from beside me.

"Well, shit!" Lynn exclaims as she slams her cup to the table and glares in Tris' direction. "You just cost me my cake,  _Trissy_."

We were both just getting settled into our seats and this made my sister freeze. I frown and look at Lynn, only to see that her glare isn't really at my sister but was first on Uri and then moved to follow the retreating back of Christina who is now heading to the regular transfer table.

"How could I possibly have done that?" Tris asks with her chin jutted out defensively until she sees Lynn's eyes moving back to her.

I can tell Lynn is about to tell her exactly what kind of bet she obviously made with Uri, and though it is good-natured, my sister isn't going to find it as amusing as they do when it's regarding her friend.

"Must be because you went with a cow instead of a foul." I reply with a smirk and kick Uri in the shin under the table to stop him from correcting me.

I know Lynn already got what my warning glance was about and she looks at my sister's plate her eyes going wide and the scowl is back as her eyes get wide. "Fuck! You really are screwing me over today. Now, I've lost my cake for tomorrow too."

I can't help it. I bust out laughing and shake my head. "You three didn't learn your lessons from making those ridiculous bets about me? You had to know it was going to work out for you about as well as it did then."

I can tell my sister is confused by this, so I enlighten her as we start lunch as the others that normally sit at the table have their own trays with today's lunch special.

I tell her how my friends have a habit of betting on anything and everything. The more ridiculous the bet, the better. The currency of these bets varies but when I came along they started making it things I could do if I lost the bet. Honestly, the favored currency between the three has always been their cake.

Today's bet, the one that Mar figured it was okay to tell my sister about, was whether or not she would pick something with beef in it for either lunch or dinner tonight.

Lynn said she wouldn't pick anything with beef at all since Tris has stuck to chicken since she got here. Mar said she would probably go with something with beef by dinner and Uri said lunch.

This was all after Lynn had pointedly ragged on my sister about her aversion to beef last night while we were training. Protein intake has always been one of the things my friend nagged me about and that was what she was doing last night to my sister.

Tris responded about how I would have. Her chin raised defensively and her eyes took on a stubborn look I know so well. Lynn didn't even know that Tris was taking that as a personal challenge. My sister and I are different in a lot of ways but in this, we are the same.

We both have a streak of pride a mile wide. It's going to get us in serious trouble one day.

Today, it backfired on my friend and cost her the precious cake they are all addicted to. I don't have the heart to tell them that I don't love it as much as they seem too.

"So yeah, thanks for the cake today, Trissy." He smirks and shovels a mouthful of food in, chews and frowns. "I doubt I'll be able to win like that again."

"You think?" Lynn grumbles moodily.

"Umm...you're welcome Uri." She replies with a laugh and then turns to Lynn and smirks a little. "And...sorry, Lynn?"

She doesn't sound sorry at all and it causes me to snort out a laugh as the other two join me while Lynn grins into her food, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, yeah." She grumbles playfully. "So how was training this morning? Find out who you are two are going against?"

Zach and Chase slide into seats near us and are quickly followed by Eric, much to the shock and displeasure of Tris. I feel her body go tense beside me and her emotions clear on her face for a second before she masks them.

I try not to frown at this as I give my greetings to Chase and Zach while Eric just juts his chin out in a nod when I make his a more respectful one.

Tris smiles tightly but doesn't look in their direction.

Lynn clears her throat a little bringing me back to her questions.

"The board didn't have the matches up before we came to lunch," I grumble out frustrated, completely skipping over the other question she had because there is  _no way_  I can lie and say it went well this morning.

Lynn lets it slide as Mar smiles at us warmly. "It'll be fine. Tris did really good against Lynn last night."

The others nod while Tris is very non-committal and I bump my elbow into hers. She turns her head to me and I see the worry and nerves she's trying to hold in.

"She'll be fine, you both will." Chase verbally adds in his own agreement and I turn my head to look down at him. He nods and gives me a small wink. "Just remember you can't hesitate to go for the opening when you see it. No questioning your instincts. Just go for it."

Tris nods thoughtfully and pushes her food around on her plate while I do something similar as I start running through everything I know about fights during initiation.

My three friends all gave me information about what they know about the general outline initiation follows for both the Dauntless-born and transfers. Both groups will go through the same three stages. The first stage they have almost always kept transfers separate from the Dauntless-born. The exception was Zeke and Shauna's year when there were so few transfers that they just combined the groups. Lynn and Uri gave me as much information about the stages of initiation as they were able to get from their older brother and sister.

I know that the stage we are in now starts out with what Lynn called the 'building blocks' of life as a Dauntless. Getting us in shape, teaching us how the basics of the weapons commonly used in Dauntless, and hand to hand combat.

It's supposed to be physical, at least that's what the little speech Four gave us said this stage will be focusing on. but Lynn said that's pretty much bullshit and she thinks they are looking emotional and mental too. They just don't put as much emphasis on those when scoring.

The scoring is what none of them really have specifics on. As far as Lynn can tell from the details she's been able to get from Shauna, in the past, the matches are set on a progression of skill. Early on they match up people close to their skill level in the fighting. Then as training goes on and we get more time and experience under our belts, they start to throw us into matches against people that would be considered a tougher pairing.

My pairing with Myra sort of supports that, but I honestly think that was all Four letting his own feelings get in the way of who he should have paired us with. He could do the same thing or he could realize what he did and try and compensate with harder matches.

I sigh as I use my fork to play with the wilted salad in its bowl. It's tough to predict what he will do, especially now that Eric is back.

Then there is Eric.

Lynn told me he's known for pairing up the weakest person with the strongest early on, and not just with transfers. Dauntless-born aren't spared from that either.

But if they go by the information we've been able to get….

If Tris is put against Myra, Allison, or Sally; I know she'll easily win. Al would have been one of the ones I worried about until I saw his performance yesterday and heard him saying that he was going to refuse to fight against his friends, that he didn't see the point. As much as it disgusts me, in Tris' case, I can feel a little relief that I know she could take him out easily as long as she doesn't have issues going against either of her friends.

That would be the only reason I worry about her being paired off against Christina. She will be harder for my sister, but only because I'm unsure how Tris will handle being put against her friend.

If she can set aside their friendship, then yeah, Tris can easily handle her too.

That leaves Drew, Will, Peter, and Edward.

Out of the four of them, I can honestly see us being put against Drew and Will today over Edward and Peter.

From what I saw in his fight yesterday, Will isn't bad, just lacking confidence and the drive to really do damage. In the sparring I've seen from Drew, he doesn't really have as much skill as any of the other guys, but he is mean and nasty. He completely has the drive to hurt someone that Will lacks.

Peter is quiet during sparring. He's much more serious than I would have thought and much more skilled than I'm comfortable with him being. I haven't seen him go out of his way to try and hurt someone during sparring, in fact, he almost seems to be holding back at times, which is disturbing to me. But I have no doubt that if he is given a chance too he won't hesitate to inflict pain.

Edward is hands down the one with the most skills of our group. I heard Will say he has been reading books about martial arts and physical combat since he was ten and in his words 'for fun'. I can see when we work out and spar or go through our forms that he has skill, power, and control all behind him. I have a feeling that in a lot of respects he's like me; he's read more than he's actually been able to physically do.

Thinking about everyone and who we might be paired against has me so wrapped up I am completely lost in my own world while conversation kept going on around me. I don't know what actually brings me around out of that, but when I do it's to a serious discussion going on between Zeke, Chase, Zach, Lynn and my sister.

Apparently, Tris relayed Al's complaint about having us all beat the shit out of each other when we are supposed to in the same faction and becoming each other's new family. Her displeasure and distress about this is obvious.

"You can't look at it like that, Tris," Zeke says sternly to her, for once the smile is nowhere to be seen. "It isn't that we want you to unnecessarily beat the shit out of each other. Fights are about several things. The obvious thing is that it's firstly about teaching you those skills. Guns can fail and you might not always have a weapon available when something goes down. When that happens all you will have to rely on will be those skills. So, this is to prepare you for that."

"But it's also to test us, right? I get that." She snaps back with that question. "I just don't see why that test has to go until the other person is beaten unconscious. Especially when it's not an enemy, but a friend."

I can see Eric and Lynn being clearly frustrated with the way the conversation is going but I also see what her issue is. It is exactly what I worried about with her, how she is going to handle facing off against friends. I feel, deep down, the same way. But the difference is I remember something all to well that helped me to look at at this another way.

"Tris, do you remember what happened with Alastair?" I break into the conversation and focus only on my sister at this point.

I hate bringing this up. It's part of a painful past I would rather forget, but at this moment it brings home something I didn't understand when it was happening.

She blanches and turns her head towards me. I'm sure she's surprised I'm bringing it up at all, especially in front of others. She nods with her lips thinned and looks around a little before looking back at me with a questioning look.

I know I'm breaking an unspoken rule here, talking about ' _the fallen'_ , but we aren't in Abnegation anymore, and this is a reality that needs to be faced.

"I would have said he was a friend at one time. He came to our house with his family for dinners with ours. We stood beside him for countless hours volunteering. He was supposed to be someone we looked at as family too before he left the faction."

I am speaking in low tones, meaning this to be just for her really, but it just makes it sound mournful as I keep going. She reaches out a hand and puts it over mine, squeezing a little. Maybe telling me to stop, but I can't. Despite the pain remembering this makes me feel, I need to say it out loud to her. We need to acknowledge that this did happen and might again.

"Even though we knew him leaving meant he was one of the factionless, I couldn't have imagined we would have ever had to protect ourselves from  _him_. But that's what happened, Tris. How often did we or someone we knew in our faction come across someone they knew among the factionless?"

Tris sighs and looks down as she nods. "Yeah,"

"Being Dauntless now, sis," I stop and sigh raggedly. "You can almost guarantee we are going to come face to face with someone we once knew. Maybe even someone we're in initiation with right now, if you just want to be brutally honest about it. It isn't a pretty thought, but it  _is_  a reality. One that can only hurt or endanger us and those around us if we don't admit to right now. We both know what can happen when you think a past friendship or familiar face will keep the other person from hurting you if they can. It wasn't just me that got hurt that day and it was because I refused to admit the truth."

Disappointment and guilt flood me and this time I can tell Tris is asking me to stop. To stop speaking and to stop feeling guilty for something neither of us really could have predicted. It wasn't that I feel guilty for not predicting it, but for my hesitation and letting my emotions get in the way.

"So, yeah it's a test. They need to know we'll be prepared to act when we need to. We found out the hard way what hesitating can do and that isn't something that can be understood until the other's experience it too."

"Sometimes the only way to learn a lesson is the hard way," Eric says, his voice almost booming in the silence our end of the table descended into as they all strained to hear what I was saying, and making me look his way. He has no expression on his face but his eyes are blue daggers as the lock onto mine. I don't know exactly what he's thinking other than he doesn't seem pleased with what he just heard. "There is no weakness in that." For a second, a split second, his eyes soften a little but then it's gone and he speaks again. "The only weakness is if you don't learn the lesson the first time and  _never_...let it happen again."

I may not know what he's thinking but I'm pretty sure that those last words were for me specifically. His eyes have an intensity that seems to be speaking to me all on their own. Communicating his absolute demand for me to never let it happen again.

"Yes, Sir." I agree softly with a small nod and watch as he gives a grunt and looks away from me to Chase who is sitting beside him, leaning in close and speaking to him in a hushed whisper.

Lunch resumes, with Uri cracking a joke while I watch Chase and Zach glance at me with a mixture of worry and anger in their eyes. Eric is replying to something Chase says and shakes his head in the slightest before looking at me for a second. That second is enough for me to know without a doubt that I'll be telling them more about that story at some point.

"So, I was thinking we could maybe take you two to check out the movie theatre after dinner," Uri says with a smile as he looks between me and Tris.

He and Mar have moved on to making plans for the night. They are on the positivity train and wanting to celebrate our winning our fights today. It was Lynn pointing out we probably weren't going to be in a partying mood that has Uri suggesting something tamer.

I'm about to agree when I remember what I have to face after dinner.

"You guys are going to have to count me out," I admit, blushing and wanting to avoid saying why, but knowing I can't. "I have to report to the training room."

"What the hell!" Lynn explodes and is eyeing me. "You aren't supposed to be serving punishments in the evenings, Kat." She tilts her head and glares at me. "Yes, Shauna told me all about this morning, so I know about the stunt you pulled. So what else have you gotten up to since then that would cause you to have to report to the training room?"

I see her eyeing Eric and her frown growing while I turn even more red from embarrassment.

"That would be because she decided it's okay to smart off at the mouth to me during weapons training." Four huffs out while sliding the empty space beside Zeke at the end of the table and casting an annoyed glare my way.

It doesn't take much for the anger I felt earlier to surge back up. I know he might want me to apologize for what I said but I also know I won't. I don't like that my words hurt him but it doesn't make them any less true.

I should just let it go and not say anything else, but I can't do that either. What I can do, as I clench my fists and try to calm my anger, is try to communicate my point better. So I make an attempt to say this once more and hope against fucking hope that I don't sound like I'm smarting off...again.

"Like I said...Sir...I don't run from or try to get out of paying for my actions or mistakes. I admit my responsibility and hopefully learn from it. Maybe even come out better for having done so. I admit that my tone was less than respectful." " I say and try to imitate Eric's emotionless tone.

_But I'm not freaking apologizing!_

The tension that was thick in the air between Eric and Four, even sitting nowhere near each other, lessens slightly but only because Four breaks the glare he was locked in with Eric and turns to look at me again.

My sister bristled beside me during my little speech letting me know I was definitely not successful in my effort to be less disrespectful this time around.

Four's lips are thinned as he gives me a small nod. "Good. Then I can expect you in the training room right after dinner, and you can expect to be doing a whole lot of running since you seem too fond of the word."

He grabs his tray tightly and lurches up then stalks out of the dining hall after tossing the full tray into the return area.

Tris watched him go while I alternated between watching them both. When she turns back to look at me, she's scowling with a look in her eyes I know all to well. A look that said she is about to lecture me or plans to later when we are alone.

I refrain from rolling my eyes or saying something that might hurt her as I turn to my tray. "Eat Tris," I order her without looking in her direction and pick up my fork. "We're going to need the energy for whatever the hell is coming our way next."

I grumble this out bitterly and shovel a bite of pasta in my mouth without paying attention to what it tastes like. I watch out the corner of my eye as Eric is hissing something to Chase and Zach, Lynn is watching me with narrowed eyes, and Tris is sulking but at least eating.

The second half of the day is not looking any better than my first and all I can do is hope that this hasn't all just been the prelude to the main event of an even bigger shit show.

 


	16. Never Hesitate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hits keep coming for Kat as she seems to dig herself deeper into trouble. The second half of the day reveals who the sisters will be facing in their fights. Will Kat's protectiveness of her sister make Tris' fight worse for her and who is she set to fight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own naught but my own plot and the cherry bombs I throw within

 

* * *

 

**Chapter 15 - Never Hesitate**

** _Kat_ **

I lingered at lunch for a lot longer than I would have liked. At first, it was because I had honestly lost my appetite and was basically forcing myself to eat, but the longer it took the more dread was building inside of me and that was making me sick to my stomach.

It didn't help that my stress levels kicked up when Will decided to brave joining our table and I didn't want to bail on him just when he came over. I've been trying to tell the transfers that it's good to try and mesh with the Dauntless-born and that if they tried maybe they wouldn't be treated as bad by them. It drew doubtful responses, but the most positive one I got was from Will.

So far he seems to be getting along with my friends. Chase and Zach even gave him a friendly welcome. Eric, well, he was being his normal stoney self but at least he wasn't outright nasty to him.

Unfortunately, where there's a Will...there's a Christina. She didn't follow him right over to the table. She must have needed a little while to work up the nerve to join us.

My friends aren't being unfriendly to either of them, Mar and Uri being the easy going people they are. Lynn is mostly remaining quiet but that's normal for her too when she is with people she doesn't really know. As for me, I'm still caught up in worry about the fights ahead for me and Tris, so I'm quiet as well.

Besides that, I really  _do_  want to give the transfers a chance. That's what I promised Tris last night after she spent time with my friends, that I try and do the same with hers. Especially after I came to the realization that part of my issue with Christina is a bit of jealousy and there is no way I want to be  _that_  girl.

Eric, Chase, and Zach made no such promises and were quick to leave. Chase with the excuse that he needed to get the next part of the day ready for the Dauntless-born, Zach that he needed to get some paperwork caught up. Eric didn't even bother making an excuse, he just got up with a grunt and stalked off. Of course, it was just a  _coincidence_ that all this happened about the same time that Christina started to complain about training and how Dauntless-born has unfair advantages.

I stuck around for as long as I could while Will tried to navigate the conversation to be more constructive and finding out more about training in general and the goals. I could see what he was doing was trying to take Christina's complaints and get answers for them that would help all the transfers understand why we're being put through different things than the Dauntless-born. It just didn't seem to be working, and I didn't have the patience at the moment to stick around.

"Well, I think my food is starting to sit in my stomach like lead so I'm out. I think I'm going to head to the training room and see who my next victim is." I stand with my tray and a cheeky grin, hopefully sporting confidence I am so not feeling right now.

"I'll walk with 'ya," Lynn says as she stands up with a shrug. "Seeing as I don't get my cake for the day and I lost the stomach to eat it anyway." She grumbles with a glare at Christina, who remains oblivious to it.

"I'll see you in there soon," Tris gives me a strained smile and nod.

Lynn and I walk away together to put up our trays and then leave the dining hall with her quietly grumbling about the loss of her cake and putting up with annoying Candor's. Once she got that out of her system it went to mostly comfortable silence while we worked out way out of the pit area. I almost forgot about this morning until Lynn brought it up.

"So, you were trying to imitate Wolverine, huh?" Lynn asks from beside me with a knowing raise of her eyebrow.

"I got careless and now I'm paying for it," I shrug and answer her truthfully.

She doesn't respond to that for several long seconds as we keep on walking, but I feel her eyes on me the entire time.

"You don't get careless with weapons but especially with knives, Kat. It was the first thing I noticed about you when we started training. You don't horse around or play with them. They are serious business for you and always have been. So that story, the ' _look at me I'm Wolverine'_ , bullshit doesn't work with me. So tell me what really happened. Did he do anything to you? Maybe something that made you get careless or even…"

I stop abruptly and spin to face her, frustration and anger warring in me. "No, he didn't  _do_  anything to me, Lynn." I snap at her, not quite shouting but close to it.

She narrows her eyes and looks around before pulling me with her over to the side and in an out of the way place. She crosses her arms over her chest and gives me a look that clearly means she wants me to continue.

"I really did get careless. I had a blonde moment and forgot about the knives in my hand for a second, but it was enough."

Something flashes in her eyes for a second but it's gone before I can determine what it might be and then it's all anger. "So he's punishing you for something he caused? Don't try and deny it, Kat Prior. I've seen the way you've been reacting around him."

I want to deny it even if I know it's pointless. But what can I tell her? The truth? That I think it's our excuse for us to be able to be together during my morning training? No one actually said that's what is happening and it also implies something more than just the friendship he said he wants. All of this is just making my head spin with confusion and I know I need to talk about it with someone at some point. It would be either Lynn or Mar anyway, with Lynn being the better choice since I know she can keep this a secret.

"He's not punishing me, Lynn."

"Explain then." She demands of me without raising her voice.

I take a breath then explain to her what really happened this morning, but that meant I had to tell her a bit about what happened the last time I saw Eric, minus the details about me and Four. In the end, I just told her that he had a confrontation with Four while I was still there and snapped at me because of it.

That this morning he apologized to me. After she picked her jaw up off the ground after that part of the story quickly finished telling her what the end result of the conversation between us was, minus my belief that he was about to kiss me because this was all embarrassing enough.

"So, we're friends, I guess or becoming friends, but that isn't going to go over very well or look good to the others. Since I train in the mornings anyway…." I trail off and suck my bottom lip between my teeth and shift nervously as I wait for my friend to process everything I've told her.

"Then he can be there and it won't look like anything other than you serving your punishment for your disciplinary action." She automatically finishes my sentence for me and runs a hand over her shaved head and sighs wearily. "Of all the men in this faction it could have been, it had to be  _him_  that finally caught your attention, Kat."

I don't know how to take that and feel myself bristling a little before I see her shoulders are shaking with silent laughter.

"What? What's so damn funny?" I demand with a pop of my hip and my hand on it.

She's full-on laughing now and not even being quiet about it. She even has a small tear in the corner of one eye that she reaches up and wipes away. "It's just, Mar predicted this one night when she was talking about guys she could set you up with. Uri kept denying her picks and using the excuse that they wouldn't be able to keep up with you. Mar snapped at him because she knew he was just being protective and wasn't going to be happy with any guy you date. She said it would serve him right if Eric was one that you ended up with. Then later she admitted to me she was actually being serious about that. She could see Eric falling for you."

I struggle to calm the flip-flopping in my stomach and shake my head in denial. "It isn't like that for him, Lynn. I know there's no use denying that I feel...something...for him, but it won't be the same for him."

Lynn studies me, a smile spreading across her face but she doesn't say anything more at first. She just takes my arm, link hers through it and pulls us to continue on. As we pass the Dauntless-born training room and go to the long corridor that will lead to my training room she slows our walk.

"If it does become something more, you need to know it will make you even more of a target, Kat. You've heard everything we've told you about him and the rumors. It won't be pretty and I just need you to be prepared to handle that. But also know, that I've got your back whatever you decide."

By the time we get to the door for the training room, I still have responded to her warning. It isn't like I don't already know them all and have heard it from all kinds of sources.

Four and those times when I've come across him. He's always got a thing or two to say about his rival and nothing is ever nice.

My parents have mentioned him before, my dad especially when I was allowed to go to council meetings with him. Max and Eric were not names mentioned with any kind of kindness in our house.

In Abnegation there were whispers of his cruelty in dealing with incidents involving the factionless. How ruthless he is and how unforgiving.

Even my mentor warned me about him. But his warning was more along the lines of show him real respect and try not to get into too much trouble then I should be fine around him.

I can't lie and say that I don't see what everyone has hinted at or outright said about him. I can see it lurking under the surface but I also see that some of it is an act or a mask of sorts. I'm not naive to think it's all just an act though. He wouldn't hold the position he does or has the reputation he has if there weren't actions and incidents to back all of that up.

I can't lie and say that it's that side of him, as well as the other side he's allowing me to be part of, combined together that draws me to him. It brings something out in me that I can't even begin to explain. It almost feels like, when he's near, that part of me is coming to life with him.

"I don't think I'll have to worry about that, Lynn."

Even if I know I will spend nights dreaming about it being more, I know it won't be.

Can't be.

"Well, you better get inside. Don't want to be late and end up getting another punishment." Lynn says with a shrug and smirk. "Kick ass today girl."

After a not so soft and friendly punch to my shoulder, she moves away with a laugh so I can't retaliate and am left only able to scowl at her back. She breaks into a jog and throws a hand up in a wave and disappears, leaving me alone and rubbing my shoulder.

I take a breath and open the doorway to hell.

* * *

"Oh no," Someone squeaks from beside me, breaking me from my thoughts and disbelief as I stood staring at the board with all of our names and pairings for the fights today. "Are they serious? They're really going to make you fight  _him_?"

I don't need to turn to see that the questions and disbelief is coming from Christina and not directed to me, but I do anyway because I know my sister is with her and I need to see how she's reacting to what we all have just discovered.

She looks exactly how I must have looked for the last ten minutes as I stood here in disbelief at what I saw up on the board. I caught the tail end of Four moving away from it and had hurried forward, not even noticing at first how he refused to look my way and hadn't even said a word to me despite us being the only ones in the room at that moment.

I know he wrote the names, it's his handwriting up there. But was he the one to make the matches this time or did Eric make them now that he's back? I wouldn't put it past Eric, but something tells me this is Four and his attempt to compensate for the blatant favoritism he showed for our last matches.

I mean, I knew that Four might go in the opposite direction and throw one or both of us a harder match. I already had my suspicions on who the person would be, but to be honest I expected it to be  _me_  that would be put up against Peter, not Tris.

That's right.

Peter. Fucking. Hayes.

That's who Tris has her first match against.

I hear more frantic whispering between Al and Christina with Will keeping silent but looking worriedly between me and Tris. My focus mainly remains on my sister.

I see her complexion is pale and she is worrying her bottom lip. More importantly, I see that her chin is jutted out and I know what that means. In an instant, I see that determination and courage she was building up deflate at the words of her two bickering friends.

Al shuffles nervously beside her, then lays a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe you can just take a few hits and pretend to go unconscious." He suggests meekly. "No one would blame you."

_Oh hell no!_

I scream this mentally at the same time as Tris' posture deflates and her cheeks flush. "Yeah," She intones flatly, "Maybe."

"Hell no, Tris." I spin towards the other two and glare at them, causing Al to flinch and let his hand drop from my sister's shoulder. "My sister is not weak and willing to just give up. You might be perfectly fine with throwing away your spot here by half-assing everything but she won't. Only fucking cowards would do that." I huff out a parting shot while looking directly at Al as I pull Tris away from them and over to the side.

We pass others and I know they are all watching us, probably having overheard the entire conversation but I don't care.

I'm stomping further away when Tris pulls me up short and turn slowly, bracing for a lecture or something like that, only to be surprised when she throws her arms around me and pulls me into a fierce hug. I only hesitate a second before I wrap my arms around her as well.

Her breathing is ragged and I'm sure she's fighting tears but we don't pull away for me to check. "Thank you," She whispers raggedly

I tighten my arms around her, squeezing slightly. "You don't have to thank me for believing in you, Tris. You've always been strong and are only going to get stronger."

"Wish I could believe that. Even with the help from last night, I don't think I have a chance of winning." She mumbled before pulling back.

I have to choose my words carefully here because I don't want to chance to discourage her, but I have to say this anyway. "Tris, I want to be honest with you. There is a very real chance you might not win. That you might get hurt in this fight, but that is the same for  _any_  of us every time we're fighting."

I pause and look at her before continuing on and see her nodding slowly.

"I know that it might seem like I'm all confident in my abilities and skills but the truth is that most of that is just an act. Because I refuse to let the others think I'm going to back down an inch just because they might be bigger and stronger than me. They might have all of that going for them, but we have something that is just as powerful, Tris. There's this saying I found once and I repeat it over and over to myself to help me focus, but especially when I am at my lowest. ' _Strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will'_. You are stronger than you think. You can and will do this."

Tris inhales deeply and slowly, releasing it just as slowly before she gives me a firm nod. "I'm assuming you have some advice for me?"

I nod at her and frown a little. Already knowing she isn't going to like where my thoughts are going when I don't really like them myself. "Do you remember what Chase pointed out to us last night? Things to look for when you're fighting and why it's important to try to remain observant."

"He said to look for any weakness your opponent might have and to use it against them if possible."

"Right." I nod and look over to where Peter is standing near his friends while they are both smirking over in our direction. He has no expression right now as he listens to whatever they're saying. "Do you remember what I suspected about him?"

I look back at her to see her face scrunched up in thought before I see it dawn on her.

"You want me to…."

"Yes," I answer firmly, interrupting her drawn out question. "Never hesitate, remember? Do you really think if it were reversed he would hesitate to take a shot at whatever your weakness is? That he won't be looking to do just that today?"

I can see the answer before she vocalizes it. "No, he wouldn't hesitate at all." She takes another fortifying breath and shakes her head as she releases it. "Doesn't that make me just as bad as him though?"

I try to keep the disbelief and disappointment from my face but fail. So I wait a few seconds to calm down before answering. "If you were going to do it just to hurt him or to be cruel then, yeah, maybe. But you wouldn't be doing it for either of those reasons. We are being trained to look for weaknesses and use them against an enemy and this would be showing that skill. This is what soldiers do, Tris."

She sighs heavily. "I know. I know this...I just...I don't like it, Kat. It just seems this whole thing is so….cruel." She looks down at her hands and shakes her head. "But we didn't join Amity and we aren't Abnegation anymore. We never were. I get what you're saying. We are Dauntless and we can't afford to not be this way."

"You don't have to go for that first thing though. In fact, it would be better if you didn't. Fight and really give it your everything. Like I told Myra before our fight, I think they look for us showing them we don't intend to give up. That we are putting everything into it. But when you see the chance or if you know you're in trouble, do it. Like back on the roof and what you were telling Christina. Don't think, just do it."

She gives me a firm nod of agreement and I smile at her, relief and pride filling me.

Not so long ago it seemed like all traces of the big sister I had always looked up to and admired was fading fast. I blame that all on the elders that focused all of their efforts on the eldest dependents. We were all forced to spend hours listening to sermons where they went on and on about the Abnegation core beliefs, but for any oldest child and especially those that were coming up on their choosing, they seemed bent on brainwashing the lot of us into obedience.

It seems like everyone is now in the training room and I glance over to see that both Four and Eric are standing beside the board now. I hadn't even noticed him coming into the room, I was that absorbed with talking to my sister. We clasp hands and make our way to join the others that are now all huddled together waiting to be told what to do.

As we get nearer to where Eric is standing, I chance a glance at him. His face is blank but his eyes are ice as they flick between the board and Four until they lock onto me when I pass. They soften, only in the slightest and probably no one else notices, but I do. And it feels to me like he's also trying to tell me something with that.

Maybe that he didn't do this?

I give him a small nod and my lips quirk up at the sides in a smile before we both look away with me looking back at the board.

Earlier my own match had barely registered for me. Even now I can hardly concentrate on the fact that I'll be facing Drew. I know I should because he will by no means be as easy as Myra was for me. While he isn't the strongest of fighters skill wise, Drew is physically strong and has only gained strength with the workouts we've all been doing for the past two weeks. But my fight with Drew is one of the last ones while Tris' match against Peter will just before mine. So, all I can do is stew and worry about her while I know she is just as worried about mine.

_At least we'll be suffering together._

"Did you see who I'm going against?" Christina whines in a hushed whisper once we join the group again. "The Tank."

Tris and I both wrinkle our noses in confusion, making us look even more like the twins most people confuse us for at times, while we search the board for Christina's name. What we find is the name, Molly.

I can't help the snort that leaves me when I realize that must be what others are calling Molly behind her back.

_Though 'Tank' is an apt description for her, I think the Dauntless-born named Tank would take offense at her being given his name._

Tris and Christina get into a discussion about Peter, Molly, and Drew and why Christina came into Dauntless hating them just as much as they seem to hate her too. I listen half-heartedly and wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut or give her the advice I would have given my sister if she was matched up against Molly today like I originally thought she would be.

For a moment, I almost don't when I remember the pitying looks she and Al had given my sister when they saw she was going to be fighting Peter. I almost want to throw Al's words back in her face and encourage her to give up like a coward. Just like they wanted my sister too.

I glance at my sister and see the concern she has for her friend. I sigh and resign myself not to give into pettiness and try to be better.

"Christina, Molly might be strong and built like a tank, as you say, but she is also slower because of her size. Use your size to your advantage. You might be tall but you are also slim and fast. Don't forget she's hot-headed and you can use that to your advantage too by getting her to drop her guard or make a mistake."

Tris gives me a small grateful smile while Christina just looks at me blankly for a few seconds before she mumbles something that might be thanks. It doesn't leave me with the feeling that she's going to take my advice at all.

_She likely believes I'm trying to trick her in some way to make her lose._

I shrug it off and figure I at least tried, then turn my attention to Four and Eric as they call everyone to the front so the day can start.

"Listen up! You can all see who you're matched to for your fights here on the board if you haven't noticed. I suggest that you all take a good look and start preparing now. This will be the second round of fights and by now you should have picked up what we've been teaching you. It's expected that you learn and adapt quickly to what we're teaching you; to think, react and move just as quickly as well. That will be something we look for in your fights, as well as any other training you undergo."

Eric's tone goes on in a bored drawl as his eyes move over all of us. At the end of his speech, he seems to concentrate on Al as they narrow and turn harder.

"It's come to my attention that there are a few of you who are having issues understanding the purpose of fights and when a fight is supposed to end.  _Some_  of you are under the impression that it's okay to just...give up." He sneers while looking directly at Al, making it clear who he's meaning before he shifts his gaze to roam over the rest of us right now, pausing to gauge everyone else's reaction. "Dauntless do  _not_  give up. There should and will be, no question of this. Giving up is a cowardly act and we do not tolerate acts of cowardice. If anyone here feels like this is an issue for them, feel free to head to the gate right now. Save me the trouble of kicking you to it later on for wasting my time. This is the only warning I'll give you. Am I understood?"

"Sir, yes, Sir," Our group answers back, some are a little lagging in their response and some more forceful in their response than the others. When the last person got their muttered reply back, an awkward silence descends until Four clears his throat and calls for us to start our warm-up routines.

"Initiate," Eric drawls from behind me, stopping me from moving away with the others.

I turn to face him and then move behind him after he motions with his head for me to follow him. We don't move too far away from the others, only just far enough that we won't be heard before he turns back to face me.

He's facing the group and not looking at me when I approach him, his arms are crossed over his chest while his expression is that mask that betrays nothing of what he might thinking or feeling.

"I need you to know…" He says so lowly that I barely hear him and he pauses as if debating on how to put it but I already know what he's trying to tell me so I interrupt him.

"I already knew."

"Kat," He says my name in a sigh that almost seems relieved before his forehead wrinkles, causing the dermals above his eyebrow to raise up. "I would have though. I need you to know that too." He says sounding him as if it pains him to admit another thing I already knew.

I smirk slightly and shrug. "I already knew that too."

"And with you too, Kat. I will and am going to have to."

"You better," I manage to get out after I calm the thudding of my heart and flipping in my stomach when I realize he really is worried how I'm going to handle this coming from him.

I meet his eyes after they shift to mine and smirk slightly at the surprise I see in his eyes before his smirk matches mine.

"Good girl," He whispers in what sounds like a purr. It feels like silk moving against my skin in how it makes me feel. I can't stop myself from biting my lip slightly and he quickly moves his eyes away and clears his throat. "Dismissed. Go warm up."

I'm still biting my lower lip as I turn abruptly and quickly walk over to join the others. All the warm fluttery feelings I had disappear as I inwardly groan when I realize the only open spot is next to Peter.

I ignore him and his cronies completely as I start my stretches, or rather I try to but it's kind of hard when I can hear muttered insults about me or my sister. That mainly comes from Molly and Drew with Peter occasionally adding something in but mostly keeping quiet. I don't know if it's the fact that I manage to keep myself from looking like they are bothering me in the least or what causes him to finally join in, but Peter starts to show his true colors as we near the end of stretches.

"Don't worry, I won't damage your sister too much, Stiff. Might mess up that pretty little face of hers though." Then he pauses and gives me an evil smirk. "Or it might just improve it."

"So funny, Peter," I mumble and shake my head. I know he's baiting me and I should ignore it but I can't stand the thought of my sister having to fight this bastard. Every time I look at his stupid face or hear his voice I see flashes of my sister being hurt by him and that is destroying any resolve to not let him get to me.

I feel something in me snap as I imagine him smirking down at my sister in the same manner he just did me.

"You know, you don't fool me. I've known guys like you all my life but some of them are worse than you could ever imagine being. The thing you all have in common is that in the end, you are nothing but cowards underneath all the talk and smirks. You are nothing but weak on the inside so you try to make others feel weaker than you just so you can feel stronger."

I can tell my words are having the desired effect on him by the way his arms are flexing and the red tinge on his cheeks. "How is that working out for you, by the way? Do you feel strong now? Do you feel like a man, Peter?"

"Shut up, Stiff. You don't know a fucking thing about me." Peter snarls as he abruptly stands up from his stretch and faces me with his fists clenched to his side.

A surge of feral triumph floods me as I stand straight and let a wicked smirk cross my face. I can tell he recognizes this same smirk as the one I had just before I shoved his ass from the train because he pales a little but he doesn't back down.

"Oh, but I do, Peter. You're an open book to me. You and your daddy issues. Let me guess…" I cross my arms over my chest and tap my chin as if in thought, my forehead wrinkling as if I'm having to work really hard at what I'm thinking about. "He was never happy with anything you did and didn't waste a chance in telling you what a disappointment you are to him? That's the Candor thing to do right, to let his kid know what a complete failure he is?"

I tilt my head as I speak in a sugary sweet tone that is honestly anything but nice and that would repulse me normally if I weren't so livid at the images of what he might do to my sister in their fight. A darker part of me is rising to the surface and as much as a small part of me is trying to warn me how much I'm going to regret my words and actions right now, I don't stop.

Looking at his reactions and his posture, along with all our other interactions, it all speaks to me and paints a picture. A picture that hits home in some ways and tugs at my compassion until I shove that aside when I hear his friends goading him to say something back to me.

"I'm sure it's a safe bet that mother dearest was nowhere near during all of this. That she couldn't or wouldn't stand up for her baby boy. So, not only do you have a major inferiority complex all thanks to Papa; you also have issues with women stemming from resentment for your mother."

I move closer to him without even really noticing it as I drop all pretense of a sweet demeanor. Intent on hurting him before he hurts my sister. Not even caring in this moment how cruel I'm being or the damage I'm inflicting.

"Don't you talk about my mom." He hisses in a warning, a vein pulsing on the side of his neck.

"I'm guessing by your instant reaction to us on the train that…" My eyes widen as the truth hits me like a ton of fucking bricks being swung by a giant straight at my chest. It almost knocks the wind out of me, it hits me that hard.

"Shut  _up_ , Stiff," Peter snarls and flinches forward towards me when he realizes what I was about to say before I stopped. "You don't know  _anything_  about me or my family."

Four joined us at some point and has Peter by his arms, pulling him back. "That's enough!" He barks out to us while yanking Peter back from me.

We were in each other's faces and I think by his expression Peter is just as surprised by that as I am. It's enough to bring me back to the present and the reality of what just happened, like buckets of ice water being tossed over me.

I stumble back a little only to feel firm hands steadying me from behind. I look over my shoulder to see Edward there, frowning a little. I turn wild eyes on the rest of the room and see that everyone is looking at me with either frowns or in disgust.

Everyone but Eric.

He stands not far off, his posture rigid but his lower lip pulled between his teeth as he aims calculating eyes at me. It lasts for a second before he gives me a small nod and turns away.

"It might be better if you continued your warm up over here with us," Edward says, guiding me almost gently to where Myra is standing. His frown is gone and he has a small smile. There is also something in his eyes that makes me think I just gained a little respect from him but I'm not sure why.

I nod and follow along a little numbly, avoiding looking at my sister. I don't want to risk looking at her and seeing the familiar look of disappointment in her eyes. When I'm taking up a position to start my warm-up again I catch a glimpse of Peter off to the side with Four. He's standing there rigidly while Four is talking to him quietly. I don't know if he just feels my eyes on him or what, but I find him looking back at me.

For a second I think I see real pain in his green eyes before it's gone and all I see is pure anger.

"Yeah, I got it," He snarls loudly at Four before he jerks his arm from his grasp and moves away.

That feeling of dread that's been following me all morning seems to be lodged in my throat as I realize that in my anger of what  _could_  happen to my sister, I might have just made it a guarantee.


	17. Hard Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric gives Kat her first look at how cruel he can be, but will she be able to see his true motives or will she see what everyone else does?

**Chapter 16 - Hard Lessons**

** _Eric_ **

This day...this fucked up, roller coaster of a day...just needs to end already.

I feel exhausted and stressed out, and we haven't even gotten into fights. The initiates are still warming up for fuck's sake!

_Is this what life is going to be like with Kat? How messed up is it that I'm hoping so?_

It's nothing like I would have wanted a few weeks ago or how I would have reacted. I would have been raising hell for someone messing up my routine and life like she has been, but I wasn't really living back then either.

So far every encounter I've had with her has had some surprise in store for me.

I can admit that not all of them are all that good. But the good ways...the great ways...fuck do they make me feel things.

One of my admissions to Zach during my time in Amity was that I felt like I was coming alive again but for every positive thing to come from that, there's also a negative. One of the big negatives' that I'm feeling right now is the uncertainty of how I'm going to keep her safe.

I've never worried about keeping anyone safe as I do with Kat. Before my brothers, with my parents, it hadn't entered my mind that there would ever be anything they were in danger from. Which had been a mistake and one I vowed to never make again. The best way to do that was to not have anyone in my life to worry about. I mean, with Chase and Zach it's not so much that I worry about keeping them safe. It's more that there are things I want to keep them from having to take on themselves.

At lunch, I got a big dose of what that feels like when I listened to Kat talking to her sister and trying to impress on her the importance of what we're doing here with the fights. Her story about whoever the fuck Alistair is, definitely had my hackles raised. It certainly had Zach and Chase's interest raised too. I already knew I was going to be getting more details from her about that but it just multiplied a concern I already have about Kat.

One more of those not so great surprises. The fact that Kat tends to let her emotional state affects her performance.

I saw is during weapons training when she and Four got into it. Another thing I would be getting the story on. Because whatever it was had her going from being one of the top performers, besides Edward, to barely landing her shots. Then hearing that story and how she admitted herself that something happened that caused her, and possibly her sister, to get hurt during an encounter with the factionless.

It wasn't lost on any of us the encounter she was mentioning was not the one she told us about over breakfast that first morning. Zach was the one to point out that he knew that morning she had evaded completely answering my demand for her to tell me about all of her encounters. If the one she did tell us about was one that left her bleeding out from being shot, what were the ones like that she isn't telling me?

I knew leaving lunch that at some point between now and tomorrow morning I would be getting every detail I could from her. I determined that I'm going to find a way to work with her to make sure that the issue she has about losing focus gets corrected.

Now I'm watching as Four drags Peter Hayes away from Kat and their little showdown, and know I'm going to need to step up my plan to neutralize the former Candor.

Watching her handle him leaves me torn between being turned on as hell and just as worried.

I've known how Peter operates from the moment he got here. He and I play the same game. One I was trained to play to fulfill my duties but it's one he seems to get off on.

He likes to get in peoples heads and plant doubts using little bits of truth. Enough that the person isn't likely to dismiss them out of hand because they're things that they are most likely already thinking. It's just enough for him to get under their skin and manipulate them to whatever his goal is. Whether that's to turn them against someone else or lose confidence in themselves, possibly even both.

Kat saw this and turned it back around on him and then some.

I watch Kat flinch and stumble when Four pulls them apart and it's like watching her come out of some kind of trance. I want to give her a smile of approval for how she handled him, but how can I when I saw the look of revulsion that came over her when she realized what just happened?

So I give her a small nod and turn away feeling like I just suffered my own blow. I know that look of revulsion was for herself, not me, but I can't help feeling like it might as well be. Not when I realize those words she used to describe Peter might as well have been said about me.

Knowing how those words are making me feel I can also imagine that they've made Peter feel even worse. When I catch the hateful glares he shoots at Kat, I know I need to move fast.

* * *

Time seems to blur by as the initiates all finish their stretches and warm-up before fights begin. I toy with the idea of cutting them off early and getting them started, then disregard that. I let Four guide them through the warm-up without bothering to give him shit about it. Instead, I step over to the side close the board and lean against the wall, keeping up the illusion that I'm watching them all like a hawk when really I'm too wrapped up in this feeling that's been growing in me since lunch.

I can't help to think that it's not really what I'm feeling so much as what Kat is. She's been off since that crap with at the range with Four and it's just been making her act even more cagey.

I wanted to get answers from her about what was said and what he wanted from her that he put up a front of a punishment tonight, but seeing how she is right now I know that's not the best idea. I might not be able to find out what happened this morning but I could make damn sure I knew what was going on tonight. He was stupid to pick the training room for their meeting. Cameras are all over the place.

Lucky for me my own time with her in those rooms would never be available to anyone but who I authorize. Being a leader, as well as having a best friend that's in charge of that department, has its advantages. Namely that I could call in for it to be put in blackout mode or erase the footage and no one would say shit about that or anything else they see in the room.

That solved that issue for me though it would be better if I could override the damn punishment altogether. But given her anger when she snapped at Four at lunch, I'm thinking she might just get pissed at me for stepping in.

I'm worried about upsetting her and that's not a feeling I'm used to at all anymore.

Just like earlier, I didn't want her to think I pulled a stupid move like putting her sister against Peter right out of the gate, but I didn't want her to think I would never put either of them against someone like that. Because I will, even if I don't like how it makes me feel so goddamn off center and worried.

I slide one of my knives from a vest pocket and fiddle with it while sighing at myself as I eye Kat when she moves over to one side of the training room to watch the first set of fighters.

It's Edward and Will up first. Another choice of Four's. I have no problem with the pairing but I wouldn't have picked them to be first up. I would have put them after a few of the more boring and predictable fights to break things up a bit.

I split my time walking slowly back and forth as I watch the two go at it watching them and watching Kat watching them. Seeing what others might not be seeing as they move. Just like with Kat, I notice that Edward seems to be very practiced and smooth but he also seems to be holding back from doing any big moves.

I wonder if she sees this too while she observes so closely, being very focused on the two. Her sister beside her is cringing while watching her friend as it looks he's taking a pretty bad beating from Edward. Kat has concern as well but I can tell for now its pushed back by her absorbing everything. When it's over she's right there with her sister, trying to help Will up and handing him over to Four so he can escort him to the clinic.

The next few fights barely keep my attention. I glance at the board and see the next one is Molly and Christina, call them forward to get started, then I start musing over the next round of fights and who I'm thinking of pairing together and in what order.

Seeing as Four is doing a piss poor job, I figure it's time for me to step in.

I have to admit that I feel a bit nervous about Kat's match with Drew but at least it's not Edward. I don't mind putting her against the Erudite but I would prefer to have a few more training sessions with her before that happens.

I still can't believe he put Tris with Peter after having her sit out the first fight! I can't wrap my mind around that, because it's so unlike Four. Usually, I'm the one that has to push him to match up the girls with the stronger male initiates.

"Stop!"

The word is wailed from the ring and has me jerking my attention back to the two fighters where I see Christina on the ground. She's holding out a hand to ward off the kick Molly looked like she was about to deliver her.

"Stop!" She coughs as blood drips down her face from her nose. "I'm done."

_Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me here. I know I was crystal fucking clear that there was to be no conceding in fights._

My mental screaming does nothing to relieve the burst of anger I have right now but I need to remain calm and have a clear head to deal with the situation. I'm feeling a bit generous so I decide I'll give her a chance to correct herself and get back to the fight.

I walk slowly towards the ring and step up then on it with my arms crossed casually over my chest but it's really to hide the clenching of my fists.

"I'm sorry, what did you say? You're done?"

A smart person would recognize the tone as anything but friendly. They would see the way my eyes are trying to sear the correct answer into their own, and they would act accordingly. It should make her think and reconsider, but she does none of that. She pushes herself to her knees then pinches her nose to stop the bleeding.

She doesn't even bother actually answering me and it doesn't look she plans on continuing the fight either.

All my generosity dries up and I seethe with rage.

"Get up," I don't bother to get her enough time to follow through with my quiet command as I reach down and grip her arm and hoist her to her feet.

I spare one glance at Kat, along with the others, then make my decision as I start to pull the girl along with me towards the door. "All of you, follow me."

_Better be sure about this Coulter, you're about to show your ugly side to Kat. There's no taking it back once it's done. Is giving this girl another chance worth that?_

Probably not, but I can't let how Kat's going to react to my actions stop me from teaching a lesson that needs to be learned. It's not just about the girl struggling to keep up with me at my side, it's about all of them. If one of them didn't think my words were enough of a warning then let this action be the last one they'll get from me.

Besides, what's that saying? If you can't handle me at my worst…

I lead everyone to the Chasm until we're all standing on the bridge. I shove Christina towards the railing once we've reached the middle.

"Climb over it."

"What?" She gasps out incredulously, her eyes wide and her complexion paling.

"Climb. Over. The. Railing. If you can hang over the Chasm for five minutes, I'll forget your cowardice. If you can't, you're done. You're out."

She stays silent, looking at me with disbelieving eyes while I look on her with my cold and hard ones. I don't feel an ounce of compassion for what she brought on herself. I could have just thrown her out. By the rules, I have every right too. By giving up and conceding she removed herself from a fight, an activity that she is required to participate in. She essentially removed  _herself_  from initiation.

_I should throw her out. She's annoying as shit._

"Fine," She spits out and I can tell she's trying not to let her voice shake to betray how scared she is.

As she grips the railing and looks over the side for a few seconds, I almost hope she won't do it. That she will back down and then I can just escort her to the gate. I think that's part of why I brought her here because part of me doesn't think she will do it if she was willing to give up so easily back there.

Christina does end up climbing over, albeit it seems like it takes her way too long to do it. Once she's finally over the railing she just as slowly lowers herself. I glance at my watch to mark the time from when she finally started to hang from the side.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her friend, the farm boy as Kat calls him, set his own watch. He and Kat's sister are standing shoulder to shoulder, watching closely and with looks of worry directed Christina while a few looks of disgust are thrown my way.

I try to resist it, but I do end up searching out Kat among the group and see she's standing close to Edward. Her forehead is wrinkled and her hands are clasped tightly in front of her as she watches her fellow transfer hanging on for dear life. She must feel my eyes on her because she looks up to meet mine.

I didn't know how worried I was about what I would find there until I see the understanding she communicates to me with a simple nod before she looks away quickly and back at Christina.

In that brief look, I know that she doesn't care for what's being done, but it seems she understands. I expected that she wouldn't even if it seems like she really does not get along with her sisters' friend. Hell, I saw her feeling guilty for the pain she might have caused Peter with her words. Kat seems to have this perplexing mix of deep compassion along with the hardened will resolve of a seasoned Dauntless.

So, she doesn't like what I'm doing but at least she understands and that's enough for me.

A strangled sob coming from Christina has my attention going back to her to see that's she slipped so that she's barely holding on by her fingertips. I brace myself and get ready to grab her if she loses her grip entirely. I won't let her fall but if she can't hang on and it requires me to step in, I won't let her stay either.

"Come on, Christina," Al bellows out encouragement to her. I see her look at him as he gives a few loud claps and nods at her while talking to her again. "Come on, grab it. You can do it. Grab it."

She flails around for a few seconds, at first looking like she isn't going to be able to get a grip again until she finally does. There are a few more of those cheering sessions as the time ticks by, but this time Tris joins in on them.

"It's time," Al spits out as his watch alarm goes off. I'm surprised by how firm he is and how brave he's being by looking at me with the glare he has going on considering he's such a pussy in training.

I make a show of checking the time on my own watch just for his attitude.

"Fine," I reply calmly after a few long seconds. "You can come up, Christina."

Al takes a step forward as if he's going to help her and I put a hand out to stop him, shaking my head.

"No. She has to do it on her own."

"No, she doesn't." He actually growls out at me. "She did what you said. She's not a coward. She did what you said."

Where the hell is all this attitude during training? I narrow my eyes at him but don't respond. He takes this as agreement and hauls her up and over the railing. She drops to the ground where Tris kneels down to help her.

I look around and make sure I have everyone's attention as they look on the bleeding and trembling form of the girl.

"Dauntless don't give up. This will be the only other warning you get." My voice echoes off the stone walls and carries over the roar of the water. "Get her to the clinic." I nod my head towards Tris as I give her the order. "Everyone else, back to the training room  _now_. We have fights to continue."

They all scramble to do what I say. Al joins Tris in taking Christina to the clinic and I don't bother to deny him. I'm focused on the one person that didn't all but run from the bridge to get away from me.

I hoped she wouldn't rush off, that she would stay behind, but honestly didn't expect it. She lags behind enough to be very last and it allows me to catch up with her.

"You understood, right?" This is the first thing I ask her once I'm close enough to her that no one else can hear us?

Fuck this insecurity I'm constantly feeling with her. I don't like it one bit but it also seems like it's one of the things that comes along with all the new feelings I have.

I don't like second guessing myself or how I'm doing my job. Yet again that seems to be another thing I can't help but doing now that it seems like I'm thinking clearly, and thinking for myself, for the first time in years.

Which is why I didn't just have a few guards come to take Christina away at the moment she refused to keep fighting, like I would have a few weeks ago.

Kat's arms are behind her back with her hands clasped lightly together. I shouldn't but I reach forward and let my hand brush against one of hers. Her fingers curl a little around mine. The contact and her acceptance of my touch has my body relaxing.

"I did. You made it clear before fights, Eric. You shouldn't have had to do that in the first place." She looks over her shoulder at me for a moment as we walk slowly towards the training room again. "Like you said earlier, sometimes it takes learning the hard way, right?"

I squeeze her fingers with my own and let go. "Speaking of, we will be talking about that, Kat."

Her head is faced forward so I can't see her expression but I hear her resigned sigh before she responds. "I know. I honestly already figured as much."

"After you get done with…" My jaw grinds together as I get the words out and try not to take my irritation with Four out on her, "Your time with Four, I want you to find me, Chase or Zach if it isn't too late. I would really prefer to talk about all of this before the morning."

_So I can plan how to make sure you don't lose focus like you did earlier and also what I'm going to need to do to put Four in his place._

"You know he's going to make me run laps or something like that until at least just before curfew, right?" She says with a shrug.

She sounds sure that's what's going to happen, but I'm not so certain that he's really going to have her do anything training wise. He has something up his sleeve I just don't know what.

"I doubt it. But if that's the case then I'll know and we can save our talk for the morning."

I hate the thought of not being able to sneak in time with her after dinner. I'm finding that I want...no need...to see her beyond just in training. As much time as I can get with her, I want it, all of it.

Our conversation is cut off there as we enter the training room. I immediately move away from her and over to the board, already calling out the next names to get started.

Four enters shortly after we all get back, with Tris and Al trailing him. I can tell by the nasty look and his thinned lips that he's heard about what happened. I watched as Four and Tris paused at the door for just a moment where it looked they were talking. I knew it was about me because of his pointed head nod in my direction.

I don't need to be there to know that he's warning her about me. That he's saying something to make her distrustful and wary of me, maybe even dislike me. Normally, I wouldn't care. I would find it either amusing or not even worth another thought. But this is Kat's sister and I sense this is going to be trouble for me if things work out as I'm planning.

I take another look at Kat who is watching the two of them as well before she rolls her eyes and looks away.

I smirk a little and think that maybe it won't be as much trouble as I thought. The only opinion that matters to me is Kat's and so far she hasn't shied away yet. I'm just hoping it can stay that way.


	18. A Little Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the morning's drama comes to a head between the sisters and their fights. Will Tris and Kat come out of this unscathed or will a trip to the clinic be in their future?

* * *

 

**Chapter 17 - A Little Unsteady**

**_Kat_ **

"I think you should have Four take over your punishments," Are the first words Tris says to me after she gets back from taking Christina to the clinic.

I'm able to keep my cool because I was already expecting something from her after I watched her return right on Four's heels. I noticed that before she made her way to me, he held her back and was whispering furiously to her while making glares in Eric's direction. When he saw I was watching them, he quickly looked away, but I didn't need to see the guilt in his eyes to know he was up to something.

Now I see him lurking near and listening in as Tris follows whatever little scheme he came up with.

I take a breath and turn my head to look at her. "Why would you suggest I do that?"

She looks at me and frowns. Maybe because, for once, I'm able to keep my tone relatively flat and unemotional, or maybe it's because she genuinely doesn't know why I wouldn't  _want_  to follow her suggestion.

"Didn't you see what just happened? He hung her from the Chasm, Kat?"

I huff out a breath in frustration and try to do a mental count as I build my argument and hide my disappointment in her.

_Fucking Four sticking his nose in where it's not wanted again!_

"I don't even know where to begin with how ridiculous and insulting you are being right now," I shake my head in disgust and disappointment and know even as I say the words that they aren't going to help matters here.

I can already tell that Tris is worried about what happened with me and Peter, pissed over what happened with Christina, and all of that probably wasn't made any better by whatever Four said. Add to the fact that she's big sister mode and is probably reacting out of her need to protect me. My own anger isn't going to help the situation but I can't help it.

"I'm being ridiculous and insulting? How exactly do you figure that Mary Katherine?" Tris spits out in a tone I recognize all too well as her condescending,  _'I know better than you because I'm older'_ , tone.

It seems our old habits and resentment isn't as behind us as I thought, because I feel myself reacting just as I did before when she got like this on me.

"Well,  _Beatrice,_ where should I start? Let's start with the insulting aspect. You suggesting that I go above Eric's head and try to get my punishments handed to Four. What makes you think it would even be possible to do that? How exactly should I go about it? Were you thinking perhaps of me throwing out our father's name and his position? Because that would go over  _so_  well right, and of course it wouldn't make me even more of a target for leadership or anyone else that's questioning if I belong here."

"I…." She frowns and stops. Looking at me for several long seconds before I see her shake her head a little. "No, that wouldn't be good to do. I didn't think about that." She takes a deep breath but I can tell it's not over as her chin juts out stubbornly. "But that's even more reason for him not to be the one to handle your punishments. If he was willing to do that, to hang her over the Chasm, what is he going to do to you? Is he the kind of person that should even be allowed to train us much less be in charge…"

I can't help it. I can't stand another second of her bad mouthing Eric much less how dangerous it is for her to be talking about a leader of any faction but especially the one we want to be part of, in this manner.

Something in my eyes must do the job of getting her attention because she stops abruptly and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Are you out of your freaking mind right now, Tris?" I hiss at her and look around. Eric is watching us, I can tell as he looks my way and cuts his eyes back to the people in the ring, but thankfully he didn't hear what she had been saying.

There are a few people around. I'm just not sure what they heard or not. I see Tris looking around as well, her expression slightly chastened.

"Look, I know you've heard just as much as I have about a few of the leaders here." Not true, I'm sure I've heard lots more than my sister even with Four's input but I can play it off as it all came from our parents and Abnegation. "But I made a decision before I even came here that I'm not going to be like all those damn Erudite and Candor that decided to believe anything and everything they heard from rumors about our faction, including what was said about our parents. You can do the same or not, but if you're smart you will keep your opinions to yourself. This is our faction now, Tris. I might not like how everything is done here. I might not even like most of the people that I'm supposed to call my new family. But I will respect my leaders and trust that things are done the way they are for a reason. And if I feel like they aren't for a good reason then I will make damn sure that I work my hardest to get myself in a position to  _do something_  about it. Something besides badmouth and tear it down."

I gasp for breath at how forceful and fast I got all of that out. I'm thankful I was able to keep the volume low enough that it shouldn't be drawing much attention. I'm sure freaking Four is listening but I don't care about him right now. All my focus is on my sister.

She looks down at her feet, her arms are still crossed over her chest so she hasn't dropped her defensive posture much but I can tell she really listened to me and is processing it. So I keep going hoping to impress this on her and put it to rest here and now so she can focus on the fight she has coming.

"Tris, I had an advantage that you didn't with having met my friends before coming here. Now that you've gotten to know them yourself, I'm sure you can tell that Lynn is not one to mince words. She can be brutally honest at times but she also has one of the biggest hearts underneath it all. Lynn is everything about Dauntless that I've ever hoped for. What I said about her having a big heart is true, but make no mistake when I say that she has no issues with putting someone down if it were to come down to it. She is a protector and warrior through and through. But she and the other Dauntless-born, they've all had the benefit of living this life long before us so all of this is just facts of life and normal. It was one of the first things Lynn cautioned me on, to not come here thinking that the people who had the job to get us into shape and train us would have the luxury to be anything other than hard and almost cruel about it. So for me, when I look at Eric's actions, I see not just the cruelty behind them but the purpose. He didn't have to give her that chance, Tris. You realize this right? Christina gave up her fight and quit initiation when she did. We were all told that by James when he came to training and we were warned again before fights even started today by Eric. But for whatever reason, she ignored the warning. What else did you expect to happen?"

I take a calming breath while real hurt builds inside me, replacing the anger I felt. "The thing that has always driven me is that I never want what happened to me, to us, happen to anyone ever again. But if for some reason I'm faced with a situation like that again or I'm sent into a situation like that to help others, I want to be prepared. I want to be strong. The only way I'm going to be both prepared and strong is if we have people here that are willing to push us to make us that way. So is Eric the kind of person that I want training me? Yes, I want him to train me. I want a person that wants to make me stronger so I can protect myself and others rather than someone that would shelter me from whatever  _they_   _think_  I can't or shouldn't have to handle. I would have thought that out of anyone that you would get that, Tris. That you and I, of all people, we would get it." My eyes burn as my voice gets rough and low with my emotions I'm trying to keep in check. "That you would get  _me_." My voice breaks on the sob I shove back and try to hold down.

"Kat…" Tris gasps and reaches for me but I jerk back and shake my head.

"So as far as that suggestion goes, it's never going to happen. Whatever punishments I get in my time here I will serve them with who I'm told to. I'll serve Eric's with him and Four's just the same."

Tris nods and chews her bottom lip and looks down. Scuffing her foot against the concrete as she does so before she looks up at me again. "Can you just…" She stops and hesitates before she starts again. "Can you just be careful then? Be careful around him and...just in general?" She reaches out again and this time I don't stop her as she lays her hand softly over the arm that still has that thin bandage covering an already mostly healed wound.

I look at her hand on it and think that's not too hard of a promise to make to her because I do need to be careful, more aware. Not just to make sure I don't have a repeat careless moment, but because I know I'm going to have to be careful of my growing desire and feelings for Eric.

So yeah, I could make my sister that promise. A shifting of Four that I catch from the corner of my eye has a thought coming to my mind and I look at Tris with a soft smile.

"I'll promise that if you can promise me something in return."

"What?" She asks after only a second's hesitation.

"Find yourself here, who you were or are, who you've always been but were never allowed to be. Don't let others dictate how you should be, feel, think or act, anymore. Not even me, Tris. Form your own opinions about things but not based on what others are saying. We have a chance to make our own way here based on our choices. I just want them to be truly ours and not just because it was easier to go along with everyone else. Can you promise me that?"

The promise I wanted from her started out as a thought of trying to stop the prejudice Four has against Eric and pretty much anything he doesn't approve of. It became about so much more than that in the end.

I could practically see the wheels turning in my sister's mind as she goes over my words, processing them and breaking them down. It's an expression that seems to be the biggest trait we share with our father and how he is when he is thinking things over.

"Kat…" She starts out saying but then stops and sighs with a small smile and nod. "I can try too."

A small weight feels like it's been lifted from me as I realize I've just spoken things that I've held back and in for so long now. Though there was still so much else that I can't say, this a start for me, for us hopefully.

 

* * *

 

"If you can't keep your shit together and fight then get out of my ring... _Initiate_." Eric sneers the words from his side of the ring but I don't dare look his way.

It's all I can do to pull myself together and avoid another punch to the face from Drew's anvil-like fist.

What the hell had they been thinking of putting my fight after my sisters?

I know I only have myself to blame for losing it the way I did, so bad that Edward ended up with now has a split lip and Al might have lost the ability to father children. Even those two trying to restrain me hadn't been enough and it took Eric stepping in to put an end to whatever it was that possessed me as I watched Peter going after my sister so viciously.

Eric had hissed at me that I needed to keep it together but hadn't let go as the fight went on. While I did calm some, I was still struggling to go to her.

Tris ended up winning, barely, by using what we knew about his weak point. It had been enough to give her time to get up and deliver a hit that knocked him senseless and Eric bellowed out that it was over just a split second before she collapsed to the ground. I watched helplessly as she was lifted and carried to the clinic, wanting to go but knowing from one look into Eric's eyes that wasn't happening.

My fight was up and there was no getting out of it, and now I'm struggling badly. All my training and preparation feels like it's gone right out of the window. I feel scared, weak, helpless and a failure to be who my family needed me to be.

I feel exactly how Marcus used to make me feel.

Suddenly it's like the haze clears at the thought, and a growl leaves my throat. I refused to let him win back then and the hell if I'm going to let him win now. I need to get my shit together fast and I pray that the way I developed to use in these situations works for me. This will be the first time I've actually had to use it like I'm about to.

I mentally begin to center myself, which is slightly harder to do since I've never done this in the middle of a fight.

" _Strength comes from an indomitable will, not physical capability,"_

The sound of the first in my mantra series being spoken out loud surprises me as well as sets me on my path by giving me strength. I didn't mean to say it out loud but, it feels right.

The anger is pushed back, my worries for Tris fade and then I'm able to somewhat ignore the pain from the hits to my head and ribs that Drew landed. I start to think clearly about how the fight has gone so far, particularly how Drew fights. My mind starts to go over my own training and how I can handle the situation I've gotten myself in.

" _Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."_

Drew hasn't stopped coming at me but this time his actions are clearer to me and I'm able to read them before they come at me. I land a blow and dance away. He follows with trying to kick and punch me. For the next several seconds I'm able to avoid most hits, preventing myself from getting more damage.

But right now, I'm fighting defensively and that's not going to get me anywhere. I need to find a balance between the two. I get another hit on Drew but he lands one on me in the same spot of my ribs making me hiss in pain.

" _Absorb what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own."_

Later, when I think back on this fight, it will occur to me that for every thought I have as I try to get my bearings and come back from the mess I created by going into this so unfocused, I vocally answered it with mantras that fit the situation perfectly.

Later, when I'm grilled about this incident, I'll realize that my instinct told me to say these things out loud instead of just in my head. Not only to help myself, but also to unsettle my opponent.

I watch as he falters slightly with the last mantra and it gives me enough time to realize his next move before he makes it and prepare.

Drew moves in for a kick, going for a slightly higher one than the others he's attempted before. This time he's going for my side and the ribs he's been working on so far. Seeing this, I grab his leg then twist it and bring force down on it with my elbow. I hear the pop and his scream but I don't stop. I know it's not broken but at the very least dislocated. Not enough to prevent him from continuing the fight, so I keep going. At the moment he's still screaming and reeling from the pain, I yank him forward and elbow him in the face, making his head snap back.

Then I let him go with a shove to push him away from me at the same time as leap back just in time for his wild swing to miss as he roars in anger and pain. He sounds like a wounded beast, full on anguish. Any other time that would make me feel compassion and want to help him.

Right now though, it makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel like a hunter as I zero in on my prey.

" _Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself."_

"Shut up you fucking freak!" Drew rages, clutching his nose which is coursing in blood.

Drew is on the brink of something, I can see the loathing and hate in his eyes. I can see the desperation too. Between the damage I've been able to give him when he probably thought this was going to be an easy win for him, and how unsettling my words are, he's on an edge.

Chase's words float forward in my mind. The ones about seeing an opportunity and seizing it, and I know now is the time.

_"To hell with circumstances, I create opportunities."_

"I said, shut up you fre…" Drew never gets to finish.

He moved forward just before he yelled, about to launch another attack, but I saw he left his middle wide open and ripe for the taking.

I proved my words true by landing two hard blows to his midsection, causing him to double over and leaving his head exposed, or at least the back of it. I used my forearm to deliver another hit to the back of his head at the back of his skull to take him.

I knew he wasn't out at the point. So when he fell face forward I pounced again, straddling his back and pinning him to the ground and then raining a few more blows until I feel him go limp.

I don't move even after I know he's out. I don't know if I can move. I can barely breathe and just sit there panting as all the pain that I was able to ignore rushes back in full force.

I yelp and gasp as someone roughly grabs me and lifts me off Drew. My head falls back a little as I grimace and I look to see Eric glaring down at me. There's a tick at the side of his eye. The skin on his face looks to be tight against his cheekbones and his lips thinned so much they are almost white. His eyes move to the prone figure of Drew and his expression becomes almost murderous. He looks at the boy like he would tear him apart at any second.

He shifts and his big hands squeeze my middle a little, causing my ribs to be compressed as he tries to steady me on my feet. I can't stop the groan and his eyes snap over to me, that murderous look still in his eyes.

"Mark the winner as Kat." He even as he starts to drag me out of the ring. "Four, think you can manage to call this one?"

He doesn't wait for a reply to his sneered order/question as we make our way out of the door. I'm not sure where we're going or what to expect right now.

I can feel fury radiating from him and for the first time since coming to Dauntless, I'm actually afraid of the man holding me in a death grip as he drags me off to who knows where.


	19. The Only Thing We Have To Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric is faced with some hard truths and an aspect of Kat's that might be more than he can or wants to handle, not if it means on turning his back on what he's believed. The day has been leading to a showdown of some kind, but with who and what the end result will, remains to be seen.

**Chapter 18 - The Only Thing We Have To Fear**

**_Eric_ **

I know as soon as I saw Tris' name beside Peter's that it spelled trouble. I had this feeling that I couldn't shake and that got worse after Kat's verbal sparring with him. I knew he was going to take it out on Tris, so I expected it to be as bad as it got.

What I didn't expect but should have, was Kat's reaction. She freaked the fuck out. I had some idea that she would be upset and probably not handle it well, but holy fuck was I unprepared for what happened.

I'm trying to give all my attention to the fight, trying to make sure Peter doesn't take this shit too far and if I have to, step in. So at first, I don't realize how bad Kat really is until she shrieks and tries to launch herself into the ring.

Edward must have seen it coming well before I did because he grabs her and hauls her back. But it's not enough cause she's throwing elbows and struggling to get out of his hold.

And I do mean hold.

He had to go into a full-on wrestler hold and then was trying to calm her down. She breaks free of it after clocking him and Al steps in but that ends before he can even get ahold of her after she delivers a kick to his groin.

By this point, I see this isn't going to end well for anyone if I don't handle it and know I've gotta step in.

She doesn't stop fighting even when I grab her. I hate that I know I'm going to have to get rough with her. I know I'm going to have to be cold and cruel and come off as some uncaring asshole, but she needs to stop now.

"You need to keep it together, Kat" I hiss close to her ear after she's stopped fighting me somewhat. She finally looks up at me, her eyes looking unfocused and pupils completely were blown wide.

This looks chills me to the fucking bone coming from her. It's one I've seen on men in the middle of engagements or shortly after when they see who we've lost. It's haunted and rage-filled, almost mindless in the need for some kind of revenge.

I hate seeing that in her eyes. I hate knowing that it's from something in her past that's made her this way. I hate not knowing what it could be and wondering if I can handle finding out. I hate that it makes me feel fucking helpless.

By the time the fight is coming to an end, I'm fucking livid.

Livid at her. Livid at myself. But most of all I'm beyond livid at fucking Four.

The bastard that set this entire thing up and then walked out of the training room during the middle of it.

Walked. Out.

He couldn't stand the sight of the thing he himself arranged so he walked out and left me here to deal with this shit alone.

I'm about to call it enough when I see Tris stumbling and go to her hands and knees on the mat, shaking her head as if to clear it from the ringing I know it has to be doing after she got a blow to the side of her head. Peter looks like he's about to kick her while she's down and I figure she's already done for.

Then Tris does something completely unexpected by rearing up, pulling her arm back and then punching the boy straight in his junk.

Peter lets an anguished scream and drops like a ton of fucking bricks to the mat where Tris finishes him off with a punch that probably wasn't even really needed. Not with the way I saw his eyes roll up into the back of his head.

"Enough," I bark out when I think I see her about to try and get another hit.

I watch all fight leave the girl as she drops to the mat right there, crumpling forward since she never left her knees once she hit the mat.

"Let me go," Kat rages, desperately trying to get out of my hold.

I ignore that and her for the moment as I watch Four materialize and head straight for the ring. "Mark Tris as the winner. Get them both to the clinic." I spit out my orders and jerk Kat back as she managed to loosen my grip a little.

Four lifts and carries Tris out of the room with Al and Edward both struggling to get Peter out between them. Everyone else is looking at them as they go so I focus on Kat.

I spin her around to face me and shake her a little. "Stop it," I order her when she tries to break free again. My words and action are harsh enough to get some sense into her and she stops completely. Looking at me with those big green eyes that are just now starting to shine a little.

I grit my jaw and hate myself a little for what I'm about to do.

"You're up, Initiate. You either fight or you're out. Do you understand?" It kills me to see the anger she flashes at me but I held strong. "I won't repeat myself again, Stiff."

Her chin lifts and she jerks out of my hands, this time I let her. "Sir, yes, sir." She replies, her voice raspy and her eyes still burning with that anger.

"Drew, in the ring," I call out as I watch Kat walk stiffly towards it herself.

She's not in the state of mind for this shit but I don't have a choice. Not after what I said and demonstrated at the Chasm with Christina.

I move to another side of the ring to watch, far away from the others and pace as they face off against each other.

It feels like fucking forever that I watch her flounder. Watch take hit after hit, almost seeming like she wants too. Like she's not fighting back how I know she's capable of fighting, just so she can take the same thing her sister just did. I remember her issues with wanting to take pain medications for the same reason. Because she feels like it's her just punishment. Drew lands a hit to her ribs and I brace knowing I'm going to hear a snap or something. But something in me snaps.

I can't fucking do this. I'm not going to sit here in silence and watch her do this to herself.

I stomp up to get closer to the ring and slam my fist down on the mat. "If you can't keep your shit together and fight then get out of my ring... _Initiate_." I bark out at her.

I don't know how much good it will do and if it will get through to her but at least it gets her attention enough that she avoids the next few hits. I start to breathe a little easier when I see she isn't just freaking walking into his attacks like she had been before.

The tension in me eases, even more, when I realize that her retreats and strikes are much better thought out. Relief and even pride start to build inside me when I catch a good look and see that she is completely focused now. Her eyes are clear and calculating as they watch Drew.

" _Strength comes from an indomitable will, not physical capability_."

Her voice has a strange quality to it; flat and almost robotic. If she's using taunts as a tactic, that's an odd choice.

Drew hesitates just a second, looking like he can't tell if she was trying to insult him or not before he goes at her again. I watch as she seems to dance away, her head tilted and looking at Drew intently with an expression I can't place.

" _Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do_."

The words are said in that same tone again but they aren't as faint as they were before. They are said more firmly, with confidence ringing in them that the first ones were missing. That confidence seems to carry over to her fighting as her movements become more fluid and focused.

A tingle of apprehension starts to rise in me. I watch with that growing in and by the third time she speaks, I know that these aren't taunts, or at least they weren't meant to be but she's now using them as if they are. Once she saw how Drew responded to her speaking she decided to use it as a tactic as well.

" _Absorb what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own_."

It's seconds later after she intones this, in that same emotionless tone, that she strikes in a move so smooth and brutal it's like watching a completely different person up there. But by this time I recognize it for what is even if it's being used in a way I've never seen or heard of before.

She's just popped Drew's knee out of socket then elbowed him in the face hard enough to have blood coming out, telling me it's most likely broken and shoved him away from her while leaping back. That's just in time to avoid a wild swing while he bellows and curses her.

Something in her expression shifts and time seems to stand still as I watch everything I feared would be true about her confirmed right in front of my eyes. She almost looks pleased and grim all at the same time when she speaks the words that put the nail in the coffin on my doubts of her divergence.

_"Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself."_

I watch the next few minutes only half in the present. I know this will be over quickly and I'm still processing what I just confirmed.

That Kat  _is_  divergent.

Her actions, using a form of meditation to focus, aren't in themselves enough to confirm it but when added into everything else I know and have observed about her, it does. My mind is already racing thinking about the cameras and footage of the fights. Anyone in the know of what to look for in divergents that watches this will be suspicious.

Being able to use this technique in the middle of a fight is alarming enough but doing it vocally, and selecting the mantras she did. It's way too fucking telling for my comfort.

It was like she was answering all the emotional turmoil she had going on inside with them, which indicates Candor. The fact that she knew and was successful in using meditation in the first place indicates Erudite. Facing the pain and pushing through the fear and anger of watching her sister is clearly Dauntless. And the fact that I watch her end the fight quickly and precisely tells me she was trying to do this without causing more pain than absolutely necessary, which indicates Abnegation.

The combination of traits she used in the span of minutes is astounding. It's also scary as hell and leaves me shaken to my core when I realize that not only does this mean Kat is divergent but it likely means she's highly divergent. Making her everything Jeanine wants most and will stop at nothing to get.

The thought of what Jeanine would do to her if she ever got her hands on Kat leaves me seeing red and it's not made any fucking better when I see Kat hasn't made a single move to get up from where she's straddling Drew.

I don't even stop to think as I storm up there full of fury and rip her off him, ready to tear him apart for daring to put his hands on her. Only her cries of pain and the blood on her face stop me from doing that.

I see Four from the corner of my eye making his way to us, knowing he's going to want to take Kat to the clinic. Also knowing there's no damn way that's happening.

"Mark the winner as Kat. Four, think you can manage to call this one?" My orders and taunt are said as I lead Kat from the ring and towards the door of the training room. I don't hear if he even has an answer for me.

Kat is stumbling beside me, making me grit my teeth and resist the urge to just pick her little ass up and carry her to the clinic. She can still walk and I do have at least some sanity in me to know that would be a bad idea right now. I still set a fast pace as I drag her along and mentally curse how far the fucking clinic is from us.

"Eric?" Kat calls while trying to pull from my grasp.

It's identical enough to this morning that I would almost say it's deja vu. Except for this morning, there wasn't the tremor in her voice when she said my name that there was just now.

That's enough to stop me cold and have me spinning to face her. Her eyes are wide and I see fear in them for the first time as she looks at me. My hand tightens around her arm and she winces, making me release her completely and scowl at myself. "Fuck," I reach out for her, gently gripping her shoulders and pulling her closer. "I'm sorry, I didn't…" I stop in the middle of my apology, unable to take the apprehension in her eyes anymore.

"Are you scared of me, Kat?"

"A little, yes."

I don't know what bothers me the most, that she so truthfully admitted this to me or the fact that she is even remotely afraid of me.

I grind my teeth together and look around then lead her to a place where I know there is a blind spot in our surveillance. There are a few places like this all over Dauntless but they're usually used for couples, mostly dependents, that want a bit of privacy they can't get elsewhere.

Once we're there, I face her.

"Did it occur to you that maybe you should have lied when I asked you that question, Kat? That maybe admitting you're afraid, especially to someone like me, could be a big mistake?" I grit out in anger and hurt that she feels that way.

Her back is against the wall as she leans on it, hunched over just a little with a frown on her face and her nose scrunched up. "Truthfully, I wouldn't have hesitated to lie to anyone else about that, Eric." She stops and takes a deep breath and winces a little. "But there are few reasons why didn't."

"Which are?" I seethe.

"One, the fact that I know I'm a terrible liar and it would have made things worse with you if I had tried." She looks at me with her lips twisted in a wry smile that I don't feel up to returning. Then she clears her throat and continues. "But the main reason is that I wasn't afraid to admit that, my fear, not to you."

Sincerity and truthfulness are clear in her soft words for me. Combined with the fact that whatever fear or apprehension she had been feeling is gone from her eyes, it's enough to leave me speechless for a few seconds. Breathless even. It causes me to feel something so strong and fierce for her that it takes everything in me not to press her against that wall and kiss her until she can feel everything her words meant to me that I can't express in words. Until she's as breathless and speechless from my kiss, to make her feel everything that trust and faith she's placed in me makes me feel.

It also makes me wonder if it can be real. After being how I had to be and showing her that side of myself, how can she feel that way?

"Kat, do you meant that...even after I…"

"Saw how angry you were at me for failing you and myself? For not being able to keep my shit together when I needed it most. For almost proving everyone right about how I'm not cut out to be here. To be Dauntless."

She spits this all out, apparently completely disgusted with herself, and interrupts me from finishing my question. My mouth snaps shut and I shake my head in disbelief at how fast she just switched gears and emotions. More importantly, disbelief that she's totally disregarding my behavior but completely being over critical of her own.

While I know her critiques of herself aren't all wrong, that's not what I need to hear right now. That's not what I'm worried and focused on in this moment. I need to know she's not just saying that to evade talking about or admitting she might feel disgust for me. She says she's a terrible liar so maybe this is her way of not having to lie.

"Even after I showed you just how bad I can be. After I showed you how I am to almost everyone but those closest to me, but even they aren't exempt from catching it from time to time."

She's quiet for what feels like forever before she sighs and looks up at me and gives me a soft understanding smile.

"Eric, before you transferred over, did you learn everything you could about Dauntless? Did you learn about everyone that would be in charge of training and hold your fate in their hands or did you go into things blind?" Her tone is as soft as her smile but it's her implications that take me by surprise and leave me feeling uneasy.

I realize that she's heard things from Four about me but I didn't realize just how much she knew. It makes me wonder else she might now.

"If you know I was a transfer then you also know where I transferred from and our way was to prepare for anything."

She nodded and winced as she tried to straighten up, clutching at her side and taking a wheezing breath as she goes to speak again. "I knew what to expect coming here. I learned as much as I could from what we had available at school and everything else was what I learned from listening around. Lynn also told me what our trainers would be like, how they would have to be. You can't afford to be our friend when you're trying to teach us the skills that will keep us alive."

She tries to smile again but it just comes out as a grimace and she can't stop her groan though I know she tries when she bites her lip.

My gut clenches hard at the reminder that she's fucking hurt and I'm sitting here keeping her here, trying to talk about our feelings.

"Fuck," I growl and reach for her, slipping my arm around her waist to let her lean on me. "I'm going to get you to the clinic, Kat." She nods and we start to walk along to the clinic when I think about who should be on staff there.

I know Shauna should still be there, during fights the clinic has an ' _all hands on deck'_  level of staffing. I know I'll feel better with Shauna being the one to see to her since there are a few of the nurses that I've always suspected report to Erudite, specifically Jeanine.

Then another thought strikes me and I grimace as I look at Kat. "Kat, when we get to the clinic you are to go  _nowhere_  near Peter again. He'll be there while you are but you are to stay away. Do understand?" I order her forcefully.

I need her to stay away and safe until I can take care of him myself but it's also to keep her from going at him again. I don't trust her to not lose it again when she's around him and that brief fire that lit in her eyes as soon as I said his name is enough to let me know I'm right.

She looks down and winces. "I kinda went crazy, didn't I?"

I simply nod with my lips thinned. "We'll talk about that later. Just add it to the list." I glance at her and see her nod back. "Getting you looked at comes first."

She blushes and bites her lips but doesn't object as we continue on to the clinic.

* * *

My plans to have Shauna looking after Kat almost don't seem like their going to happen when we step through the door of the clinic. Staff is bustling to and from different areas and there are a lot of beds taken up at the moment and from what I see, none of them are the initiates.

I forgot that there were reports of more incidents of drunken fights and falls around Dauntless since the choosing ceremony. Max has been bitching about the number of Patrol units off their rotations that have decided to come back to Dauntless this year.

I don't understand what the big deal is for them to be here during it when it's not like training is a spectator sport really. Sure, the members can and do show up in the Dauntless-born training room to watch it from time to time, especially during fights, but the rest of the time it's boring as shit. The part at the end of it is another matter but that's weeks away.

Looking at the clinic, I get Max's ranting emails about the nonsense he was putting up with while I was away. This is enough to have me start sending death glares at the guys I recognize. With one look promising them pain in their very near future as I stalk further into the room with Kat close to my side and search for a Shauna, or hell just a free nurse.

One walks by me, probably going somewhere since she has her hands full, but she's there and I'm impatient. She stops in her tracks with one look from me.

"Where are the initiates being treated at? This one needs to be seen too immediately." I demand from her since I don't see any of them, transfer or Dauntless-born, in the beds in this area.

"When we got a count for the number of initiates expected this year, we were given permission to set up beds in the old surgery section. They're all in there."

I grunt my approval and then motion for her to lead the way. Kat is silent and looking around at everything beside me. I've put a little space between us while still holding her arm and helping her to walk along.

Once, so long ago now that it was even before Max's time, Dauntless had its own little staffed hospital. It was better equipped with fully trained Dauntless personnel that could handle major things along with with the minor things that the clinic we now have handles. I guess, with the lack of Dauntless being able to get qualified as well as lack of budget to run it, this became another thing that was lost to us. I've heard that there was a push to open it back up again when Max first became a leader but because of the new meds and serums, it was dropped.

The reasoning seemed sound and logical to anyone that wasn't dealing with things that simply injecting those serums wouldn't prevent or heal. Things like the attack I was just in. I got lucky that Erudite had someone close to be able to tend to me and not only get the nanite filled serum injected into me to start holding off any more damage but had the training to do all the things a good medic should do. Had they not been there and I was just transported to the Erudite hospital without that medical help along the way, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here right now.

I think I spot Shauna near a curtained-off section and breathe out an internal sigh of relief.

That's one problem solved. I pull Kat up short and wait for Shauna to join the three of us as soon as she spotted us too.

"She needs to be looked at and I want her kept away from the guy that Four just brought in. Make sure he stays the fuck away from her too unless you want to be held responsible for a few deaths."

The nurse we came in blanches and nods frantically while Shauna gives me a brief glare but nods firmly. "Four already said to keep him separate from the girl he came in with." She looks at Kat and her expression softens just a little but I can see the worry in it too. Kat is holding her side and trying not to show how much she's hurting or how bad her breathing is right now.

She's also bristling at my demands and probably how I'm talking about her like she's not there. The mention of her sister does seem to bring her out of that and she looks at Shauna with pleading eyes.

"Can I be near my sister at least?"

I can tell Shauna is about to agree before she looks at me and hesitates. I see no reason to deny her, hell it'll probably make sure Kat does what she's supposed to.

In fact….

An idea hits me and I fully take advantage of the request to solve the problem. I feel a pleased as shit grin well up inside of me that I hold in, instead I allow a smirk. "I'm fairly certain that both of the female initiates will end up here in the clinic overnight but Peter will be released as soon as he finds the ability to walk. Those two do  _not_  leave this clinic before the morning. Am I clear?"

Kat stiffens and I feel her glare without even looking. She isn't happy and I honestly don't care right now. This keeps her out of the dorms and under watchful eyes of the staff and other methods for me to keep an eye on her, like the cameras that are lacking in the dorm.

It also, quite conveniently, solves the problem of her scheduled time with Four tonight.

"Understood." Shauna agrees with what looks like her own smirk before she turns away and guides Kat over to a free bed beside her sister.

I watch as Kat disappears behind the partially open curtain and try not to scowl at what having to let her go and watch her disappear makes me feel. As soon as I lost contact with her, all the rage I had been holding at bay just so I could get her taken care of rushes back in. It's like just her being near and her touch can keep my beast at bay but with her gone, it needs an outlet.

I stand there for a few seconds with clenched fists and fight myself on going towards where I hear her voice. She's talking to her sister and Shauna until I hear Shauna firmly telling her she needs to be looked at and Tris is fine.

"I can't believe what that asshole did you, Tris." I hear her spit out, anger laced with guilt.

I don't hear what Tris says in response because the reminder of Peter gives me the thing I need most right now. Someone to let all this rage out on.

I search out the beds and find Peter behind another curtained off area on the opposite side of the room.

It looks like they're trying to keep all the male initiates brought in on one side and the females on another. Dauntless does tend to go co-ed for most things but here in the clinic they always tried to give the two sexes separation for matters that might not want to be aired so publicly. I'm sure they are also much more sensitive to the needs of transfers who aren't used to this style of living.

I find him in a bed behind a curtain that's at the very end of the opposite side of the room from where Kat and her sister are. It seems they followed Four's order perfectly and for once I don't give a shit because it suits my purposes.

A nurse was just stepping out of his area and pulled the curtain shut, but I caught a glimpse of him laying in the bed with his eyes closed and moaning even under the influence of whatever they gave him for the pain. His hand is laid lightly and protectively over where Tris landed her most vicious hit.

"Status of the initiate?" I ask calmly despite how I'm seething inside.

"Oh, he'll live. He won't feel up to any romantic relations for some time and will have a hell of a time if tries anytime soon, but he'll live. Apparently, he decided it was a great idea to get a piercing during fights. Didn't think that it would matter since it wasn't visible." She lets out a choked laugh at the end before biting her lip to hold in any more laughter.

Outwardly, I raise an eyebrow in disbelief. Inside I'm both laughing and shaking my damn head at the stupidity of that particular line of thought. Not that I'm going to complain about the result because it puts him in a prime position to be…susceptible...to my brand of persuasion.

I watch as the nurse moves off after a nod from me, shaking her head and quietly chuckling, then slip in through the curtain, making sure its pulled firmly closed and I have all the privacy I need. I also slide one of my knives from a pocket.

I know the exact moment he realizes he's not alone and that it's not the nurse. His eyes pop open and a wicked grin slithers across my face when he registers the blade of my knife being pressed against his throat.

"You and I are going to have a little chat, Peter. I'm going to make you an offer, and it would be in your best interest to  _not_  refuse it." I drawl out in a silky and deadly manner.

His eyes widen even more and his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows heavily, making the knife press slightly against his skin. He gives me a small nod letting me know I have his attention.

What he doesn't know is I'm just getting started to make sure I have his full attention and just what I'm capable of doing to get it, and his agreement. That thought makes my wicked grin turn downright feral in pleasure.

* * *

Staying in the clinic after I got Peter sorted was out of the question. I hung around just long enough to check in with Shauna and give her a few orders that she was told she better keep to herself before I had to leave.

It ended up that Kat sustained bruised ribs, a slight contusion, her left eye was severely swollen and would be black, and a few dislocated fingers that had to be popped back into place. Her nose wasn't actually broken just bloodied.

It was still more than she should have gotten in the first place but as Zach pointed out when he heard, at least her ribs hadn't been broken or a lung punctured like I admitted I worried originally worried about.

With our meds that could accelerate healing she would recover fairly fast but it would still leave her in severe pain. She was, of course, refusing heavy pain medications. It upset Shauna so badly that I could hear them arguing about it while I was still with Peter. Which might be why I gave her an order for her to slip them in when she could. She looked torn between wanting to refuse and being grateful that she knew she couldn't.

Kat's fight was one of the last few but I still had some business to take care of.

First was informing Four she wouldn't be available to serve her punishment.

Next was making sure that she would  _never_  serve her punishment with him.

I realize that when Kat gets word of this, she's probably going to take it less than kindly. However, Max agreed when I pointed out that she's already serving punishments with me every morning until the end of initiation or until she gets cut, whichever comes first. I also might have hinted that if Four was so worried about making sure she got the proper message I could always increase the level of intensity during mine. Four didn't care for that suggestion but since Max just chuckled and agreed he couldn't say anything either.

Chase showed up at the end of my meeting with Max and Four to report the days training, status of initiate injuries, and plan for the following day. I requested and received permission to map out the next round of fights, which wouldn't be happening tomorrow because there's a field trip for all the initiates scheduled.

Once he heard where Kat was and how bad she was, he went to the clinic to check on her himself. I couldn't go, for obvious reasons, but he came to my apartment much sooner than I thought he would.

It turned out she was still refusing pain meds and he couldn't sit there watching her do that to herself. Now I'm glad that I can't go. I know I would just get too angry and say or do something that would upset her without meaning to really.

There's no point in going to the dining hall if Kat isn't going to be there so we decide to do what we would have done before she got here and I busied making us some dinner. It just so happens dinner is the pasta dish Zach mentioned Kat really liking the first time she had it for dinner in the dining hall. I made it, knowing that Zach was wanting to take her something to eat, and that mine would be a hell of a lot better than that one had been.

Zach and Chase are at the table watching his laptop and the footage of both Tris' fight and Kat's. I couldn't describe either of them properly and I wanted their honest opinions before I gave mine, so I suggested they watch it and refused to tell them about what I saw.

I had another reason for this. I needed to know if they saw what I did with Kat. And if they did, I wanted to gauge how they would handle this knowledge of what she is. I know where I stand. I think I know where they are going to as well. But the decision that's lurking in the back of my mind, the road I'm about to take...it's not one I can just choose for my brothers. They have their own reasons for their beliefs and the reason we've taken on the roles we have. Theirs are just as personal as mine. So it's with no small amount of nervousness that I keep making dinner and wait for them to finish.

When they do, they sit in silence for a while before Zach looks at me. "Is it ready?" He asks quietly, with no hint of what he's thinking or how he feels.

I nod and he gets up and comes into the kitchen. He takes out two of my storage containers that I use for my lunches sometimes when I know I'm going to be stuck in my office or don't want to bother with the dining hall.

"I'm going to go down and check on her and take both the sisters something to eat." He informs me and ignores my slight grunt of disapproval. He starts filling one container and I do the other, making sure that it has the biggest chunks of chicken and extra cheese.

He just smirks at me and shakes his head before gathering them up and sighing before looking at me. He loses the amusement. "I need to see her." I give a small nod of understanding and he leaves silently.

Chase has already packed up his laptop and cleared the table for us to eat at. Once we have our plates and are sitting, I decided I can't wait for Zach to get back. I have to know where Chase stands at least.

"Were you able to get all the footage of their fights?"

Chase was pushing his food around on the plate and staring off into space but he stopped this at my question and looks at me. "I made sure to pull any footage from the cameras in that room whether they picked up any of the fights or not. I figured erasing either of the girls' fights would be bad, so there are now corrupted bits from everyone's matches with the cameras getting worse towards the end, specifically Kat's fight. It will look like the cameras are going to shit in that training room and are in need of repair. They've been on the list to be replaced for a while now so it won't raise suspicions."

I nod thoughtfully. I know I'm being more paranoid than normal here but I don't want to take any chances. Jeanine and the other leaders involved wouldn't be looking for divergence this early in training, not really. That's to say they don't really expect any large signs of it and count on the instructors or members that are helping out to report specific things they are told to look for.

I don't think Four would report what happened, what really happened, to Max. He didn't in the meeting but there's nothing to stop him from going behind my fucking back and doing it after I left. It's better to make sure that any evidence of it was gone or at least not clear enough to gain anything from it.

"So you saw something that should be of concern?" I ask him, not even trying to look casual as I cross my arms over my chest and wait for him to answer.

He's rigid in his chair and he shrugs stiffly. "I did."

I want to scream in frustration at that short answers that don't give me a hint of how he feels about what he saw but I get what he's not saying by how carefully he said what he did.

He knows and figured it out just like I did. Maybe he always knew as well and never said just like I never did. For the same reason I never did. How do you admit to your brother that you're falling for the enemy, especially when you know he has too?

Yeah, I know he stepped aside but I also know that he cares for her just as much as I do. I know that given half a chance he would love to be the one that has her. Those pictures he took of her, they weren't just for me.

I couldn't tell him what I suspected before today and now the best I could do was let him watch it and get his opinion and thoughts, untainted by my bias, but now I need to know.

"And?"

"The footage...and suspicions, those don't confirm anything. I need to know what you want to do if it's true. Before I say another word on the matter, I need to know what you intend to do. Give me that at least." His words are calm enough, though there is a bit of him pleading at the end, otherwise, there still isn't a hint of what I'm needing from him.

I stay quiet for a moment debating how to answer him, or how truthfully. I realize that I do owe him the full truth and we always promised to never keep anything from each other. It's what bonded us together so deeply when we realized how much we were going to need to rely on each other to do what we thought needed to be done. But that's exactly why I hadn't come out and told them after that first night she got here. Because, I knew even back then, that I would have to make a choice soon. To either turn my back on everything I thought I believed in and had done so many things for and possibly my brothers as well. Or turn my back on Kat and everything she could or does mean to me.

"Before Kat came along, I wouldn't have hesitated to do what I thought was my duty and what I thought was the right thing to do. I wouldn't have hesitated in thinking that she was exactly the threat that I, no that we have been told she is. But she did come along and I've got to tell you, things that I once thought were absolutely true and perfectly reasonable, aren't making a hell of a lot of sense right now. I don't know. Maybe she is a threat. Maybe she's a threat in a completely different manner than I've been led to believe and that scares Jeanine and Erudite for some reason." I shake my head and shrug a little as I look at him seriously. "I just don't fucking care. I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep her safe, Chase. That's what I intend to do."

Chase lets the breath he must have been holding in and nods. "You know what this would mean if we're found out, right?"

My shoulders sag a little with the weight of doubt relieved from them, knowing that he's with me on this. I shouldn't have doubted him but I didn't know if his bond with me and his feelings for Kat would be enough to go against our faction as well as Jeanine and the cards she holds too. I know I shouldn't be as grateful as I am that we both want the same girl, but I am. Even if I know that at some point, things are going to come to head between us, that's a worry I'll handle another day.

"I know. I don't know what this means for us in the big picture of things and what we're going to do about all the scheme and plans going on. I figure the first thing is just to get her through fucking initiation." I shake my head and let out a silent groan realizing what a task that's going to be after today.

"Well, one aspect of it's been addressed at least. Do you think that you got through to the little asshole?" Chase growls as he finally takes up his fork and loads it up with some chicken tetrazzini.

"Going by how he literally pissed himself as I described to him what would happen if he failed to do as I asked? I'm going to say my  _incentive_  will help keep him in line." I grin wickedly and pick up my own fork then work on the salad as my appetite starts to return.

Chase chuckles darkly and we eat a bit more in silence while we both think things over.

"You never said, but what was in Kat's aptitude that was cause for concern enough to get Jeanine's attention? I looked it up and it just had her listed as Dauntless but it wasn't a manual entry like most of them are that are flagged for us to watch out for." I know the wheels in his mind are turning as much as mine were when I found this out too. Trying to determine how best to handle it, especially when the time for sims come up.

"I was able to get access to watch it. Unlike the others that are manually entered, hers wasn't deleted. It's not complete and at the end, it shuts off abruptly. So I did some digging into the code itself and it looks like there was a cascading failure in the program until the entire station malfunctioned."

"Wait," Chase says with a frown "Kat caused that?"

I shake my head to deny it but I'm really not so sure.

"No, at least I don't think so anyway. At least not all of it. I think that the person administering the test detected something off about it early on and started to alter things. Watching the sim it would be difficult to see the signs unless you already knew what to look for or maybe had seen something like it before. What I saw in the code was that the system was cycling through the factions and scenarios so fast that it was like it couldn't keep up with Kat. So maybe they were pushing the system harder to try and narrow things down or head to one specific result. If they caused it, they were as smart as hell. By everything I saw it looks like the degradation and failure was in the program itself and not the user or terminal. It also showed that the result for every scenario ended with Dauntless, even if other results were mixed in among there, it took Dauntless as being the most consistent thought pattern and logged it as her result."

"And Jeanine is getting away with still having her on the list?" Chase asks looking and sounding as angry and disgusted as I feel about it.

There are a lot of people that are in on this bid to rid the city of divergents and not all of them have the best reasons for it. The one thing that made me feel better, helped me sleep at night in the beginning at least, was that Max always had the policy that without proof to back up the suspicion then we would not be handing over our people to Erudite.

We never just hand someone over on Jeanine's say so. At least, we hadn't yet but things have taken a turn for the worse over the years. With no choosing for the past several years, the search has been sent elsewhere and there have been cases where someone was handed over that there was no proof of beforehand. That usually came after they had been taken to Erudite to be tested and that always came back positive.

"Of course. She's going to use whatever excuse she can manage to get ahold of Kat and her sister." I sneer the reply and push food around on my plate. "I wouldn't be surprised if Tris is just as high as I suspect Kat is, Chase. If Jeanine gets a whiff of that she won't wait until fear sims and there's a strong chance she'll go behind Max's back to get them."

"So, we're back to the question of what we're going to do about this? Think about it, do you really think we're going to be able to save Kat and then just hand her sister over, Eric? You saw her during that fight. She won't let that happen and if it does and she finds out we had any part in it…" He trails off leaving the rest unspoken.

I've seriously been putting off thinking like that. I don't want to think about having to save anyone but Kat. I don't really care to if I'm being truthful here. As fucked up as that and I might be, I can't wrap my mind around expanding my willingness to risk my neck for anyone besides my brothers and Kat. But I know what it will do to her and that I would lose her in one way or another if I don't include her sister in my plans.

Is keeping her safe, having her by my side, worth abandoning everything I've believed and fought for?

For a second I sit quietly mulling this over when I realize that there's a bigger question that I haven't been willing to ask myself.

And that's, do I even believe any of that anymore. Had I ever believed it or was I pointed to a target and told they were to blame, then released to unleash all my grief and rage on them? I never once questioned it at the time. I was too angry and lost and didn't care to dig too deep.

Maybe that's the reason why I've felt so hollow and dead to this cause I've been working for before now. It wasn't just that I was bored with life or weighed down with work and had no time to find anything to enjoy. It's because after the first few years the rage that fueled me to carry out my orders started to fade. For years that enemy I've been ordered to hunt and eliminate hasn't acted how I've been told the enemy should be. That constant ' _danger to our system'_ , hasn't been the very real danger our faction struggles with day to day and year to year.

Whatever I might be thinking or doubting about that, there was one thing I know and I'm sure about. Kat has been the key to unlocking something in me and I need to start getting answers to all my questions. Starting with where and who Kat came from.

"Chase, stick close to Kat and her group when you guys go to the fence tomorrow. I have to go to the council meeting at the hub while you guys are gone."

"What are you going to do?" Chase asks quietly.

"What I do best. I'm going to get the truth and I'm going to start with a conversation with someone that's supposed to an enemy. I'm done following orders on flimsy excuses and no evidence and that's all they have had about Abnegation so far."

"You're going to talk to her dad." He states with a nod before taking another bite.

I shrug and go back to eating. "It's not like I expect to get all of the answers right away but I'm hoping it might be a start."

"Zach said he's actually had decent conversations with Andrew when he's encountered him before. He might have some suggestion about how to approach him."

I nod and grunt a little as I eat, knowing that I'm going to need all the suggestions I can get to not screw this up. Years of prejudice and hatred aren't going to go away overnight even with Kat's influence. But it's time I started to ask questions again, to think for myself like I was taught. I'm quickly becoming far from the perfect leader and soldier I had been.

That remains to be seen if it's a good or bad thing.


	20. Dazed And Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning afters are never pleasant but hers seems to be the worst. Kat's stay at the clinic with her sister sees them resolving the tension from the day before as she explains her actions. We get a better look at what Kat thinks Peter's life before Dauntless looked like and Tris' reaction to that. Then it's time for Kat to face the music, or rather, Eric and the guys. What will he have in store for her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a brief note here. Going over the chapters I noticed that a very important one was missing and I have since corrected that. The chapter titled Breathe-Chapter 14 Into Me has been uploaded and if you have not read it before I suggest you go back and check it out. This is Eric's perspective and reaction to his apology for Kat and the aftermath of all that. Hope you guys enjoy it!

**Chapter 19 - Dazed and Confused**

 

**_Kat_ **

 

_ This bed feels amazing. _

 

The giddy thought floats in my mind in the quiet that the night brings to the clinic. There’s the occasional moan or groan from one of the other initiates that are staying overnight like Tris and I are, though there aren’t many of those. There is a Dauntless-born girl that Lynn put in the clinic during their match and a couple of the guys that had each other as opponents and went until they both fell unconscious. 

 

I don’t know about the others but I’m floating like a cloud right now after getting the meds I allowed myself to be talked into. 

 

They were supposed to be just some more of the healing stimulant, some light anti-inflammatory, and a sleep med. I had a strong suspicion as Shauna kept adding syringes filled with one med or another for her to push into the temporary IV in my arm, that she was adding much more than just what I agreed to.

 

I could have argued and almost did but I remembered how upset Tris got when I kept refusing. How she even pushed her own meds away and said if I was refusing mine then she would too. So of course, there was no way I was going to let her do that. 

 

Then there was the visit from Zach, who brought us both dinner. Tris had been resting again by the time he showed up and barely ate a few bites before she needed to rest again. She was worse off than me and Shauna said that’s normal but I was still worried. 

 

Zach kept me company while I ate, chatting with me about simple things. He was always willing to talk about his work and what he did with Candor. It was a surprise to me when I found out he actually transferred in from Candor the year before Eric and Chase came along. It was an even bigger surprise to learn that Chase was from there too. 

 

I hadn’t been able to hold my shouted exclamation, stammering out  _ ‘but you two are so nice’ _ . This highly amused both of them. 

 

Work chat turned to chat about training and that turned into my fight and injuries. Ultimately, after Zach had looked at me with what I can only call puppy dog eyes and mentioning that Eric and Chase were worried sick about me being in pain and not allowing myself to be treated, I gave in and agreed to a few of them and something for sleep.

 

He left just as dinner was ending and the other’s came by to see us. It got really loud and chaotic for a while as our two beds were surrounded by our respective friends. Shauna had to kick everyone out well before lights out was going to be called and now it’s just us and a few nurses in this section of the clinic.

 

“How you doing, Kat?” Shauna asks from beside me. She’s still working on getting the last few syringes emptied into me. 

 

“ _ Fanntastic _ ,” I reply and giggle a little causing her to chuckle. “You put happy juice in there didn’t you, Mis Shauna.”

 

“I guess you could call it that. It certainly makes me happy to not see you in pain when there’s no reason to be.” She says with a wry grin and slowly eases the plunger of the next syringe so that the meds go through the short little tube into the vein.

 

“Makes me happy too,” Tris mumbles from her bed. She’s not out yet but since she got her meds first I’m sure that’s going to be soon.

 

I’m too floaty and spaced out to feel what I might normally feel at all of that. Guilt for making everyone so upset. Anger that I was forced into getting it to make others happy. Panic at the fact that my body is completely out of my control right now.

 

All I can manage in response is a weak sarcastic “Yay me,” 

 

I don’t get a response back from either Shauna or Tris but I don’t care. This cloud is way too comfortable and I snuggle into it before it floats away from me.

  
  


* * *

 

 

I wake up to the sound and feel of my wristwatch alarm doing its buzzing, beeping thing. I don’t know if I’m as thankful right now for the feature I had been so happy about when I bought it. I slide a hand down my wrist and feel for the button that will stop both those annoying things then let my hand flop back onto the bed beside me.

 

I feel like I’ve been run over by a train right now. Even with the stuff that can accelerate our healing process, I was warned that I would feel like complete and utter shit for the next several days. 

 

The masochist in me is whispering that this is exactly what I need so that it will serve as a reminder of my failure. Oddly enough, the pain also helps some with the guilt. It’s this weird compensation that helps soothe my guilty conscious because I know I’m punishing myself. So every wince, twinge, ache, throb, and twist of pain is my just punishment. A physical reminder and incentive to never let it happen again. 

 

It takes a while, but I work up the motivation and the steam to get moving. Today there is no group training. I was informed by Zach during his visit that all the initiates, both Dauntless-born, and transfer, will be going on some field trip today. There might be no group training but I’m still determined to follow my routine and do my own.

 

The act of sitting up in bed causes me to groan and gasp for breath when the pain hits but I finally manage to make it up. I look around me, taking in everything that I can make out through the dim lights and with one swollen eye. 

 

It seems like everyone, including my sister, is still asleep with how quiet it is in here. I shift my feet and start to pull them towards my body so I can swing them over the side but I feel a weight on them I hadn’t noticed before. I squint to see what the lump at the end of my bed is and find it’s a pile of folded clothes with my shoes beside it.

 

I reach forward and drag them closer to me, my hand closing around a note that was on top of the pile. I put that aside for the moment to take stock of what I now have to wear and frown slightly when I see it isn’t exactly something I would work out in. 

 

The clothes look new and aren’t ones that I had gotten for myself or that my friends gave to me when I got here. However, the simple t-shirt and sweatpants look more in line with something Mar called lounging clothes and pointed out ones like this for me to get but that I passed on so I could conserve my points. 

 

_ Shauna was the one to take my clothes when she ordered me to get in this damn hospital gown. Maybe she got Lynn to bring me something? _

 

I look over at Tris’ bed and search to see if there are for clothes for her too. I don’t see any on her bed or on the chair that’s between us. I seriously doubt any of my friends would bring me something and forget about my sister. They might not have known her for as long, so aren’t as close as we are, but they seem to have fully accepted her into the group. Besides that, I know that at least Mar would have had the thought that it would hurt Tris’ feelings and upset me if they did that. So these can’t be from my friends.

 

Remembering the paper, I find it again and look to see what it might tell me.

 

_ ‘Don’t think you’re getting out of what’s expected this morning. Dauntless-born training room. If you want coffee, be on time.’ _

 

There’s no name but there doesn’t need to be. The way it’s worded is exactly what I would expect of Eric. I don’t know what to feel about the note. Words on a page don’t tell me what he might be thinking or if he’s still as angry as he was when I saw him stalking from the clinic last night or worse if he’s like he was just after my fight. 

 

I wasn’t lying when I told him that I was scared. Looking back on it now, I don’t know if the fear was of  _ him _ or having failed him so badly. There is a small part of me that has that fear even now. Enough that I spend a few seconds contemplating staying right here even knowing that would likely make things worse because he would know.

 

I sigh and gingerly get off the bed, pulling my clothes with me and making my way to the bathroom. A nurse appears from nowhere it seems and tries to force me back into bed until I tell her that I was given specific orders to be there for my morning punishment with Eric. 

 

Then I asked her if she would like to be the one to tell him why I wasn’t there. Needless to say, she had the IV from my arm and scooted me to the bathroom to get dressed in seconds after that. Thankfully completely forgetting that she had just been insisting on doing an examination to make sure I could be released. I didn’t want to risk her finding anything to keep me here and that meant keeping my mouth shut about whatever pain I’m in.

 

Moving around still hurts but I manage and it gets a bit easier after I get started. So by the time I’ve made it back over to where my sister is still sleeping I’m fairly certain I’ll manage not passing out for now.

 

I wish I didn’t have to wake her, that she could stay here and let her body heal, but I know that’s not possible. Even though we aren’t going to be doing any training, neither of us can afford to miss out on  _ any _ part of our initiation. Too many people are looking to use anything to take us out of the running. 

 

Sighing wearily I reach out and gently shake my Tris awake. She starts groaning before her eyes are even open, sounding exactly like I did when I woke up. 

 

“Hrnn,” She moans and finally cracks her eyes open. When they focus on me the moan turns into a drawn-out groan. “Oh god, Kat. It wasn’t all a dream.”

 

“I’m afraid not, sis. We look quite the pair right now.” I reply with a chuckle and shaking my head ruefully.

 

“I can’t imagine what everyone is going to say if I look anywhere near as bad as you. You’re all black and purple, Kat. Maybe they will just think we have the plague or something.” She’s still laying there while I pulled up the chair between our beds and scoot closer, knowing it was going to take a bit for her to be able to even sit up. 

 

She reaches out a hand, trying to gently probe the side of my face with the black eye and swollen cheekbone. I think her sight might be as off as mine because all she ends up doing is jabbing a finger in my eye.

 

“Fuck!” I hiss and bat her hand away then cover that eye protectively. “Damn, Tris. I know you were pissed about yesterday and all, but you don’t have to add to the damage.”

 

“Shit. I’m sorry, Kat.” She gasps out as she sits up really quickly.

 

I reach out to steady her when she looks like she’s going to pass out. “Telling jokes and now cussing, sis?” I shake my head and give a mock chiding noise. “I guess the way to get you to loosen you up is to beat the shit out of you and dope you up.”

 

She pauses in trying to reach out again and check if she really did do more damage then playfully scowls at me. “Hey! I’m funny. I make jokes all the times. It’s not my fault that most people don’t get sarcasm.”

 

“Maybe you need to actually say these supposed jokes and witty comments out loud instead just in your head,” I reply with a smirk and settle back in my chair.

 

“I’ll take that under advisement,” Tris just sniffs haughtily, with her lips twitching as she tries to get into a better position sitting up. She bites her lip and grimaces then groans. “Today is going to suck even if we aren’t training or fighting.”

 

I nod and debate telling her that I can’t get out of what’s in store for me no matter how I feel. I’m not going to be able to leave without saying something though. “Yeah, it’s not going to be a fun day for either of us. We don’t have to meet the group until 0800 but I have to report to the training room to serve my time. You should get up and start moving around now. It will suck and it’s definitely gonna hurt, but I’ve already started to feel a bit better now that I’ve gotten moving.”

 

I expected her to say something or be angry about me having to report to Eric when I’m hurting like I am right now, but she just sits there looking at me for a few uncomfortable seconds and sighs with a nod. 

 

“I think I’m going to take a shower. That will probably help me feel a little better.”

 

I nod but then a thought strikes me when I think of her going back to the dorm at all much less to shower when I’m not there. “Not in the dorm, Tris,” I say forcefully and grip her hand. “The bathroom I got changed in here has a shower stall in it. Ask the nurse if you can use that. I’ll go get some clothes for you from the dorm and bring them back here.”

 

“You’re worried about Peter?” It’s half statement and half question, and I can only nod in response. She sighs and squeezes my hand a little. “Can you tell me now what that was all about yesterday?” I pull my hand back and drop them into my lap, looking down at them before I give a small nod. “I didn’t hear most of it, I was too far away, but I heard him yelling at you not to talk about his mom.”

 

“I shouldn’t have said what I did to him. Not about his mom, anyway.” I sigh miserably and frown. “Even if it’s true…”

 

“What’s true? Do you know anything about his parents or him? Christina wouldn’t tell me anything. Molly kept giving her a look and I even saw her saying something to her before their fight. I get this feeling it was warning her not to talk.”

 

I screw my face up and process this new information. Was that part of why Christina tried to back out of her fight? I shake my head because that doesn’t make sense, instead, I focus on answering my sisters’ questions. 

 

“I don’t know for sure if any of it is actually true, but I have a really strong feeling it is.”

 

It isn’t easy admitting any of it to my sister but I did. I told her that there was always something about Peter that I couldn’t put my finger on. He reminded me of something or someone. 

 

Of course,  _ now _ I know exactly who he reminds me of but I can’t say that to Tris. I can’t tell her that he reminds me of a young, angry, and lost Tobias Eaton. 

 

But I can remind her of all the cases of women we encountered among the factionless that had a spouse that was less than kind to them or their children. Those ones that we knew were outright abusive or even the ones that we know might never hurt them physically but were abused just the same by what they would say or do to them. 

 

Then I told her about what and why I think of Peter’s mom. That she’s treated to the same but also that she was most likely from Abnegation. It’s hard to put into words why I came to this conclusion when I know so very little about Peter Hayes. I think the biggest part comes from his reaction to us when we got on the train. For a second when Tris had been struggling to get on and I helped her up, there had been a flash of worry in his eyes before they became angry at our presence on the train. At the time, I had forgotten all about that small amount of concern in them and just focused on the negative interaction. 

 

My old faction does not exactly encourage young girls to be strong, outspoken or even empowered at all. Tris and I are like we are because of our mom’s influence. We both had issues making friends with the other kids our age, both girls and boys, because of the fact that we weren’t the meek, subservient girls that seemed to surround us. I can imagine that Peter’s mom was much the same before she transferred. My guess is that she remained that way and never stood up for herself or her son.

 

“I was already feeling bad about what I did but I think that makes me feel even worse,” Tris admits.

 

“ _ You _ don’t have anything feel guilty about here, Tris. You waited until the very last second to use the knowledge you had, it was the only way you were going to stop him from hurting you more.” I take a big breath and continue on. “But, the only excuse I have for saying what I did was because I was scared and pissed off, imagining what he was going to do to you. I thought I could take him down a peg or two but really I just made it worse for you, and I’m sorry Tris.”

 

I look down in shame and feel her hand gripping mine tightly. I look back up to find her looking at me intently. “If I’m not allowed to feel guilty for defending myself then you aren’t allowed to either.”

 

I smile weakly, knowing that we’re secretly going to be feeling it regardless.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the nurse lurking near and looking at me with a panicked expression that I can’t figure out. Then I remember I made such a big deal about using Eric’s name and how I’m supposed to report to him. 

 

She makes her way over to us to check on Tris and see if she’s fit to leave the clinic. I remind Tris about showering there and mention I’ll get her some clothes but at the mention of that, the nurse tells us both they have extra scrubs there that she can wear until she can get new clothes. I take the hint that the nurse doesn’t want there to be anything that can be blamed on her for delaying me. 

 

“Go. I’ll be fine.” Tris waves me away when I still look hesitant.

 

Ultimately, I know I’ve probably already taken way too long and left her there, relieved that she will at least wait a bit until she knows there will be others awake in the dorm before returning.

 

* * *

  
  


I was wrong about it getting easier to move the more I did it. It’s fucking torture and I know it’s taking me entirely too long to get to the Dauntless-born training room. In fact, I know it’s taking me forever because before I can even get halfway there I run into Chase and Zach making their way towards me.

 

Chase sighs when he sees me shuffling along, his face screwed up like he’s the one that feels like an elephant kicked him in the ribs. Zach just smiles at me. I’m sure he’s trying to make it look encouraging, but I can tell by the way his lips are thinned that he’s not liking what he sees either. Still, he tries.

 

“You’re already looking better, Kat.” He says this as the two of them stop right in front of me.

 

Chase shoots a glare at him while also snorting in denial. Which makes Zach glare right back at him, then he reaches out and slaps his friend on the back of his head. 

 

“What? You want me to lie to her? Sorry, that’s not going to happen. She needs to be prepared for how he’s going to react. And Kat, he’s going to flip when he finally sees you.”

 

I groan and bite my lower lip which is a mistake since it’s still split and bruised. “I hoped that sleep would have helped him not be so pissed.”

 

Chase grunts and looks over at me before he motions with his head so that we start walking again. “I’m not sure that it would’ve helped even if we had slept.”

 

I don’t think he means to say this out loud where I can hear it. As it is, it’s barely more than him muttering it but as soon as he says it I look between the two men that have me in between them and notice for the first time the pinched expression and dark circles under their eyes.

 

I couldn’t understand what would keep all three of them up but it most likely had nothing to do with me. 

 

How could it? I mean, yeah, I messed up and got hurt, but I was fine. I was in the clinic and didn’t even fight against the meds they wanted to give me. So what could keep these guys up all night and looking so weighed down as they do?

 

A wave of dizziness sweeps over me when my foot catches on a big chunk of the uneven ground and I almost lose my footing completely. Chase reaches out to wrap an arm around my waist and helps to steady me. I assure them I’m fine and start walking again with Chase still close and his arm around me. I think I hear Zach muttering something like ‘ _ bad idea _ ’ but I’m not sure because I’m still trying to concentrate on breathing evenly without taking too big of a breath and making my ribs hurt. I do notice after a few seconds that Chase has his hands shoved into his pockets and is looking fairly miserable from lack of sleep.

 

“Did you taking anything this morning, Kat?” Zach asks when the training room is finally in sight.

 

“No. I think the only reason the nurse let me leave at all was that I told her I had to report to Eric for my punishment. Once I mentioned his name she couldn’t get me out of there fast enough. I might have overdone the whole intimidation act I was going for.” 

 

“I guess it’s a good thing we thought ahead and got some stuff for you then. Once we get back to the apartment you can shower there since you aren’t going back to the dorm.” 

 

Those were both orders coming from Chase. Part of me wanted to bristle at them. A larger part of me could only focus on where he mentioned me getting to take a shower. 

 

When Tris had mentioned it, I realized how badly I wanted one as well. Shauna had only been able to do a light cleaning up around the areas she needed to treat so I’m still grimy from the day’s workout and fight. 

 

I could accept getting to take a shower there but I’m going reserve my argument about the meds until I find out what it is they’re going to try and cram down my throat.

 

“Hmmm. A shower does sound excellent.” I murmur my agreement when I can tell they’re waiting for some kind of response from me. Then I remember something else that would be just as heavenly as being clean. “Hey!” I look first at Chase then at Zach, checking their hands and confirming they are indeed empty as I scowl. “I was promised coffee.”

 

“Isn’t that cute,” His drawling voice seems to come from nowhere as we enter the training room. “You actually think you’re going to be getting anything after the shit you pulled yesterday?” 

 

I turn my head to see Eric had been leaning against the wall to the side of the doors and I hadn’t seen him as we entered. I don’t need to see his expression to know that it carries anger in it. I can hear it clearly in his tone.

 

He casually pushes away from the wall and starts walking towards me. Once he gets close enough for me to see him clearly, I can see that anger is also combined with worry as he looks me over. 

 

I vaguely feel Zach and Chase moving away but can’t bring myself to take my eyes off Eric as he closes the distance between us. 

 

In books and movies, they have these moments written between lovers where the world seems to melt away from them. Mar gushes about them all the time. Going on about one movie or another that has them. They always made me laugh and wonder if things that happen in real life and how it would feel. 

 

_ They’re real. I’m living my own moment right now _ . 

 

It starts with the air feeling like it’s being sucked out of my lungs. The lights go fuzzy while the people and things around me become just smudges in the dark, there but not at the same time. It sounds like I’m in a tunnel with only the beat of my heart thudding in my ears. It’s like I’m in the in the eye of the storm where everything outside is chaos. The center is him and all those other senses that are muted or put on hold revolve around him. 

 

Another wave of dizziness and being breathless hits me but this time it’s all because of Eric. I stumble a little even though I’m standing still. He reaches out to steady me, though, his touch does anything but steady me as he pulls me close to his body with one arm around my waist. His free hand slides along my jaw until he has my face cradled in it. I gasp to get air back in my lungs, while my hands grip the edges of his open vest for the stability my knees feel like they are suddenly very lacking.

 

“You’re having trouble breathing.” He states as he tilts my head back to look up. His lips are thinning by the second as he gets a better look at me.

 

“I’m...I’m fine,” I softly answer the question and try to pull away from his hold on my face to look away, feeling overcome with how disgusting I must look right now.

 

“You are  _ not _ fine,” He hisses angrily. His hold becoming firm to prevent me from looking away. “ _ This _ …” He moves his hand to brush the back of his fingers gently over the battered areas of my face while shaking his head, the heat from his skin is the only thing I feel because he never actually makes contact with me. “Is not even close to being fine.” 

 

“It may have started out as an excuse but I’m making it official. You will report here every morning where we will work on your focus. This morning, you have a pass. We won’t be training today but do not think this means I’ll go light on you when we start up again. If you ever allow yourself to get hurt like this again, I will not be so kind and I will make what happened to you look like love taps. You will  _ never  _ do that to me again, Kat. Do you understand?”

 

He never raised his voice once, it was all soft but cold and hard, edged with anger. I don’t doubt he means every single word.

 

I swallow hard and swipe my tongue over my lips nervously as I nod. “Yes, Eric.”

 

Something in his eyes changes and, if possible, they go even more intense as they seem to focus on my lips. Then I feel the odd sensation of the pad of his thumb ghosting over where seconds ago my tongue moved across my lips. I wonder if I’m imagining him breathing just a bit harder or how his nostrils flared out as he inhales deeply. 

 

I know for a fact that I am not imagining my own reaction to the simple touch. The pain of my split lip doesn’t stop the tingles from his touch. Any pain I was having with breathing seems to melt away as it picks up along with the racing of my heart. I feel a flush that lets me know I’m blushing but instead of just on my face it feels like its spread all over my body, along with electric jolts of warmth and a building knot of tension in a place that has my eyes widening.

 

My head feels fuzzy and dazed, so maybe that’s why it feels like we’re moving even closer to each other. Whatever that moment may or may not have been is abruptly interrupted as a throat is cleared from somewhere nearby us.

 

Eric blinks a few times while still looking at me then his eyes snap to the guys standing behind me with a glare. No words are spoken but I know something is being silently communicated between them, ending with Eric nodding and stepping back, releasing his hold on me.

 

“We need to head to the apartment. Zach and you will go on ahead, I won’t be far behind.”

 

He was already backing away from me by the time I came back to my senses and managed a nod. Frowning, feeling way to dazed and out of sorts, I made my way to Zach where he stood waiting by the door for me. 

 

Progress to the apartment comes in spurts as I try to push myself to go faster, only to end up leaning against the wall and gasping for breath a little. I hear what sounds like grumbling or growls coming from behind us, where I know Eric and Chase are following along, and I just assume they’re impatient for the delay. So I shove myself away from the wall and try to do a fast walk.

 

“You know, it’s not a weakness to take time to recover or ask for help, Kat. We’ve all been where you are right now.” 

 

I sigh, giving up and lean against the wall for a second and look at Zach. He’s trying to hide his frustration at me but not doing as good of a job keeping it from his expression as he did his tone. 

 

“I don’t think it’s a weakness.” For anyone else, that is. “That’s not why I have a hard time with it.”

 

Zach nods but his expression changes to something I don’t understand before he looks behind us then coming closer. “We can’t talk about it here. Eric will lose his shit if he hears you talking about this again. But you do need to talk to someone about whatever makes you think you deserve the shit you’re doing to yourself, Kat.”

 

Chase and Eric’s steps get closer and I nod a little then take Zach’s arm when he offers it to me to help as we walk the last bit to Eric’s apartment. 

 

I’m glad he didn’t have time to get a promise from me or anything of that nature because I wouldn’t have been able to give him one. 

 

It’s not exactly normal, my refusal of pain medications, not to the level that I do. But, how can I explain something like that or how deeply ingrained it is? Especially when I see how it affects the people around me. It’s not like I completely understand it myself since some of it comes from fear, but I can’t really say what I’m afraid of other than just not being in control. 

 

I’m afraid of being powerless and  _ that _ does make me weak, no matter what anyone says.

 

We don’t talk the rest of the way and it isn’t too much longer before we’re at the door to the apartment and Zach is entering in the code. It shouldn’t feel as good as it does to be here. I just can’t help the way some of my tension seems to ease once I’m inside. 

 

“There are things in the bathroom for you, but I’ll let Eric tell you all about it when he gets here. I’m going to go ahead and get breakfast started. There was a delivery from Amity with some fresh veggies and I thought I would make either a frittata or omelet, what do you think?”

 

I give him my attention again instead of nosing through the books on their shelves and shrug while I laugh at the same time. “Honestly? Food in general sounds awesome and anything that I don’t have to cook is even better. Besides I don’t really know what either of those things is other than breakfast.”

 

“Yeah, their both egg dishes, just prepared in different ways. Either way, they are going to be filled with some of the veggies I picked up. Do you not like to cook or are you just terrible at it?” He looks over his shoulder at me as he delivers the question with a playful smile.

 

I shake my head and shrug. “I’m not terrible at it if you go by Abnegation standards. Food was always pretty boring and bland when I made it. Mom was always good at making things taste pretty good even if it was limited in what she could do to, as they say, spice it up. I guess having to make the same things over and over, none of it very good, just became boring. So, I’m perfectly fine with never having to cook again. Maybe that will pass or maybe I’ll just stick to the dining hall to take care of that particular chore.” 

 

I end with a smirk at him as he looks at me from the kitchen where he is already washing veggies with a laugh. 

 

“Well, since I actually like cooking and Eric doesn’t mind it so much, I think we’ve got you covered. The dining hall is more of a fallback plan.” 

 

By this time Eric and Chase joined us and caught the tail end of the conversation. 

 

“If these two aren’t here to feed me the dining hall is my fall back. Although, there is the pizza place. I lived on that shit for a week when both Zach and Eric were gone to meetings and other bullshit.” Chase said chuckling.

 

Eric just shook his head and joined me over at the bookshelves and raised an eyebrow at the book I was thumbing through. He reached for it with a smirk and put it back on the shelf. “You can borrow it if you want.” Then he looks back at me with his lips turned down in frown when they land on my face. “Let’s get you set up to take a shower and then we can take care of the rest after, Kat.”

 

It doesn’t hit me until he takes my hand to pull me towards it, but the shower is in the bathroom located in his room. I’ve only been to the apartment twice before but had never been inside this room. He has a very small bathroom off the living room that I used both times I had breakfast with them before. 

 

Finding myself suddenly in this most private of spaces, belonging to anyone really, is a shock. It’s too much for my mind to handle that this is  _ Eric’s _ bedroom. My face is in flames and I take a big gulp of breath before we are even through the threshold. Something that very obviously lets him know how I’m feeling about this development. 

 

He chuckles a little but that dies when I completely stop and stand and stare in shock at the massive bed that dominates the room. For all the black sheets and bedding it looks fluffy and amazing. It’s also unmade and looks like he just rolled out of it. An image of him in that bed just seconds ago invades my mind and this weird sound escapes me, causing me to blush even more.

 

“Fuck,” Eric grunts under his breath a little and tugs my hand harder causing me to stumble a little but I follow along while trying to avoid looking at him.

 

The door of the bathroom was half open and he slams the flat of his palm against it sending it flying all the way open. He flicks a hand at switches on the wall and light fills the surprisingly spacious bathroom. I want to take more in but he lets my hand drop and runs it through his hair while he starts talking.

 

“I have towels and bath stuff on the counter for you. Zach’s the one that gave me the list for the bath stuff, so blame him if it smells bad. Toothpaste and toothbrush.” He starts pointing at all the stuff laid out on his long bathroom counter but I can’t look at the stuff when I’m so concerned about his tone and how strained he’s sounding. He catches me looking at him and I swear I see him blush a little before he sighs and his forehead screws up as he walks over to where I see a neat pile of folded clothes. His hand brushes them before he yanks it away and shoves it into his pocket. “There are clothes for you here too. Things we thought would be a little better to wear for the place you guys are going today. Before you get dressed all the way,” he pauses and runs a hand over his face before he huffs and continues. “I have shit that we need to put on you to help your ribs and bruising. Then I’m going to wrap your ribs up and that will help with the breathing.”

 

I’m still blushing like mad, have been since I got to his room, and staring at him stupidly when he stops talking and looks at me. “Umm….okay.” I croak and nod up and down like a lunatic. 

 

_ Cheese and crackers, calm down Kat Prior. The man is trying to make sure you’re taken care of he’s not going to ravish you. _

“I won’t try anything, Kat. I just want to help.” Eric assures me softly.

 

_ And that’s the problem isn’t...you want him to try something, anything, everything... _

All the waiting for my stupid inner voices to have their say caused time to stretch out and I’m sure Eric thought I was thinking the worst of him. He moved closer and took my chin in his hand to get me to look at him since I was refusing to do that, afraid he was going to see the internal war going on in me. His worried words and tone shame me for where my thoughts took me. 

 

“I don’t think you would ever try anything, Eric.” I mean for that to reassure him that I trust him but for some reason, my words seem to upset him.

 

He lets his hand drop and moves away towards the door frowning. “Just...take your time. I know it will feel good to have a private shower and who knows when you’ll get another. When you’re finished call me and we can get all of that other stuff taken care of.”

 

I nod and watch him start to close the door with a scowl in his face and slightly slumped shoulders.

 

“Eric,” I call out and catch the door to keep it from closing with one hand and the other I reach out to put over his. He looks at me but the scowl isn’t gone, and if anything he looks wary right now. 

 

Which is just all kinds of confusing but I guess that he might not have believed me and think that I don’t trust him? 

 

“I’m sorry if it might not have come out right, but I really do trust you.” 

 

I curl my fingers around his hand and let my thumb brush across his skin, in the same manner, he's done with me before. It’s a reassuring touch that brought me comfort and I try to return that to him. I swear I feel a slight tremble in his arm before the wariness in his eyes fades and scowl on his lips twists to a small smirk while his hand turns too fully take mine into his. 

 

“That’s a start, Kat. Thank you.”

 

Then he smiles at me and gives my hand a squeeze before he pulls it away and nods to the door. I move my hand from it and watch as he closes it, his eyes holding mine until the wood of the door is blocking even that small connection with him. 

 

I stood glaring at that door, scowling for way too long, feeling dazed and confused from more than just my injuries and physical condition. 

 

What did he mean it’s a start?

 

What was that last look at me about? Like he was afraid to let me out of his sight or something.

 

More importantly, why won’t my body and mind behave and stop trying to read into everything he does as him wanting me just as much as I want him?

 

I really, really need to talk to someone about all of this and considering how things are working out for me, Lynn is the even better choice of my two friends. Especially given her own situation. 

 

Not to mention that Lynn won’t get all excited and girly and make a bigger deal of things than need to be. I could just see Mar taking everything Eric has done as some big romantic gesture and feeding a hope in me that doesn’t need to be fed anymore than I do on my own. Lynn will be honest, maybe a bit too honest, and I can trust her to keep it quiet too. Which is absolutely imperative. 

 

Besides out all my friends, I feel comfortable talking to Lynn about one thing that I think it’s probably past time I found out more about; sex. 

 

I haven’t ever bothered to learn more beyond what we were taught in health and science class, which was just the bare bones basics in the case of Abnegation. It hadn’t bothered me that I wasn’t really  _ allowed _ to learn more than what was felt appropriate for us, because I hadn’t felt what I’m feeling now. I had no curiosity to explore like some of the Abnegation dependents did behind closed doors and in supposed secrecy. 

 

Now though, curiosity just might kill this cat.

 

With that resolve, I can put all my focus on the task of getting showered. This should be simple but the shower in Eric’s bedroom is nothing like I’ve ever seen before. I refuse to call out for help and spend more time than I should just set up the bath stuff on the tile ledge that Eric has his own stuff on before I tackle the many nobs and nozzles. 

 

I let out a few shrieks of surprise, that I try to muffle as quickly as possible when water begins to come out of places I never expected. The one on the ceiling wasn’t a surprise really but I had been hesitant to see what happened with it until I got it on and saw it was nice and gentle. It took a few more tries to get the water just right since the water temperature was adjusted by a digital panel, but once I did it was pure bliss.   

 

_ I hope dauntless has a big enough supply of this because I’m about to try and set a record for the longest shower in history. _


	21. Across A New Divide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric, Chase, and Zach confront each other about things long held back and plans are made. Will they decide to leave Kat to her fate or will they decide to take matters into their own hands?

**Chapter 20 - Across A New Divide**

** _Eric_ **

By all appearances, we seem to be relaxing like we would on any given night after work. We finished up eating and moved over to the living room area, taking up our favorite positions on my couches. We each have a bottle of beer sitting on the table closest to us but neither of us has drank much of them. The vidscreen has something playing right now but I couldn't tell you what it is.

We might look relaxed but we are far from it.

I know he's just as wrapped up in thoughts of what we've discovered as I am, and he's probably just as worried about Kat too. Some of it we've voiced and talked over but until Zach gets here, no real plans can be made. Chase is pretty sure that he's going to be on board with us, that Zach is already protective and attached to her, but I won't rest easy until I hear it straight from him. I'm guessing it's a good thing that Chase has been with me while we wait for Zach to come back from the clinic because without him I would have been blowing my friends phone up with messages.

As it is, I did send out a few of them and only relaxed after he sent word to us that he got Kat to agree to a sleep med at least.

"Well, there's that at least," Chase mumbled while I shrugged and smirked. I hadn't planned on telling anyone, even my brothers, about my orders to Shauna but I guess my expression must have tipped him off. " _Eric_?"

I avoid looking at him and fiddle with my phone but he calls my name again, forcing the issue.

"What?"

"Don't give me that. I saw that look. The smug, I've been up to shit, look. What did you do?"

"I did what any leader would do when one of their soldiers is being irrational. I gave orders and got shit done, made sure that she's taken care of."

Chase closes his eyes and reaches up to rub the bridge of his nose while he lets out a long sigh. "I should give you shit about this. I should point out you wouldn't give a fuck if it was some random person refusing to take their pain meds, so that entire speech is just so much bullshit. I should tell you all of that." He drops he hand and opens his eyes, shaking his head. "But I can't. You know that Zach isn't going to like it though."

"He might not like it, but he isn't going to say much when he's just as worried as we are, Chase. I know he wants to get her to open up and try and reason with her about all that shit, I just don't see that happening right now and that's all that matters to me. Right now, she's in pain and that's unacceptable."

Chase leaned forward to grab his beer and took a few swigs after sagging back into the couch. "She reminds him of Beth. Of how she was before…." He trails off and looks into the distance.

"Does Kat remind you of her too?" I ask after a few seconds of quiet. I reach forward to grab my own bottle and take a few deep swigs.

He plays with the bottle, rolling it between his hands before he nods. "Yeah, she does."

I don't say more, mainly because I don't know what to say or ask. Old wounds are being opened, wounds that I know I'm nowhere near ready to go into myself. There is another important aspect of this that I know the three of us are going to need to talk about how to handle.

About the time that I have this thought, Zach comes back.

He gives us a nod but moves quickly to the kitchen, where he deals with the containers he brought back with him. Then I hear him starting the micro to heat up the plate I left for him. After he has that and a beer of his own, he joins us, taking one of the chairs and using the side table.

Chase gives me a warning look when he sees I'm about to launch into a million questions. He opens things by asking if she was able to eat much of the dinner and how she liked it.

While that isn't what I'm itching to know, I can admit that I do feel pleasure when he responds that she was able to eat a good portion of it and even said it was great. As he eats dinner, he tells us about the visit. What they talked about, how she seemed, how she was acting or reacting to different things. It's all what I would consider small talk kind of things and I can't help the growing impatience I have right now, but I hold on and wait it out.

Zach doesn't make me wait much longer before he pushes the plate away from him and leans back in the chair, sipping his beer.

"So, I'm guessing you want to know what I think or where I stand when it comes to Kat?" He lowers the bottle and smirks a little.

I nod in answer, not trusting myself to make some asshole comment at the moment. I know he's messing me with a bit since he can probably tell how anxious I've been to get to this already. The fact that he's trying to lighten things is a good sign, I guess, so I refrain from being a dick.

"We've already talked about it, but this needs to be something we all agree with," Chase says, giving me a pointed look.

"I'm not going to try to lie to you or myself and say that Kat isn't my main focus in this. She is, and I don't know that without her I would have started to have the thoughts I've been having lately. Regardless of how it started, or the fact that I don't really know what it means or how I feel about it, I know I'm not going to let anything happen to her. Right now, that's my main focus." I take a deep drink of my beer and swallow then continue on. "We need to talk about where we stand with our mission. I know you've had doubts about it for a while now, Zach. You don't voice it, we all know each other well enough that I haven't needed you to, but we need to lay that all out on the table with each other now."

"You're right, I've had my doubts about the mission for a few years now. If I'm being totally honest, I don't know that I ever believed divergents are the real issue here. I'm pretty sure that what we were told, that a group of divergent rebels among the factionless was responsible for Beth, was a lie. I've spent countless hours researching for our various tasks, pouring over the data we have about the rebel patterns of attacks or targets. There was plenty of bad shit that I found in all that, but what I didn't find was a hint that girls who wandered away from their group at a school field trip were among them."

"Why haven't you told us this before?" Chase demands hotly. "We said we would never keep secrets from each other and this is why! If we had known this information earlier…"

"Even if they weren't divergent they were still factionless, Chase. Knowing earlier wouldn't have kept us from trying to do something to stop the crap happening in this city. Not to mention the fact that I've spent just as long looking into Eric's parents and found nothing to  _disprove_  what he was told." Chase calms down while Zach pauses and runs a shaking hand through his hair. "I've kept my doubts to myself because there hadn't been anything to prove the divergent theory wrong for me, at least..."

"Not until Kat," I supply calmly when he starts to trail off.

"Yes, Kat has been a big eye-opener for me. But if we're laying it all out, there are other divergents or at least people that fit into what we look for in divergents, that I've come across over the years that have made me question the threat they're supposed to pose."

I scowl and eye him. "Like who?"

He sighs and shrugs. "The one that I think would highlight my point the most, is Uriah Pedrad. I've suspected him for the last few years but his inconclusive aptitude test is what heightened the theory."

"I've wondered about him and that when I saw it too," Chase admits quietly.

"Wondered if he is divergent or that he isn't a threat?" I respond to Chase's observation but I'm really asking both of them.

"Do you really think that Uri Pedrad would ever betray Dauntless, specifically Zeke and his mom? Do you really think that he would ever conspire with the factionless when they're the ones that killed his own father? Remember, there was a time when we wondered if bringing Zeke in on things might be good considering how his dad died."

I know Zach's being logical and telling me everything I already know, but hadn't thought of or if I'm being honest, hadn't allowed myself to think of. When it comes down to it, I hadn't mentioned anything about Uri being on that watch list because I know Chase and Zach are pretty good friends with both Pedrad's, despite the brothers' friendship with Four. It was that particular friendship that's held me back from developing anything other than a good working relationship with Zeke. I respect his work ethic and skills and as long as he did his job and kept his personal life or relationships out of it, we get along pretty well.

Truthfully, I don't relish the thought of handing Uri over. I also don't know that if I see a way to keep Kat clear of it, but have to sacrifice him, that I wouldn't jump on it.

"He's like a brother to her. She'll be just as devastated about him as she will her sister, Eric."

I glare icely over at Chase when he adds this into the conversation.

"I know that already." I snap out at him.

He nods slowly but doesn't back down. "Yeah, but you also have the thought going on in the back of your mind, that because they aren't really brother and sister it wouldn't be so bad. Not if it saved her in the end. You also know that's bullshit and it won't matter to her." He sighs wearily and lays his head on the back of the couch while closing his eyes. "I honestly don't think it matters who the person is or isn't to Kat. She's never going to be okay with handing someone over like that. Not to mention all the other shit we've gotten ourselves involved with. All the crap we've done."

"We did what we had to do, what we've been ordered to do, to protect the city and our faction," Zach adds, but it's weak, his defense and the strength he says it with.

They wait for me to say something but I can't and I can't sit here festering in self-loathing for another second. So I stand and calmly walk away, knowing they end up following me to the training room. We don't speak as I get dressed out and they do the same right beside me.

For the next few hours, we don't say another word that isn't focused on trying to work out our feelings against the bags. When I've gone for as long as I can and my knuckles are a bloody mess, we finally stop.

"Alright, let's talk," I huff out with a nod.

* * *

It's 0300 hours and I've haven't slept at all. None of us have. Our talk and planning went well past the time when going to bed would do a damn bit of good, so we didn't even try.

We have gotten a lot of shit done though. We've talked about a lot of things that we had never talked about before. About the faction and our jobs, where or when we think things went gone wrong here. What if anything we think should change and how the hell we think the three of us would ever be able to accomplish that anyway.

The main points were really about what we thought needed to be done to protect Kat. Chase and Zach added things that could help to protect the other two knowing that wasn't going to be my focus.

The most immediate point on our plan is the trip to the fence. Making sure she's safe and well enough to travel there and back, along with all the climbing and shit they're going to be doing. That led to me raiding my different stashes of medications given to me by Erudite. They're the more advanced meds that will help the healing process even more than the stuff we have in the clinic. They range from serums that can target specific areas by topical application, to the same stuff that was given to me when I was shot.

We also had to come up with a plan for pain relief. Not just for this morning but going forward in general, especially considering my plans for our training in the morning from now on. Hard pain meds are out, and not just because of her most likely refusing them. There's no way any of us want her high and on the fence or trying to jump on and off the train.

Then we had to come up with a plan on how to get all of those meds in her along with the few things I know will help her through the day as well. It isn't like we can do it in the clinic ourselves and we can't call in Shauna that early without it looking suspicious. Which means we have to get her alone, and that led us to deciding to have her come to the apartment.

I knew training this morning wasn't going to happen, not with her condition. But part of the reason I'm going to be getting these advanced meds into her is that I have every intention on making our mornings officially required, and putting her through her paces.

That'll have to wait for tomorrow morning at the latest.

It took some bickering back and forth about how we were going to go about getting everything we plan for the morning in motion. What was supposed to be a short and simple stop to get a few sets of clothing for Kat, since going to the dorm after lights out and rifling through her shit was out of the question, turned into a full-blown shopping trip.

Part of that I can lay the blame solely on Zach. He loves that shit, and a good portion of my nice clothes that I need for Erudite or even for faction functions, comes from his love of dressing up anything and anyone if given a chance. I can usually keep him on a tight leash when it comes to me, but when it came to Kat he went all out. His excuse was that we needed to be prepared and have extra things...you know..in case.

He kept saying that. In case this, in case that…

It got it my head making my paranoia flare up, and before I knew it Chase and I both had added all kinds of shit into the mix.

All of it's sitting in my closet…in case…

Luckily the stuff he gave me a list to pick up in Amity didn't get blown up in the attack because I sent my bags on ahead of me with a couple of guys heading back to the compound for their leave. So all the bath stuff and lotions were ready for her to take a shower when we come back.

Zach was elected to take the clothes we picked up to Kat along with my note and leave them on her bed before he went off to meet with the truck from Amity and pick up the things they were delivering to the compound for Dauntless, and what he placed orders for as well. Chase was going to take the time to get orders put out for the guys he wants to go along for the trip as well as making sure the camera situation is taken care of for us.

Now I'm left here alone in this training room with another hour before I expect Kat to even wake up. I'm left to think about the rest of what I have planned for today, which is my plan to try and get Andrew Prior alone and talk to him.

I'm not expecting to have any big revelations or even any major results from the talk. It's really just to get a feel for the man. To see if there is anything of the great man Kat's talked about when it's just the two of us. Our past interactions during meetings have been very limited and with very few words exchanged between us. I can admit that I'm also hoping to find a clue as to how a father could miss some many things that have been happening with his daughter.

Zach says that the times he's spoken with him or observed him at the monthly meetings Dauntless is required to have with Candor and Abnegation, he found Andrew to be extremely intelligent and easy to talk to.

My involvement with Abnegation extends only to the times when my presence is required for a meeting, usually only for the monthly meetings of the city council. Max avoids being alone with any Abnegation as much as possible and even more when it comes to either Marcus Eaton or Andrew Prior. If Max can get out of going to those, he does and that means I'm required to be there as his second in command.

Truthfully, I hardly ever pay real attention to those meetings. I long ago found that nothing really gets done in them so I learned to tune out a majority of the time. Something I can't afford to do anymore if we have a chance of figuring a way out of all this mess.

I flick my wrist and look at the time, then grumble moodily when I realize exactly five minutes have passed since I last checked. I still have another fifty-five to go before the time Kat normally gets up for her training gets here.

I sigh and run a hand over my face, trying to think of something to do to occupy me, then decide now is as good a time as any to do the maintenance inspection of the equipment in the room. At least mindless work has always helped me to think and plan a little clearer.

* * *

_One hour and five minutes later…_

"Fifteen messages in the last five minutes, Eric? Seriously?"

"She's not here yet," I growl out and stalk towards where Chase and Zach have just joined me in the training room, at my insistence.

Zach chuckles tiredly and shakes his head at me while Chase just shrugs. "Even if her alarm went off at the normal time, you gotta give the girl more than three or four minutes to get dressed and get here."

"Not to mention she just got the shit kicked out of her and it's going to take a little bit for her to even get going. That's if she can even wake up on her own considering she was loaded up with meds." Zach snaps out with a glare at me.

Yeah, he didn't take it well that I went behind Kat's back and ordered Shauna to add all those meds to what she gave her.

"Fine." I snap out and toss the towel I had been using to wipe down the equipment into the bin full of other dirty towels, then make a note to complain to the custodians about them neglecting their duties. "Ten more minutes, then I go collect her myself."

"Eric, you're going to have to give her a bit more time than that. And what was the point of all this shit if you blow it now just because you're being impatient?" Chase leans against the wall and sighs wearily. "Thirty minutes and if she isn't here by then, Zach and I will go."

"Fine," I grumble with a nod.

* * *

' _I don't think you would ever try anything, Eric.'_

The closed-door between us and several minutes later aren't enough to drive those words from my mind.

I know I should get far away from that damn door, but here I sit on my bed glaring at it as if it will give me the answer on what to make out of her words. Honestly, it wasn't the words themselves really but the tone she said them in. I can't even begin to dissect what she might have been thinking when she said them. I just know what it's leaving me feeling.

Doubt.

I'm doubting every sign I've gotten from her so far that she's truly interested in me. I can admit that the obvious signs of physical attraction are there but is that  _all_  there is for her?

Maybe it's worse than that. Maybe I just got friend-zoned.

A squeak on the other side of the door has me on my feet and moving towards it, thinking she's in some kind of trouble until I hear the sound of water and realize that she's probably naked on the other side of that door.

I step back but stay for a few more seconds just in case she really does need help. It isn't until I hear her humming from the other side that I force myself away and to finally join Chase and Zach.

A million thoughts are running through my mind right now. Alternating between imagining her in my shower naked to the conversation just before I left her there. I'm doing the thing I normally do where I play things back and break them down piece by piece, analyzing and trying to find hidden meanings.

Zach would tell me I'm probably overthinking or reading too much into things but I can't help it.

Right before I left she made it a point to reassure me, even seemed worried that I hadn't believed her when she was trying to tell me she trusted me. While that part does leave me feeling more than a little relieved that she trusts me enough to be with her like that, I still think there was something else to her words. Something going on in that mind of hers that she tried to hide but wasn't quite successful in doing.

What could she have been thinking about that made it come out so strained? Dare I say there was even a little bitterness in her tone as well?

I slump into my chair at the dining table while scowling and rubbing the back of my neck to ease the tension a little.

"What did she say about the bath stuff?" Zach asks as he puts a cup of coffee in front of me.

"Huh?" I look up at him, frowning in confusion.

"The bath stuff, Eric. I told you she might be upset or be embarrassed about us having picked up the stuff she's been stubborn accepting before now. Did she say anything about it at all? Did she like it?"

"I guess, she didn't say one way or the other about any of that."

"Oh," He blinks in surprise and narrows his eyes at me. "What about when you told her the plan for the meds or wrapping up her ribs? Did she give you any trouble about that?"

"No. I mean, not really. She says she trusts me. So, that's good...I guess." I mutter and take a drink of my coffee.

"It ain't a bad thing," Chase says and chuckles then eyes me. "Especially since we know this isn't a normal situation for her, given where she grew up. Like we said earlier, she might not be comfortable with any of the three of us seeing her like that."

"That's not what…" I stop, sigh, and rub the back of my neck again. I look between the two of them and know I'm just going to have to bite the bullet here. I'm entering into territory I've never been in before and I've already proven I mess shit up way too easily.

"I reassured her I wouldn't try anything and she told me she trusted me. That she doesn't think I would ever trying anything. It wasn't the words so much in the tone she said them in. It was completely off and I can't even describe it. I know she trusts me because she stopped me and told me again that she does, but what could she have meant the first time? Am I reading shit wrong with her? When I said I wanted to be friends, was she so freaking happy about that because that's all she wants too and she was relieved about it? I don't have the first clue because I don't do this shit and maybe this is why?"

I finish my rant and take a deep breath while Chase and Zach look at each other. Zach shakes his head and laughs while Chase smirks. "Well, this should be interesting to watch." He says before slurping his coffee, making my eye twitch and fists clench.

"We'll probably have to help them both out here or there, but I agree," Zach says, grinning at no one in particular.

"I'm glad this fucking amusing to you two, but a little help here would be nice." I grind out. The anger that I've been carrying around since Kat's fight, and have been trying to keep under control since then, flares up again.

They lose their smiles when they realize I'm not in the mood for their humor. Chase sighs and claps a hand on my shoulder while giving me a look of apology.

It's Zach that answers me. "Kat might seem like she's so different then we would expect any Abnegation to be and in many respects, she is. She  _is_  much more Dauntless then she is Abnegation, but she's still a young woman fresh from Abnegation."

"Not only that," Chase interrupts and looks at me seriously. "You do realize that girl has no concept of how attractive she is. I wasn't there when she said it, but from what I know of her, the tone you heard her say it in had more to do with that than anything about you really. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't see herself as someone  _you_  would ever want to be with that way."

I look to see Zach nodding in agreement and the tick in my eye picks up, pulsing harder.

"Why the fuck not!" I bark out and then tone down it down after Zach makes a motion to lower my volume. "Why wouldn't she think I could be interested in her?"

"Jesus, Eric. Didn't you hear anything we've been saying? Kat has never had interest or practice with any of this crap. Not until now. I've seen the way she looks at you. We both saw how she reacted to you in that training room. That doesn't mean that she thinks  _you_  could or would ever feel the same about her."

My anger starts to fade as what they are saying hits me.

"What hell am I supposed to do about that? I can't tell her that I do, not right now, but I don't want her to think that I'm  _not_  interested in her either!"

My latest explosion brought silence in the dining room as we all listened to see if this one was noticed by Kat. We stayed quiet even after Zach moved closer to the bedroom and closed the door, leaving it open only a crack so that I could hear her when she finished.

"Listen," Zach says with a sigh as he comes back to the table. "This is what I think you should do."

I brace myself to push down the knee-jerk reaction I have at being told what to do, especially in this situation and prepare to listen. I might be stubborn and prideful, but I know when not to look a gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes.

* * *

Zach and Chase are laughing hard after I get through with my latest rant about Kat's reaction to seeing my bed and just being in my bedroom in general. They aren't laughing so much about that as they are laughing at my clear frustration and inability to handle this new situation I'm in.

Relationships aren't something I've ever done even before I transferred from Erudite. Never wanted to, never planned to, and never in a million years did I think any of that would change. To say I know very little about how they're supposed to go is an understatement.

I mean, I saw how my parents were together, but I kind of always thought they might be an abnormality since they were nothing like other Erudite couples are.

But there's this huge void for me for how I've been and how they were. It's like I'm looking back at what could be but the steps to get to where they were are blank. There's no ' _how to'_  for me to establish and honestly, my brother's aren't really that much help either. Because despite the fact that they are more social, they haven't found anyone they wanted to really be involved with either. The difference between the two of them and me is that they never closed themselves off to any of that so they are much better able to understand all the shit that goes along with relationships.

After Zach laying out his plan to help me help myself in my situation with Kat, I couldn't hold any of that in any longer and just vented it out for a few minutes.

"Is this seriously what relationships are like? Because I'm already thinking that I'm going to die of either frustration or a heart attack."

"Yeah, pretty much all relationships are like that," Chase replies, still grinning and chuckling. Then he shrugs takes a sip of his coffee and swallows looking a bit more serious. "With the right person though, it's worth it."

I set my coffee mug down after draining it dry and scrub my hands over my face feeling my energy sapped by lack of sleep. What's on the horizon for us for the next several weeks doesn't help one bit either.

"This is going to be a long six weeks," I mutter, shaking my head.

"Tell me about it," My friends mumble back at the same time and see them eyeing me.

I crack a smile and try to hide it by getting up and getting myself more coffee. I know it's bad of me to feel good that if I have to suffer. I know they are going to be suffering along with me in some ways. I also know that most of that suffering is going to be because of me. My already cranky, moody, and violent outbursts seem to be amplified now that Kat's entered the picture and they've taken the brunt of most of it while trying to help me keep my head on straight.

"It's going to suck and not just because you're going to become a colossal dick until you and Kat can finally…"

Chase trails off after I slam my mug down on the table and glare at him, daring him to finish that sentence while easing back into my seat.

"Dude, you need to chill out. I wasn't referring to  _that_. I might have joked about that if it was someone else but…you should know, not her."

The reminder and the flash of pain in his eyes make me already feel like a colossal dick. I  _should_  know that Chase might be supporting me in all this with Kat, but it doesn't mean he likes it or isn't feeling some kind of way at even the thought of something that hasn't even happened yet between us. I do know that I just can't help that I hate the thought of anyone talking about Kat like that.

"Sorry man. I know you wouldn't. You aren't like that no matter who it's about. I just don't want shit being said about her and you know that not everyone out there in Dauntless is respectful as you are."

Chase nods and swallows some coffee while looking into the cup. "What I was going to say is that it's going to feel even longer until you and Kat finally talk, and not just about that. Her divergence is something I think we need to broach first. I know we have a lot of plans and decisions to make, but I don't think we should keep her in the dark about this at least."

Zach nods his agreement. As it stands it's two against one on this issue. I'm not sure we should tell her about it right now.

"We can talk more about that and all the other stuff after the council meeting today. The thing we need to focus on is finding a way to make sure Kat can keep her focus. I don't want to burden her with that until I can get her past those issues first."

"You have to admit that she already has a damn good way of focusing, Eric. It's just a matter of making sure she can use it without letting the entire world know what she's doing. That's why I think we should tell her now. We could try and coach her on ways to not show divergence but if she doesn't really know why it would be bad…." Chase trails of with a frown as he repeats the same argument he's already used.

"We're also assuming she might not know about it already. We don't know what the person who did her aptitude testing might have told her. She could have told her to not trust anyone with that information, not even family. It would be the smart thing to do. The fewer people who know, the less chance it would be discovered. That's why it's so important we let her know in any way we can that she can trust us." Zach says firmly while looking between the two of us until his eyes land and stay on me.

"One step at a time I guess. Today, we make sure she makes it home safe and that Hayes keeps to our little bargain."

The lull in talk allows the sounds from the bedroom area to filter through, or rather the lack of sound. I notice that the sound of running water is gone, which means that Kat's shower has finally ended.

Zach gets up and goes to the kitchen to check on breakfast in the oven and make a fresh pot of coffee. I pull out the bag of meds that we put together and start sifting through them, doling out a few pills onto a napkin. It takes a few minutes and some back and forth between the three of us on what to include.

"Be prepared for her refusing medication now that she's had time to process and wake up a little bit." Zach cautions me from the kitchen.

"I should have you just slip some in her fucking coff…."

"No," Zach snaps at me, not even letting me finish that rant. "I won't break her trust like that. The only reason I'm not pissed off at you right now about that stunt you and Shauna pulled is because I could tell Kat had an idea Shauna was going to give her more than those sleep meds."

"Fine." I grumble, knowing he's right and I was just talking out of my frustration. Even if most of me would love knowing she's in less pain, it wouldn't be worth the argument or consequences. "I'll just try and reason with her and if that doesn't work I may just order her little ass to take it."

"If you let her know that we won't be giving her anything that will make her body slow to react, especially considering what she's doing today, I think she'll be reasonable about it. If not you could always appeal to her Abnegation. Point out that she doesn't like to see her sister hurting…"

"And her sister wouldn't want to see her hurting either." I finish for Zach with a frown. "Sounds like way too much work when I could just order her to take them and be done with it."

Chase huffs and shakes his head at me, smirking even as he does this. "Okay. Do it your way then and just see how far that gets you in her graces when you're trying to woo her."

It's not just the fact that he's right that has me scowling at him but... "Did you just fucking say  _woo_  her?"

He laughs but doesn't answer. He doesn't get the chance too when we hear the door to the bathroom creak open and Kat softly calling my name.

It took several beats for me to stand and try to confidently wave of their muttered good lucks as I take the first steps across a divide I'm not sure I have the ability to really cross. But like Chase said, for the right person, it's worth it.


	22. Eyes On Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bathroom encounter continues but this time we go to Kat. How will she handle being alone and in that situation with Eric? Will either of them leave with the burning questions they carry having been answered?

**Chapter 21 - Eyes On Fire**

**_Kat_ **

I sat on the tiled bench that's built into the shower enclosure far longer than I really needed to. After playing with that damn digital controller I found a steam setting and sat down in shock while enjoying it at the same time. Indulging in the privacy of the shower plus all the neat little settings and using the bath products, that I've missed but haven't wanted to spend precious points on, is all well and fine. But that's not what I'm really doing here, at least it's not  _all_  that I'm doing.

I'm stalling and I know it.

My main concern right now is trying to find a reason to give Eric regarding the medications he wants to give that will sound reasonable and not end up tipping him over the edge he seems to be teetering on. The problem I'm running into is there is no good reason for it. Part of it's being stubborn while the other part is my own messed up rationalization. Neither of those are going to go over well with any of those guys right now.

I sigh and shut off the water finally resolving that at least I'm going to stand firm on any pain killers. At least with that I know I have a valid reason and one that Eric will understand and even if he doesn't, he can be mad about it all he wants but I'm not willing to give in on this point.

With that addressed in my mind, I start to dry off and get dressed. I just don't do it as fast as I know I can. I take my time with every stage.

First putting up my hair in a secure braid then moving on to using the various products that Zach included along with the bath stuff. While I don't hesitate to use the moisturizers and lotions, I don't even contemplate using the small amount of makeup he seems to have added to the mix as well.

I sigh in pleasure as I smooth lotion over my skin in all the areas that have felt irritated the most by the other stuff I bought. The relief it brings drives out any guilt I might have felt about Zach going to the trouble of replacing all the things I've been stubbornly refusing to stop using.

Honeysuckle and citrus drift on the air as I move on to getting dressed. That part doesn't take me long at all to do. The clothes are just basic black pants and a long-sleeved shirt. They're no different than the standard pieces for a Dauntless informal uniform and aren't far from what I know I have already.

What has me blushing while getting dressed is the undergarments that they included. Even that is no different than something I already have, a sports bra and boy shorts. It isn't so much the clothes themselves but the thought of anyone besides myself picking out my underwear. Let alone Eric, Chase, and Zach.

Especially Eric.

By the time I'm as dressed as I can be before I have to call for Eric, I've sufficiently worked up a total body blush by imagining him picking out and touching my clothes. I stand and stare at my reflection in the mirror and wince at what I see.

I've never dwelt long on the fact that I haven't been allowed to have any kind of say about how I look or what I wear. I've never really wondered about myself and if I'm plain, pretty, ugly or anything of that nature. That's not to say that I haven't heard all kinds of descriptions yelled at me over the years, and none of them very good, I just learned to disregard them. It didn't matter to me if anyone thought I was attractive or not, I had much bigger things to worry about and that's all I've let myself think about.

Before the incident with the factionless, I was so young the only thing I cared about was running and playing, to be free to do that and everything else my sister and I longed to do. After the incident, it felt like the end of my childhood. After that, all I could, or allowed myself, to think about was becoming as strong as I could to protect those I loved and to make up for all I did wrong.

Even when Tobias had shown his supposed interest in me when I was in my early teens I hadn't given more than a passing thought to why he would have any in me. Honestly, I've always been convinced that had been more about him  _thinking_  he should be with me for some reason rather than actually wanting to be.

I let my hand fall from my face and where I had been gently probing the puffy mess of my eye and sigh tiredly when I think of Tobias. Because that just brings up more worries than I'm capable of juggling right now. I know I'm going to have to face the situation with him, as well as his secret relationship with my sister, soon. Just not now.

My biggest worry right now is the young woman in the mirror and the only man I've ever wanted to notice me and  _see me_. There must be something here in me if he's going to the trouble he has for me. I don't think it will ever be what I want him to see or feel. Not when I look at my reflection and know that I can never measure up to the women I'm sure he could have in a second if he wanted to.

Maybe there's something to the whole Abnegation shunning of mirrors because never have I been as self-conscious as I am now that I have such unrestricted access to one. Where even now, two weeks later, I can't help looking into one and immediately finding everything wrong about myself.

Especially when most of the time there is someone standing beside me to compare myself to, which is usually my sister. Then again, I always compare myself to her in most ways.

My hair is a lighter shade of blonde than hers. It darkens a bit if I'm out of the sun for long periods of time, but not by much. I've always considered it to be kind of dull and flat compared to hers with its mixes of blonde, brown and a tiny bit of red in certain lights. They are all mixed together in a way that can be really stunning when she leaves it down. Mine is more blonde with very little other colors, but the more I'm in the sun, the more it looks like dried out bleached wheat. I've always been envious of her shimmering locks.

We have the same general shape to our faces, enough that when combined with our close age and physical stature, people often confuse us for being twins. But it's those differences that stand out so much to me.

My nose is slightly shorter and turned up at the end, making it look cute rather than the strong one she has that looks like it would be at home on any Grecian statue.

My mouth has a bow shape with annoyingly pouty lips that make me look like I'm always throwing a tantrum of some kind.

My eyes are a little too big making my overall appearance even more childlike.

Combine all that with my short and petite frame, I could be mistaken for a pre-teen boy if I didn't wear clothes that show off the few feminine features I do have, my hips and ass. That I have plenty of. It's what Lynn likes to jokingly refer to as the junk in my trunk. Whatever you call it, it's still not enough by half to compete with the women I saw eyeing Eric that first night in the Pit.

Those are women with a capital W. With their figures encased in skin-tight clothing of varying lengths and coverage, ample cleavage, perfectly groomed and made up. All that on top of knowing exactly how to tempt and seduce in ways that I don't have the first clue about.

I shake my head when I have ridiculous flashes, imaging me made up and dressed like one of them and making a complete fool of myself. Pointing out to me that even if I knew how to do any of that I would still fall far from measuring up.

I look away from the mirror in disgust, finally finished with my reflections, and looking at my sad reflection. I force myself to turn and finish dressing until I have everything on but the shirt. I open the door and take a breath before I call out Eric's name then immediately wish I had taken just a few seconds more when nerves hit me full force.

I don't want him to see how ill at ease I'm feeling. Not after earlier. I want him to know I trust him completely. It's myself I don't trust but it's not like I can tell him that. Standing here shifting around nervously isn't going to exactly look like I trust him very much. I cast a look around and then decide it might be better to look as casual as I can.

I move over to the bathroom counter and shift until I can lift myself up onto it, wincing as my ribs take pressure it's not ready for and scooting back until I'm sitting, in what I hope is a casual manner. Hoping that I pull it off even if I'm in nothing but my sports bra, pants, and boots.

I laugh quietly at myself and shake my head then look at my hands when I hear his steps as he approaches after the door to his bedroom creaks open. My hands fidget together hoping to mask their shaking.

"Did you leave any hot wat…" Eric asks, laughing slightly as he came in the doorframe, but he stops in mid-sentence when he gets one step over the threshold.

I only know he's there and that he's stopped moving because I can see his feet from where my eyes were still glued to my hands. I refused to look up and even more now that whatever he's seeing is enough to freeze him in his tracks. I feel mild panic that I've done something wrong, and my brain races as it plays over his instructions. I know I followed them exactly so I'm not sure what's going on. I refuse to look up still but I can't stand just sitting here not knowing either.

"Did I leave any hot water?" I grasp at the playful question and decide to roll with it, hoping I can make my tone light as well. I shrug and smirk a little when I realize how truthful my answer is. "I might have left a tiny amount."

He clears his throat and steps forward. His boots thumping loudly on the tiled floor and the sound echoing back to us. I hear that thudding and hope that's really from his steps and not my heart. The sound of it is loud and fast in my ears, three beats for each pause between his steps. His intake of breath brings to my attention that my own is at least two times faster. Giving the illusion that he's barely breathing while I can't get enough.

One of his large, warm, and wonderfully calloused hands takes both of my clasped hands in his, while the other he raises until it slides gently along my jaw for the second time this morning. He tilts my head back so that our eyes finally meet as his thumb stroked my cheek softly.

There's danger in his eyes anytime I look at them. I never know what I'm going to find and how I'm going to react. Right now there is a clear worry in his eyes, along with something else that's not so clear. Whatever it is, it's just as intense as anything else he allows to broadcast. They seem to be darker right now as his brows lower more, casting shadows over them.

Eric's tugs his lower lip between his teeth quickly before releasing it and breath at the same time. "Are you okay, Kat?"

I nod and smile a little. "The shower helped, though I do still hurt a little."

The side of his mouth quirks up in a side smile as he shakes his head. "That's not what I was meaning…Kat." He pauses for the barest of seconds before he says my name, making me think he might have been about to say something else. The smile is gone and he frowns while holding my eyes. "Are you okay being here like this...with me?"

I swallow hard while thinking that I'm very much  _not_  okay being with him like this but not for any of the reasons he's worried about. At least I can answer that worry of his truthfully though.

"I said I trust you and I do, Eric," I answer softly with what I hope is a reassuring smile.

He sighs deeply. It might be one of relief. It might be of frustration. It might even be disappointment. They all sound so similar and the only thing that would let me know how he's feeling would be his expression or eyes, but those are back to being carefully guarded.

I feel like he's searching mine for something just as much as I am him until he breaks contact and they move over my face slowly. His expression slowly loses its blankness as a tightness I'm familiar with morphs it.

Despite the anger I can see and feel in him as he looks over my injuries, his touch is maddeningly gentle. It's so light and gentle that I struggle to keep my breathing normal while he moves his hands and eyes over me, evaluating the damage for himself for the first time. I close my eyes and will away the thoughts his touch is bringing to mind.

In my mind, Eric isn't looking at me with a methodical but otherwise passionless eye. In my mind, the soft brush of his fingers is anything but a clinical evaluation. My mind is in serious danger of making me make a complete ass of myself as I can barely contain the whimpers that his touch and those images are causing in me.

I keep my eyes closed tightly and scowl every time one of those soft whimpers escape me.

"Tell me if you want or need me to stop, Kat," Eric demands tightly.

A shiver that I can't stop completely escapes at the sound of him speaking in that deep and rough tone. I know it's caused by him trying to keep in the anger he's probably feeling after he comes to each bruise I have. I can't speak properly to reply, so I just gave a nod of my head instead.

"Answer me, Kat." This new demand has me holding my eyes closed even tighter.

A bolt of something strong rushes through me when his fingers graze over an area that seems to be sensitive in a way I could never have imagined it being. The deep rumble of his voice seems to connect straight to that sensation so that they combine and have what I know is desire pooling in me.

He can't know that his touch is creating a whirlpool of desire inside of me and if I don't answer soon, he's going to stop and I don't want that. As much as I should say something to make him stop, I just can't.

"Yes, I will, Eric. I'm okay though." I slightly gasp out the words while not once opening my eyes to see what his expression and eyes might hold. "Don't...I...please...I mean you don't have to stop."

I cringe and internally curse myself when I realize that all came out as me practically begging him not to stop. I even moaned a little when his hands started moving in ways and over areas I'm not prepared for.

What started out as the faint press of his fingertips along the ribs that were hurt as well as the other side, turned into the full length of his hand sliding over my skin. Near my hips, it slid against the bare skin there, a whisper of the heat from his skin against the goosebumped flesh of mine at the waist. Then his fingers made a slow, almost dancing, progression up until he was caressing each rib causing my head to fall back and the moan to escape.

I don't dare to open my eyes now as his hands stop completely. Tears burned behind my eyes making them feel like they are on fire right along with my body as I flush in embarrassment and shame.

I know any second he's going to jerk his hands away from me and step back to address the situation. I don't know how he's going to handle it but knowing how badly I've just messed up he might just say it's better that we have no contact if I can't keep my hormones in check.

That's what I expect to happen but it's not what he does. Instead of pulling away and getting far from me, he gets even closer. Stepping forward until I'm forced to open my legs a little to accommodate his body, my knees brushing his hips as he moves. His hands start moving again. Going from my sides to my arms, up until they travel across my shoulders then even further still as they go along the sides of my neck and only finally stopping when they are on either side of my face. There he stops and cups my head gently in his grasp.

"Kat, look at me," He orders me gruffly.

I want to refuse since I'm still horrified and ashamed at my reaction to him simply trying to take care of me. I almost refuse until I hear his breathing and how fast it is, how hard it's coming out and gusting against my skin.

My eyes pop open against every order I give them to remain closed so I can find out what could be causing Eric to be breathing like that. I almost wish I hadn't and that my body obeyed my order, not his because what I see just can't be real. It can't be real that his eyes are full of the same desire I have coursing through me.

I feel drugged as I drag my eyes away from his to search for anything else that might tell me what the hell is going on, only to see his lips tilted up at the edges in what could only be described as a smug manner.

Then his face starts moving closer to mine and any rational thought fled my mind except one thing. One thought and wish.

_Please, oh please, let him be about to kiss me._


	23. Light Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric takes care of Kat and tests his willpower. How will the bathroom encounter end for the two of them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: As the world turns...it still belongs to V Roth. I'm just the yahoo tossing astroids at it for my own entertainment.

**Chapter 22 - Light Me Up**

** _Eric_ **

I'm not even one step through the door and the plan is about to be blown to hell. Nothing prepared me for the sight of Kat in my bathroom dressed the way she is though.

The casual joke I had been trying for dies on my lips when I see her sitting on my bathroom counter. There's something about her perched there, fresh from a shower and looking like this is something we do all the time, that she belongs there and wearing clothes I had a hand in providing her, that leaves me breathless.

I also go so hard I that I know she's going to look up any second, see that, and freak the hell out. Considering that's exactly what I'm trying to prevent, I almost turn around and order either Zach or Chase to come in here and take care of things.

It's not even really the clothes themselves since what she's wearing is similar to what all the women in Dauntless wear, or have worn, at some point. Most women run around in various combinations of the sports bra paired with a bottom of some kind and may or may not include an open jacket on top of that.

The biggest difference here is that those women make it plain, by clearly stating their intent, that they are wearing it to be alluring and to purposely attract someone. I can't even lie and say my body hasn't responded to their invitations on occasion.

That's not the case with Kat. She's not wearing this to purposely attract me and I sure as hell don't expect her to give me an invitation. It doesn't stop me from reacting like she has.

That's one me, not her, and it has me pausing before I make another move while I make a quick study of her.

I don't call for them for two reasons.

The first reason and the most important one is the fact that she hasn't looked up yet. In fact, she's got her hands trained on her hands intently while she wrings them slightly. That speaks volumes to me, letting me know her state of mind.

The second one, I'm almost ashamed to admit, is that the thought of either of them near her, when she's dressed like this and touching her like I'm going to have to, makes me so livid I'm afraid of what I would do or say to them. It need not be said that of the two, I feel this way more about Chase than I do Zach.

"Did I leave any hot water?" Her lips curl up into a smirk even as she shrugs slightly. "I might have left a tiny amount."

Even speaking to me, she can't meet my eyes but she's trying so fucking hard to push through what she's feeling.

All the advice and coaching my brothers gave me, along with the reminder that Kat  _is_  still a girl that came from Abnegation even if she never belonged there, rings in my ears. It makes it easier for me to shove down my lust and discomfort as I move forward. Although I still hope to hell she doesn't notice the obvious sign that I can't push aside as easily.

I reach out and take her hands in one of mine while the other one I move to the side of her face. I'm not supposed to touch her more than necessary. That was the plan anyway. I'm supposed to keep my contact limited until I know she's comfortable or that I haven't crossed a boundary she's not ready to have crossed.

There's just no way that I can  _not_  touch her and try to give her something from me I've never cared to share with others but that she always seems to respond to. Even here and now in this completely vulnerable and uncomfortable state, she doesn't do anything but respond willingly to my touch.

I tilt her head to look into her eyes while I stroke her cheek, looking for any non-verbal sign that I'm pushing things too far with her. I know she's nervous right now, I can see and feel it. I know that this is new to her. It's new for me too.

The desire for her that I'm holding inside is raging and riding me hard, just as hard as all the other feelings she inspires in me. A silent war is waged inside of me but I keep it from my being betrayed on my face or in my tone when I finally do manage to speak.

"Are you okay, Kat?"

She nods and gives me a small smile. "The shower helped, though I do still hurt a little."

I shake my head and realize I didn't make my real concern clear. "That's not what I was meaning," A word pops forward and almost slips out before I thankfully catch it and continue on. "Kat. Are you okay being here like this...with me?"

While I curse myself mentally for almost calling her a nickname I've only called her in my dreams, she pauses before answering. Her eyes took on a sadness, maybe even regret.

"I said I trust you and I do, Eric." She replies softly.

It isn't lost on me that she doesn't really answer the question. It doesn't make her response a lie, I just know that there's more going on in that mind of hers and I hate that I don't know what it is. I want to know if my brothers' theory is true, that her own self-doubt is blinding her from seeing what I truly want. My searching her eyes for the answer gives me nothing but time to take in her injuries.

I know from personal experience that the minutes right after getting them isn't when they look their worst. That's always hours later or even the morning after. Even with the advanced meds from the clinic, it takes time for them to fade. The side of her face that took the most damage is all bruised and swollen with cuts that have mostly closed up and have a faint scab on top. The eye on that side of her face is swollen enough that it's partly closed. All of these are the injuries I've already burned into my memory.

It's the others that I hadn't been able to see but I plan on changing that right this second. I knew when I came up with the plan to wrap her ribs that I was going to be doing this. I tried to tell myself that the only reason, besides helping her out, was because I needed to know where each of the spots she would be most vulnerable when I begin her training. And I do need to know those spots so I can stay away from them as much as possible in the sparring I have planned for her. That's how it starts out when I begin looking her over, letting my hands do their own evaluation as well and burning these injuries into my mind with the silent promise that this would never fucking happen again.

My evaluating touch lasted all of about a minute though.

Kat closed her eyes as soon as she saw my expression changing and the anger beginning to burn again in mine but she didn't protest at all when my hands moved from her face down to her sides. It wasn't until she whimpered that I remembered part of the plan.

"Tell me if you want or need me to stop, Kat," I tell her, scowling and cursing myself internally.

I don't stop and unless she tells me to, I don't plan on it. Almost can't bring myself to. I'm no longer even trying to pretend that I'm touching her sides and ribs searching for injuries.

Now I'm too busy just memorizing her body in general. I can tell her she's much more toned than she looks in how her muscles twitch or bunch when I pass over them and her curves are more tempting than anything I've ever experienced in my life. They're soft, subtle even, and fitting for her frame which is small and petite. At least, until I get to her hips and then everything changes. They flare out to a shapely ass that I'm seconds from grabbing and letting fill my hands.

Her skin can only be described as cream with a hint of peaches in how it's flushed in certain places. It's also so fucking soft under my rough fingertips. She's perfect and flawless in my eyes. Even with the odd freckle here or there and the bruises, those just enhance that feeling in me. I burn them all in my mind, even the tiny ridges of old scars that wrap around her ribs to her back that she most likely picked up while training in some way.

I want to ask her about those until I remember that she never answered my first question and I tear my eyes away from where I'm touching her to look at her face.

"Answer me, Kat," I demand roughly.

My eyes might have moved to her face but my hands are still in motion as they slide over her hips and revel in the way there are tiny goosebumps pebbling her skin as my hand moves against it.

"Yes, I will, Eric. I'm okay though." She gasps her answer, panting softly with her eyes still closed tightly."Don't," She stops and pants a little heavier. "I...please…" she moans softly. "I mean you don't have to stop."

Until now, at this moment, I still had doubts that Kat really wanted me. I doubted Chase when he said he saw the signs in her and thought that when I saw them myself I was just misinterpreting them. That I was just reading what I wanted to see there.

Her gasped and moaned words are hard to mistake and all the signs are here for me to see now. She does want me as much as I want her. I know I should stop. I've gotten the confirmation I wanted and going any further will be taking this to a place that I can't right now.

I  _should_  stop, but I don't.

I alternate between watching her reaction to my touch and the places where our skin is in contact. My fingers move up in a light caress and I watch as her breathing becomes even more ragged.

It's because of my split attention that I also see the peaking of hardened nipples straining against the black cloth of her bra. And as if they're some kind of magnet calling to me, my hands start in that direction, aiming to cup her and brush my thumbs against those visible nubs.

Just as I get to the space under her breasts and brush along her tantalizing flesh there she lets out a gasped moan and her head falls back causing my eyes to snap back to her face to see pure pleasure etched across it for one breathtaking second.

It jars me out of the trance I was in and my hands stop when I realize what I had been seconds from doing. I have to close my eyes and get myself under control. My breathing is still fairly hard and my heart is racing, but I opened my eyes back up and look at her.

My gut twists when I see her eyes clenched shut with tears leaking from the sides and her face twisted up, probably trying to stop any more from getting loose. And I know, I don't know how I do, but I know that she's feeling ashamed of herself and like she's done something wrong.

_Fuck. That._

I won't allow her to ever feel that way with me.

I move in closer to her, as close as I can get without scaring the shit out of her with the proof of my own desire. I move my hands away from the danger zone but still can't completely break contact as they journey up her body to cradle her head in my hands.

It's fucking torture to be so close and not able to take what I want, but I want so much more than just to lose myself in her body.

I know before I even speak that I'm not going to try and hide what I'm feeling for her. I want her to look in my eyes and see everything I'm feeling right now. I want Kat to look at me and see how hard my breathing is. I need her to know that she does this to me. Even if I can't tell her in no uncertain terms, I want to try and use this to communicate where I want things to go between us.

"Kat, look at me." My tone is forceful, it needs to be to get her attention.

When she opens her eyes they have a haze of desire mixed in with the other emotions. Smug pleasure fills me when I see that, knowing how responsive she is to the simplest of my touches. It takes everything in me to not try and get another moan from her now that her eyes are open just so I can see them burn even more golden than they have before.

I move forward, still broadcasting and know by the widening of her eyes what she thinks I intend to do. As much as I want too as well, that isn't a line I can let us cross right now. So instead of pressing my lips to hers, I do the next best thing and make contact with her forehead.

I groan softly at the jolt of electricity that assaults me as soon as my lips make contact with her skin. But a grumble of pure unadulterated pleasure breaks out of me when Kat's hands shoot out and grasp my shirt in the back in a death grip, pulling me even closer. I willingly go and close my eyes, breathing her in when I wrap my arms around her.

She melts into me. There is no other fucking way to describe how her body meets mine. She sighs where she has her face buried against my chest like she's feeling the same relief I am at being connected like this.

Fuck she feels good here in my arms like this. Too good, and I know I can't hold her like this long before the simple pleasure of holding her is going to turn into some much deeper. It won't be long before I do something really stupid. I've already blown Zach's plan six ways to fucking Sunday and I need to get us back on track.

It's sappy, what he suggested, I even said as much to him and that it wasn't something I ever saw myself doing. He just smirked at me and said that I would when it came time.

_Damn him for being right, as usual._

"Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful, Kat?"

I know the answer to this before even asking and it pisses me off thinking about it. I get even more livid after she stiffens in my arms then tries to yank free, I only let her go far enough for her to turn hurt, disbelieving eyes on me that have silent accusation in them. In the space of a second, I see that this is a sore point with her. Most likely from a lifetime of abuse and insults that are generously bestowed on stiffs.

The anger in her slowly melts as I gently stroke her spine and back with my fingertips. Her back arched slightly and her eyes flutter a little. I slowly trace along the ridges of even more scars along her back and wait for her to answer, letting her know with my eyes that I still expect one.

During that time there is something in the back of my mind trying to come forward with every new ridge I discover, but it never makes the journey. I'm too caught up in this moment to want to step out of it.

Kat's face scrunches up when she realizes what I'm still waiting for. "I'm not...no one's ever…" She trails off, shaking her head in answer and to deny my question.

I stop my attention to her back and move one hand, intending to place it at the back of her neck where I could cradle her head in it. Instead, and as if my hand has a mind of its own, I trail my fingers up to the front of her neck and over her collarbone. I watch as I finally get the chance to explore the tattoo that's fully revealed to me. The black ink against her creamy skin is mesmerizing.

"You are, Kat. So fucking beautiful," She shifts against my touch. I realize how close we are and how easy it would be to lean forward and get another taste of her skin against my lips. There's no way I can resist.

"M'not, Eric." She protests in a heavy pant as my lips brush against the gentle slope where her neck became shoulder. The warmth and taste of her have me closing my eyes. "Look at me."

I force myself back, pulling away with a sigh and do just as she asked. Her eyes have a slight shine to them that suggests she's still holding back tears. Despite that, they are still slightly golden with the fire of her conviction that she truly believes she's not beautiful.

I shake my head and scowl at her. "I am looking at you, Kat." I raise a hand again and lightly graze my fingers over the bruises on her face. "You think that a few bruises will change what I see when I look at you but it only makes it even more obvious to me."

A wince she tries to keep in when my fingers apply a bit of pressure to her cheekbone makes my scowl deepen. I reach around her to where the tube of ointment I set out is and pick it up. I have to use both hands to be able to do it, so I break contact and unscrew the cap while looking over the areas I'm about to apply the ointment.

I work on her face silently. Gently applying the serum and gel combination that will help to accelerate the healing, lessen the swelling and ease some of the pain.

As I'm finishing up with the application to the areas of her face that need it I continue on with our discussion.

"I'm going to completely honest here, I don't like seeing you hurt, Kat. In fact, it pisses me off. Especially when I know you're much more capable than what you demonstrated, but that's something we'll be talking about later."

I pause and eye her meaningfully. She gives a small nod of agreement. I sigh and look over her again, making sure I haven't missed anything.

"Even as angry as I feel looking at all this, it doesn't take away from that. It might even add to it, in fact."

She makes a scoffing sound and looks at me frowning. "How in the world does this," She angrily jabs a finger in the direction of her face without actually touching it "make me supposedly more beautiful?"

I don't know what it is about her argument that makes me so angry, but it does. It could be her refusal to believe me or the fact that I feel like she's thinking I'm trying to mess with her in some way. There's just something in her eyes, a wounded look, that tells me she's afraid to believe I truly mean this. She looks away from me and I use my free hand to take hold of her chin and turn her to look back at me.

"Kat, do I strike you as the type to ever make statements like that, to give compliments at all much less this type?" I demand from her angrily.

She gingerly bites her bottom lip and shakes her head. "No. I just don't…" She trails off and sighs, looking down and away from me. "Why, Eric?" She asks faintly.

"Why am I saying it or why do I find you that way?" I ask in a more subdued tone and wearing a faint smile she can't see since she isn't looking at me.

"Both."

I let go of her chin, not trying to make her look at me while I collect my thoughts and use the excuse of applying a bit more gel to her face in areas I think she needs it. By the time I'm done with those I think I have an answer for her. It won't be everything I want to say but I hope it's enough that she can guess those reasons I can't tell her now.

"Because it's true and while I can't tell you all of my reasons right now, I can tell you this." I pause for a second and take a breath. "There's something about the reason why you got them that I can admit I hate, but that I also admire. A lot. The reason…"

I feel her eyes burning into me and trail off, feeling uncomfortable with the intensity of this moment. I need something to continue but I can't just sit still and do it. So I scowl and gently adjust her so that I can start putting the ointment on her ribs and sides.

She lets me do this without pushing the conversation right away. Until a few minutes pass and she prods gently with her words.

"The reason…"

I huff and it comes out as a sort of growl, but I man up and press on.

"You fought so fucking hard to defend someone you love. Even when I could tell it absolutely wrecked you, you did  _eventually_ pull it together, you held on and didn't give up and you fought. You're sitting here hurt more than you'll admit and bad enough that it would have someone else crying or complaining their asses off, but you haven't made a peep about it. The strength of will and character of those actions, they're beautiful to me, and it matches what's already on the outside."

I shrug with a frown, continuing working and not feeling brave enough to meet her eyes as I say all this. Not willing to acknowledge how freaking vulnerable I feel right now.

The silence stretches out between us for a few minutes until she lets out a ragged sigh, breaking it. "Thank you,"

By the time she says this I'm just finishing getting her ribs wrapped and taped up. Once I have it secured I set everything back on the counter, let my hands go to her hips and finally look her in the eyes while she continues.

"I believe you. No one has ever said, well, no one has ever told me any of it."

I smirk a little and tilt my head as I narrow my eyes and look at her. It's one thing to believe that I mean it...but…"Believe that you are or that I mean it?"

She flushes, even her ears tinge with the blush that spreads over her cheeks, and she smiles at me. "That you mean it."

I nod and lean in, breathing her in as I press my lips to her forehead. Something it seems I can't stop myself from wanting to do since I know I can't kiss her where I really want to. "That's a start, Kat." I hear her breathing me in like I just did her. "This is a start," I mutter lowly against her skin.

"Breakfast is ready guys," Zach's voice seems louder than I'm sure he actually was. I can hear impatience and worry in the tone and I know it's about what might be going on in here but won't overstep and come to find out.

I have to force myself to pull away, and then I have to force myself not to go right back to her when I see the frown on her face once I do move.

I take a few seconds to get a grip on myself and reach for the shirt she still has to put on. Without really thinking about anything other than I know who much getting dressed by herself is going to suck, I start to help her.

It isn't until after I have it slid over her head and I catch a look at her face, which is totally red and she has wide eyes, that I realize what I'm actually doing. But her expression is just too funny and I can't help but laugh and smile at it.

"Sorry, I knew it was going to suck trying to get this on with those ribs. They might not be broken but I know first hand they hurt just as much."

She smiles, while still blushing and works with me to get her first arm through the sleeve. "It's okay, it's just, I think the last time someone helped me get dressed I was three or four years old. It's just new...I guess."

"Yeah, I haven't dressed anyone else besides myself and haven't wanted to before either," I tell her and smirk at the surprise in her eyes and blush that deepens.

_Dress, undress...tear your fucking close off and keep you in my bed….._

It's amazing what this girl does to me. My body can go from zero to fucking sixty with her. One minute I'm hard as hell for her but the second I knew she was in pain I might as well have just been dunked in an ice bath that shit went away so fast. But now, it's surging through me again. I'm already more than all the way hard in just these last few seconds.

_Don't ruin the moment you asshole._

My inner good guy rages to the surface and it makes me chuckle mirthlessly in my mind. I didn't even know that bastard existed anymore until Kat came along.

Kat's blissfully unaware of this crap going on in my mind. She still has a faint blush on her cheeks and a smile on her lips as we get the rest of the shirt on her. She shifts on the counter and has to straighten up some to tug it down over her torso and when she does it causes her to wince.

Just like that, it's gone again, but she's still off balance right now and I'm going to use this to my advantage. Yes, I  _am_  a bastard for this, but I don't care.

"Kat, can you please do us…do me...a favor?" I try not to demand this but I can't help that it still comes out forcefully.

Her smile fades, most likely a reaction to my own being wiped away as soon as I saw her in pain. Despite my instinct to remain hard and uncompromising when I feel so deeply about something, I know I can't take that route with her. It will make her fight even harder against this.

I reach out and lift her braid from the inside of her shirt then lay it over her shoulder and trail my hand back up to the side of her face. I stroke her jaw with my thumb and watch her eyes become clouded with confusion for a second as she tilts her head back to look at me.

"I don't want to say yes to something and then have to go back on that," She responds and shivers slightly when I run a finger of my other hand along the ridge of her ear.

"I have some meds that I would like you to take. It won't be anything that will be heavy or slow your movements but being in pain is only going to end up hurting you worse." I see her take a breath to protest and then change tactics because I'm too damn impatient to try and reason this shit out with her when I know she's hurting. "Besides, think of how it hurts those around you to see you hurting."

Yeah, that was a bit dirtier than I meant to go but if it gets this done then I don't care.

Kat flinches violently like I just hit her or something. In response to that, I move so that my arms are back around her, and just like before she grips the back of my shirt.

In the span of seconds, from when the last word leaves my mouth until now, I watch as he complexion pales then a red tinge starts to bloom across her skin. Only this isn't one I would describe as a blush, because it's all fire and anger. Her hazel eyes are lit with gold from the spark of anger there. She wants to say something to me so bad that she bites her bottom lip. Hard. Trying to stop herself from responding to me.

I realize that I don't want her respectful silence.

I don't want her to hold her tongue and not tell me exactly what's on her mind, and I know just from her look that what's on the tip of her tongue is nothing complementary to me.

With a knowing smirk, I reach up and pull her chin down then use my thumb to make her release her lip. "Go ahead and say what you're trying to keep in."

"And here I thought no one could top Abnegation with their guilt trips and manipulations." She doesn't even fucking hesitate and her words explode from her in a huff while glaring at me.

Not exactly the response I expected from her but I should have figured Kat wouldn't resort to simple name calling. She knew exactly how to strike back by comparing me to Abnegation in any kind of way.

I should be livid. I mean, I would normally, if this were coming from anyone else. Even Chase and Zach aren't safe when I don't like them telling me like it is.

But I feel this odd sense of pride that she's not just rolling over and doing what I say just because of my status as a leader. That she's not giving in to my intimidation tactics. It's a fucking novelty to me and that's just enough to take the edge off the anger I feel knowing why she's trying to refuse taking medications to help in the first place.

It also, unbelievably, turns me on to no fucking end and even though I know I need to keep things level here, I decide not to. I want to fire her up even more so I can see it in her eyes.

I shrug and smirk at her and get what I wanted when the green of her eyes seems to shrink with how charged up she's getting.

"Look, I'm not going to apologize for going that route with it." I interrupt whatever she was gearing up to say and speak truthfully. "My first instinct, to be perfectly fucking honest here, is to just order you to take the shit. I can admit that I don't  _want_  to do that but I also won't hesitate to do just that. I've already told you once that seeing you in pain pisses me off. It also kills me, Kat. So yeah, I said it in a way to try and get you to take the meds but it doesn't make it a lie. Imagine if I'm feeling that way what your friends and sister are going to feel."

She growls at me.

Growls. At. Me.

Her nostrils are flared and she goes back to biting her lip and breathing hard. She clutches my back so hard that her fingernails start to dig into my skin through the fabric of my shirt.

If I wasn't already turned on, this would do the trick. But this isn't the time for this shit and I realize that. So with a quick mental ' _down boy_ ', I tug on her lip again.

"Say it, Kat," I order her again, and again she doesn't hesitate.

"You're an ass," She bites out, her eyes widen slightly after she says it as if she realizes what she just said but she doesn't back down either.

"I know," I smirked at her and shrugged when I say this, completely unapologetic. "I'm a completely in the right ass, but yeah, I'm an ass."

Her lips are twitching, which is the only sign that she's fighting to keep angry at me and not laugh at my ridiculously smug expression. When I smile at her, just from the sheer fucking enjoyment of being with her like this, she breaks and laughs while shaking her head at me.

" _Fine_ ," She huffs out in irritation after we sit smiling at each other for a few long seconds. "But if I take it and it turns out to be anything too heavy I'm going to…" She trails off and glares at me, leaving the threat she never completed hanging there.

"Going to what?" I lift my chin in a taunt and grin smugly at her.

"Well, I guess I'm just going to have to kick your ass." I lifted an eyebrow in disbelief and then barked out a laugh when she adds a muttered. "Or die trying."

She's not happy about my laughter this time. I roll my eyes and help her off the counter. "You could try, Prior. I wouldn't let it get as far as death. The pain of death, maybe, but not the actual dying part." Once she's standing I look at her seriously. "I meant what I said though. I'm not going to give you anything that would make you out of it or lose control of your body. That goes against the entire fucking purpose and you would just end up getting hurt again trying to function on it."

She looks down and nods, sighing dejectedly. I take that victory and decide not to give her time to come up with another argument. I pull her from the bathroom by the hand into the bedroom.

As we're going, I grab the new jacket we picked up for her earlier along with all the other shit that's now sitting in my closet. The weather is much cooler right now and up on the fence and being on the train, it will be even colder. That flimsy crap she was given first wasn't going to fly for me. The standard issued jackets are what would be called windbreakers.

This one's not fancy, but it is a hell of a lot better than the one all the other transfers are going to be wearing if they didn't pick something else up for themselves. It's one that her little group of friends mentioned her liking at some point over the last week. I know thanks to Zach that she had been refusing to get one and saying she would make do with what she was given.

The new one she's going to be wearing today will keep her warmer. It's a combination of synth-leather and cloth, with the sleeves being long and made of dark grey knitted fabric. It has built-in protection for her head with the same knitted hood while the body of the jacket is made of black synth leather.

Honestly, I almost wanted to put her in full winter crap and Chase even seconded it, helping me to pick it all out. We took an unreal amount of time arguing back and forth on what to get until Zach, rather dryly, informed us that it's barely Fall right now and a light jacket would do.

I still won. Her winter shit is sitting in my closet.

I know that all of that was ridiculous, and something out of the normal comfort zone for at least me and Chase. Zach was loving it and had been dying to be able to get something for Kat because that's how he's always been. He does the same thing for the two of us if we let him.

At the time, the only thing I thought was driving me was my paranoia to be prepared and a competitiveness to one-up Zach who was determined to outfit Kat in anything that's had his eye.

It wasn't until after we got back to the apartment and I had to find a place for everything that Chase pointed out something he was feeling that struck a chord with me too.

We're protective of Kat, almost overbearingly so. That doesn't exactly have a place in Dauntless though. We can't protect her from everything, it's just not going to happen. But we can and will do everything we can to make sure she's prepared to face whatever comes our way.

Last night, talking about everything we did, left us all feeling a bit helpless and like our hands are tied. We couldn't actually do much to fix shit. So, we did what we could.

I look back at her just before we go out of the bedroom into the living room and take in her wearing the result of all that and it feels damn good. Seeing her wearing something I provided her.

_It's almost like I've marked her as mine._

I turn my head away so she won't see my triumphant smirk but I know she caught it when she starts muttering.

"You don't have to be so damn smug about it, you ass. I might just decide to take you up on the pain of death now and skip being reasonable about the medication." She grumbles this loudly.

Chase has his head tilted, listening to her and his eyes snap to mine worriedly wondering how I'm going to react to her talking to me like that. Once again, I find myself laughing at something that would normally set me off from anyone else.

"Oh good, she's going to take it." The very obvious and visible relief radiating from Zach completely deflates her temper, bringing home to her everything I said and showing her truthful I was being.

"Yeah, yeah." She grumbles lowly and takes the seat I just pulled out for her after I tossed the jacket onto the back of a chair in the living room. "She's going to take the medicine."

I wisely don't say anything and keep my smile as normal as possible as I take my seat next to her.

Chase grins at her then pours her a cup of coffee but pulls it back before she can get ahold of it. "Pills and water first, then coffee." She shoots him a narrow-eyed glare and he just smirks back and motions with his head to where the pills and water are in front of her. "Bottoms up."

She's still glaring at the three of us as we all sit silently and wait. Her cheeks start to redden but she pulls the napkin closer and grabs the small handful of pills. It surprises me that she doesn't even look too closely at them before she tosses them in her mouth and gulps them down with the water and a grimace. Not that there was anything in there that I promised wouldn't be.

I look at Chase and Zach and see they have the same awed expression at the level of trust she just showed us and she probably doesn't even know it.

She continues to gulp the water down and when she's done, slaps the glass against the table like she's just done a shot and looking at me in a challenge. "I'm not lifting my tongue to show you I swallowed them like a good girl."

Chase's laughter booms through the room at this and he gasps as he tries to get out words. "God damn does she have you down."

I want to be upset about that, but really, he's right. I had been taking a breath to ask her to do just that.

"So it seems. I'm not complaining though." I reach out for her hand that's resting on her lap and smile when she threads her fingers with mine. She blushes but doesn't respond.

Zach gets up, relaxed and smiling as he moves to the kitchen. Chase goes into the kitchen with him and grabs some of the plates that are piled with food. Kat's eyes go wide at the sight of the frittata, plates of bacon and toast.

"Now we can eat," Chase exclaims with a smile. "Fucking finally." He winks playfully at Kat.

Her stomach lets out a grumble loud enough for me at least to hear it. With a chuckle, I give her hand a squeeze then reluctantly let it go so we can all fill our plates and stomachs.


	24. Scars We Carry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat explains more details of her past and the workings of Abnegation. Will they, as she fears they, wash their hands of her? Who are the fallen and are they who Kat wants to protect? Will her revelations change anything for the three men?

**Chapter 23 - Scars We Carry**

 

** _Kat_ **

 

The food is amazing. Really anything I’ve had made by Zach has been amazing. Even Eric’s chicken tetrazzini that Zach brought me last night at the clinic was wonderful, at least, what I could eat of it. I felt guilty for not being able to finish or enjoy it and I’m feeling that same way right now. I’m still in pain, still exhausted and still a mess from the events of the last few days, but that isn’t all of why my appetite is off from what it normally is.

 

I take quick furtive glances at each of the three men sitting at the table with me and I don’t like what I’m seeing at all. They look uneasy and tired as hell, with dark circles under their eyes and various states of being disheveled. Between Zach’s smile being a bit more strained to Eric’s stubble and mussed hair, I realize that something serious is going on with them and I don’t know what.

 

I do know that it can’t have all been because they were worried about me getting hurt and taking my medication. I now know that was some of it just by how they all seemed to breathe these big sighs of relief after I took those pills earlier but that’s not what has them acting the way are now.

 

I can tell Zach is at least trying to keep breakfast as normal as possible. He’s kept the conversation going, mostly about what I can expect today on our field trip to the fence in Amity. He prompted me to tell them what I might have already seen when in Amity, which wasn’t much, to be honest, and described a few things we wouldn’t see on our visit but that are good to know about.

 

The entire time Eric and Chase ate sullenly only really adding something in when Zach practically made them. Until Zach gave up, tiredly, and we all continued to eat in silence.

 

I’m pretty much the only one still trying to eat but I can tell when Eric lifts an eyebrow at me he knows I’m just stalling right now.

 

“Eric,” Chase sighs a warning to him but I can see he’s just as anxious to get on with what I realize must be what has had them so unsettled.

 

I _almost_ forgot the entire lunch incident, and secretly hoped they might have as well, from yesterday but it looks like they haven’t. I guess my fight and getting hurt doesn’t help things either.

 

I push my plate away from me with a sigh.

 

“Before you start in on her, let’s move over to the living room. She’ll be much more comfortable there.” Zach offered me with a half smile.

 

Eric grumbled but pushed to his feet and held a hand out for me. I took it without much eagerness and a few grumbles of my own. Once I was up, I moved off ahead of him and sank onto the couch at one far end.

 

I was feeling severely grumpy and irritable, something Eric seemed oblivious to as he decided to sit right beside me, even telling me to scoot over. Considering I was currently sitting against the arm of the couch that was completely empty everywhere else, I was more than a bit put out and confused.

 

I think I must have verbally said as much, even while I moved over. 

 

“I like this spot,” He said with a shrug of his shoulders, taking the space I just vacated.

 

I roll my eyes and start to scoot further down the couch but he shifts and stretches so the arm he casually draped along the back of the couch comes down, blocking my retreat, and pulls me back against his side.

 

I should probably protest or move away, but I just can’t bring myself to. 

 

When Eric had me in his arms in the bathroom, it felt so good. That feels like such an inadequate word to describe what I felt at the time, ‘cause I was a complete mess of feelings. 

 

Oddly enough when it was _just_ him holding me and not doing anything else, all of that seemed to quiet for me. There was a peace and comfort I never expected that seemed to overwhelm all the other things going on with me and for those seconds it felt like I could breathe a little easier. In his arms it felt like the stress and worry that is always weighing me down seemed to lift. 

 

So when his arm wraps around me and pulls me closer to his side I go willingly, letting him get me settled there beside him while Chase and Zach joined us in the living room. They took the two chairs that faced us.

 

It was their expressions, and the fact they weren’t even attempting to hide their focus was about to me all on me, that let me know I could expect a full on interrogation. They’re all exchanging looks between each other, like their trying to communicate with those alone. 

 

I’ve noticed they do that a lot really. I also notice that it works, they always seem to know what each other are trying to say in those times.

 

It might be how exhausted I am, but I start to do a silent narration of whatever conversation they’re having until I realize with a start that I do actually understand what’s going on. 

 

They’re trying to determine who will start things off and Zach seems to be trying to warn Eric about something. 

 

This is all done with glares, sighs, shifting and brushing of fingers in what I recognize as the way a few of the hearing impaired among the factionless communicate. But, it’s all done so fast that it makes my head spin until I just can’t take it anymore and decide to pull the trigger they’re hesitant to pull right now.

 

“Why don’t I save you guys arguing anymore and start things out myself? Just give me an idea of what you want to interrogate me on first.” 

 

I can see the startled expressions of Chase and Zach clearly since I’m facing them. I only know how Eric reacted by his body tensing beside me, then turning to find him looking down at me.

 

“You understood that?” His tone incredulous, maybe even a bit nervous.

 

I frown and shrug. “A bit of it. I recognize some of the hand signs. A few of the factionless I knew are hearing impaired and knowing how to communicate with them made things easier.”

 

“Good to know,” He muttered with his forehead wrinkled up before he to rub the bridge of his nose with his free hand, then dropped it and shook his head. “It’s not an interrogation, Kat. But you damn well know there are things we need to talk about. Starting with you losing your shit during your sister’s fight.”

 

“What was going on there, Kat? What I saw from the footage of the fight, that was not the girl I’ve trained with before. During Tris’ sparring with Lynn, you were concerned but had it under control.”   

 

I swallow and look at my hands. I’m not sure how to answer this. There are things I can’t tell them, can’t tell anyone, because there’s so much at risk. Then there are things I can’t talk about because I’ve buried them so deep inside me, not even wanting to deal with them myself, that opening up to anyone seems impossible. 

 

I spent a good portion of my time in the shower trying to plan for what I could say if they did end up asking me about things this morning. I can’t lie to them and asking them to forget about it and leave it be isn’t going to work either. 

 

“I wasn’t prepared for what happened either and I don’t want it to happen again, but I think something like that _has_ happened to me before. I just didn’t remember it, or maybe I purposely pushed the memory back. Do you remember when I was telling you about what happened with the factionless guys and when I got shot?”

 

“Of course,” Zach responded quickly and with a curt nod, cutting the other two off from needing to reply. “I remember you saying that everything went red and hazy. Was that what happened yesterday?”

 

“It wasn’t _exactly_ like that but it was very similar. The thing is, that isn’t the first encounter we’ve had with factionless that did, or could have, gotten physical. While I never lost control like I did yesterday or that day so long ago, I’ve felt that same panic, anger, and fear each time. It doesn’t help that I know for a fact that she’s had brush-ups with factionless and gotten hurt when I haven’t been able to be there. I guess you could say that yesterday, it was like I was seeing one of my worst fears become real. So I guess on the bright side, I know at least one of the fears I’ll be facing in the next stage.”

 

“Fuck,” Chase muttered lowly, hanging his head wearily while at the same time Zach asked “You know about those?” and Eric remained stonily silent. 

 

“Uri, Mar, and Lynn told me about the different stages of initiation and that the second stage is called fear sims. They don’t know more than the title but from that, we were all able to make educated guesses what it would entail.”

 

“Kat,” Chase sighs and sits back in his chair. “We are going to _have_ to do something about how you’re reacting to situations. Because if that’s how it is in real life, it’s going to be ten times worse in sims.”

 

I nod while thinking, trying not to let the uneasiness and worry overtake me at his statement. Part of me is wondering if they might just wash their hands of me right here and now. I’m clearly more trouble and damaged than they should have to deal with. 

 

I clear my throat and answer him. 

 

“Because of that day with the factionless and a few other encounters, I found a way to try and keep my focus. At least, that was the hope when I started it. I plan on using my meditation technique at the start of the day and before any of her fights for the rest of initiation. I don’t know if it will work the same because all it really does is help me keep my focus and limit outside influences from distracting me. That’s all worked out for me when I’m training or just doing simple tasks. Yesterday was the first time I actually used it in the middle of a fight.”

 

“Do you always say the mantras out loud or is it usually internal?” Eric’s asks, his chest rumbling along with the words. 

 

“Internal. I don’t know why I was saying them out loud yesterday. Maybe hearing my own voice calmed me, or maybe some part of me knew that saying them out loud would unsettle Drew? I don’t know, maybe it was both?” I answered with a shrug since I still can’t really determine what spurred me to do that either. 

 

Chase looks at Eric questioningly, almost as if he’s waiting for Eric to decide where to go from here or something, causing me to look at Eric as well. 

 

Eric isn’t looking at any of us but looking at some point on the wall of the shelves we’re facing. I would think he’s not even paying attention and lost in thought if it weren’t how calculating his eyes look. After a few seconds, they flit to me.

 

“How about you make all your focusing internal and not let that particular ability be known? The three of us will know, obviously, but if your friends don’t already know about it, try and keep it that way. The fewer people who know, the better, because it puts you at an advantage. And you’re going to take every one of those you can get from now on.”

 

Eric’s tone is almost conversational in comparison to how he normally speaks but that doesn’t make this any less command on his part. I know that he’s expecting this to be what happens no matter how I feel about it, and I admit, even the thought of keeping this a secret from my sister and friends does rankle me. 

 

_What’s one more secret though, right?_

 

“I will. As I said, I’m going to make sure to do that before all her fights and just through the days in general until it’s a natural reflex for me. Like muscle memory.”

 

“Good. Now, what was this about an issue or incident with a former member of your faction and all the other brush-ups?” He pronounces as he looks at me seriously. I have to shift because the position of being so pulled to his side isn’t comfortable when I’m trying to look at him. 

 

That deadly soft tone in the demand has a shiver of apprehension racing down my spine. The apprehension isn’t for me or what I think he might do to me once he finds out the things I’ve been holding inside. It’s for my old faction and others I’m trying to protect. And it’s not just him that I worry about reaction wise, it’s Chase and Zach too. 

 

It’s easy to forget who these men are and what they’re capable of when I’ve only experienced their goodwill, their friendship. Looking at them now as they wait for a response from me, I can see their other sides in their eyes. It makes me pause and reevaluate things, knowing I have to be careful that I can make things clear while not betraying the things that must stay secret; at least for now.

 

“I have a question for you guys first.” I pause and wait for them to either tell me to get on with it or play along for now. 

 

“Okay,” Zach agrees with a nod. “Just know that this isn’t something you are going to be able to distract us from.”

 

“I know, I wasn’t going to try and distract you from it, it’s all related.” I shrug and see their nods for me to go ahead. “Do you know if Dauntless, or even the other factions besides Abnegation, have people that leave the faction to go factionless on their own? Sometimes even before they’ve had their choosing?”

 

Eric looks at me curiously, an eyebrow lifted and his blue eyes have that calculating look. “Dauntless has the highest percentage of members going to the factionless due to age or injury but as far as I know few, if any, leave Dauntless without being made to for some reason. Erudite is the second highest in the city, but those are for their own varying reasons that they aren’t required to report. I’m not sure about Candor and I seriously doubt I’ve heard about an Amity leaving that faction if it wasn’t at their choosing.”

 

“Candor has their share but there really aren’t that many overall. I’m not sure about dependents leaving before their choosing but I know that Candor has the highest defections rate with Erudite being a close second. I know for certain that in Candor the dependents are all assigned a counselor of a sort for the last two years before they are expected to choose. Everything is monitored and evaluated and if they think the dependent is doing poorly or not fitting in, they tell them to pick somewhere, anywhere, else at choosing.” Zach rounds out the answer for me.

 

“Wow,” I blink at that influx of information and try to process it. “Wow,” I repeat again and think back on all those times I used to imagine my family having been anything but Abnegation. I shake my head and get back on track. “You mentioned Dauntless, Erudite, Candor, and Amity; but not Abnegation. Is that because you don’t know what their percentage is?”

 

Eric shifts in impatience and looks at me. “I haven’t really cared to pay much attention but I think I remember that very few defections are reported before, during or after choosing for Abnegation at all. What does this have to do with you, Kat?”

 

I’m sure it pisses Eric off that I don’t answer him right away. Instead, I look at Chase and Zach, mainly focusing on Zach. I know out of the three men, he is much more likely to be aware of things like that. He looks to be deep in thought before he finally shrugs. “He’s right, there are very few of those for Abnegation.”

 

I sigh wearily and close my eyes because this isn’t going to go over well, what I’m about to tell him. “There are very few _reported officially_ then, but in my old faction, it was actually very, very common. The last ten years saw a big increase but since the choosing age was changed the first time, my mom said it got even worse. Not many people in the faction really know about it, that this is a problem, but there’s this taboo on talking about it at all anyway. They even have a name for them, the ones that leave Abnegation willingly to go to the factionless, they call them _‘the fallen’_.”

 

I see they are about to let loose a million questions on me so I raise a hand to stop them. “Please, just, let me say all this and then if you have more questions I can answer what I’m able to then. Okay?”

 

I get grudging nods of agreement. 

 

It’s hard to explain those that my old faction refers to as the fallen. On one hand, I could go on and on about what I think of them and why I think most of them leave. Some of it would be just opinions and some are actual fact that I was able to get from the people themselves. The most difficult thing I face as I begin to explain this is trying to put it in a light that won’t make Abnegation look completely horrible. 

 

To do this, I start out by telling them how and when I first became aware that there was even a group like that in existence.

 

It was about two years before the day my sister and I were attacked by that group of men. I was with my mom and we were passing out clothes and care packages filled with personal hygiene essentials. A young woman, I would say about five years younger or so than my mom was at the time, approached us. She had a small child with her and requested clothes for them and a baby as well. Mom helped her out and the two talked for a good bit. Before she left, my mom had been able to gather up some things for the baby. Although my mother was always friendly and helpful to everyone, I got the impression the two were actually friends. Shortly after she left a few of the elder Abnegation women that were working with us that day came up to my mom and scolded her for talking to the woman, for not shunning her as _‘was only proper for one of those that have fallen’_. Their words exactly.

 

That was the first time I ever heard the term or even knew that there was something that Abnegation considered lower than factionless. That was also the first time that I ever saw how hateful and judgemental my faction could be towards anything they didn’t think was right. And believe me, they were extremely hateful to those that left to go to the factionless. I have seen them refuse to help anyone they recognize among them. Even going so far as physically turning their backs on them even if they desperately need help.

 

There’s no way to sugar coat any of that, and I don’t try when I explain this to Eric, Chase, and Zach. 

 

“I don’t understand why any Abnegation would choose to go to the factionless when they see first hand how they live!” Chase exclaims. “Especially if they know that’s how they are going to be treated for doing it in the first place.”

 

“Like I said, I don’t think that there are many that really know about this. I only know because, after that day, I couldn’t just forget it like I think my mom hoped I would, and got answers for myself. This ranged from me talking to those people or just making a nuisance of myself and asking my parents, but I was able to find out a few things.”

 

“So tell us. I know you’re trying to hedge around saying anything bad about Abnegation, Kat. Don’t. Just tell us everything and we’ll go from there.” Eric’s demand was soft but firm and I could tell he was losing patience.

 

So, why would someone choose to be factionless even when they knew how bad it was from seeing it first hand? 

 

According to my mom, most of the cases were people that formed an attachment to someone in the factionless. For varying reasons, they then decide to be with them even if they have to leave their homes and families behind. This tended to happen a lot with young women but there have been some men that leave for this reason. 

 

According to my dad, they leave because they’ve decided that the best way to help the factionless is by living like one. 

 

This is what I tell Eric, Chase, and Zach in regards to who the fallen are and how they came about.

 

What I don’t tell them is my own belief that the increase of those that left Abnegation before they could even choose these last few years is because they would rather be factionless than spend _one more second_ in a faction that was fast becoming ruled by the cult-like followers of Marcus Eaton. 

 

What I don’t say is that I think my own choosing had a bare handful of Abnegation that left the faction for another because all the others were either too brainwashed, browbeaten, manipulated or afraid to leave. 

 

What I don’t say is that I think this was exactly what Marcus Eaton wanted when he pushed for the choosing age change this last time, and that if he suspected Abnegation would loose dependents to the factionless because of this he didn’t care; because in one way or another they would still be under his influence.

 

“So where does Alistair fit into all of this?”

 

“I think you know where Eric,” I say and sigh wearily. “He’s considered one of the fallen. He left Abnegation shortly into his initiation. I don’t know why. I never got the chance to ask him even though I looked for him when I found out he left. He seemed to just disappear. The first time I saw him after that was also the last.”

 

I took a drink of the water Zach got up to get me sometime during my long explanation and questioning afterward. The water was soothing to me but I really would rather some more coffee at this point. Eric takes the glass from me once I have it drained and puts it on the end table beside him while I continue.

 

“His family and mine, I guess you could say they were fairly close. Real friendships, or attachments, of any kind, aren’t encouraged because it takes away from being selfless, at least according to some people in the faction. Alistair is a few years older than me. He was one of the ones that had their choosing before the age change took effect but he barely made the age requirement for it. We knew before choosing he was going to stay, but there had been times he mentioned that living among the factionless might be a better way to help them. So when he was gone, that’s what I thought might have happened. That he was one of those that decided the best way to give was to leave everything behind to do that fully. It was a shock when we ran into him on our way to the volunteer center. I’ve seen some bad cases among the factionless, but he was by far the worst. He looked sick, haggard, and much older than someone just out of their teens. He was raving, delirious even, and it took a while to get him to make sense but from what I could make out of his speech, he didn’t leave Abnegation willingly and he was completely bitter about the fact. Whatever happened to him, he was choosing to take it out on us, and that’s where the trouble started.”

 

“He demanded all of our food and that we go get him more things in payment for what we owed him. I tried to be compassionate and put myself in his place but the second he started bad mouthing my family; my parents and my sister, the minute he started threatening them, I snapped. I lost all compassion and felt completely disgusted with him. He reeked of liquor and filth, looking like he didn’t even try to bathe or take care of himself at all, and I said as much. I told him that we owed him nothing and that he seemed to have no trouble finding liquor so he should be able to get his own clothes and food. He became belligerent and started yelling out all kinds of threats. Saying that I had no clue what he’d been forced to do but I would find out soon enough if I wasn’t careful. He said that he knew people that could make us disappear and if, or when we were ever found, we would either be a used and broken body or just wishing we were dead.”

 

“I should have left as soon as he even looked like he might become violent. Tris wanted to go well before he first started looking unstable, but I still remembered our friend Alistair and I just couldn’t think that he was completely gone. That, that man wasn’t still inside there somewhere.”

 

“Not everyone is good and even if he had done some things that could be considered that way, it doesn’t mean that he himself was a good person.” Eric scoffs angrily.

 

I turn my head and look at him to see his jaw is clenched tightly and he isn’t looking directly at me but there is a flash of something in his eyes, pain before he jerks his head and looks out the window. 

 

I look at where his arm is resting and has been since we shifted at the beginning of the conversation. The arm that had been draped over my shoulders, holding me close to his side, is now half on my leg that I have folded under me, and half on his own leg. I reach out and lightly lay my hand on his until he un-clenches his fist and grabs mine, finally turning his head to look at me when I give his hand a squeeze. 

 

“Not everyone is capable of being good, Kat,” Eric mutters bitterly. 

 

There’s that flash of pain but this time he doesn’t try and hide it as he did before and I know without a doubt he’s talking about himself.

 

“I don’t believe that, Eric.” I smile at him and shake my head. “I could go into an entire debate about good vs. evil and why I think there’s such a huge grey area in between those two extremes, but I won’t. I’m realistic, no matter how naive I sound, and I know that good won’t always win out in the end. Bad things happen and sometimes they are done by people that are mostly good but are making some really bad decisions in the circumstances they find themselves. On the whole, I think people just want to live their lives and don’t set out to hurt others. But, we’re all human. We make mistakes and do things for all kinds of reasons.”

 

I glance around after I finish and see varying looks in the three men. Some are easier to read than others. Chase had a mixture of relief and pain. Zach relief and maybe even pride as he smiled at me. I save looking at Eric for last. I don’t know what he’s thinking but I can tell my words have had some kind of effect on him. I think I even see a hint of a smile at the edges of his lips. 

 

“So what happened next,” Eric prodded me to continue on with my story after we all took a second to collect ourselves.

 

“I tried to appeal to that person I remembered at first, and I think that’s made him worse. I don’t think he liked to be reminded of who he was. The result was, by the time Tris had enough and pulled me to leave, he backhanded her and told her that I wasn’t going anywhere until he was done with me. As soon as he laid hands on her all bets were off for me and I went at him. I guess he was expecting it or hoping for it at the very least because he tackled me to the ground and we had a scuffle before Tris leaped into it.” 

 

Eric’s grip on my hand became painful but I didn’t pull it back. It wasn’t until he looked at me and saw me wince a little that he realized what was happening. He let go with a curse and I moved closer, thinking he was going to pull away altogether. His arm went around my shoulders and I settled against his side then continued speaking, needing to get this over with.

 

“It was all a mess before some other factionless came over and pulled him off of us. One of the guys told someone in the small group to run and get my mom from the Volunteer center since he recognized me, then ordered another person to take Alistair away. He warned him that he needed to stay away, that they gave him a chance and took him in, but they weren’t going to put up with his behavior anymore.”

 

“Do you know what happened to him after that?” The question came from Zach. I think Eric and Chase didn’t trust themselves to speak and even for him, it was coming out strained.

 

“No, I never saw him again and I never heard anything about him either. I had to tell you about the fallen to explain who Alistair has become and how the others stepped in to help. Because there are those among the factionless that really _do_ try and...I don’t know...police the others. I’m not sure if they were all former Abnegation or not but I know that’s what most of the so-called fallen try to do. I know it’s what the group that pulled him off of us were trying to do that day at least.”

 

“Kat, do you remember any other details about the group. The size and if they were armed or not?” Chase asks, scowling.

 

I bite my lower lip and shake my head knowing, in this, I can be completely truthful. “Honestly, while I wasn’t as bad as the day I was shot or yesterday, I was still pretty bad. Between hesitating and it resulting in Tris getting hurt, to me losing focus after she got hurt, that entire encounter is a mess in my mind. All I could and have been able to focus on was what I did wrong.”

 

“Starting tomorrow we will be working on all that, Kat. No more allowing your anger or emotions to rule you during those situations.” Eric states firmly.

 

His tone is calm and collected but I’m not fooled. I see the fire and anger in his eyes. His arm is still holding me to his side and I can feel the trembling in the muscle there and the rest of his body, as if it’s radiating through him so much he has to hold himself in check from acting on it.

 

“I plan to work on that and never let it happen again,” I respond with a nod and trying not to show the fear I have at what he could have planned for me.

 

“Good,” He replies tightly. “How are you feeling right now?”

 

“I’m not hurting as much but I feel like I could fall asleep right here, right now.”

 

“Then do it. Close your eyes and rest. We have a few hours before we need to leave.” 

 

“Umm...no, I’m fine.” I hesitate, then dismiss the suggestion.

 

“If you say that _one more_ time when I _clearly_ know you’re not….” Eric hisses but doesn’t finish the threat. He grunts softly as he reaches over to grab a pillow from the other side of me. 

 

A gust of air catches my attention and I see a throw blanket from the other couch is tossed lightly over to us by Zach.

 

Before I know what’s happening I’m laying down and looking up at Eric who looks half amused and half pissed at my bewildered and speechless expression. 

 

I’m not exactly laying in his lap but just to one side of him on the pillow, he grabbed just seconds before. He’s still sitting up and in the same spot, close enough to me to still feel his body heat and his hand to be draped on my shoulder as I lay on my side. 

 

“Sleep.” He orders me lightly and then sighs before letting his head fall back on the couch and closing his own eyes. 

 

I close my eyes against the wave emotion and exhaustion and let out a sigh as I hear Chase announcing he’s going to control for something and Zach muttering that he’s going to clean up and run a few errands, with it being the general consensus that they’ll be coming back to the apartment in time for me to have to head out. Eric grunts out a reply but doesn’t seem interested in moving.

 

For a few seconds, I just lay there, listening as the door closes after Chase leaves and Zach starts to move around in the kitchen area with dishes clanking against each other. Until eventually the apartment settles into a comfortable din of noise that succeeds in lulling me to sleep.

* * *

 

 

It honestly feels like I just closed my eyes when I’m being gently shaken awake. I blink them to clear the sleep from them and sigh. One that quickly turns from hiss of disapproval to a moan of pleasure when I have a steaming cup of coffee placed in my hand after Eric helps me groggily sit up beside him.

 

“What time is it?” I ask after I’ve taken a few big gulps of coffee that caused Eric to chuckle. 

 

I turned my head to observe that he has just as big a cup of coffee as I do and that he seems to be gulping it down at about the same rate as me too. I lifted an eyebrow at him but don’t bother to point any of this out to him.

 

One, because it would require me to stop inhaling my coffee. And two, because I don’t want to test the level of Eric’s tolerance with how out of sorts he looks right now. 

 

His clothes are rumbled, his hair is a mess, that stubble on his face seems even darker than it did at the table during breakfast, and whatever rest he got sitting on the couch beside me was clearly not enough to fully get rid of those dark circles under his eyes. 

 

“We have about twenty minutes before me and you have to head down to the Pit to meet up with the others and head to the train.” Chase said after taking a seat in the same chair he was in earlier. “I figured we could head out soon and wait for your friends since it might take you a bit longer for you to walk there. How are you feeling by the way? Is your breathing any better?”

 

He asks this as I’m sipping my coffee and I take that time to evaluate myself. A small twist from side to side and deep breath produces only a mild twinge in my ribs compared to this morning. I still feel like I got ran over by something but now it’s more like the lumbering bus I used to ride as opposed to a train moving at full speed.

 

I tell Chase this as Zach takes a seat on the other chair and nods in relief. “That will make getting on and off the train easier at least.”

 

“It’s still going to hurt like hell and those ladders and steep climbs aren’t going to help either. Normally, it’s recommended to rest and keep it iced with as little movement as possible, but you can’t afford that. So, just try and take your time whenever you have to climb ladders and stairs. It isn’t a weakness to be cautious.”

 

Eric’s words aren’t phrased like one, but I hear the command in the gruff tone and the way he’s looking at me with a hint of worry and agitation in his eyes. 

 

“ _There’s a precipice on either side of you. A precipice of caution and a precipice of over-daring [ Winston Churchill]_ ,” I respond sleepily, using one of my mantras, with a smile and shrugged my shoulders.

 

Eric lifts an eyebrow and smirks at me as Chase snorts out a laugh. “Exactly. So, let’s not get too over-daring and go over the literal precipice today. I’ll be extremely pissed if you do.”

 

I give him a mock salute in response then hurriedly gulp my coffee when I see Chase getting up to put his empty mug in the kitchen.

 

“You have a few more minutes, Kat. Don’t kill yourself trying to get that down.” Zach cautions me with a frown.

 

“What are you two up to today?” I ask Eric and Zach. I already know that Chase will be going with the groups to the fence.

 

Zach answers first after giving a weary sigh. “I have to go to Candor and attend meetings about the six-month safety checks of the Judicial complex. Not looking forward to that, but someone has to do it since Raze is doing the ones along the fence still.”

 

I laugh a little at his pout. I know that he has no love for his old faction, neither does Chase. The two of them were friends even before transferring, with Zach coming to Dauntless the year before Eric and Chase. As far as I can tell, any family connections other than each other were all left behind in Candor. Considering their attitudes I’m surprised that Zach actually choose a job that has him working so closely with the faction. 

 

“I have a Council meeting to attend. Part of the reason the visit to the fence was scheduled for today.” Eric grumbles.

 

I nod and finish my coffee. There isn’t much I can say regardless, but finding out where Eric is headed today causes an unexpected flash of pain in me and I almost feel a bit jealous of him. Not that I envy him having to sit through the boring meetings and proceedings, but because I know that my dad will be there. 

 

I guess I’m not successful in completely masking that because I see Chase giving me a sympathetic look as I clear my throat and drain the last dregs of coffee. I stand up and go to put the empty mug in the kitchen only to be met by Zach and have it taken from me.

 

“Kat,” Eric calls my name and motions me over to the table, holding a jacket in his hands. I walk over, my eyes flitting between what he’s holding and him, and I blush when he begins to help me put it on. “Chase has some more of the same meds for you that you’re going to need to take in a few hours. It’ll help you get through the day and with a little of the pain at least.” 

 

His voice is a low rumble and his face is all scrunched up in worry as he fiddles with the collar of the jacket. I can’t help but smile at this. Any embarrassment I felt about him helping me get dressed, again, along with the mixed feelings I have about being given a new jacket, fades in the face of his care and worry.

 

All I can feel is a rush of warmth and a need to set his mind at ease. 

 

“I’ll be a good little girl and take my medication…Sir,” I say playfully then flush in when I realize how it really came out, as a flirty purr. Especially when I called him Sir. 

 

Eric’s eyes snapped up to mine and widen slightly in surprise, making my blush deepen.  I was just beginning to worry that I had messed up when a slow smile started to creep across his face. He tugged his bottom lip between his teeth for a second and looked like he was thinking hard or debating something before he released it and stepped even closer to me. 

 

“I expect you to come back to me in the same condition you are leaving me in…” He pauses while his head moves forward, leaning down until his mouth is beside my ear “...kitten.” He finishes in a bare whisper and a soft growl.

 

Despite me desperately trying to fight it back, a shiver explodes down my back. He pulls back and looks at me with a smirk. 

 

“Time to go,” I hear Chase say behind me and have to shake my head to clear it. 

 

I turn towards him in a daze and follow him out of the door in the same state. I look over my shoulder and see Eric standing in the doorway watching us walk away with dark eyes. He gives a slight chin lift and lets the door close without another word.

 

Chase is oddly quiet for most of the walk, giving me time to try and clear my head. I know I already decided to talk to Lynn but I decide on the walk that I’m also going to take her up on another offer of doing it over a beer or two. Normally, that wouldn’t be something I do, but tonight I feel a need to get out of my own head for a few seconds and Lynn has said that’s a sure fire way to do that.

 

I feel like a pressure cooker and everything is starting to build inside of me, begging me to release at least some of it. There are things I can’t talk to anyone about and I don’t know that I ever will be able to. 

 

It’s starting to feel like too much to handle now that my feelings for Eric have been added to the mix. The memory of this morning, of the two of us in the bathroom won’t leave me alone. The way his hands felt against my skin seems to be burned into the places he touched me. My body is throbbing and it’s only getting worse the longer my mind dwells on that. 

 

I’m not sure I like it, how much I can’t control what my body is doing, but at the same time...I don’t want it to end either.

 

* * *

 

 

Chase and I got to the Pit way before any of the others arrived so we took a seat and waited for them. It didn’t take much longer for the others to start arriving. Dauntless-born were first and I couldn’t help the smile as I saw my sister with my friends as they made their way towards us.

 

It looks like she got that shower and even though it kills me to see her all battered and bruised, seeing her laughing and smiling with my friends makes it a little better. 

 

Uri has his arm loosely slung over her shoulders while Lynn is on Tris’ other side grinning at her. Whatever they are talking about has my friend practically beaming at my sister with pride. Knowing Lynn like I do, I’m pretty sure that it’s about the literal and figurative blow Tris delivered Peter in their fight yesterday.

 

Lynn practically crowed her approval when she came to the clinic last night. 

 

When they caught sight of me, they rushed over. I could see the worry written all over their faces, especially my sisters. Something about that rankled me and I was about to let a snarky comment go when Chase beat me to the punch.

 

“Good, you guys are finally here. Should have seen her face when she saw what she would be doing for her punishment. Kat’s been pouting all morning because she got stuck doing paperwork.”

 

I look at him in surprise and see him give me a sly wink. That response was too smooth and practiced, making me think he already had it prepared to tell them. As far as cover stories go, it’s a good one and his description of what my reaction would be is pretty accurate.

 

It’s so accurate that Tris laughs and gives a nod. “Kat has never liked paperwork. When we would be stuck doing it for our volunteer time she always tries and get out of it by offering to do anything else.” She stops and grins at me. “She always came around when I convinced her that at least we were learning something from it, even if it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit that.”

 

She starts to blush when I raise an eyebrow meaningfully at her. Tris knows full well she hated doing that stuff just as much as me, she was just never as vocal about it as I was. That simple gesture is enough to have us both busting out a laugh at the same time.

 

“I wouldn’t think doing paperwork would be considered volunteer work,” Lynn commented wryly, grinning at us.

 

“It wasn’t the usual kind of work but for some, like me and Kat, it was pretty common. If a dependent had parents that trained them on using the computer equipment or how to do the paperwork, then they would help out with it. I admit, if we could get out of it, we did. But about two years before we stopped going to school, we were given more responsibilities to help out. No one really wanted to do it, so mom decided we would pick up the slack.” 

 

“Yeah, it was a pain in the ass. It might sound like we were getting off with the lighter work but a lot of it was on Erudite systems or their formatted paperwork, which was a major pain in the ass to have to deal with.” I huff out, still acting like I’m pouting and frustrated.

 

What I’m really feeling is uncomfortable and uneasy about where the conversation is at right now. I was never able to confirm why four years ago my parents suddenly assigned me and my sister to work mostly at the volunteer center doing those kinds of jobs. I had previously been stuck doing my volunteer time doing whatever Marcus Eaton said I was supposed to do. For a few years that was doing his housework and cooking. My personal reparations for trying to damage his reputation and for the supposed offense of driving his son away from the faction in shame. 

 

I think it might have been an incident where Marcus sent me to one of the sectors known for more incidents of violence than any others. I came back from that battered and bruised, but not for the reason I had to publicly give. I always wondered if my mom had suspicions about Marcus and I also wondered why she didn’t do more if she did. 

 

_Would she have been able to really do anything besides put herself in danger, Kat? Think about it._

 

I swallow thickly and trying to keep back the tears of anger that seem to come from nowhere; anger I don’t want to feel for my parents and refuse to. 

 

After I healed up, I spent time in Amity, helping out there wherever they needed me. When I came back from that time, that’s when the changes were made. Mom might have been trying to help, but she would never know how much worse things became for me after that. He got smart and any damage was never that visible again.

 

The loud crack of Lynn snapping her fingers right in front of my face jars me and I flinch before I recover. I look around and see everyone frowning at me or looking concerned.

 

“You doing okay, Kat? You’ve been spaced out for a few minutes now.” Mar asks as she reaches out and puts out a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

 

I mentally berate myself but allow a tired sigh to escape me as I nod. “I’m not going to lie, I feel like I could go back to bed right now. The sleep meds last night did help but not sleeping well in the dorms, plus being hurt, it’s catching up to me.” I reply truthfully and shrug. “I’m a little spacey feeling.”

 

Everyone but Chase seems to really accept this. He looks at me long and hard before he sighs, shakes his head, and looks away. Whatever he sees has him scowling so I follow his eyes and find Four leaning against a wall not far off and scowling at us in general. I could tell that Chase sitting next to me was bothering him. Enough that it was pretty clear when I caught the little flash of jealousy in his eyes.

 

_Oh, we will be having that talk soon, Tobias Eaton._

 

I’ve been dreading and avoiding things for far too long and now I’m looking forward to it. 

 

“Time to make our way to the tracks,” Chase says on a growl as he stands up, giving Four hard eyes that make him back down and start directing the other initiates around him. Chase turns his head back to me and puts out a hand with a smirk on his lips. “Come on, stumpy. You need more time to get your short legs to match everyone else’s.”

 

The taunt and smirk are playful but my return glare is a little heated. I accepted the hand up and squeezed his just a bit too hard and long, causing him to laugh when I released it in a snarl and shuffled off.

 

The walk is slow going, or slower than I would like. I want to push myself to go faster up the stairs and other various paths we have to take to the exit Four’s leading us to but since Tris is struggling just as much as I am, I don’t. We catch sight of Peter walking ahead of us, and you would think it would make us feel good to see him struggling. To see him walking gingerly with his fists clenched at his sides as he goes. 

 

Honestly, it doesn’t feel good at all and a pang of guilt rushes through me. I look at Tris and see that mirrored in her eyes, knowing she feels even more guilt because she’s the one that delivered the blow. I give her a tight smile of understanding as I link my arm through hers and tug her on, speeding us up just a little.

 

I want to get past Peter if I can and we manage to pass him and his friends even if we don’t get much farther ahead of them before we reach the stop to wait for the train.

 

I’m not prepared for the run.

At. All.

I know Tris is in the same condition but she’s a bit better than me. My side is protesting me breathing much less trying to run, but I push on. I’m one of the last ones still running. Ahead of me, Tris reaches out for the train door but hands shoot out and grab her, lifting her effortlessly into the car. I saw her discomfort the second Al’s hands made contact with her, but I couldn’t do much beyond glare at him while I huffed and puffed and tried to get on myself.

 

A rock leaps out of the ground, from nowhere, and my foot catches on it. I know I’m in trouble and it’s going to hurt like hell when I face plant into the ground. I brace myself for impact but it never comes.

 

Hands are lifting me up into the car.

 

I get ready to thank my savior profusely, knowing it’s most likely Chase only to look up and see green eyes glaring at me coldly. I think I mutter something like…’do what now’. 

 

Peter Hayes jerks his hands away from me like I’m carrying some infectious disease and moves off with a sneer on his lips. 

 

I kinda still want to thank him while the other part of me wants to call him a dick. I don’t get the chance to do either. Lynn pulls me to the other side of the car with a deadly glare being aimed at Peter’s back and her hissing to me in my ear along the way. 

 

“What the fuck was that about?” 

 

I shake my head, still fairly stunned. “I have no goddamn clue. Did he at least _look_ like he was thinking about throwing me from the train?” I know I’m grasping for ideas about what might have possessed him to have done that. 

 

_Maybe just my death or maiming wouldn’t have been enough to satisfy him and he wants it to be by his actual hand? That seems plausible._

 

I realize I say this out loud when Lynn’s lips tilt in amusement and she shakes her head. “ I don’t know. We both saw you running but I was further away. I saw him roll his eyes and start cursing the ' _stupid stiff'_  then he reached out and just plucked you up.”

 

I shrug it off and look around for Tris, wanting to check on her. I spot Al first, slumped against the wall and looking miserable. It’s pretty much the only expression I ever see on his face. I look to either side of him and see Christina and Will but no Tris. I scan further into the car and spot her talking to Four. Whatever is being said must not be good because it has her shaking her head and spinning away from him, leaving Four with a sour look on his face and glaring in Al’s direction.

 

“Good job, ace,” I mutter to low for anyone to hear and roll my eyes in exasperation at Tobias messing up as usual.

 

Whatever Al and Four did or said pissed my sister off good. She frostily avoids them and joins the rest of us. Standing beside Lynn with Uri flanking the other side. We lean against the wall of the train and make small talk as it speeds through the different city center sectors, heading out into the wide open spaces that Amity calls home. 

 

Most of the ride is really spent by us enjoying the fresh air and sun that shines after it breaks over the mountains. Will keeps the conversation going by rattling off knowledge he learned in Erudite as we go along with others making jokes or comments about the tidbits he offers. It’s all mostly good-natured and not making fun of Will himself, though a few times I would say that Christina gets close it. I’ve learned to deal with this by mostly just biting my lip and keeping quiet. I seriously don’t think she realizes how she comes off in times like these and it’s almost like she can’t help it. 

 

Lynn surprised everybody when she was the most responsive to Will as if she was truly interested in what he was saying. This was generally after Christina had made some comment about Will not knowing how to turn off his Erudite. I couldn’t tell if it was just to piss the former Candor off, or if because she really was interested. I think it might have been a combination of both. 

 

At one point, I tuned them out when I got caught up watching the landscape roll by. I loved watching as the mountains near Amity got closer. I moved closer to the door to have a wider view and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the wind whipping through it and around me. It’s cold and has a definite bite to it even with the sun out to warm things up, but the jacket I was provided by Eric helps to keep it tolerable. 

 

I can’t help that my lips curl into a smile at that memory of Eric helping me get dressed and then again with the jacket. 

 

“Penny for your thoughts,” Chase’s deep voices rumbles from beside me and I open my eyes to look at him. He’s moved so that he’s actually in the doorway of the train, arms crossed over his chest and feet planted so that he fully braced. 

 

I smile at his use of that old adage and laugh softly. “I don’t think they’re even worth a penny.”

 

He gives a shoulder lift and smirks. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that.”

 

“I was just thinking that I didn’t thank person, or persons, responsible for the fact that I’m not a freezing mess right now. The jacket is very nice.” 

 

A smile lights up his face and eyes even though he casually shrugs. “I’m sure whoever was responsible just wanted to make sure you didn’t come home sick on top of being hurt. They might also have been sure you needed full winter gear. Gloves, hat, boots and a thicker coat just to name a few things. That got denied when it only got two votes in favor of it.”

 

I let out a loud laugh and shake my head while trying to imagine what other items would have been added and how ridiculous I would have looked. I say as much to Chase and he laughs right along with me.

 

“We might be a tad over-protective of you, if you haven’t noticed, Kat.”

 

I blush red and shake my head. “You think? Let me guess, Zach was the voice of reason?”

 

By now we’ve lowered our voices and mine adds this even lower, making sure that no one else can hear us. I glance around and see that no one is really paying us much attention. 

No one except Lynn that is when she sees me looking she raises an eyebrow and pointedly looks away. I know she’ll ask about it later but for now, she’s content to just keep a look out for me.

 

“You would be correct in that guess,” Chase says with a smile in his voice, bringing my attention back to him. “Although, we did all agree it was a good idea to just go ahead and have that all on hand for you.”

 

He says that so casually, but I see the way his eyes cut over to look at me worriedly. I guess there wasn’t any way to hide how my smile dropped as a myriad of feelings rushed forward. 

 

The first is the one I’m most used to, not wanting anyone to go to any trouble or being inconvenienced for me. I realize that is an Abnegation trait but it’s also part of my pride. I didn’t hate my friends buying or giving me things but I enjoyed the sense of independence and freedom I had to either get them on my own or not. 

 

Being given something from Eric, Chase, and Zach...it was a confusing mix of pleasure and worry that overwhelmed my first instinct. The worry is that they are doing this because they feel like they need to do this. I worry that that need is because they also see me as weak.

 

I don’t know if it's something in my expression Chase off to the battle being waged in me but he nudges me with his elbow, making me turn and look at him. 

 

All humor from both of us is gone and he looks so serious right now, his eyebrows drawn together and forehead wrinkled. He isn’t scowling or frowning but I can see something of that in his eyes. 

 

“Kat,” He starts out, stops and takes a breath before releasing it slowly and leaning just a bit closer so I can hear him clearly but no one else will. “We don’t think you’re weak. And just because someone does something for someone else doesn’t mean that it’s because they think the other person couldn’t do it for themselves. Anything we do for you, or with you, isn’t going to be because you aren’t capable. It’s because we can and we want to. I’ll be honest and admit that I know it might come off wrong, especially when _certain people_ can be overbearing about things. But I think you can tell that even in the short amount of time you’ve been here we’ve all come to...care for you. Look at it this way, you wouldn’t think twice about giving one of your friends or family something would you?”

 

I was already feeling petty and like a little girl but this comment just made me feel even worse for letting my feelings overshadow their generosity towards me. 

 

I believe Chase when he says they don’t think me weak but I don’t think he gets that I don’t mean in a physical way. In terms of knowledge and skill, I know I’m weak when compared to them. While I’m here feeling upset and worried about that I should see that the real gift, the real value, the thing that means the most, is their willingness to share that with me. To pass it on. 

 

I should be feeling grateful and appreciative instead of letting my pride and stubbornness come back and bite me in the ass again. 

 

“I would do the same thing. I would do what I could to make sure the person I cared about is taken care of. It wouldn’t be me looking down on them or trying to ingratiate them to me. It wouldn’t be any more than me being who I am and doing what I believe in; a protector, a provider and a good friend.” 

 

It almost looked like he was apprehensive about something in my answer until he smiles at me and it lights up his eyes once again. “Exactly. Just remember that tomorrow too, Kat. It’s going to be hard to do when he starts the training he has planned for you. But like I said, it will never be because we...he...thinks you’re weak.”

 

I didn’t like the ominous tone in his words at all. I can’t imagine what Eric has planned and I have to stop myself from asking since it seems like Chase knows. I think it might be better if I don’t know. I might just chicken out. 

 

_Yeah right. That’ll just make it worse._

 

I nod and smile tightly. “I think I already knew that something like that was coming. I don’t know how it wouldn’t be after yesterday.”

 

Uri and Mar choose that moment to get into a playful scuffle that spills over and knocks me off my feet slightly. Thankfully I was able to reach out and latch onto Lynn and catch myself. When I look back to Chase, I see he’s already moved off and Lynn is standing there smirking at me with a creepy appraising look.

 

“What?” I snap at her and pull away then straighten myself out.

 

“You going to tell me what all that was about?” Her knowing, taunting, pierced eyebrow lift makes me want to smack her and give her some kind of comeback telling her to mind her own business until I remember that I do actually, really, want and need to talk to her.

 

I look around and see that this is not really the time or place to start it out anyway. I shake my head in the negative and look back at her. “Not right now but I was thinking that tonight we could….”

 

I don’t even get a chance to complete that sentence before she gives a little fist pump. “Yes!” She exclaims in a slight hush and with a beautifully wicked grin. “Beers and girl talk!”

 

I laugh and nod. “Yeah,” I agree then frown and look over at Mar regretfully. “But can it be just us? Would that be okay?”

 

She shrugs and briefly looks over at Mar with a tight smile. “I’m sure she won’t even notice if Uri keeps her occupied for the night. Lately, he always does.”

 

She can’t help how she feels any more than Uri and Mar can help how they do. It’s a sucky situation to be in. Loving or wanting a person you can never have. 

 

I nodded in reply and made sure not to give her a pitying look. Even before I knew a bit of how she felt, I always knew that would just make it worse for her. 

 

“So, tonight after dinner we can sneak away,” I respond with a cheerful smile and excited bounce that draws a smile out of her. 

 

We join the others now that plans have been made, just in time for the tall fence to finally come in view. 

 

“What do you think is out there?” Tris nods her head towards the door of the train in the direction of the fence and the mountains that we can see beyond it.

 

Christina shrugs beside Tris, looking completely bored and more interested in her nail polish that she’s scowling at as she tries to apply with the pen it comes in. “What else would you expect to find other than more farms? Everyone knows that Amity has some of them outside of the fence.”

 

“Yeah, I get that, Christina.” Tris snaps at her friend, bristling at the tone more than the words. “I know that just after the fence Amity has more farms but I’m talking beyond those and over the mountains.”

 

Uri looks out the door for a second then looks back with a grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Monsters!” He says while wiggling his eyebrows at her and trying to make his voice sound ominous.

 

Tris just rolls her eyes and laughs along with the rest of us. Of course, Will knows something to add and doesn’t hesitate to do that once the laughter calms down. 

 

“Something has to be out there. Maybe there wasn't before but I think there has to be now. We didn’t even have guards always stationed near the fence until about fifteen years ago.” He says but it’s more like he’s talking to himself as he looked off into the distance rolling by us out of the train door; as if it’s providing him answers right then. “Just like when the Dauntless used to patrol the factionless sectors but then stopped, something must have happened to cause that.”

 

I go absolutely still at his words, especially when he looks dead and me, thoughtfully, then looks over at Tris. “You guys would know all about that right?”

 

Tris is looking at me worriedly and gives a small shake of her head, warning me not to panic and say anything I’m going to regret. It’s hard, so hard, but I let her handle it even when I can tell it’s just as painful for her.

 

“Why would you say that?” She asks, her tone icy and cold. Raising more than a few eyebrows from our friends around us. The tone and the way she’s looking at Will is unexpected I’m sure.

 

Will’s expression is genuinely shocked and puzzled. “Well, you were Abnegation and even as dependents you still had to walk through the sectors to get home. I would think that it would have been talked about a lot at the time and maybe you two heard about it.”

 

“Abnegation aren’t nosy gossips.” I spit out and immediately feel guilty about a knee-jerk reaction. I take a few deep breaths in the silence that descends the group and hurriedly do my mantras to try and center myself again.

 

“Dependents aren’t really included in adult conversations, Will. Most of the faction believes in the philosophy of children being seen but not heard so talking about things like that weren’t done. We were really young when the Dauntless were ordered to leave the sectors. One day they were there, the next they weren’t and it was never explained, as far as I know.” Tris says quietly while she explains, truthfully, a bit of how our faction works. 

 

It seems our friends accept this but it still remains a bit awkward until that is broken through by Christina speaking up. 

 

“How did you know the way those two had to go home? Did you memorize a city map for fun?” She asks with a laugh.

 

For once, I am thankful for Christina’s brash and sometimes obnoxious methods of being playful. 

 

“Yes. Didn’t you?” Will replies in a completely straight tone of voice with just a tiny hint of being offended but we all see his lips twitching just a little and know he’s being at least a little playful in return.

 

The train's brakes start to squeal and we all lurch forward as it begins to stop. When it finally completes the stop, Four calls out to all of us from the end of the car. 

 

“Alright everyone, follow me,”

 

We do. Leaping out of the door in groups. The impact of my jump sendings jarring, shooting pains through me and I groan but keep pace with the others. 

 

A long day looms ahead of me. Despite knowing it's going to be hell on my body with all the climbing, I can’t help the tingles of anticipation for the challenge ahead, and the reward of the view from the top. 

 


	25. Unexpected Epiphanies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric travels to the Hub for a council meeting with all factions present. How will he handle coming face to face with Andrew Prior, the father he holds responsible for so much of Kat's suffering or will something unexpected change his mind?

**Chapter  - Unexpected Epiphanies**

 

** _Eric_ **

 

“You still going to try and talk to Andrew after the meeting?” Zach asks as soon as Chase and Kat are out of the door.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do at this point. Part of me wants to just so I can demand how the fuck he could let any of that shit happen to her. Not to mention all this new crap.”

He nods and finishes loading the last bit of dishes into the washer. I’m still standing by the table in the same spot I was in when Kat walked away. It’s taking everything in me not to follow her.

“I know, that’s why I’m asking. Look, I’ve been thinking about things since she came here. I worried about those reports Erudite put out so I’ve been watching Kat and her sister closely, trying to see if I can detect any kind of signs that would point to them being true. And I can say that I don’t see any of the normal signs abused children have.”

“Don’t try and play this off as my hatred for Abnegation. You can’t tell me _something_ isn’t up with her, Zach.” I snap out and glare at him.

“I’m not, Eric. But the more time I spend with her, and the more she opens up to me, I’m seeing a pattern. I agree that something is going on with her and I think that she’s been very good about hiding it until now. I get this feeling that Kat is prone to taking problems all on her own and not wanting anyone else to help because she’s afraid of what might happen to them. I think she might have gone out of her way to do that with her family.”

He patiently waits for me to process this while I sit stewing in anger and frustration but I can see the reason in his words. While I haven’t had as much time with her as they have, and not nearly the conversations Zach’s had alone with Kat, I feel like I know her enough to know that is exactly something she would do. 

“Fine,” I sigh out. “I’ll approach him, like we talked about, but if I see an opportunity to get more information out of him or address this, I’m going to Zach.”

“Good. I’m going to head out to my office and then be off to Candor. Good luck,”

He doesn’t wait for me to respond before I hear the door closing and I’m scowling after him, wondering why those two are always wishing me luck in situations where what I really need is a fucking miracle.

 

* * *

 

 

I mentally congratulate myself for not going directly after Kat and Chase until I realize the only reason for that was because I had to take the time to get my shit together. Nothing could be done about the circles under my eyes from no sleep but everything else could be set straight. I might have been dressed for the day but I looked a complete mess and that had to be fixed before I could step out my door. It took a few minutes to change into a freshly pressed uniform since the one I was wearing was completely rumpled from the rest I got on the couch with Kat. The same went for my hair, and as I combed and gelled it into place flashes of that time were playing in my mind.

It’s surprising how right it felt and how much I wanted to be holding her instead of just looking down on her as she slept beside me. When I did finally close my eyes to rest, I hadn’t had a single one of the bad dreams that usually plague me when I’ve had a hard or stressful night before. 

I know I’m in pretty deep with Kat. I mean, hell, I’m willing to go against everything I’ve believed and I’ve only known her for less than a month. This morning made me realize that it’s going to be a hell of a lot more difficult to keep things between us as friends than I thought. I already crossed more than a few lines I set for myself and blew suggestions from my friends all to hell in just those minutes alone with her in that bathroom. What makes things even harder for me is her reaction to me in that time and how responsive she is, I know I could give in and take the next step and she would be right there with me. I know it’s going to be hell and I should limit those kinds of encounters in the future if I want to keep all of these promises I’ve made. 

I won’t though. I know that as soon as I rush to get ready, grab my stuff for the day, and head to the Pit to wait for the others just so I can keep eyes on Kat, that I’m not going to be able to stop myself from spending time with her in any way I can. 

I lean against a wall near the corridor that the rest of leadership will likely take to get to the Pit. It gives me a good view of Kat where she’s sitting right now and I pull out my phone to go through emails and other things while keeping an eye on her. 

I’m glad a do this after I get an email informing me that Max will be going to Erudite for a meeting with Jeanine. It’s not really a surprise that he’s found a reason to bail this meeting, but the fact that Jeanine will not be there is a pleasant one. That’s one worry removed for me when I attempt to get Andrew Prior alone to talk. 

Walking to the Pit this morning I added something else to the list of things I wanted to address with the man. I hadn’t failed to notice the look in Kat’s eyes when I mentioned having to go to the council meeting and I knew it was about her dad. I remember Zach’s observation of Prior when his daughters picked Dauntless, how shocked and hurt he looked by their decision. 

I planned on finding out how he feels about that now. Based on that, I’m contemplating something that makes me think I’ve absolutely lost my fucking mind, but I’m going to ask Andrew Prior to show up at visiting day for his daughter. Because I know nothing could mean more to her than seeing her parents again and knowing that they accept her decision. She might be telling herself that she doesn’t care if they do or not, but I have this feeling that come visiting day if they aren’t there she will be crushed. 

The initiates all seem to flood the Pit at once and I watch as Kat gets up and starts to make her way out to the trains with her group and Chase surrounding her. A wave of jealousy at my brother hits me that he’s going to be with her all day at the fence today. When Max, James, and Victoria join me not too long after, they find me already scowling and in a foul mood. The day is just starting, but I’m ready for it to be at the end. 

  


* * *

  
I try not to zone out at the meeting like I have in the past, but it’s proving to be just as irritating and pointless as all the other times I’ve attended. I might not be paying much attention to the objectives we go through as the day progresses, but I am watching the Abnegation contingent closely and trying to do it without my usual rancor and disdain. 

It’s hard to see Andrew Prior as the man Kat’s spoken of so highly. At least not in this setting and I try to remember this as I observe him. I’m glad I do because it allows me to pick up on things that I’ve missed over the years or just forgot about immediately after because of my ingrained dislike for his faction.

The other Abnegation leaders in attendance are reserved and quiet, mostly allowing Marcus Eaton to dominate the speaking when it came to the faction itself being represented for the proceedings. I did notice that if it wasn’t Marcus speaking the other three men seemed to look to Andrew with deference. I don’t know if that’s because they have a built-in hierarchy like Dauntless, Candor and Erudite do; or if they look to him because they actually respect him more. At first, I don’t see why they would, because he seems just as meek as the rest of them.

It isn’t until an issue is called to the floor regarding food deliveries and distribution by Erudite that I actually see something different from him. 

It’s long been debated that Abnegation should not have control over the cities food supplies that are produced in the factories and the fresh ones brought in from Amity. Lately, for months really, there have been rumors circulating that there is severe mismanagement, if not outright theft, of the food supply. There are also rumors going around that Abnegation is really hoarding all kinds of supplies, not just food, while they put on the act of living simple, non-materialistic lives. It’s believed the proof would be in being able to audit and observe every delivery.

Erudite puts forth a motion that there should be observers from other factions to at least be present at the time of the deliveries but are gunning for permanent observation placements. They don’t say they want it to be their faction but I know that’s what they will try to maneuver if the motion passes. 

They present their case and evidence to support the motion being passed but I have to say it’s flimsy and all very circumstantial. Listening to all of that, and how the leader from Erudite Jasper, has very little facts and relies on fear mongering and gossip; I’m feeling pretty fucking stupid for how much I’ve fallen for that in the past. 

I ate up every damn word. Why wouldn’t I when I was raised to believe that there is that the data does not lie? That might as well be the motto in Erudite. It is anathema in Erudite to falsify any kind of data. It’s drilled into every child from birth that there can be no good that comes from that course of action. That it only leads to a loss of knowledge and hampers progress. Which is something an Erudite should never do, or at least it’s supposed to go against everything they stand for.

Just like I’m realizing how things are in Dauntless, not everything is as it should be for the other factions either. I can see that now and I feel a sick coil of dread grip me at the realization. 

I know that this motion isn’t going to go anywhere. Not when there is so very little real evidence and not when Marcus Eaton latches onto this fact gleefully to throw out it being put to a vote at all. It’s here that I get the first glimpse of the Andrew Prior both Zach and Kat have talked about, but I’ve never noticed.

I see it in his eyes first before he asks to be recognized and stands to address the group. His eyes take on a look, a fire, that I’m all too familiar with from Kat. Unlike with Kat, Andrew’s demeanor still seemed mild, subservient almost, and it leaves me wondering how many other times he’s looked like this and stood for something Marcus Eaton has opposed, and I missed it because of my bias?

Andrew seconds the motion, stating that it’s too important to faction cooperation and trust to dismiss. He realizes that there is a lack of data from Erudite but that doesn’t mean that the issue shouldn’t be addressed and handled so that the rumors can be dispelled once and for all. He also points out that it is selfish of Abnegation to deny say to all of those that are directly affected, the citizens of the city, and have the assurance that things are being handled properly.

He might have been calm, collected and cool while speaking but I hear the firm conviction, the fire, in his words. And I see the reactions of all the others around him. I see the looks of contemplation, agreement, and respect. 

Needless to say, it passes.

With that one move, I see the man I’ve heard about but I also see the thing Jeanine is so threatened by when it comes to Andrew Prior. I see how the others are looking at him and I have a feeling that they think the wrong man is leading the government, and if given a chance they would vote Andrew in, in a heartbeat. As long as Eaton is in charge, the discontent and lack of faction cooperation will continue.

That will make it so much easier for Jeanine to pull off her plans. 

This epiphany changes things for me. Kat is and will always be my main focus, my reason, but I can’t lie to myself and say she’s the only one anymore. Now it’s about making up for things I’ve allowed myself to be blinded into being part of. Even though I have no clue how to start fixing the cluster fuck we’re headed into in a hurry if things stay as they are.

 

* * *

 

Dinner is coming up fast by the time the meeting finally breaks up. I have a choice to make and I know I have to make it quickly. I can head out with James, go back to Dauntless and dinner with Kat or I can find excuses to hang back, send James on his way without me and work on securing a conversation with Andrew.

There is a big part of me that wants to say fuck it and go with the first option. Chase has sent me a few messages over the day telling me about how things are going and how Kat is. It’s helped with some of the worries but it doesn’t satisfy this craving I have to see and touch her. To confirm for myself that she’s fine and not hurting. To be there if she is. 

I feel like a junkie and she’s my addiction.

In the end, the need to make sure she’s safe and get answers overrides all of that, and I know I’m not going to get a better shot than this. 

As people are gathering their things to leave, I pretend to be working on a report of the meeting for Max and Jeanine, sending James on his way without me. When the representative for Amity starts up a conversation about the newest motion, I don’t do what I normally would which is to ignore them or walk away. By the time they leave, it’s just a few Abnegation doing clean up and me, with Andrew being one of the two.

Andrew’s a smart man and he caught on quickly that I’m sitting here, sipping slowly out of my water glass and fiddling with my tablet, as a stall tactic. He quickly dismisses his faction-mate, Jared, and finishes up the final cleaning of the conference room.

I stand, grabbing my glass and the few others around me, along with the now empty water pitcher and make my way towards him. He meets me halfway, a serene smile in place but his eyes filled with curiosity and wariness.

“I thank you for the help,” He says and holds his hands out to take the items from me. I give them over and turn to pick up a few more we pass as I follow him to where he is setting everything aside to be cleaned. “There’s no need to inconvenience yourself further, I’m sure you have other matters to attend to.” 

I nod but don’t bother to stop what I was doing. “I do. It just so happens that one of the matters is speaking to you. If you have a moment that is?”

“I can always make time when it is asked of me. Would you like to have a seat so we can speak more comfortably?” 

He only hesitated a second before he gave me a simple nod and responded smoothly, but not before I saw the flash of impatience in his eyes. I already knew it would be considered rude and selfish for an Abnegation to deny that kind of request and took advantage of it. We expected that might be his response and as much as I hate hinting that something would be wrong being seen talking together, there is no getting around this. 

“It’s close to dinnertime if I’m not mistaken, I was thinking that it would suffice to speak as we make our way home.” 

He looked confused for a brief second, his brow wrinkling before he responds. “While that would certainly be possible I’m afraid I don’t know how much time that would give us. You are bound for the train and I have my walk home ahead of me.”

“I can accompany you on the walk and catch the train when we are done. It isn’t that much out of my way to do so.” I shrug casually but I know he can see I’m not going to let this go. 

I know he also picks up on me wanting to talk, but not here. I’ll let him make out of that what he will and thankfully he doesn’t argue further. He just nods simply before asking me to wait a moment. He walks over to a room and opens the door, leaning in to speak to whoever is in there before quickly returning and motions for us to head out with neither of us speaking again.

We are out of the building and well down the path before I feel like it’s safe as I can expect it to be. I’m not quite ready to get into the deep shit yet and that isn’t the plan anyway. 

“I don’t know if you’re aware, but part of my duties as a leader for my faction includes overseeing the new initiates and their training.” 

I keep my tone as neutral as possible, conversational even, but I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye to see his reaction as we continue walking. His face betrays nothing, though there is a slight tensing of his shoulders.

“I was not aware of that. I’m sure that is a very important job for any faction but it seems especially essential for the cities protectors.”

His response honestly surprises me. Most Abnegation I’ve encountered barely mask their disdain for Dauntless and anytime we are brought into a conversation they never miss a chance to insult our ways. I quickly play the words back in my mind searching for any of that or condescension and can detect none.

“It can be a difficult job. There’s a line that needs to be held in trying to make sure that we remain strong and capable, but at the same time it can be difficult when you know that some of those initiates just aren’t suited for the faction and won’t make it.”

My answer is an honest and distracted stream of thought. I have no one specific in mind really but just thinking about the struggles in years past. It doesn’t occur to me that he would think I mean anyone specific until he stops walking suddenly and faces me with a deep and troubled frown.

That’s when it hits me that he must think I’m meaning Kat.

“I apologize, I was merely speaking of the difficulty Dauntless has in general. I don’t think it would be betraying our belief of faction before blood for me to say that your daughter is doing very well so far.” 

I allow a small smile to tilt my lips as I try and reassure the elder man of this. While I do see a flash of relief, that is soon replaced by cunning as he tilts his head and narrows his eyes. “If you are aware of one of my daughters, surely you would be aware I have two that went to Dauntless. Are they not both doing well?”

I internally rail at myself for my mistake while I clear my throat and shake my head slightly. “No, of course, they are both doing well. Better than expected to be perfectly honest.”

He continues to study me for a few, long and tense seconds before he sighs and turns to start walking again. I can see his shoulders sag just slightly and his tone is full of relief tinged with sadness. “I’m not surprised they are doing well there. I think I always knew…” He trails off, not completing the sentence, almost like he can’t, and turns to look at me. That shrewd look back in his eyes. “To which daughter where you originally referencing?”

I hesitate in answering. It was a mistake that already gave too much away and I need to find a way not to make it worse. I’m beginning to see why Zach cautioned me like he did. There is something about Andrew that hints at him being extremely intelligent buried underneath all that Abnegation demeanor.

“Mary Katherine, or as she goes by now, Kat, has shown great promise so far,” I answer hoping I kept my tone as even as I possibly could.

“Indeed? I think I should have expected as much. How involved are you with training? Do you interact much with the initiates?”

“Normally, I have very little personal contact with initiates. This year required more supervisors since the group is larger than previous years, what with the choosing age change, so I’ve taken up more responsibilities on that front. But like I said, Kat shows great promise. I saw from the beginning her potential and dedication and I can admit to wanting to foster that.”

“Hmm,” Is his initial response until he once again comes to a stop and faces me. That shrewd calculating look back in his eyes along with that fire I’ve come to know from Kat. “It sounds as if you are coming to know my daughter very well then. The question for me is if this is just as a leader of her future faction, or something a bit more personal?”

I’m surprised by his forthrightness, along with that fire just simmering in his eyes letting me know he already sees through my bullshit and wants to hear the words from my mouth, even if he won’t be pleased by them. I take way too long to answer him, probably confirming everything he's guessing at but I don’t care.

I’m arguing with myself right now. There's something in me that doesn’t want to lie to this man. I want to be honest and state my intentions to her father. I know how important he is to her and something in me wants to have his approval, maybe even blessing. I tell myself it’s for her sake but I can’t lie to myself, getting that would mean the fucking world to me.

_But you won’t get it._

Even as I prepare myself to answer I know that I won’t get anything close to his blessing. I’m pretty sure I’ll finally get exactly what I expected from him all along, disdain, disgust, condescension and being told I’m crazy if I think he would ever approve of someone like me being with his daughter. I know he'll let me know just how unworthy I am of her, and he won’t be wrong, but I’m selfish and I don’t care.

“I am, first and foremost, her Leader and her instructor for the duration of initiation. Her success in training and in Dauntless is my main focus currently. Whatever else we may become will be entirely up to her. I can truthfully state that I hope it progresses to more besides the friends we have also become.”

I work hard not to let any belligerence through. I try and keep my tone calm while still letting him know in words and tone that I mean everything I’m saying. I know that I don’t quite achieve that. My jaw is too tight, and my fists are clenched at my sides making the muscles of my arms twitch and my shoulders to tense up. 

The longer he takes to respond, the longer his hazel eyes appraise me as they move to hold mine, the more I can feel my anger build. Finally after what feels like for fucking ever he nods once while his lips tilt up, not quite in a smile, but definite amusement. 

“I have to say, I didn’t expect that answer or this, at all. Although, I don’t really know what someone can expect for a situation they never thought they would find themselves in. I’m surprised at the honesty and feeling behind your answer and I’m relieved to hear it. So, I will respond in kind. You have to know I am well aware of your...reputation...within your faction and outside of it. I admit that I don’t know how much of that is an exaggerated rumor or how much is the truth. As a father, you have to understand that this is concerning. I know that my daughters are no longer in the same faction as I am, but I will always worry for them. I will always want to know they are healthy and happy and that will never go away no matter our faction divides. And _I will_ do everything in my power to see to that for them. I know this sounds odd coming from someone from my faction. I may not have chosen the path of being a protector in choosing Abnegation, that was never a role I believed I was born to play in our society. Having children changed that in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Whether I am cut out for it or not, I’m still driven to protect my daughters. Even from themselves if necessary. Maybe one day, if or when you have children of your own, you will come to understand that no distance, no amount of time, and no government rules, can make that instinct go away.”

The fire of his words, and the fact that everything I expected to happen never did leave me speechless and wondering where the hell to go from here. He’s all but said to me that he doesn’t give a fuck about faction before blood and I don’t know how I feel about that, other than maybe a good bit of admiration. There’s no denying the man has some balls to admit he knows about me but that if it comes down to it, he’s going to do what he needs to, to protect his family regardless of what I might be capable of doing.

His words have taken the wind out of the sails of my anger and are leaving me thinking hard about what to say in response. I try to imagine myself in his position and what I would do if someone like me approached, showing interest in my daughter, and I just can’t. I can’t even begin to imagine myself as a father but at the very least I do have a similar protective instinct when it comes to Kat.

“I can’t imagine what it is for a father to need to protect his children. I can’t claim that and I don’t know that will be something I will ever be…” I pause, lost for the right words and frowning heavily.

“Blessed with?” Andrew supplies with a smirk and amusement ringing in his tone. 

I shake my head, a wry smile on my lips and chuckle a little. “I was thinking more along the lines of honored.” I shrug a little and continue. “But blessed fits too. I don’t know if that will be something that I am meant for. Before now I haven’t given it much thought.”

Andrew nods slowly, a smile still tilting his lips as he turns and starts walking again. We keep pace for a short way before he starts the conversation again. “There’s a reason you wanted to speak me to today, Eric. Was it to give me a progress report on my daughters?”

His tone suggests he knows full well that wasn’t the reason. I shake my head and rub the back of my neck. The conversation I intended to have originally has changed and I’m currently trying to figure out where to go from here.

Why is it my carefully laid out plans have been getting blown to hell and back lately?

“I admit that hearing Kat having spoken so highly of you and your wife, along with her honest answers about Abnegation and her life before, piqued my curiosity. I came to the realization that I’ve never interacted with anyone from different factions unless it was in a meeting or something of that nature. The only thing I know about them is what I’ve been told in school or limited observations I have. I’ll be honest, Dauntless and Abnegation interactions might not be the best to use to make judgments. I thought it was about time I remedied that and thought the best person to go to is who Kat looks up to.”

“That is very good of you to say but I’m not sure that’s the case any longer. Maybe it hasn’t been for a long time.” He sighs with a look of pain flashing in his eyes.

“Sir, you said you’ve heard about me and my reputation so you know that I am not someone known for compassion. I’m not prone to trying to reassure someone when there is no truth to it.” I mutter bitterly.

“And yet, Eric, here you are talking to a father about his daughters and giving him peace of mind to know that they are not only doing well but flourishing. A father they probably think is disgusted by their choice when really, I was afraid of letting them go. I’ve always known in my heart they were bound for Dauntless, but them going meant I could no longer protect them. That I would lose them. So instead of supporting them, I’ve shown them disdain and displeasure.”

Any mask he had is gone as he talks, his tone full of pain and that clearly showing on his face. I don’t really think the words are just for me but are from a man admitting a truth he’s held inside for too long and can’t anymore. There’s something about that, how much self-recrimination I can see in him right now, that reminds me of Kat. I was transported back to the hallway where I was showing her my worst but she didn’t see it that way and the words slip out before I even think about them.

“She’s just like you, you know. Always willing to look for the worst in herself but the best in others. Even me.”

_What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the hell did I say that?_

We never stopped walking during all of this and are now coming up to a small park area. It’s the last spot like this before the city starts to degrade into the disrepair of the factionless and Abnegation sectors. Andrew leads us over to a bench set back away from the roads and under cover of trees. He must have known it already existed because I would have totally missed it.

He takes a seat on one end of the bench with a tired sigh and a small smile twisting his lips. “I wish I could take credit for that but I have to say that is all her mother. Natalie saw the best in me even when I was very self-centered, arrogant, over analytical and frankly rather pessimistic. She took the time to get to know me and saw beyond that, saw that at heart I was driven to help others, to help those most in need, but I couldn’t see beyond how I was taught without it getting in the way. It took a swift kick in the ass from her for any of that to change for me.”

I let out a short chuckle of laughter as I take a seat and muse on how well I can identify with all of that. Talk about it running in the family and similar situations. 

We sit in quiet for a few seconds and I’m amazed how at ease I am with this man that by all accounts I’ve hated. Maybe it’s because, whether he wants to take the credit or not, I see so much of his daughter in him. 

“Natalie and I became friends but I always wanted more. She not so kindly informed me that it would never be more until I could get over myself. I wasn’t a very nice person at the time. What she saw in me to even be my friend I’ll never know, but I will be forever grateful for it too. Meeting her opened my eyes to who I could be, who I was inside, even what I would become if I continued on the path I was on.”

His story is sounding so eerily similar to my own that I begin to feel my old paranoia building, wondering if this is some kind of trick or scheme to get me on their side. I’ve been conditioned to see this man and his faction as the enemy for so long that, that instinct in me is hard to get over. Andrew continues on, oblivious to the worm of doubt working through my mind.

“When my choosing time came I had a difficult decision before me. I could stay where I was and continue on the path set for me and where I was familiar with, which was comforting in a way. Or I could go where I felt I was meant to go and where I knew I had a chance to do some real good. But that was a path filled with so many unknowns and was bound to be much more difficult for me. The one certainty and bright spot for me in going with the unknown was knowing that Natalie would be there with me. Or so I thought. She knew what I didn’t at the time, that I needed to make the decision for myself and she also knew that more than half of my reasoning to transfer was to be with her. It was something she didn’t feel like she could live with if I followed her and regretted it later. So she did something, that at the time I hated her for, but she cut me out of her life. She didn’t want me to choose something because of her and if I decided to go anyway then it was because I knew I was meant to, even if it meant she and I would never be together.”

“How did you get past that?” I asked incredulously, not even being able to imagine how I would have reacted if Kat called things off even if it was for my own good.

He shrugs without looking at me, still lost in his reflections and the memory. “I didn’t at first. I was angry and convinced myself I hated her but I found out later that she knew that the only way for her to get me to accept that it was over between us was for her to make me hate her. Even with her pushing me away, with all my anger, I never really hated her. Her plan worked though and I picked Abnegation. I think a part of me knew why she was doing what she did and she’s right that I would have been miserable. I would have grown to resent her if I had chosen to transfer just for her.”

“Wait.” I look at him confused by something in his story. “Forgive me, but you don’t strike me as having ever belonged anywhere but Abnegation and I honestly thought that was your birth faction but you transferred?”

“I think the point was that I never did belong where I was from, but yes, I was a transfer.” He responds with a smile and amusement dancing in his eyes. 

I bite my lower lip to keep from demanding him to tell me what faction he’s from, feeling like the answer is going to be a piece in the fucked up puzzle of Jeanine’s endgame. I also feel like his answer might be an important piece in the answer to how I can stop whatever’s coming.

“Erudite. You want to know what my faction of birth was. I was born to parents from Erudite.” He answers the question I wouldn’t allow myself to ask.

The answer doesn’t relieve me or that urgency I felt if anything I feel a chill run through me. More questions begin to bounce around in my mind in a flood that I can’t begin to stop or process but I latch onto the next clear question I have.

“And your wife? You said that you would have followed her. Which means that she was…”

I don’t get to finish when I see his lips thin slightly and he shakes his head. “No, she wasn’t in Erudite with me but she was also a transfer.” He pauses and looks at me frowning. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I guess it might help you to understand why I always suspected the girls were bound to go to your faction. She transferred from Dauntless, knowing her path very early in life, like my daughters.”

I sit back stunned, processing everything I’ve heard and seen today. I don’t know how long I’m wrapped up in that while we sit in silence before I hear the first deep chuckle come from Andrew beside me. There’s a pause in sound but then he starts to really laugh. Quietly at first but louder as he goes on.

I turn my head and look at him, to find him looking up and shaking his head. I guess he sees I’m looking at him worriedly, wondering if he’s snapped or something because he turns his head and starts talking again.

“You know, I’ve wondered over the years if God arranged for me to be with Natalie just so she can point out what an unmitigated ass I can be with four simple words, I told you so. Not that she would ever actually say them to me, she doesn’t need to. It’s all in her eyes. Do you know how many times she’s cautioned me about sticking to my ‘ _preconceived notions_ ’ about one thing or another over the years? Too many to count and a good majority of those it turns out she was right all along. One of those things has been about how I view the other factions without really ever having interacted with them either. But you and this entire conversation is just another example that there are still lessons I need to learn.”

“How so?” I frown and look at him.

“Eric,” He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “I'm a very proud man that doesn’t like to admit he might be wrong about things but I can admit I might have been wrong on my estimation of you over the years. That could have been solved by me getting over myself, as Natalie has told me before, and making the effort to get to know you, or really anyone in Dauntless. But it’s not just limited to Dauntless. How often do any of the factions, members or dependents, find themselves having real conversations? I can say in all my years that it has only happened once when I met my wife. She told me once that this was going to come back to me one day when I least expect it, and she was right. It has.”

I nodded slowly in agreement. That same thought was what pushed me to arrange this little meeting in the first place. But I can see that he is meaning it on a larger scale. Even before what happened with my parents, I had a set opinion about Abnegation because I wasn’t given anything to dispute it. I was so ready to believe every rumor and bad thing being fed to me because I really had no basis to be able to disprove it or another starting point to go front. 

“I don’t think you are alone in that, sir.” I finally reply.

He nods and laughs softly then sighs and looks at the horizon. “Andrew, you can call me Andrew,” The horn of the train sounds in the distance, and with a frown, he looks down at his watch, while I do the same thing. “You’ve given me a lot to think about tonight, Eric. I know Natalie will be eager to have word of our girls, and I thank you for putting a little of our worries to rest.” 

He stands at this, signaling our time together is over. I mimic him, ready to give the customary partings when dealing with an Abnegation, but am surprised to see his hand extended to me. I reach out and take it without hesitation once I see it, mostly because that’s just an ingrained response in me, and get another surprise. 

Andrew’s grip starts out how I would expect an Abnegation to shake hands, slightly loose and gentle but that quickly changes and as soon as our hands are connected he shows a surprising amount of strength when his grip tightens around mine. I look to see his eyes are narrowed as he looks at me with a return of that fire in them. 

“I think it need not be said that I expect as a leader of your faction and as a man that you will honor your words earlier. Whatever your wishes, it will always be her choice.” I can tell that despite the fire and steel behind the warning there is another message he's conveying besides that he will be watching things.

It’s not a blessing exactly, but it’s not him telling me to stay away either. So despite how my I want to react at the implication, my brief flare of temper cools a bit as I take a beat to process what he’s both saying out loud and not saying by the simple gesture of the handshake. 

“Of course. Her happiness, her safety, will always be first in my mind.” I stop and allow a bit of my own fire out as I narrow my eyes in return. “I will also be honest and say that I believe I know what her choice will be just as I know what mine is.” 

His hold loosens around my hand as his expression turns amused with a grin tilting his lips before he laughs and shakes his head. “Eric, if that’s the case and she has made her choice, I wish all the luck in the world. Your going to need it if you’re plan is what I think it is.” He drops his hand and his laugh gets deeper. “My daughters have a fire and stubbornness the likes of which you would not believe.”

_Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea of just how much fire Kat has._

“Sir,” I reply as calmly as I could, reverting back to a formalness for the moment. “I believe I have a pretty good idea and that I’m in for more even more examples than what I’ve already seen in a short time.” 

He smiles widely at me and with a definite showing of pride in his eyes before he turns and we both start walking. Before we get a few steps into the walk I remember the other thing I want to address today with him. I turn my head to look at him as we keep walking. 

“I’m sure you’re aware that visiting day will be coming up shortly. Dauntless’ doors will be open to all factions, as always, on that day. Maybe we can meet again at that time?”

He turns his head to look at me, surprise written clearly there until he smiles and gives a nod. “I believe that a meeting could be arranged for that day.” His smile falters and his eyes take on that calculating look while he frowns. “But if you could, don’t…”

I’m already nodding in understanding before he even completes it. “I’ll keep it to myself.”

He gives a sigh of relief and another thankful smile. 

Tensions are high, higher than even he might be aware of, between all factions. But for Abnegation and Dauntless, they are at a very fine edge and while it wouldn’t be against any rules for a leader of any faction to visit another, in this instance it could cause a stir and concern. 

I already knew before I actually made the suggestion that whatever the result I would tell Kat of this meeting or that her parents may or may not be able to attend the visiting day. I couldn’t get her hopes up only for them to be crushed. 

I did what I could though and I leave the meeting feeling good about that. I also leave knowing that I’m determined to find a way to make the day good for her, should the worst happen.

  



	26. You're Gonna Regret That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat lets loose during a night with Lynn and tries to figure out her feelings for Eric but not without a cost.

**Chapter 25 - You're Gonna Regret That**

**_Kat_ **

Everything ached on me by the time I plopped into my seat at dinner. Tris mimicked me on one side while Lynn was easing into the spot to my other side with a scowl on her face.

"What. The. Actual. Fuck?" Lynn fumed as a very unwelcome lurker slid into an open seat at the far end of our table.

I glance at Peter from the side of my eye and sigh tiredly but Tris scowls at him, throwing him a dirty look. "Seriously. What's up with him today?" She hissed quietly to the two of us.

"I'm thinking pod people. It's the only logical explanation at this point." I shrug and poke at the pasta on my plate.

"Who are you guys talking about?" Zeke asks, looking between the three of us worriedly.

I know Lynn and Tris are wanting to blab it all out, but the last thing I need to do is raise an alarm for any of my friends and possibly derail my plans for the night. So I nudge them with my elbows and give a small shake of my head to warn them off.

"Peter is being less odious than I would have thought possible and it's kind of throwing us all off." I gave a casual shrug and my painted on a smile but my words were all true.

I couldn't even begin to describe how Peter's been acting all day. It really is like something out of science fiction books I've read before where someone suddenly starts behaving in a completely different way and it turns out aliens are somehow responsible.

It began with the train but didn't end there. The entire time we spent on the fence he was there. Uncomfortably close. We all got to climb to the very top of the fence and walk along a section of it. The views were amazing at that dizzying height. But every time I got even the slightest bit close to the edge Peter would suddenly be there, shoving me away from it, yelling at me for me being an idiot and that if I wanted to throw myself off could I at least wait until he was nowhere near me. If that was what he wanted, he sure as hell wasn't giving me the room to follow through with that. Other than that incident, he didn't even talk to me. In fact, when his friends started in on insulting me about something, he would say something to them that completely shut them up.

Whatever it was that made him flip and become this weird pod person, it seemed like it didn't extend to my sister or friends really. Them he just ignored completely, which just made it even more confusing. Tris and Lynn were just as much at a loss for what was going on with him as I was. Uri and Mar didn't seem all that concerned with whatever was going on with him and Chase just thought it was hilarious.

As disturbing all of that is I really don't have the energy to try and figure out what's up with him right now.

"Maybe he recently experienced a great incentive for an attitude adjustment." Zeke grins and winks over at Tris, and we all know he's referring to their fight.

Tris blushes red and shakes her head but doesn't bother to reply as the others snicker and laugh. I'm busy eyeing Chase, who snorted loudly into his cup and had this shit-eating grin on his face while Zach is laughing hard. Then Chase mutters something to Zach and they both looked down the table at Peter with the most wicked smiles I have ever seen either of them wearing. Peter pales and jerks slightly as he wrenches his head away to look somewhere else.

"That would be a fucking understatement," Chase laughed out.

My head turns to take in Peter again, who isn't moving and looks terrified as those two continue to stare him down. I don't blame him for that reaction, but it still confuses me and I turn to look back at Chase and Zach. When they see I'm looking at them, and that I'm clearly wanting to know what the hell that's all about. I get a smile from Zach and a smug grin from Chase that turns into a laugh when I let out a frustrated huff.

"Hey, Uri, you planning on taking Mar to that movie night you owe her tonight since we have so much free time?"

Lynn's words break me from the glare-off Chase and I were locked in and I snap my head to look at Uri. This is the start of the plan we came up with to be able to sneak away from the group.

"I don't remember owing her one but it sounds good to me. What do you say, Mar? Will you allow me to treat you to a movie?"

Mar smiles and blushes as she nods. "Sounds good to me too. Do I get to pick the movie?"

That smooth charm Uri was trying to ooze breaks as his smile falters for just a second. Zeke joins me and Lynn in giving knowing chuckles that become full-on laughs when Mar bats her eyes at him and snuggles into his side. His smile goes back to full power and his dread of whatever chick flick she has in store for the night is forgotten just like that.

_Maybe I need to talk to Mar at some point and pick up some damn pointers if she can get her way with just one little look._

"What are your plans for tonight?" Mar asks from Uri's side while her eyes flick to me, Tris and Lynn.

Tris responds first, quickly, almost too quickly and with a slightly telling blush. "I think Christina might have wanted to hang out or something."

I know she's up to something but I can't exactly call her on that when I am too, can I? Besides, it's not like it's hard for me to figure out what she will likely be up to. It's a relief that I'm not going to have to ditch her. I would have felt bad about that.

I look at Lynn for her to answer for us. She knows that if I tried to lie about this, they would know in a heartbeat.

"Cool. I think I'm going to show Kat around to a few of our favorite places, especially the place that does the custom knives." Lynn says with a casual shrug and the others buy it.

At least I think they do.

Chase looks at me and narrows his eyes for a second but he doesn't say anything. I determined that I needed to get out of here fast, especially if I want to avoid a certain person. I started to wolf my food down until I saw that was drawing a few looks, so I slowed down and matched Lynn's pace. Tris still gives me a disapproving look.

"What? I'm hungry." I muttered after swallowing my last mouthful of food and looking at Lynn, who finished and already has her tray put back together and is starting to stand up.

"We'll catch up to you guys later. Enjoy the movie you two, and Tris…" She pauses and looks at Tris, her nose all scrunched up "I guess you can try to enjoy yourself too."

Her tone suggested that she didn't believe my sister was actually going to be able to enjoy spending time with Christina. I bite my lower lip to hold in the amusement and stand along with her, murmuring 'bye' to everyone at the table and avoiding looking at either Chase or Zach as I do.

"We  _will_  see you later, Kat," Chase calls out before I could get too far away.

I wince but can't bring myself to turn back, so I kind of wave to him over my shoulder while Lynn snickers beside me. I try to elbow her in the side but she was expecting it and just links our arms together while laughing.

"Shut up with that," I grumble moodily at her.

"I didn't say anything."

I sigh tiredly and shake my head as we keep on walking. "You don't need to. I know what you're thinking."

"Then you know I'm thinking we need to tear ass to my apartment and grab the supplies and get to where we are going before the dogs are set loose on you."

On the train ride back home Chase checked in with me to see if I was hurting or not. I replied truthfully that while I am hurting it's not nearly as bad as before. The pills he gave me when we had lunch at the fence helped. That was when he mentioned that they would have some more for me after dinner. I knew I was going to be skipping out on those and I'm sure that Chase and Zach now realize that's what I'm doing.

My agreement is silent as we hurry along to her mom's apartment. I have to admit that whatever they gave me has helped me a lot. I'm going to have to find a way to thank them.

Just not tonight.

Normally, I wouldn't want to drink to get drunk. It goes along with that whole control thing that I normally strive for. I feel such a mess though and I need to be able to talk about things. It was Lynn that once told me that sometimes you just need to let go and be stupid so you can get it all out of your system.

That's what I'm hoping I can do tonight. Get all the crazy out and tomorrow face the music I know I'm bound for.

* * *

"It sounds to me like Eric is interested in you, Kat," Lynn proclaims with a smile and shaking her head.

I huff and take another sip of beer from the bottle in my hand. It's my first beer while she's on her second. I'm almost done with this one but it's been hard to get over the taste. Frankly, it tastes like piss smells and I said as much to her. After she picked herself up from laughing her ass off she promised to come up with some not so noxious the next time we have a girl's night. Which is what she officially labeled tonight.

"I don't think so, Lynn," I mutter darkly and shake my head in denial.

We've been hiding out in some spot she knew about down in the Chasm; a good-sized nook that could be classified as a cave. There are a few things down here that suggest she comes here quite often. A battery-operated lantern and a wooden crate that serves as a table and storage place.

It took a bit for me to open up and tell her everything that's going on with me and Eric. I was hesitant because the more I thought about things the more I'm convinced that I'm overreacting and reading too much into events that have happened. The more I sipped on the beer, the less I hesitant I felt and the looser my tongue became. In the end, I told her pretty much everything that's happened so far between us.

"Come on, Kat. You've told me that it looked like he was going to kiss you a few times and that you even thought he might be sporting wood in the bathroom." She chuckled at my blush but I noticed she was blushing pretty hard herself. "Those are all signs of being attracted to someone."

I think about her words, and as much as I wanted to believe them, there's something holding me back. Something I can't define or explain. It's funny how the mind works though, or at least my mind. It won't settle for not understanding and will seek out an answer, even creating one if necessary, to satisfy it.

"I know it seems like that might be the case but I've been thinking a lot about this."

"That's probably the problem right there," She muttered into her beer bottle and smirked at me when I shot a glare at her.

"And what I've determined is that this is no different than you and Mar." I wince when I see her flinch but I rush on. "You said yourself that at first, you wondered if she did or could return your feelings, mainly because of when she would hug or cuddle with you it felt like she might. You also said that you realized  Mar is just naturally affectionate and it was just you reading too much into her actions and. I think the same thing is going on with me and him." I stop and lower the bottle to the ground and stare at it woefully. "If he wanted to kiss me, really wanted to, then he would have. He's just that type. Eric is the kind of guy that does what he wants, when and where he wants to, right? But he didn't. So, despite whatever signs I might be seeing that you think are him being aroused it's not really for me, Lynn. His  _body_ might be is reacting to the contact, but the fact that he doesn't follow it through tells me it's not something he wants with me."

She's quiet, too quiet, and when I look up I can see the agreement and commiseration in her eyes. She reaches forward and grabs two new beers, cracks the tops open and hands me one with a sigh and a muttered ' _drink up_ '.

* * *

Shauna looks like a deer in the headlights right now as she looks between me and Lynn.

"You want me to go to the clinic and get you  _what_?"

"The shot. Please." Lynn repeats, her words only slightly slurred.

"Yes, I heard that part but not what shot in particular." Shauna huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes as she takes us both in.

I know it's no use even trying to pretend we aren't drunk right now. We  _did_  attempt to straighten up before we got to her sister's apartment, but gave it up as a lost cause and decided to just roll with it.

This is Dauntless dammit, not Abnegation, and I refuse to feel guilty for living it up for once.

"Don't be stupid, Shauna.  _THE SHOT_." She practically yells those two words, drawing them out at the same time. Then she looks over at me with a big stupid grin on her face. "Our Kat here seems to finally realize there is more to life than training and we want to make sure she's protected when she starts exploring."

"Lynn!" I yelled, turning red and glaring at her.

"Kat," Shauna puts her hand on my shoulder and studies me for a few long seconds that seem to drag out to me in my inebriated state. If she was stunned before that's gone now. I can see the wheels going on behind her appraising eyes. She nods, one firm nod of her head that lets me know she's come to some kind of decision. "I think it's a good idea. I've said for years now that all the initiates need to come into the clinic before training kicks in, and part of that is to make sure all the girls have their birth control shots. You might not plan on being sexually active any time soon, but it's better to be prepared."

Lynn is laughing and smirking, pointing at how red I started to turn as Shauna kept talking until her sister snaps at her to shut up and turns back to me, waiting for my answer.

"Fine," I sigh and nod.

"Good. Now, I'll go to the clinic and get what we need, then we'll get you sorted and we can talk more. There are things those books, movies, and magazines won't be able to tell you. You to Lynn," Shauna grinned over at her sister who looked like she was going to object but one look from me, half begging and the other half threatening, and she gave a nod of agreement too.

"We're going to need more beer for this," Lynn warned me as we watched Shauna walking towards her door.

I nod up and down slowly and with more than a little embarrassment for what I could only guess is in store for us with the gleaming look in Shauna's eye. "Lots."

* * *

"Oh Gawd…" I groaned pitifully as I felt waves of nausea and pain crash into me as soon as I woke up.

I couldn't get my arms to work to stop the goddamn alarm that seemed so much louder than it ever has before, making the pain in my head explode.

I try to keep it silent as I writhe on the bed wondering how I ended up in the seventh circle of hell with the words of elders droning on about the evils of overindulgence and how those sinners are punished.

_Well, shit. The old hags weren't lying._

Trying to remember when I went from mildly tipsy to outright drunk doesn't help at all. It's all a big blur after Lynn asked Shauna to get that damn birth control shot for me. The door had barely closed behind her sister when Lynn came back from raiding her and Zeke's cabinets with a bottle of something clear that smelled like the paint remover I used back in Abnegation to remove the graffiti Dauntless kids liked to leave all over the factionless sector.

I remember drinking it from a small glass that Lynn filled for me and then... that's all she wrote...

My arm is still vibrating from the alarm of my watch and that is causing my head to be included since I currently have that arm trying to keep my head in place instead of exploding. The alarm makes this harder because the shrill sound is being driven directly into my skull from its current position.

"You can shut that shit off now, Stiff." A gruff voice says alarmingly close to me and has me jerking back in surprise.

The sudden motion caused my stomach to roll and churn violently and I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop the retching noise that escapes me.

My eyes are wide as I watch Peter almost jump away from me, a scowl on his face. "I swear to everything holy that if you throw up on me I'm going to throw you into the Chasm and put us both out of our fucking misery, stiff."

Putting me out of my misery sounds awesome right now and I'm beyond caring how that's accomplished. Something I moan and groan over and over again before Peter hisses at me to be quiet.

"Shut it, Stiff," He takes my arm, yanking it towards him as he hovers over me and turns the alarm off.

"What are you doing to Kat?" I cracked an eye open to see that the angry person joining Peter in witnessing my misery is Edward who looks like he's trying to crowd Peter and move him away from me in a protective manner.

I would find that sweet if I wasn't so miserable and embarrassed right now.

"I didn't do shit to her, she did it to herself. The stiff can't handle her liquor. But you could be of some actual use here and help me get her to the bathroom."

I felt them moving closer after Edward gave a gruff word of agreement. I could tell they were trying to be gentle as they decided to pick me up and carry me to the bathroom, with one of them guiding the way through the mostly dark room but any kind of movement at all seemed to make the rolling in my stomach come to a boil and I barely get out a word of warning before I slapped a hand over my mouth.

"I'm going to blow,"

Thankfully they were already near the toilet and I was hurriedly put down in front of it before I lurched forward and hunched over, as it felt like my insides were determined to see if they could survive outside of my body. I've never been so happy to see a toilet in my life as I hugged it close while my body took over.

I can hear faint rumblings behind me from those two while I continue to wretch and I wonder why they can't just leave me alone. Minutes pass after I heard something being said about getting some water and aspirin for me. They thankfully leave me alone or at least back away for a little while. I notice this when there's a lull in my heaving.

Just when I think I might be done and it's finally over, my body is seized with a violent cramp as my stomach lurches again. I can feel hands holding my hair back for me. They are way too large to be my sister's hands so I know one of those two are getting a first-hand look at my misery.

I'm too tired and sick to care which one it could as the spasms finally subside and I collapse into a heap then lay my head on my arms that are still wrapped around the toilet.

" 'M never drinkin again," I mumble in a hoarse rasp.

Dread fills me when a deep baritone chuckle comes from behind me and I realize that it's not Edward or Peter. I turn my head slowly, afraid to find out who it might be, but already half knowing that there are really only three people that it could be.

My relief at finding Zach is short-lived by a simple quirking of his eyebrow along with his lips that thin just slightly.

"I wouldn't be too relieved just yet, princess. Did you really think after your little show in the Pit last night that you wouldn't have at least a talking to coming from me and Chase? I don't think I even need to say what Eric might have planned for you regardless of what state we knew you were going to wake up in."

I can feel all the blood drain from me at even the thought of facing Eric right now. Seeing Zach looking at me with disappointment is bad enough.

His eyes soften slightly and he sighs as he and shakes his head then opens a small bag he has beside him. He takes a rag and a bottle of water pours some on the rag then wrings it and passes it over to me with a soft command to use and clean myself up. After I clean my face up a bit, he passes the water bottle and directs me to use the rest to rinse my mouth out, while pulling another full one out for me to drink slowly from and a few pills he hands me as well.

This is all done in relative silence. While I was sipping on the water I heard him muttering something about me needing to shower before he got up and disappeared back into the sleeping area. By the time he gets back I'm standing on shaky legs and ready to confront one of the questions that are on my mind right now.

"You said something about my performance in the Pit?" I asked timidly, unsure if I'm more afraid of what his answer is going to be or seeing more of that disappointment in his eyes.

"I take it you don't remember?"

I shake my head no in response and wince at the lance of pain and pounding in my head.

"Was it really bad?" I ask after that finally subsides enough for me to speak again.

"It wasn't pretty but I'm sure it could have been much worse. I'm also sure your friends will be happy to fill you in. Take a shower and get cleaned up. I have to go check on something but I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

"Why bother when I'm about to become a sweaty and bloody mess in just a bit?" I grump out moodily.

"Because showing up smelling like a brewery will make it even worse." Zach comes almost snaps at me before giving me a pointed look and points to the shower.

I don't object again as I slink off to get my stuff for the shower. I hear him leaving the dorm shortly after he made sure I was headed back to the shower. I clean up as quietly as I can and try not to think too much about what is in store for me.

* * *

I'm not that upset I'm being denied my normal morning coffee as Zach leads me straight to the Dauntless-born training room. My stomach, while better than when I woke up, is still churning enough that I think coffee would be a very bad idea. It doesn't help that Zach has been absolutely silent the entire time with a very clear look of anger and disappointment in his eyes every time they catch mine.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. "Did I do something really awful last night, Zach?"

His head turns to look down at me with a glare. "You drank after getting severely hurt. Do you know how bad fucking bad that could have been with the contusion? Not to mention that this is probably the first time you've ever drank and you had no one sober to watch out for you!"

He stopped dead in his tracks at this last part, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

"I.." I stop and lick my lips and shake my head slowly. "I didn't know it would be bad to drink with a head injury. And I didn't mean to drink so much at all either. Neither of us did. I just needed…" I stop when I'm unable to put into words how I'm feeling especially when it will give so much away.

"This was the last thing I would have ever expected from you considering how you feel about taking pain medications. So what was it that you needed so damn bad you drank yourself into oblivion?"

There's something about his tone, in how it reminds me so much of the disappointed or disapproving lectures I got back in Abnegation that has all of the embarrassment and guilt quickly being replaced by anger and stubborn rebellion with thoughts of not liking being talked to and treated like a child when I am an adult.

Not to mention that my feelings are still all a mess and have been since I landed on the roof. All that frustration, confusion and anger have built up in me and I explode.

"My  _life_  goddammit! I needed to not be in my head or emotions for one goddamn second so I don't feel like walking, talking and breathing version of the Chasm. Things are happening that I don't know how to handle and I needed help...advice...something that could help me make sense of everything."

By the time I finished, I'm panting while Zach is looking at me with slightly widened eyes that slowly soften after what I just admitted registers for him. It's about that time that I realized what I let slip too. I deflate as my cheeks flame in embarrassment while Zach reaches forward and pulls me into a hug.

"Don't be embarrassed, Kat. I'm glad you said something and I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner. I know a lot of things going on are completely new to you. I'm glad you have friends to help you through it all, but you also have me too."

He pulled back to look at me and reached up to wipe away a few of the tears that escaped despite my trying to hold them in. I nod in agreement as even more tears fall.

"I know, Zach. Its just...it was about...you know…," I can't even finish what I'm saying. It's just too damn embarrassing and is exactly why I needed to get drunk last night to even be able to talk about it with Lynn.

"Yeah, I might suck at the advice in that area but if you feel comfortable enough to come to me, I will always try for you." He admits after turning a bit red and rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile.

I laugh and nod then reach up and swipe at my eyes, trying to pull myself together. He reaches out again and gives me another quick hug then pulls back with a sigh when his phone goes off.

Even with the embarrassment I do feel a bit lighter after my outburst and releasing a few tears. It reminds me of when I was younger and had moments like these. I would get so mad at myself for crying but my mom would tell me that sometimes a person just needed to have a good cry. She never tried to make me feel bad or like I was weak. Zach's actions remind me so much of her. Something that has me feeling homesick as well as confused when I think that I've known him for less than two months. It makes me wonder if this is another thing I'm reading too much into and if it's possible for any of these men to really look at me like I'm coming to see them.

"Zach?" I call out softly.

"Yeah, princess?" He replies distractedly, still not looking at me but at the screen of his phone while he types something in.

His use of the nickname I barely recognized earlier in the dorm has me frowning but even more resolved to ask him before I chicken out. "Why me, Zach?"

"Why you what, Kat?" He asks after looking up with a deep frown.

I don't answer right away. Instead, I look down at my hands and shuffle my feet a little bit while debating letting this go and telling Zach I didn't mean anything. I catch his movement as he puts his phone back in his jacket and moves closer.

"I said you can talk to me about anything and I mean it." I look back up at him to see him looking at me with such sincere concern.

"I guess I just don't understand why any of you are being so nice to me. It hasn't been too hard for me to figure out that while you and Chase are slightly more friendly with other people, none of you are close with anyone else besides each other; but all of you have let me in. So, why me?"

I had to force myself to look at Zach and watch his reaction which seemed to take entirely too long before he let out a deep breath and frowned.

"That's hard to answer, princess. You're right that we don't really have more than casual friends outside of each other. We all share something from our pasts that bonded us, made us more like brothers. And, I can't speak for Chase and Eric but I know that for me, the fact that there are similar things you have experienced is part of why I've been able to feel close to you in a short time. There is also the fact that you remind me of someone I cared for very much. My sister Beth. She was my little princess, she was so kind and caring but also very smart. She also had a lot of the same passion that I see in you. I've never used that nickname for anyone else, but I know she would have approved of me using it with you."

I guess that confession should have made me feel better and on some levels it did. But whatever feelings I might have that he feels that way about me are all dulled by the horror as he keeps referring to his sister in the past tense.

"Would have…" I whisper out loud hoping he will deny that as well the reason the horror I'm feeling deepens as other realizations and connections are made for me. Zach's face as I was talking about the attack from the factionless. His mentioning the fact that we have things from our past that connect us.

"No!" I scream out a plea as it all collides together in my mind making pain flair up and the lights to dance in front of my eyes just before it all goes dark.

 


	27. That Which Doesn't Kill 'Ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric deals with the aftermath of Kat's night of letting loose. Torn between his hard ruthless side and the newly awakened soft side, which one will win and how will Kat fair facing that hard side of him for the first time?

**Chapter 26 - That Which Doesn’t Kill ‘Ya**

 

** _Eric_ **

 

I knew the minute Chase messaged me and informed me that Kat ran off with Lynn just after lunch, and they still hadn’t been seen, something was on the horizon. Just the way they described her acting shifty pointed to something being up. The fact that dinner time came and went and there still hadn’t been any hint of those two when the others at least made an appearance, let us know it wasn’t just her wanting to avoid taking any more meds like Zach suggested she was doing. It took everything in me not to go find her. Either by stalking through the compound and finding her myself or having Chase call up control and use the cameras. 

 

As much as it kills me, I know I can’t do that. Not without attracting attention. So, I follow Chase’s lead as we take our usual spots in The Pit when we are hanging out with the rest of the faction. At least this gives me a good view of the other initiates for when she does make an appearance. 

 

“Her sister isn’t with them either,” Chase notes offhandedly as he casually eyes the group and I know he’s suggesting that because she’s with them Kat won’t be up to something that could be trouble. 

 

“Like that means anything. You heard it from Kat herself that her sister got dragged into her little stunts and that was when they were still stiffs. What makes you think it will be different here?”

 

“Because they aren’t that close anymore. They may be slowly getting there again but I can tell there’s still distance between them.” 

 

I don’t comment on that, I just shrug and look at Zach, whose been really quiet about the whole thing so far. “What do you think?”

 

“I think that you aren’t going to like what I think.” He smirks over at me in reply causing me to glare at him. “I think that it doesn’t matter if she is up to something or not, she’s a big girl and she deserves the chance to find her way here just like we did when we transferred. I might not like it. I might worry about her. But I’m not going to smother her either. And if you plan on having a real relationship with Kat you are going to need to realize you can’t control her or prevent her from spending time with anyone else besides us. She isn’t like the three of us and isn’t going to be content to keep to herself or only allow a few people close to her, and I don’t want her to be like that. So, as much as it pains me to say it, we’re just going to have let shit play out and deal with it.”

 

I look over at Chase to see how he feels about all that but he doesn’t look at me. He’s frowning and I know by his body language he isn’t verbally agreeing but in his mind, he’s taking Zach’s words to heart. 

 

I look away from my brothers scowling. Zach was right that I don’t like what he thinks. I can’t say he’s wrong that trying to monopolize Kat’s time or control her would not go over well. Hell, I know how I would react if someone was trying to do that to me and it wouldn’t be pretty. 

 

Despite knowing that and even agreeing with it, I’m feeling all twisted up at the thought she would want to spend time with anyone else but me. That’s something I refuse to admit even to my brothers right now. 

 

So I don’t say shit and stand here scowling while I wait to find out what the hell she’s up to tonight.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Initiates aren’t forbidden from drinking. It’s not so much against the rules as it is heavily frowned upon and punished if they’re caught. A few of the leaders turn a blind eye to it but I don’t. Neither does anyone else that is actually involved in initiation. Even Four can come down hard on those caught drinking.

 

Dauntless-born are aware of this unspoken rule so we don’t have as many instances of having to reprimand or punish them. If they drink, and we all know that they do, they keep it out of sight and in general don’t make complete asses of themselves.

 

Transfers are where the problem is with drinking since very few factions have places like we do that serve drinks for the purpose of partying. Erudite serves alcoholic beverages at the restaurants and it can also be bought for private use but it’s practically unheard of for that factions’ members to drink for the purpose of getting drunk. Candor has the same policy but Zach and Chase have told me that the kids of the faction do tend to sneak in drinks for their get-togethers. The only other faction that imbibes is Amity but those hippies are generally doped up on peace serum anyway so they don’t count in my book and Abnegation would probably have a collective stroke at even the thought of having something like that available to their holier than thou flock.

 

What this lack of exposure causes when any of those transfers drink here is a fuck-ton of hassle. They come over here and get drunk and end up doing stupid shit that more often than not results in them being hurt, and in some cases dead, for one reason or another. Of course, dealing with the aftermath and clean up usually lands in my lap. I take none too kindly to these incidents and I’m well known for that fact.

 

It doesn’t help my reputation that I seem to go even harder on any females that I catch. I make no apologies for that fact and I know it makes me seem like a sexist pig for being such a dick to those girls. I don’t bother to try and explain the reasons why no one would believe what’s behind them anyway.

 

There is an added danger for females in Dauntless that no one talks about but we’re all aware of, sexual harassment or assault. The women that have been here a while or grew up in Dauntless know about this and are generally capable of handling themselves or knowing what not to do that would leave them vulnerable, so I don’t often see cases involving one of them.

 

It’s the transfers that most often end up as a file on my desk. Most of the time it’s because they were out partying and ended up getting taken advantage of. Some cases are worse than others, those girls end up washing out and leaving rather than stick around. Especially those cases where they either couldn’t or wouldn’t identify their attackers for whatever reason. There’s no telling how many more happen that never get reported. 

 

It’s never sat right with me when those assholes get away with that shit. Chase and Zach are right there with me on that. In the instances that official justice can’t be served up then it has a way of working out in other ways, with a little help. But the fact that this happens at all and that I’m forced to take matters into my own hands often has my temper on a hair-trigger that doesn’t always translate well when I’m trying to enforce the message to the initiates (male and female) that drinking during this time is a bad fucking idea.

 

Tonight, I give a few glares or pointed words to the transfers that look like they are even thinking about taking part in any drinking but there aren’t many thankfully. 

 

Then she breezes in, hair down and drifting her wake as she rushes forward through the Pit like she’s on a mission. Her eyes are overly wide and slightly glazed while her cheeks are flushed. I know the second she looks at me and gives me a goofy grin before Lynn pulls her along that she’s drunk. I see Chase tensing and scowling as we watch her join the other Dauntless-born with her friend. 

 

My first instinct is to march right the hell over there and drag her away from the Pit. It’s not like I haven’t done anything like that before so it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me. The thing stopping me is being unsure how the hell she’s going to react and what she’s going to say in this state. 

 

I’m also not sure how I would react if it’s anything like my mind is coming up with right now and from the few looks she sends in my direction I have a feeling it would be. Since I got back I’ve barely been restraining myself and she’s responded in those encounters like she wants more, and that’s with her completely sober. I don’t know if I can handle a drunk Kat.

 

The seconds tick by agonizingly slow for me as I stand with a group that includes all the other leaders that are in the compound currently; Chase, Zach and a few of the high ranking officers. Talk is centered around the upcoming training of course, and the initiates themselves as there are a few Dauntless-born that are expected to do really well. I know this talk is eventually going to turn to the elephant in the room, so to speak, the two Abnegation transfers and I’m not exactly looking forward to it.

 

It’s hard to maintain my blank mask while every glance over in her direction has me feeling like I want nothing more than to walk over there and toss her across my knee then beat her ass red for drinking while hurt, or just drinking at all, and just because she’s driving me fucking nuts right now.

 

“Oi, Hayes. I have words for you.” 

 

My head whips to the side as her shouting immediately grabs my attention. 

 

“Ah hell,” Chase mutters and sighs really deep when we catch sight of Kat stalking her way through the Pit and right towards Peter. She doesn’t have to go far because he was lurking near that group anyway. 

 

Hayes looks around for a second looking trapped and like he’s trying to find a way out. When he sees everyone’s attention is on him and that escaping wouldn’t do any good his expression morphs into a sneer as looks directly at Kat, who has somehow managed to loom in front of him with all of her five foot six inches in height. Lynn is behind her, arms crossed over a chest that is all puffed up and wearing a smug but obviously drunken smile.

“No, you don’t, stiff.” Peter finally manages to get out in a cold sneer.

 

“I do so and don’t be a dick.” Kat snaps out then stops and blinks rapidly before breaking out into a grin. “I mean...I’m sorry  _ about _ your dick.”

 

The laughing and tittering starts around but I am anything but amused.

 

“Actually, I’m not sorry, sorry. I mean you were being a vindictive asshole and beating my sister's ass so I’m not sorry she stopped you and used your dick to teach you a lesson. But I  _ am _ sorry that you lost it in there because of me. It was uncalled for...what I said. I’m a bitch.” She gets this all out and hiccups a little at the end of it, her eyes looking more and more glazed. 

 

Laughter is still rolling around them but that stops registering for me as I can actually hear the blood rushing through my veins and my heartbeat in my ears as my temper kicks up another ten notches. 

 

It’s not obvious to anyone else, though I know Chase and Zach have to be seeing the same things I am, her drunken state is drawing attention in a way she couldn’t imagine and that I fucking dread. There are a few guys that have looks in their eyes I know too well. They may or may not have any intention of doing anything about it but their looks are enough for me and I mark them all.

 

“By the way, how is your dick right now? I mean, does it hurt? Stupid question, of course, it hurts. What I really wanted to know was if it hurt when you got it done? Oh, and how does that even work?”

 

Meanwhile, this little showdown between Kat and Peter is still going on and I realize that it isn’t going to stop until someone makes it. 

 

I scowl at him heavily daring him to say anything back but he’s oblivious to it at the moment. I think he’s just shocked at her right now.

 

“Are you really standing there asking me about my fucking dick, stiff?” His tone is full of disbelief as is his expression.

 

“Yeah, I am... **_mouth_ ** . But don’t go getting funny ideas about it. I’m interested in your dick in a more clinical aspect. Why did you get the piercing? What it is supposed to do...you know sexually? Does it really work? What did it feel like when you got a need stabbed through your…”

 

“Hey!” Uri shouts out frantically trying to stop her from anymore talking. “That’s enough. I don’t need to be walking around imagining Peter’s dick for the rest of the night.” He finishes, wincing and has his hand covering his crotch protectively. 

 

Everyone else around the group is roaring with laughter and I can see other Dauntless-born and even a few members have slid in to engage Kat in conversation after she turns red and buries her hands in her face for a few seconds before laughing too. Peter takes this opportunity to slip away.

 

My blood is boiling and all I can see is red.

 

“Remember we just watch and make sure if she is or isn’t what we are looking for and we need her alive to do that, Eric,” Max warns me, misinterpreting my looks of rage at the entire incident.

 

I fully admit that her behavior has pushed my limits but that’s honestly not what is pushing me over the edge. I can’t exactly say as much to the older man and I can get away with saying nothing at all.

 

Luckily what I do end up saying is nothing but the honest truth as I wear a wicked smile.

 

“Oh, she’ll live. The initiate will only wish she were dead by the time I’m done with her morning punishment.” 

 

* * *

  
  


“Zach and I made sure Kat and the others made it to the dorm. She’s passed out.” Chase informs me in a gruff voice that is full of disapproval. If I was actually face to face with him and not on the phone he would be glaring at me too.

 

I start to tell him thanks for taking care of that for me but he doesn’t even wait for me to get more than thanks out before there is a click and he’s gone. 

 

I sigh and toss my phone on my bedside table and continue toweling myself off from the shower I just stepped out of. Despite how hot I made the water or how long I scrubbed, I’m still feeling disgusting and unclean right now. The reason for that is the same reason my brother is so pissed off at me right now. 

 

I knew before I led that chick off to an abandoned part of the Pit that it was the wrong move. She wasn’t the one that I wanted and the few minutes as I took her against the wall left me just as full of all that mess of feelings I stormed away from the Pit with.

 

The final straw had been when Kat and Lynn had somehow been dragged into a knife-throwing contest with a few members while Max and the other leaders egged them on. At first, I had been pissed off about it but that quickly went away when I saw just how damn good she is with knives. It was the sexiest fucking thing I have ever seen, and I have seen some shit in my time here at Dauntless. It made me harder than I even thought was physically possible for me to be, and it pissed me off how much that girl gets to me.

 

I don’t remember the chicks name or anything about her other than she picked that minute to hit on me and she happened to have hair that kind of reminded me of Kat’s. 

 

I curse myself and Kat before I head back into the shower to take care of the sudden rush of need that fills me while knowing in the back of my mind, it's not going to be good enough. Nothing will be good enough until I have Kat where she belongs.

 

* * *

  
  


“I don’t care how pissed we all are at the situation, you have to promise me you will keep it together or I won’t allow this to happen, Eric.”

 

Zach stands in the kitchen of my apartment, arms crossed over his chest and glaring at me as he lays out his demands for me handling Kat on my own this morning. Chase is leaning against the counter with a coffee cup in hand but hasn’t said much to me since he got here. I can tell by the look Zach gave him when he walked in those two must have discussed things without me and I’m sure my hooking up with someone was one of those things talked about.

 

I’m not sure what Zach said to him but whatever it was I can tell it lessened his anger at me at least a little bit and that just adds to the guilt and regret that I'm feeling about it myself.

 

“My intentions aren’t to lose it with her but I can’t promise that I’m not going to push  _ her _ into losing it, Zach. It needs to be done so we can start correcting the issue and if she can get used to me throwing out everything that could distract her then that should cover anything else that would do the same.”

 

“That’s all well and good but I can still see you’re stewing over it and we all know how well you handle that shit. I know it needs to be done but I’m not sure you’re the man for the job.” Chase drawls without looking at me.

 

“And you think you are?” I hiss at and step in his direction.

 

“Cut it out,” Zach warns with a sigh at the same time, then steps in the path between the two of us. “This morning is about Kat and how we want to handle things. I agree that she needs to know how bad she messed up but she also needs to know how bad it could have been. I can guarantee that if she’s told what the biggest concern is then she would take it to heart and be more careful next time.”

 

“There shouldn’t  _ be _ a next time.” I snap out irritably.

 

“During initiation, it will be the same for her as everyone else. But outside of that it will be her decision. I would have said that it wouldn’t be something we would have to worry about at all before last night but obviously I was wrong. Either way, I stand by my statement that I won’t try and control her and I won’t allow either of you to either. But we’re getting off-topic here and I need to get down to the dorm soon to check on her.”

 

Zach raises his eyebrow while looking at me and waiting.

 

I clenched my jaw and fists then nodded curtly. “I promise.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_ ‘Kat’s experiencing the joys of having one hell of a hangover this morning. It’s going to take a bit to get her sorted out enough to be able to stand.’ - Zach  _

 

That was his message to me when he made it to the dorm and that was over half an hour ago. I knew it would be likely to happen but I still didn’t like hearing it. It makes me feel uncomfortable with what I have planned and now I’m reconsidering it.

 

I impatiently wait a few more minutes before shooting Zach another message and get his reply that they are almost here. When they haven’t shown up after a few more minutes I growl and head to find out what’s keeping them. As I get the door to the Dauntless-born training room open I hear Kat yelling something and then Zach calling her name.

 

I don’t even get a foot out the door before Zach quickly comes in, carrying Kat.

 

“What the fuck, Zach?” 

 

He doesn’t answer right away, instead, he takes her to the nearest weight bench and gently sits her on it. I can hear him mumbling something to her and that’s when I see she isn’t passed out. As soon as he steps away from her she leans forward and buries her head in her hands. Her shoulders shaking in what I can only assume is her quiet sobbing.

 

“You going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” I turn on him and demand from him angrily.

 

I can hear Zach explaining things as I move forward and crouch in front of Kat, but I’m putting on the back burner how he completely went against everything we determined we would or would not tell Kat about our pasts. 

 

And for this exact fucking reason.

 

We all know she takes on blame for the decision that Dauntless couldn’t patrol or police the factionless sector anymore. I knew that she’s likely to take any blame on herself for things that happened because of that decision. 

 

Zach didn’t even tell her the whole story and she’s already reacting badly to what little she does know.

 

I stand and face Zach when she doesn’t respond to my calling her name. “I can’t fucking believe you picked now to tell her that shit, Zach,” I growl angrily at him.

 

“I wasn’t going to but we were talking and she asked…”

 

“I don’t care what the hell started it, you knew how felt about this shit and we promised not to mention anything until we felt she wouldn’t blame herself.” I’m in no mood right now to be reasonable.

My emotions are all over the damn place. I’m already hanging onto my anger by the skin of my teeth with everything that’s been happening the last few days. I wanted to unsettle and push Kat this morning but I don’t know if that’s wise given how I’m feeling.

 

_ Goddammit, Chase was right.  _

 

“Maybe the best way to get her to see that is for her to know we don’t blame her, Eric? What we went through makes us the best possible people to be able to do that and the sooner the better.”

 

I’m about to deny that and curse up one side and down the other for making that decision without me but don’t when I notice that Kat’s gone completely silent. From the corner of my eye, I see her sitting up and when I turn to look at her she’s staring in our direction without really focusing on either of us. 

 

“It’s not his fault, Eric.” She finally speaks, her voice soft but her tone flat. 

 

Now we are both looking at her and wearing worried frowns. The tears are gone. But there is an expression in her eyes that alarms me and I can see Zach is worried too.  It’s not the determined set of her chin or the rigidness of her back. It’s the fire in her eyes that is so damn different from anything I’ve seen in them before. It’s fierce, angry...and destructive.

 

I guess it's because neither of us has said anything back she continues on. 

 

“None of it is his fault but I know who to blame for this. I may not be able to change what happened then or the part I played, but what happens from now on will be up to me.” She pauses and focuses directly on me as her chin lifts even more and slowly stands takes a few steps and comes to stand in front of me.

 

They way she’s standing is exactly how we show our members to stand during certain situations but initiates aren’t expected to start using the stance until we start running them through drills in the third stage. Zach starts forward with his frown deepening and ready to stop whatever she’s got planned but I put a hand on his chest and stop him.

 

She takes a deep breath before speaking but does so with firm determination in her tone. “Initiate Prior reporting as ordered, sir.”

 

Zach’s lips thin in displeasure. I know he’s thinking going ahead with the plans for this morning is a bad idea. I can’t say I don’t agree with him. Regardless he looks at each of us before he gives me a small nod and looks back at her for a second before he turns to go and calls over his shoulder. 

 

“I expect you at breakfast, princess.” 

 

She flinches at the nickname but he misses that. He also misses the way her expression morphs into one of grief and hurt. It’s just for a second that this happens. One second where she loses the determined resolve and fire in her eyes when they get a little shiny from tears that are threatening to break free. Then she shakes her head forcefully and it’s gone when she looks back at me.

 

I’m at a complete loss on what to do and how to handle this right now. I stopped Zach from going to her mainly because I wanted to be the one to help her through this. But I’m not sure how to fucking do that. Part of me wants to say fuck it to training and all my plans then just take her in my arms and hold her, to talk to her. 

 

I’m still seriously considering what to do and whether or not I should go ahead while she stands in front of me, still at attention. But the longer I take to make any moves or say anything the more I see signs of that hurt in her eyes.

 

“Please, Eric?” She softly pleads. “I need this right now.” 

 

My lips thin as I fight myself. I can hear the truth in her plea that she believes this is what she needs but the new side of me, the one that can’t fucking stand to see her like this or in pain at all is not happy about this situation. 

 

In the end, I realize that I really don’t know any other way to help her. I’m not Zach, who can make even someone like me to open up a little and talk things out. I’m not Chase who could take her mind off things by making her laugh.

 

But I can give her this. I can give us both this because really, I need it too. I need to make sure that I won’t ever lose her to carelessness or losing focus. Even if I have to figuratively beat the lesson into her. Maybe even literally.

 

Something in my expression must give away my decision because she smiles at me, a smile of relief and even happiness. One that I can guarantee will fade once we get started. 

 

“I wouldn’t be smiling just yet, kitten. You want this, you’re going to get it. But I promise you that by the time we’re through you might not be able to walk out of this fucking room when I’m done with you.” I can’t help that even now my tone comes out in a way I don’t truly intend for it too. All purred promise with a hard edge to it. That makes me overcompensate with my order for her as I grab her arm and pull her with me, hoping that if by putting my body through the same thing it eases some of this burning for I have.

 

“Laps first until I say stop and then we move straight into combat.” 

 

Kat winces just a little and I can imagine that she’s still experiencing pain from her injuries as well as her hangover but she doesn’t make one peep of protest nor does she hesitate. She just squares her shoulders and plunges forward.

 

I look at her beside me and can’t help but feel the pride mixing in with every other feeling I’ve found she inspires in me. It’s all overwhelming and uncomfortable and makes me wonder why the fuck anyone sane would subject themselves to it. 

 

But I also know that now I’ve gotten a taste I wouldn’t trade these feelings for anything. Not a fucked up one of them.

 

* * *

  
  


I happen to glance at Kat and realize the sprint I have us doing has her seconds from passing out. Cursing myself for holding us in it for so long I bring us out of it and into a slow walk to cool down. Once we’ve done that I walk over to the bag I brought with me, fish around in it and take out two of the bottles of water, tossing her one and cracking my own open.

 

I take the time to look her over and evaluate how she’s doing while I gulp my water down. 

 

She’s a fucking mess right now that’s for sure. Her normal peaches and cream complexion is almost ghostly white right now. Her eyes are still red from when she was crying earlier and one side of her face is still covered in bruises even if they are fading faster than normal thanks to the meds we’ve slipped her. All that only stands out even more with how pale her skin is. 

 

She’s a mess but I’ve never felt that anyone could ever be as beautiful to me as she is right now.

 

She finishes her water and takes a few deep breaths before looking at me. Her back is straight and her chin raised with a look in her eye that is silently challenging me to bring it on.

 

That wicked grin I have slithers across my face and try as she might hide the slight shiver that happens at it, I still see it. Whether it's in apprehension or desire, I’m not sure. 

 

Fuck, I’m not even sure what I’m feeling more at the moment either. What I do know is that I’m probably going to enjoy this a hell of a lot more than I should.

 

“Let’s get started, kitten. Shoes off and get in the ring.” I rasp out as I walk past her and towards the ring.


	28. Beautiful Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat faces more than just Eric's planned punishment for her night of carelessness. Will her guilt and pain break her and if she manages to survive how will this affect her and Eric's fledgling relationship?

**Chapter 27 - Beautiful Pain**

 

**_Kat_ **

* * *

  
  
  


_ Someone’s gotta hate _

_ It’s never gonna change _

_ Gets harder everyday _

_ It’s a hell of a place _

_ To keep your heart from freezing _

_ To keep yourself believing _

_ ~Amen; Halestorm _

* * *

  
  
  
  


The pain in my head and the hurt in my heart is so bad that I feel like I’m blacking out and my knees give out from under me. Zach catches me, calling my name but I can’t respond. I’m barely holding onto consciousness.

I can hear the concern in Eric’s voice as he demands to know what is going on from Zach while I’m being carried into the training room. I’m sat down on something and Zach helps me to sit up, asking me if I’m okay.

I’m not okay.

But I can’t tell him that so I nodded a little, enough for him to feel okay with letting me sit up by myself. As soon as he’s gone it feels like my chest breaks open and I curl into it, trying to stem the tears and when I can’t, I try to hide them from the two men in the room.

_ Don’t let this break you! _

It almost does.

It’s one thing to know, logically, that there are people out there who were or have been affected by the events of that day. It’s a completely different thing to come face to face with it and it be someone who I have come to care for so deeply. 

It almost tears me apart with the weight of grief I feel for Zach and his loss. A loss I caused.

_ You didn’t cause this. You know who did this and it was never you. _

Marcus.

And I almost let him win just now. 

In all the years and all those times he used pain and the guilt I feel like a weapon to try and break me, I had never given in. He never broke my spirit even though he tried so hard and failed. 

This morning he almost won. I almost let him win.

I can hear Eric and Zach arguing and my tears calm as I listen. Not really wanting to hear how much they blame me or how disgusted they might be, but figuring it’s at the very least what I deserve.

I don’t ever hear that from either of the men in front of me. I hear their worries and I feel it radiating from them, like warmth, that washes over me, even from Eric who sounds angry at the moment, and that stops me from shattering.

They don’t believe I’m to blame. That it wasn’t, at the very least, all my fault. I hear Zach telling Eric that he doesn’t blame me and wants me to not blame myself either. 

_ Why can’t I do the same? _

I’ve never asked myself that question before. Never wanted to or thought I deserved to. This pain has always been a burden but just something I thought was only fitting for me to feel. That if I ever didn’t feel it, then I would be betraying my promise to make things right again.

I’ve always viewed that pain as a weakness, my secret shame, but isn’t that letting Marcus win by doing that?

I don’t know. But I do know that if it is, then it’s time to change that, to use it for something else and make it my own. A numb satisfaction settles on me at my decision.

“It’s not his fault, Eric.” The words feel like they are being spoken by someone else, someone else controlling my body while I try to regain the control I need but can’t manage on my own. 

I watch through dispassionate eyes as they turn to look at me. Eyes full of surprise and growing worry, and I guess I don’t blame them. I do sound rather robotic. 

“None of it is his fault but I know who to blame for this.” I feel a rising passion and anger rushing forward and replacing all that shame, guilt and fear. “I may not be able to change what happened or the part I played, but what happens from now on will be up to me.”

And there it is. 

Exactly what I need to put myself back together. I can’t ever get rid of those other things. They’re just ingrained way too deep inside of me but I won’t let them rule me anymore. I won’t let him rule me, my life, or my future any longer.

_ I will own it, make it mine, and use it to make sure he pays. _

Now I need to show these two that I’m not the little girl, the broken and weak one, that I was just seconds ago. I need them to see that I will not be treated with kid gloves and I don’t need soft words. 

I’m no longer Mary Katherine Prior, the little girl from Abnegation who had to take what was dished out to her then turn the other cheek for more. 

I force the physical pain in my body to the side as I make to stand and take the few steps until I’m in front of Eric. I adjust my stance and hold myself in the position that I had only seen Dauntless do when they would have a change over in guards at the old stations in my sector.

This morning was scheduled to be training for a single purpose and I intend to see that carried out. 

“Initiate Prior reporting as ordered, sir.” 

 

* * *

  
I’m fucking miserable.

Everything hurts on me. My head feels like the Pit in the middle of a raging party. Every once in awhile it feels like the lights in the training room become explosive fireworks dancing in front of my eyes. My stomach isn’t as bad off as it was when I first woke up but it isn’t feeling all that great either. It feels like I’ve been hit by a train while being stretched out on a torture device at the same time.

I also have the disturbing realization that instead of hating Eric or holding against him the current torture session of running he’s subjecting me to, it actually makes me feel... _ things _ ...that no sane or rational person should be feeling at the moment. 

It’s not that I love any of the physical sufferings I'm currently experiencing at the moment. It’s just that the fact that he is here with me now and willing to help me. That while he might not see me as particularly strong he also sees that I want to get that way, and is pushing me to that end. 

It makes me smile through the panting as I try to breathe while running. 

I see Eric turn his head a little to look at me then scowls at my smile. 

“Sprint,” He barks out and sets his own pace to match that. His legs make him leap ahead of me and for a second my smile gets just a bit wider before I begin to attempt to catch up to him.

_ Yeah, you’re one sick girl Kat Prior. _

The sprint lasts long enough for me to feel like my lungs are about to explode in my chest but I refused to protest even if I can’t stop all the physical signs of how it's affecting me. But I don’t complain either when he calls out for us to ease up and gladly follow his example as we slowly go through the stages of getting to a cool-down walking lap.

I watch him as he walks over to his bag and pulls out two bottles of water, then I almost whimper in relief when he tosses one to me. I feel his eyes on me, watching me closely as I gulp it down.

I know he’s looking for any signs that I won’t be able to continue, that I need a break or to stop for the day, but I refuse to ask for an ounce of slack. 

I want this. I _need_ this. I need to know I’m stronger than the girl I left behind.

So I raise my chin, straighten my posture as much as possible, and look him in the eye.

A wicked grin crosses his face at my challenge. I shiver and can’t even stop it from showing which makes that grin amp up even more.

“Let’s get started, kitten. Shoes off and in the ring.” He orders in a raspy purr and passes me without even waiting to see if I’m going to comply.

Which is a good thing because my knees are extremely weak and wobbly and it takes me a second to even be able to put one foot in front of the other. This only reinforces my belief that I’m not completely right in the head when it comes to one Eric Coulter.

Oh, I feel a good amount of reasonable fear at the smile, especially at what I think is ahead of me once I get in the ring with him. I just also have a really confusing and completely inappropriate amount of desire coursing through my body that I hope he misinterprets as me dreading or being afraid of what’s next because that would be a lot less humiliating.

So, I silently order my body to calm it’s crazy-ass down and follow him to my certain doom, my head down so I can watch my steps and take my shoes off. I take a deep breath, lift my head and nearly fall on my ass in shock. My eyes widen and I don’t have a chance in hell of stopping the gasp that leaves my mouth or my traitor feet from going out from under me.

Standing in the center of the ring is a very shirtless Eric with his arms crossed over his chest and smirking at me.

I catch myself from falling completely on my ass and immediately look down at my feet for a bit longer than necessary as I try to control my reaction to him taking his shirt off.  I know this exactly what he was wanting and waiting for. 

Trying to shock me and it certainly worked.

The bastard.

I’m going to have to force myself to look at him again but I could barely handle what I’ve seen already. All rippling muscles and bare skin.

“What’s the matter, Kat? Your actions from last night finally catching up to you?” I grumble curse words under my breath at his taunting and wince a little when I see him taking a step forward but I still can’t bring myself to look above his knee line. “Or...” He starts up again but the hard edge in his tone when he mentioned last night softens into something totally different. “Maybe you really do have too much Abnegation in you?”

My eyes snap up so I can glare at Eric, only to find he’s not there. He’s moving, circling me with a taunting smirk on his face. 

For a second I have a flashback to a science class in school where they showed a video of sharks and how they hunt, circling their prey before they strike. That image perfectly describes the smile and the way he is stalking me right now. 

This is enough to knock the silly feelings of desire right out of me so that I’m left with just fear. I don’t trust myself to speak. I might betray how I’m feeling despite my determination to not let him get to me. Instead, I take on my ready stance and hope my answering smirk isn’t as weak as it feels.

This is enough for Eric to take that as my answer and before I can blink, he launched his attack. If I hadn’t already known that Eric was taking this, and me seriously, I know the instant his hit drives the air from my lungs.

 

* * *

It’s a different Eric crouching in front of me as I sit on the same weight bench I sat on just a few hours earlier. I can’t even accurately describe the Eric in front of me right now. 

Our session ended, maybe ten minutes ago, and it was everything I thought it might be. He went at me hard, sometimes even viciously but I met him with just as much of the same intensity. He got the better of me mentally and emotionally a few times, trying to throw me off purposely but I slowly started to be able to work past that and focus better. 

This came at the expense of blows that I didn’t dodge or block in time. I think that's what has Eric crouched in front of me scowling as he gently tries to clean and tend to my newest injuries.

Eric pulls the cloth away from my face and grabs the bottle of water to pour a bit more over it. The scowl deepens on his face when he wrings it out and the water is tinged with red. His expression is making me angry at him, and I don’t know if I’m about to make a mistake, but I can’t let this continue. He looks up and raises his hand to start cleaning again but I batted it away with a scowl.

“Stop, Eric.” I snap at him, causing him to blink in shock and look at me, taking in my expression. “You’re acting like I didn’t deserve every new bruise or bump I got, but I did.”

That might not have been the best way to start out in trying to express myself because his expression goes from shock to darkly furious in one second flat. 

“They happened because I wasn’t protecting myself properly. Because I lost my focus and let them in when I could have prevented them from happening by just keeping it together. That was the whole point of this wasn’t it, Eric? For me to learn and get stronger? Right?”

We both know that’s what this morning was about but something happened that he’s upset about and that I can’t figure out what happened. 

I watch as his expression softens slightly, the furious scowl turns into just a normal one and the dark blue pools of blazing anger his eyes were just seconds ago shine with only flecks of it. I reach out a hand and gently use my fingers to touch over the places I managed to land a few blows on his jaw but that ends up in my cupping the side of his face entirely.

“It was,” He finally breathes out an agreement but I can still tell it's an angry one even if he does lean his face into my touch.

I huff in frustration. “Then why are you…”

“Because I went too fucking far, Kat!” His words from him as he jerks his head from my hand and looks away from me. 

Now I’m the one blinking in shock as I watch his chest quickly rising and falling as he breathes hard in anger. 

I think back to our session, going over everything, and I still don’t see where this anger at himself could be coming from. In my eyes, everything we did would be on par with what I would expect anyone being trained here in Dauntless would see as normal and routine. It wasn’t quite sparring but not a full-on fight either. I could tell he wasn’t hitting me as hard as he could and he certainly wasn’t using all of the skills I know he’s capable of. 

The only reason that comes to mind, and the one that I’m afraid this is coming from, is that he really does see me as a weak girl from Abnegation and not capable of the hard training sessions it would take to become Dauntless.

“How did you go too far, Eric? Isn’t what did what you would do with any normal initiate?” 

I don’t know if he notices the off-tone I get the question out in when I am finally able to voice it. He seems too caught up in his anger.

“What? No, and that’s the point. You aren’t a just some initiate, Kat.” 

Disappointment floods me and I make expression go blank as I nod slowly. “Right. Well, I’m sorry to have wasted your time.” 

"What?"

I start to get up but he pulls me back down with a hand on my shoulder and turns my face to look at him when I won’t. 

“You didn’t waste my time, Kat.” He says firmly and with a slight tinge of anger still in his tone as he finally gets my face turned so I’m looking at him. When he sees he has my attention he continues on, still not letting go but instead of the firm grip on my chin, he moves so that he’s the one cupping the side of my face now.

“You were right that the purpose was to help you but I was supposed to be the one that kept calm during it. Not the angry asshole that was in that ring with you.” His words are a strained whisper and I hear the pain and disgust at himself lacing them. “I was so angry at you about last night and what could have happened, how much fucking danger you were in and you weren’t in any condition to handle. All I could think about is what could have happened to you and I lost it when I shouldn’t have let that affect how I handled myself with you today.”

I can understand his anger at himself because I felt something so similar after I lost it during Tris’ fight and then when it took me so long to get it back together during my own. _I_ might not feel like he lost it as much as he really thinks he did or even in the same way as I did. But I can understand what’s important here is that  _ he _ believes he did.

What I don’t understand about his explanation is what he meant when he said what could have happened. 

“I didn’t know that it wasn’t safe to drink with a head injury. So I can understand being angry that I could have made it worse.”

“No, that’s not…” He shakes his head looks down for a second while sighing. “I mean, yeah, that was not the best decision you could’ve made either but that’s not what I mean when I said something could have happened. Zach said that I should just tell you so you’ll know and then would be more careful next time but dammit Kat, I can’t handle the fucking thought of there even  _ being _ a  _ next time _ .”

I can see he’s getting worked up again as he angrily shoves a hand through his hair so I reach out and put a hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down and look back at me. 

“So explain it to me, Eric.”

He drops his hand from his hair to my hip and grips it tightly while looking at me with intensity. 

“Dauntless can be a very dangerous place, Kat. You might think I’m just talking about the compound itself with places like the Chasm, all the paths that have no railing and the steep stairs, and you would only be partly right. That is all a very valid concern and hazardous for even the ablest of Dauntless. But get someone that has a disability or impairment, _like being fucking drunk_ ,” He hisses a little and pauses before going on. “And that just makes it that much more of a danger to even move through the compound. But all of that isn’t even the real danger I’m talking about, because bad shit happens here in this faction. Incidents where girls, women, find themselves in vulnerable positions for whatever reason and then stuff happens to them. Crap that I can’t even handle the thought of happening to you. So, seeing you in that state and knowing you were at risk…and you’re _so_ at fucking risk, Kat. It’s just going to get worse as training goes on. Tell me that you understand that.” He finishes on a demand with his fingers digging into my hip.

I do understand, despite coming from Abnegation I know exactly the dangers he’s referring to and I had developed a sense in regards to those, an awareness and even a wariness. Since coming here I’ve let that, and my guard down, thinking that since I escaped I would be safe from constant threats. 

To find out that it’s still something I’m going to face and have to be on the lookout for doesn’t come as much of a shock to me as it is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth and renewed determination.

I slowly nod and let out a shaky breath before answering Eric. “I understand, Eric. I’m sorry. It was stupid and I won’t let it happen again.”

I can see relief flash through his eyes just before he gently pulls my head forward and presses his forehead against mine while taking in a breath and letting it out slowly. 

“I won’t stop you from hanging out with your friends or even drinking _after_ _initiation_ ,” He pulls back and places emphasis on that last part before continuing on. “But I need you to promise me that you’ll at least try to be more aware and at have one of you staying fucking sober to make sure you’re okay.”

“Okay, I promise,” It’s an easy promise to make and one I intend to keep. 

With how miserable I’m feeling, and this new information, I have no intentions to drink or get that drunk again on the chance I do.  

He continues to hold my eyes for a few more seconds, I guess trying to determine if I’m just telling him what he wants to hear or if I’m being truthful. Finally, he nods a little before sighing and leaning forward again. Only this time he doesn’t press his forehead to mine, it’s his lips.

He pulls back before I can do more than blush and goes back to cleaning gently wiping my face.

It’s during this I think back on our conversation and I start asking him a few questions. Mainly about the drinking policy in general for initiates. Which he grumbles out that while it’s not in the rules initiates can’t drink, he and a few others have their own policies and tend to enforce them harshly.

Considering the information he then gives me about how many incidents involve transfers who’ve been drinking, I completely understand and agree. My mind goes to all the girls in my class, not just my sister, and the thought of any of them being hurt like that sends fear and anger through me. 

I think about Christina who’s mentioned a few times about being invited to a party with one member or another, or Sally who is so eager to fit in, she's likely to go along with anything.

“Stop,” I tell Eric firmly as he grabs the ointment and starts to undo the cap.

“I thought we went over this refusing meds shit yesterday, Kat.” He growls, shaking his head.

“We did. That’s not why I want you to stop.” I frown and take a breath trying to give him something that will make him more open to what I have to say. “I will even take any of those same medications or anything else you want to give me as long as you wait until after class training today. Or at the very least lunchtime.”

He narrowed his eyes at me as he lowers his arms to his knees in his crouched position before letting out a slow breath after hearing I’m not refusing medications. “Explain. You’re offering that but I can tell you want something in return. What is it?”

“I do. I’m aware that I probably made a scene in the Pit last night and most, if not all of the others saw me too. They know I was drunk and they need to know that I was punished for that. Let them see me this morning and make it known that this was a result of my punishment. Let it be an example to the rest of them, especially the girls.”

I finish, almost quietly, and unsure how he’s going to take this. I can already see his forehead scrunched up and the distaste in the way his mouth twists. And I know I’m asking him to take on the bad guy role in this scheme and while I don’t like that much either, I know it would help.

He raises a hand to the bridge of his nose and rubs it while signing out a muttered. “And maybe they’ll stay the fuck away from drinking, at least for the duration of training.”

I slowly nod even though he can’t see it with his eyes closed and running a hand over them tiredly. “Eric, I know how this will make you look….”

He drops his hand, looking at me and barks out a mirthless laugh. “You really think this would even rate on the ‘ evil bastard ’ scale compared to everything else I’ve either been accused of doing or what I’ve actually done? Someone will always find something to use against me, kitten. This wouldn’t be anything new.”

“Then why don’t you want to do it?” I ask, frowning and not able to decide if I’m feeling upset because he honestly believes that about himself or because I know there is truth in what he said.

“You’re friends and family means a lot to you. Initiation won’t last forever and when it comes out about us...they’re going to remember shit like this, Kat.” He mutters darkly.

Realizing why he’s hesitating, hearing him mentioning...us...in a significant way has my body flushing as warmth fills me. A flush that probably covers my whole body and giving me color for the first time since I woke up this morning. But I can tell this is one of those times I’m in danger of reading too much into things. So, I take a beat and a breath before answering.

“My friends and family do mean a lot to me but I count you among them. I’ve recently learned, mainly because of my sister's friendships that I don’t understand or care for, that I don’t have to like the people she counts as her friends as long as I respect that it’s her decision, not mine.”

It takes a second for him to respond but I saw brief flashes of emotion in his eyes, ranging from frustration to relief to happiness. But now he’s looking at me with them guarded again.

“I don’t want you to hold any illusions about me. I can’t be anyone other than who I am, Kat.”

I nod with a shrug and smile. “I wouldn’t expect anything else. I know we barely know each other and that it has only been a few weeks...but I like who you are, Eric. Who I’m coming to know.”

He looks down at the ointment still in one hand but I catch the twist of his lips into a smirk. He turns the tube this way and that, debating before he tosses it back into the bag and looks at me.

“At breakfast, you take whatever pills we give you, no questions or complaints. For lunch, we go to my apartment, get all this applied and eat there. Those are my conditions.”

For a split second my hackles raise, almost on instinct, to protest his demands. It only lasts for a second when I realize the trade-off is so much more important than my pride and need for control.

I give a simple single nod in reply that has him giving me a smug grin in return and chuckles a little. “Then let’s get to breakfast before Chase and Zach come looking for us. I’m sure they’re anxious to make sure I didn’t go too far.”

He packs up the bag and raises from his crouched position to standing with way more ease and grace than I can manage at the moment. 

I thought I hurt this morning when I woke up, and again before we started our sparring session after the run I thought had hit the limit of how much I could hurt. I’m internally laughing at that now with how bad I hurt.

Suddenly those meds he mentioned sound very welcome.

 


	29. I Don't Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat shows a side of herself to Eric that leaves him torn between using her to put fear and discipline in the other initiates or trying to make up for a major mistake he made with her. Can Eric put aside his personal feelings aside to make the decision as Eric the leader would?

**Chapter 28 - I Don’t Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation**

 

** _Eric_ **

 

Chase meets up with us as we head out of the training room and tells me that he just submitted his pairings for his fights and reminding me that I wanted to get mine submitted before Four can get his in. 

 

It slipped my mind that I would need to get that done before the training day started so I left Chase to get Kat up to the apartment and went to my office to grab what I already put together and take it to Max’s office.

 

Four is already there and presented his for the day but I went ahead and presented mine, not even attempting to hide my smile when Four looked all sour and pouting after Max gave a grunt of approval. 

 

Of course, that sour look on his face was probably also because I couldn’t help mentioning how despite his severe error in judgment in matching Tris against someone so clearly out of her level for a first fight, something even I wouldn’t have done on the first go, that she managed to prove herself capable. I used the off-handed compliment to her to also justify the matches while pointing out  _ number boy’s _ failure.

 

I leave the office as quickly as I can, mentioning I need to get back to overseeing a morning punishment. By the time I get to the apartment, breakfast is almost done and I walk into laughter. I can’t help the slight smile that crosses my face at coming home to the unexpected sounds despite the less than desirable subject matter. I quickly pass through the living area to my bedroom so I can get ready for the day and grab the meds I want Kat to take. 

 

Apparently, Chase and Zach have decided that last night's events make a funny story now that the seriousness of the situation has passed. I’m glad I’m missing out on that as they continue to tell her a play by play of things. The last thing I hear before I step into the shower is Chase recounting her conversation with Peter. 

 

I start the process of armoring myself for the day ahead of me. It’s been a ritual of mine even before transferring but it became even more important when I got here. After gaining a certain reputation I just decided to embrace it and tailored my look to reinforce that reputation. 

 

But today, I feel that I’m going to need every bit of my armor.

 

So, I take my time to make sure the sides of my hair are exactly the length I prefer them to shaved to then use a bit of extra gel to hold the top portion in place and smooth out my natural curls. After that I do an extra close shave, removing any trace of stubble that might have appeared since my last shave yesterday morning. 

 

Looking at my reflection I notice a few of the places Kat got me have started to form bruises. 

 

I debated leaving them all. In the end, I decided that it will be better if she’s the only one marked up if we’re going to make this plan work. However, I can’t bring myself to use the healing serum anywhere but the ones on my face. The others won’t be visible when I get dressed as they’re mainly on my upper torso. 

 

I decide to leave them. 

 

They’re her marks and with where they’re located, they produce little pains and twinges that I feel every time I move a certain way or certain muscles. Which I find myself doing a lot as I get dressed. Almost like I’m reassuring myself they are there.

 

Maybe I’m more fucked in the head that even I ever knew with how much I like those damn bruises on my skin. But it makes me feel like she’s claimed me, just like, in my mind at least, I’ve claimed her.

 

By the time completely dressed for the day they are thankfully past storytime and it’s time to eat.

 

I take my place beside Kat and push the pills her way after dumping them on a napkin. As promised, and agreed, she doesn’t question or complain, although she does make a face while taking them. 

 

Once I’m seated I can feel a bit of tension from my brothers and I know that they probably weren’t happy about how Kat looked when she showed up. They just aren’t going to lay into me about it with her here. 

 

There is something Zach can’t help but demand.

 

“Now that you’re here can you explain why Kat is refusing to take care of all that?” He demands and motions to the other side of her face.

 

I wince when I look over and see that the new ones she got from me look way worse than the ones she already had. They are extremely dark blue and purple in color, almost black in some places. Her lip is swollen and has a very angry red mark from where the cut to it was reopened. While her eye isn’t swollen to the point of almost being closed like the other side of her face had been, she has a very definite black eye from a blow that clipped her just on the side before she knocked it aside. 

 

Seeing all of that is just a reminder of how much I lost it this morning. Something I’m just as angry at myself for as my brothers are.

 

“You might not believe me, but it actually looks worse than it is.” Kat’s words are soft but she’s looking between Chase and Zach in a way that almost makes me think she’s daring them to say differently. They don’t but I can see them both glance at me knowingly, telling me they know that she is worse off than they are happy with. 

 

“Eric told me about the unspoken policy against drinking for initiates and that anyone caught is reprimanded or punished. He also told me about one of the most important reasons initiates, specifically girls, shouldn’t be drinking around here. I know that drinking hurt was irresponsible and I’ve already promised I won’t do it again, but what about the others? Especially girls like Christina and Sally, they are more likely to ignore any kind of warning they get but seeing an example of what will happen to them if they’re caught...that’s harder to ignore. So, I’ve come up with a plan that will hopefully discourage them at least for the rest of initiation. I don’t know if it will work but I have to at least try. I know it all looks worse than it really is but that will help in convincing them that I got all this during a punishment for getting drunk last night.”

 

My brothers are stunned enough that they don’t respond right away. I can guess what they are thinking, it’s probably not far off from what I felt when she came up with the idea in the training room.

 

I felt a burning and fierce pride in her that I couldn’t begin to explain. That she understood my position in everything and even agreed was unexpected but what really took me by surprise was how she instantly went to using events to her advantage, in a way that I could see myself doing. But where my reasoning and use of advantages come from a hardened and oftentimes cruel place, her’s is from a place of pure protectiveness and generosity.

 

If I took any of the other initiates and put them in her place they would never have thought of anyone besides themselves for even a second. They wouldn’t volunteer to use themselves to protect people they don’t know or give a shit about. 

 

But I know that this was an opportunity I couldn’t ignore or easily refuse to go along with even if I hesitated and argued with myself over it. My biggest hesitations came from not wanting her to think I could ever use her in any way and how I know this is going to make me look to the people she’s closest to. I knew the advantages outweigh my personal feelings on the matter and I couldn’t put myself ahead of my responsibility. 

 

Once their shock wears off I can see the other emotions playing out in my brothers' eyes. As they give their own approval, vocally to Kat, we exchange silent messages in that way we have. 

 

Zach is trying not to smirk at knowing he was right that being honest and telling her the reasons it upset us all so much would have a greater effect than silent anger. 

 

Chase is mixed. He doesn’t like the idea of using her in any way either but agrees that it needs to be done. Not only will this hit home with the transfers but word will spread to the Dauntless-born and head off any issues he might have with them. Especially since Lauren is known to actually encourage and even party with the people she’s supposed to be training. 

 

The tension from the others fades as we eat and talk and I allow myself to relax slightly. I don’t want to think about what I’m going to be facing once we leave this apartment but I know it’s something I’ll have to face sooner than I like.

* * *

 

By the time we make it to the training room, well before I know anyone else is going to be there, I’m scowling hard. 

 

When we were about to head out, Kat came out of the bathroom and made the declaration that we shouldn’t take the paths I usually do when trying to avoid having too many people see us together. Instead, she wants us to take the one that will go right through the Pit and other heavily populated areas. 

 

I agreed, however reluctantly it might have been. 

 

I have to admit based on the reactions we got as we made our way through the Pit, it certainly made the impression we were going for.

 

Now she stands beside and slightly behind me in that perfect way she has of mixing a proud and strong posture with that of someone who’s been taken to task. But this time I know that the additions of the slight hunching of her shoulders and flashes of pain that crossed her face aren’t all an act. 

 

She’s actually hurting.

 

And that’s the majority of the reason for my current scowl. It’s not hard for me to dredge up the anger I’m supposed to have but none of it is about the events of last night anymore. Instead, it’s all anger at myself and this morning, for losing it as I did with Kat in the ring and not all in a physical way. It’s all the shit I said trying to provoke her, to make her lose it. 

 

At some point, I started saying things not just to make her lose it but just to lash out and hurt her. To try and make her feel even a little of what I felt when I thought of everything that could have happened to her. I don’t even remember everything I specifically said to her, I just know that I was completely living up to my reputation. 

 

Her reactions to this morning have me feeling conflicted between something I can’t really define and anger. 

 

She stood in that ring with me, seeing me at my absolute worst, and didn’t back down when I was going at her. She even gave me as good as she got. We both lost it at times but got better before the end. Like we were getting something out of our system. In the end, we went down on the mat in a panting, sweaty mess after she got a few damn good hits on me. They were hard enough that they literally knocked some fucking sense back into me. 

 

After that, all I wanted to do was take care of her. To clean her up and wipe away any trace of the damage I had done to her. Hoping that if I damaged  _ us _ in any way I could wipe that away just as easily.

 

She’ll never know how much it’s tearing me up inside to leave her like that.

 

The first of the initiates start to trickle in only to stop short at the sight of me waiting, dead center of the room. Not many of them are noticing Kat, as they’re all more concerned about me and what has me so pissed off.

 

They don’t really notice her until Tris does. 

 

“Kat!” She softly gasped her sisters' name as she takes in Kat’s appearance.

 

The biggest reaction is from Four as he follows up the last straggler. 

 

“What the…” He starts to growl out his eyes wide and looking at Kat, seeing her face that’s now a mess on both sides, until I shift and smirk, gaining his attention. His lips are thin in his anger and if looks could kill, I’d probably be dead. Four’s sent me some hateful looks before in our years here but this is the first time that I think he would actually kill me if he had a chance.

 

All this does is just add to the effect we were hoping for.

 

_ Showtime then. _

 

“Thanks for joining us,” I start out in my normal cold drawl. “I’m sure all of you are aware of a certain initiate having made a complete ass of herself in the Pit last night.” 

 

I cast a pointed glare over my shoulder at Kat standing behind me. One she returns with a slight lift of her chin, showing just a little defiance while at the same time she allows a real wince and flash of pain to come through. 

 

“What you might not have known is that drinking is prohibited during initiation and the consequences of such an action if you are caught…” I pause and turn my head to fully look back at Kat then turn to smirk at the rest of the group “...are severe.” 

 

I caught Kat’s small flinch when I looked back at her. I saw how her eyes moved over each of the girls, especially her sister, as I spoke of consequences. The flinch wasn’t from physical pain but her remembering why she’s doing this. 

 

“We put these rules in place for a reason. Your fellow initiate got off easily and way too damn lucky if you ask me.”

 

From somewhere in the group I think I hear a muttered, didn’t ask you, but I can’t find the source as I rake my eyes over them with a piercing glare.

 

Four steps up and clears his throat, causing me to turn that glare and knowing that he’s about to try and stop what I’m doing here.

 

“Every year, more times than we would care for it to happen or that we can prevent, there are severe injuries and even deaths. The cause? Some initiate that’s never drank before or even ones that have, end up taking on more than they can handle. It doesn’t matter that you think you can handle it or you think one drink won’t matter and that we’ll never find out. We will.” 

 

He finishes up his little speech and looks back at me, but as he does his eyes land on Kat and I can see the anger still there mixed in with disgust as his eyes shift to me. Even with that, he gives me a small reluctant nod, as if to say that we are in agreement about this at least.

 

Fuck me sideways. He’s actually agreeing with me on something?

 

I succeed in shoving aside my disbelief and surprise at this turn of events and get back to matters at hand. 

 

“Not to mention that it is a really fucking stupid choice to drink, especially to the point of being completely drunk, the night before you have type of training. Physical training and your fights require you to be at your best and peak conditions.” I sneer as I look over everyone, letting my eyes linger on a few of them longer than others. “Well, at least as much as you sorry bunch can be in peak physical condition.”

 

I smirk at the bristling and glares I see around the room, then continue. 

 

“If you do  _ anything _ , more specifically outside of training, that takes you out of that condition and you might as well be taking yourself out of  _ training _ . I think I’ve already shown what giving up, and that is what we would consider this to be, will get you. Your fellow initiate found out first hand where breaking the rules gets you and she will continue to be taught this lesson every day until her training ends.” I glance back at Kat, smirk still in place. “Isn’t that right, initiate?”

 

She hadn’t been looking at me until I addressed her but when I do her eyes snap to mine and she holds them for just a moment with that stubborn tilt to her chin, before she lowers both her eyes and chin just a tiny amount. Enough to show respect but not submission.

 

“Sir, yes, Sir,” Her tone hints at nothing but answering my question, though to me it sounds as if she’s working to keep anything else from her voice.

 

I look back over the group and my face goes devoid of everything but while I let my voice drop into its deadly softness. “Is that understood initiates?”

 

It takes a moment as the group shifts uncomfortably, some of the girls looking at Kat and wincing at what they see but in the end, they all give the affirmative with a combination of mutters and grumbles using the same answer Kat just gave seconds ago.

 

I decide to let that pathetic attempt go and give a grunt of dismissal as I look over at Four, letting him know he can start the day. Which he does immediately barking out for everyone to gather around.

 

I turn away from the group so that my back is to them and so that I can watch as she passes. I want this last small moment with her, and my expression softens a little as she takes steps towards me. I know she can’t return the expression but I need something. So I decide to step slightly in her way, making her brush up against me in a way that makes it seem like I was just being a dick to her. Her shoulder bumps against my arm and I see her lips twitch a little as she looks up at me knowingly.

 

“Careful there, initiate,” I say in that low tone that she knows is just for her.

 

She steps past me and turned her head to look over her shoulder at me with her lips tilting in a slight smile. “Sorry, Sir. I’ll try to remember to be more careful in the future.”

 

The way she says the word Sir and the look in her eyes as she says it is definitely different than earlier, and I know that this time it’s intentional. It might not have been the first time she said it in this manner but like my tone and my nickname for her, this is just for me. 

 

I don’t respond but smirk a little as I watch her joining the others.

 

Four’s giving a rundown of the day will consist of and it’s probably going to be a boring one. For what has to be the first time in all my years here in Dauntless, I’m actually glad of that. Because it means that, at least for these next few hours, I don’t need to worry about Kat and what kind of shit she could get up to.

 

Shaking my head I join the group as they all head out to the roof to begin working with the newest firearms they’re set to learn.

 


	30. Life And Games In Dauntless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some time skips that give us a picture of life in Dauntless for Kat as an initiate as the end of first stage approaches. And of course the first Eric/Four showdown with highly anticipated Capture the Flag game. What team will the sisters be on and who will win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own naught but my own crazy plot...

 

* * *

**Chapter 29 - Life and Games In Dauntless**

** _Kat_ **

Today has been a good day so far. Funny saying that after the ' _season of hell_ ' that it seems like things have been lately.

The morning passed quickly and in a pretty awesome way. We went to the roof and worked with semi-automatic rifles. Once again I did good but Edward did better. That did leave me a bit put out. I don't begrudge him his success but I itch to be able to improve my own performance. It doesn't help that I know my accuracy was affected by the lingering injuries to my ribs and the fact that I was still hungover and tired from my session with Eric.

I was still pouting about all of that when lunchtime came around, which Zach found highly amusing as he led me to the apartment and I wouldn't shut up about it; not even when Eric and Chase showed up shortly after we did. It took Eric promising, with a bit of a smug smile, that he could probably arrange something. Only if I behaved though.

Lunch went pretty quickly. Because there wasn't time to really cook anything Chase picked up something for us to eat. His contribution to our meals today was extremely similar to one that is firmly down as one of my favorite things I've found to eat so far. In my opinion, when he showed up and opened a box of chicken tenders, a larger version of my favorite chicken nuggets, there couldn't have been a better choice. He even had the mashed potatoes and rolls I love so much too, but he added something new and a bit strange called gravy that actually went well with the meal.

Of course, before I was allowed to eat my heaven on a plate, I had to let Eric tend to me as I promised. I didn't know whether to be thankful or not that he didn't ask me to take my shirt off this time. It didn't lessen my reactions to his touch when instead he slipped his hands under my shirt to make sure my ribs are healing and to put more of the ointment on them then wrap them up again.

We had this moment after he was done when we were just looking at each other for a few intense seconds. I don't know if I was able to hide my desire all that well, despite trying so hard too. For a second I thought I might be seeing the same in his before he let out a breath, scowling and backed away while he helped me down from the counter.

That encounter only seemed to reinforce what I've come to believe about Eric in those times. His body is clearly reacting as any healthy man might. But it's almost involuntary and he can't help it. He also doesn't particularly care for that reaction, judging by his scowl.

I was nervous about going into the training room after lunch. We hadn't been able to see who we would be facing before lunch. Seeing Christina beside my name didn't upset me really but I was a bit...unsure...of how to feel about facing my sisters' friend. But I admit that it was kind of a relief to not worry about going into a potentially hard fight to keep focus in. It also helped that Tris was matched to Myra.

Something else that helped me was this morning with Eric. I don't know if it was the combination of our actual training session or what he revealed to me after it, but I felt much more centered than I have been for a while. Doing my meditation I realize that it's a bit easier and I feel like I'm thinking just a bit more clearly.

I came to a realization during them that the people in my initiation aren't really my enemies. No matter if I like them or not, no matter if they don't like me, they aren't my enemy. It doesn't make them less of a threat if they choose to be, but I'm choosing not to look at them they are.

There are real threats out there though, and Eric's reminder of some of them has brought up all the things I've promised myself to never feel again. I can't afford to make mistakes as I have been lately.

Because of this...realization...I start my meditations as soon as lunch is over and I know we are going into fights.

Tris and Myra's match is the first one of the day. It wasn't a long one and while Tris did win, it wasn't with a knockout. I could tell that Myra did put in the effort and tried but Tris' training was able to ensure she got a win. I'm proud of the way she handled herself in the fight. She didn't hesitate and while she did hold back, it was only in the way that she didn't inflict more than was necessary to get Myra to the ground and unable to continue.

My fight with Christina wasn't as easy as the one against Myra but it was nowhere near as difficult as the one against Drew either. For her end, Christina handled this fight better than she did against Molly. She actually put effort into it, even getting in some really good hits on me. I think my smiles when she landed a hit might have disturbed or even unsettled her, which I wasn't really meaning to do but I couldn't help them. It was a surprise and I was happy she was trying more than I've seen her try before now.

I don't know that I will ever like the girl, I pretty much can't stand her to be honest, but I don't want her to fail either. I don't want anyone to be forced to live as factionless.

Her putting in effort did mean that I had to make sure to double mine. She obviously wasn't going to allow herself to have a repeat of her fight with Molly and give up. Which meant I knew it was going to come down to a knockout. But unlike her fight with Molly, I had no desire to leave her a bloody mess. So, I tried to keep my hit to ones that could take her out of the fight.

After fights, anyone left in good enough condition after their fights were then expected to pair up and continue working on techniques and conditioning. There were a few members that would stop in from time to time to watch the fights. When they did, sometimes they even passed on advice for us on how to improve. I spent the remainder of the day doing more training and light sparring and alternating partnering with Tris and Will.

We leave the training room for the day after watching Edward beat Molly in a ridiculously fast fight, ending our day on a high note.

I'm exhausted as hell and ready to go to bed even if the bed is located in a stinky dorm. But at dinner, my friends with the addition of Tris and her friends, are all on some kind of high from our wins, even Christina (who didn't win but was excited at how Molly was beaten so hard and quick).

Someone came up with the idea to get another tattoo (Uri) and I quickly found myself in the parlor. We decided on getting the Dauntless symbol. Though not everyone wanted a straight out version of it and came up with designs of their own.

I worked with Tori for mine. She decided to take pity on me and help me out when I was having trouble describing what I wanted to Bud and since I can't draw myself that failed too.

I love what I ended up with.

At the top of my spine is a lotus flower with the Dauntless symbol at the heart of the flower. The flames of the symbol meld into and form into the petals. Underneath that, the flower is being held in hands, cupped and poised as if lifting the flower up. It's not exactly like the Abnegation symbol but it has enough similarities that it can be recognized as a tribute of sorts to it. Surrounding the tattoo is a border in the shape of a triangle composed of faint lines. These lines are actually composed of a combination of short lines, long lines, and dots. To anyone that doesn't know it is a form of language called Morse Code it just looks like a geometrical shape framing the tattoo. I'm pretty sure that there aren't going to be many people, or anyone really, that knows it.

I only know Morse Code because I read about the language being used as a means of communicating by the telegraph that was once used before telephones were invented. It was also heavily used during war times. After I read about that, I looked up anything I could find about it and eventually was able to teach myself the code.

By the time my tattoo was done, I had pretty much exhausted all of my energy so I decided to head right to the dorm. I could feel Eric and Chase's eyes on me as I passed them on the way there and I'm pretty sure one, if not both of them, might have followed me and Tris to make sure that's where I was actually going.

The very last dregs of my energy were spent doing a quick clean up after a very long day. I think by the time my body actually hit the bed I was already asleep.

* * *

Two weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye.

My days are pretty set into a routine, though the activities themselves aren't always the same.

Every morning I go to the dining hall for my coffee where I'm almost always joined by Eric, Chase, and Zach. Sometimes Zach doesn't join us for that part but I end up seeing him at breakfast. After coffee, Eric and I go either to the training room or his office, but it's mainly been the training room to work on whatever he wants to work on that morning. We've mainly been working on my hand to hand fighting skills and he says that's what we'll be continuing until fights are over.

Mornings with Eric haven't been as brutal as that first one was after my night of drinking with Lynn. The first few I actually felt he was going too easy on me and even said as much. At first, he tried to say it was because I was still hurt and having trouble with my breathing, to which I told him that I was breathing much better and my ribs were barely even sore anymore. I guess he realized that he didn't really have any excuses and that he was still upset with himself about what happened that morning.

After that, he started to pick back up on intensity again. I still leave those training sessions looked bruised and battered because he is always picking up the skill levels or introducing new things to me. And though, I can truthfully say I've gotten better, I'm still nowhere near the level he is. Sometimes we get caught up in what we're doing and both of us forget this fact. Which is part of why I look torn up when it's all over.

After every session, Eric still tries to clean me up, like he did that first time, and as I did then I refuse to let him make me any less like I've just had my ass handed to me. He knows it's still necessary but doesn't like it at all. This results in me having to bargain with me every time.

Unless he has to attend a meeting or some other leader duty, breakfast is at Eric's apartment. There have been times when Eric did have to go but the rest of us still had breakfast there. I think he's been putting off certain things because there are times when he gets pulled out of training by one person or another and he always looks annoyed as hell by it.

Training is still really physical. Mainly focusing on our fitness, fighting, and firearms. Everyone's body is changing, getting in better condition and looking more like what you would expect to see in Dauntless.

Both Tris and I have definitely had some changes to our bodies happen but hers stand out the most because she hadn't been able to get in as much physical preparation before coming as I did. It's not only our bodies that have improved but our skills as well. Tris hasn't had near as much trouble with firearms as she had in the beginning and her accuracy is only getting better as training goes on.

Fights have been a mix for us.

While I do technically have an undefeated status, there are a few of those fights that I don't count as a win. The ones that stand out the most to me in that regard were my fights with Myra and the one with Al. While Myra did try I can't say the same about Al. I'm pretty sure he actually faked being knocked out and even moved into the hit I threw at his head.

Tris has had a few losses. Her's were from her matches with Will, Drew and Edward. But in each of those, she put up a hell of a fight and almost won against both Will and Drew.

We're wrapping up stage one finally. I've wondered what the rankings are and know I could have found out by now but have remained firm that I'm going to find out with the rest of the initiates.

I am excited for stage one to be over and to know how well I did but I can't say I'm looking forward to the next stage. I worry about what kind of fears I'll have to face but I've tried not to let myself focus on that. It doesn't stop my dreams from being invaded by them night after night though.

This mornings bargaining was a bit of a weird one. Eric wanted to negotiate me having dinner with the guys at his apartment instead of with my friends in the dining hall. That part wasn't strange but since he often uses that. What was unusual was his demand that after dinner I go straight to the dorm and to bed. I agreed and figured I would find out why at dinner but that was a bust. They refused to tell me but they all had smiles and a manic look in their eye with an air of way too much excitement.

Knowing something was up I decided to follow the command, however, I also made sure to take Tris along with me. When I made it back to the Pit, I pulled Tris away and asked if she wouldn't mind walking with me to the clinic so I could get something for a mild headache. I knew if I was actually volunteering to take meds then her protective big sister instincts would kick in. Like I hoped, she also ended up getting ready for bed as well saying, she felt tired too.

I knew she also had no desire to go back to hanging out with Christina at the moment. Her friend was in one of her cold-shoulder moods where she wasn't happy Tris didn't want to go hang out with some of the older Dauntless members she's taken to hanging with lately. It's mainly Lauren, the Dauntless-born trainer, who she's taken to shadowing lately. Lauren is a party girl and major flirt, both are things Christina is all too happy to join in whenever she can.

What I didn't count on was Tris noticing my worried expression as we got ready for bed. While getting ready for bed, I tried to figure out what could have even Eric looking excited while they were still worried enough that they insisted I take more meds to make sure my ribs are all healed. She noticed this and asked me what was wrong. I ended up telling her that I had a feeling my next fight was going to be a lot more difficult and was just running through all the possibilities in my mind of who I might face.

It wasn't exactly a lie. That is a worry for me. I still haven't faced three people that are the most skilled in the group. Edward, Peter, and Will. I think I'm ready for the challenge and I know there's no way Eric isn't going to put in his bid to have me face one of those three. Maybe that's what has the three of them so an edge then?

I fall asleep sometime in the middle of running through a plan for each of those three.

* * *

There's a loud crashing sound that causes me to jerk awake violently. I realize the sound was actually the doors for the dorm being thrown open and that a group of people is stomping their way in and down the stairs with flashlights in their hands.

One figure is out in front and I recognize him before he even speaks.

"Everybody up!" Eric roars loudly and a flashlight is moved in just the slightest, enough to make the gauges in his ear glint a little.

Someone takes his shouting as a cue and starts banging something against a pipe, making me cover my ears until it stops. The entire thing is disorientating as hell and it's only made worse because it feels like I just got to sleep, to begin with.

When the banging stops I rub the sleep from my eyes and glare at the group. Surrounding him are several people that I recognize including Four, Zeke, Chase, and Zach.

I realize that others are all scrambling from their beds while I'm still laying here. Something Eric notices too and I feel him turn his gaze on me. I blush and have the thought that I really should get moving too but something about the way I know his eyes are lingering on me keeps me from moving. Something else catches his attention enough that he looks away from me but then turns back to start glaring in Tris' direction.

"Did you go deaf, stiff?" He barks out.

This snaps me out of my daze and has me scrambling out, joining Tris who looks to be just as flustered as I am.

I instantly move towards the chest at the end of my bed where I normally leave my clothes laid out, but cursed in my mind when I remember I forgot to get them ready like normal.

Imagine my surprise when I see a stack of clothing and boots there waiting for me. I shake my head but start pulling on everything, noticing that pants, shirt, and jacket are thicker than what I would wear around the compound. They also have a uniform feel to them as well, but they aren't the initiate ones we were given.

I look over at my sister, hurriedly whispering that she better grab long sleeves and a jacket just in case. Then look next to her when I see that Christina is getting dressed but doing it very slowly, something I know isn't going over well with Eric by the impatient tapping of his foot.

"Do you require instructions on the simple task of getting dressed, initiate?" He snarled as he walked closer in our direction with an angry glare at her.

At this she stops getting dressed completely and turns to face him, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at him. At first, I think I must be mistaken because this is Christina and she equally loathes and fears Eric after the Chasm incident. So, it must be the fact that the only light is from flashlights right now that makes it appear she's looking at him  _that_  way. Then I realize I am not seeing things and she is definitely giving him a look of invitation or a challenge or...something.

My blood begins to boil, completely driving out the rational voice that is trying to remind me she is also giving the look I've heard Lauren trying to coach the girl on how to use instead of showing fear to guys like him. Really it doesn't matter to me  _why_  she's giving him that flirty look, but she needs to fucking stop now!

A sharp elbow to my side has me whipping around with a scowl to find my sister looking at me with wide worried eyes.

"We need to get dressed, Kat." She commands me in a hurried whisper but I can tell she's worried about whatever the hell is going on with me.

I don't respond as I try and steady my breathing. Try as I might, I can't help turning to look back in the direction of Christina and Eric. Thankfully she's started to get dressed again and not even looking at him anymore.

Eric though is looking right at me wearing a smirk.

"You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks. We're going on another field trip." He announces to the room while only looking at me. After this, he simply turns from the room and walks out with the others.

I finish getting dressed in a huff while Tris keeps eyeing me while getting her boots on. "Are you okay? Why were you growling?"

I sigh out loud and tie up the laces of my boots violently before straightening up and looking at her, deciding to evade answering the question with an honest to god confession. "This sucks, I  _just_  got to sleep and I need coffee, dammit."

Tris chuckles and follows my example, grabs one of her own hairbands and puts her hair up in a hasty ponytail like I just did seconds ago. Then she reaches out and links her arm with mine, pulling me with her so we can join the others as we all rush out of the dorm room. Once we are out the door we see Christina and the others start to jog towards the Pit. We keep pace with her and Will, staying near the back while we all debate what's going on.

Tris asks me if I have any clue, hoping Chase and Zach have told me, but I have no answer for them either. Whatever it is, it looks like the rest of Dauntless know because the Pit is full of Dauntless watching as we all file through the Pit with expressions of excitement. There are a few familiar faces in the crowd, people I've at least talked with a time or two in my time here. These people clap my back as I pass, saying things like 'good luck' and 'don't die'.

Tris and Christina pale slightly as they hear this.

"Relax, Tris. I'm sure they're exaggerating...a little." I inform her with a playful smile.

We make it to the tracks just behind the Dauntless-born. As soon as I see them, I pull Tris along with me to find my friends. While searching for them I see several big bags near to where the trainers and Dauntless members are all standing and waiting for the groups to assemble. They look exactly like the tactical bag Eric has carried on the few times we did weapons training instead of combat during our mornings together.

Seeing those I completely forget searching for my friends and rush towards them, barely realizing that I'm pulling Tris along with me until I can hear her puffing out a request for me to slow down. I release her hand and lunge for the bags. One of them isn't zipped closed so it's easy for me to get a look at what's inside and I let out a squeal of glee when I do.

The first bag is full of guns, but they aren't anything I've seen or worked with before. The barrels are longer than normal and they have trigger guards on them. I grab one of them to inspect and then look over at the bag right next to it, watching as a Dauntless-born opens it to reveal boxes of what I can only assume is the ammunition.

I don't even hesitate to grab a box of that with a smile. When I stand back up I'm buzzing with excitement and bouncing on the balls of my feet. I don't know what's planned but whatever it is I'm up for it.

I watch as Tris and Christina bend over the bags, looking in them. Tris stays bent over but Christina straightens with a scowl on her face.

"Are we going to be shooting something?" She hisses disdainfully.

Tris straightens up and I see a gun in her arms and her stuffing a box of ammunition into her jacket as well, about to answer her friend but I don't give her the chance.

With a wicked smirk on my face, I look at Christina. "If there is any justice in the universe we will be. Something...or  _someone_ …" I watch as she takes in my wicked grin and my gleeful words while looking at her appraisingly before she quickly looks away and pretends to ignore me. "Hey, Christina," I call out her name, making her look at me warily. "Wanna be my huckleberry?" I purr out the question.

Knowing she probably won't get the movie reference but hope my expression will communicate the message. She does and she looks completely terrified.

I hear choking laughter behind me from the group of Dauntless members that has the instructors among them and I turn my head to see Chase acting like something just went down the wrong windpipe while beside him Eric is smirking in my direction.

"You really think they will have us shooting each other?" I hear Christina whispering to my sister and I turn my head to see how my sister responds. Not before I see Eric wink at me really quick then turning away.

Tris shrugs, a frown in place. "I don't know, Christina. But they do have us fighting each other so…" She's interrupted by Eric barking out an order.

"Everyone grab a gun and a box of ammunition and then fall in." He shouts.

Knowing there's about to be a rush of people following orders, I grab my sisters arm and pull her with me away from the madness. Christina doesn't follow us. She slips off to join another group but my friends soon join us.

Lynn looks at me, grinning and chuckling. "Is our kitty Kat planning on sharpening her claws tonight?"

I blush and scowl at her. "Oh shut up," I muttered in a huff slightly embarrassed at my display while hoping no one else picked up what motivated me to act that way to Christina.

I know Lynn figured it out while I think my friends and sister probably just think it's because the former Candor girl and I rub each other the wrong way a lot. That could be part of it but I think it was mostly out of me still being pissed about her little stunt in the dorm. That and a feeling that I'm not really familiar or comfortable with.

Jealousy.

It would be a lie to say that over the years I haven't had flashes of jealousy in some form but they were always fleeting and not very strong. They were usually over small things and easily overcome and forgotten. They were nothing like the seething inside of me when I saw Christina looking at Eric like that.

Now I know what Lynn was talking about when she told me how hard it was to get over her own jealousy of Uriah and his relationship with Marlene. How it felt uncontrollable and how she hated feeling that, not to mention how guilty it made her feel when she acted out because of it.

That's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

"Time estimate?" Eric abruptly asks Four after he finishes talking to Chase and Zach about whatever it was that had the other two laughing.

Four rolls his eyes and checks his watch before replying. "Any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?"

"Why should I when I have you to remember it for me?" Eric replies tauntingly with a smirk as he slaps a hand on the other man's shoulder in what he wants to look like a playful manner.

Four is the first on the train, quickly followed by Tris when she ran right after him. That wasn't too surprising but it was still amusing. Until I realized that I do something very similar the moment I see Eric, Chase, and Zach, and take off after them when they start running to get on too.

When I go to pull myself up into the car Chase is there, holding out a hand with a smile and helps pull me in easily. He gives me a nod and motions me to move into the train but stays by the door to help all the others who are struggling to get onto the train while carrying their guns.

I quickly move out of the way and join my sister at the far end of the car but don't sit down like she's doing right now. I literally can't even force myself to try and sit or be still.

"Oh for Pete's sake, Kat." Tris huffs and stands up to face me with a scowl I can tell she doesn't mean. "It was hurting my head trying to keep up with watching you bounce up and down like that." She mutters but I see her trying not to grin.

Once everyone is in the car Four speaks up.

"We'll be dividing into two teams to play Capture the Flag. Each team will get an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same."

Four says this all from beside the car door while holding onto the frame to keep himself balanced but doesn't seem a bit worried about the rapidly passing landscape behind him.

"What does the winning team get?" A male voice shouts and has both Eric and Four searching for the speaker.

"Sounds like something a transfer would ask." Eric sneers and disregards the question while Four just shakes his head smirking.

"You get to win and the bragging rights that go with it. A  _very_  big deal in Dauntless. Right, Eric?"

Eric's lips thin slightly and I can see a little twitch of his eye but otherwise, he doesn't acknowledge what I know was Four taunting him and just continues one with telling us what's going to happen.

"Four and I will be your captains." He announces while looks us all over then turns and looks at Four. "Let's divide up the transfers first, shall we?"

As he announces this I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, full of anticipation and worry. I am suddenly very worried about what team I'm going to be on and torn internally. Wanting to be on his team but not knowing if he's even going to pick me to be on it. There is also the worry about Tris and not wanting to be on a different team than my sister.

"You go first," Four says casually to Eric.

I watch as Eric's eyes move over the group until they get to me, where he hesitates for just a second before he shrugs and says, "Edward."

My friends had made their way over to me and Tris shortly after Four started telling us what was going to be happening today. Lynn took the other side of me, so when I deflated after Eric picked someone, not me, she elbows me hard in my side and glares at me. At that my back goes straight and after taking a little breath I nod at her.

Four leans against the doorframe and nods at Eric's choice while he starts scanning the group and his eyes hesitate as well. They also flicker between me and Tris and a new sinking feeling adds to the others when I realize that wasn't something I considered at all.

What if he picks me before he picks Tris? At this thought, I start shaking my head while screaming in my head 'no, I don't want to be on your team you asshole'!

I know he'll pick my sister without a doubt but if he picks me before her I know it will hurt her, especially when I get around to telling her about us.

His eyes move away from us quickly, and I see him swallow in what is probably nerves but doesn't allow it to show on his face. "I want the stiff."

I narrow my eyes as I pin with him a glare and wonder if he really thought that would get him out of making a real choice while laughter around the train car turns my frown into a scowl.

"Which one?" Someone calls snidely and I turn to see that it's Molly, of course. "Why don't you just take them both, they're useless enough that they barely count anyways."

"If we wanted your input we would have asked for it, Initiate. Also, before you open your mouth again maybe you should remember that next to those two you barely have any skills with weapons." Eric sneers at her in his soft tone that has the razor edge to it, his locked on her.

She gulps and nods frantically. Eric gives her a brief dismissive look before turning to look back at Four. "She has a point though. Which one are you going with?"

He only hesitates for a second before he shrugs and motions with his head towards my sister. "Tris will do."

Eric smirks at his answer and his either pleased or smug...or both. I don't know but I have a feeling I'll find out sooner than later. "Got something to prove or are you just picking the weak ones so you'll have something to blame when you lose?"

_Oh for the love of…._

Eric's words to me that morning he apologized to me bounce around my head and I remember when he said he can't help himself sometimes...apparently he wasn't lying.

Four only shrugs but I see his lips twitch a little, pleased he got a rise from Eric. "Something like that." He returns and I feel Tris tense slightly beside me at the implications. "Your turn, Eric."

Eric is still smirking as he announces his next choice. "Kat,"

Four loses his cool for just a second but it's enough for anyone who knows him to see it when he bristles and his lips thin angrily. Then it's gone and he lifts an eyebrow at Eric in a taunting manner. "Did you give yourself an idea and decide to have a scapegoat when you lose again this year?"

Eric doesn't rise to that and just motions his hand towards Four, in 'your turn' gesture.

It doesn't get any better from there. It's like watching a chess match between a couple of toddlers, wondering when one of them is going to flip the hell out and the table at the same time.

They exchange glares and taunts all while making their picks. Some choices I can tell have a pattern to what their game plan might be while others seem to be just to spite each other. Which is just highlighting that chess analogy in my mind, only I get the feeling that pawns in the game (us lowly initiates) are going to be the ones that bare the brunt of any failures that happen in their little power struggle.

When all is said and done the teams are set, for better or worse. Eric picked Chase to go with his team while Four got stuck with Lauren, something he didn't look too happy about. Maybe that's why Zach also went along with Four's team instead of sticking with them?

On my team, from the transfers are Edward, Peter, Molly, Al, Allison, Myra. Out of my friends, Mar is the only one that ended up on the team but there are a few other Dauntless-born that I've come to know through them.

The pattern that Eric went by was fairly clear but I know that he deviated from it by picking me and Mar. Also when Myra was left as the last choice.

Eric was going through strength and power in builds while Four went for more agile builds, probably looking for speed of movement.

"Your team can get off second." Eric nods towards Four.

"Don't do me any favors." Four replies with a knowing smile. "You know I don't need them to win."

_Oh jeez. Please don't fall for that Eric!_

I'm praying Eric sees the obvious attempt Four is making to bait him. One look at Eric tells me that he does, but I have a feeling he's not going to be able to help himself in playing into it.

"No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off," Eric says and takes his bottom lip into his teeth for a moment. "Take your scrawny team and get off first then." He grumbles and I silently groan looking to Chase and Zach who just roll their eyes.

Four's team all jump off in small groups. I watch Tris as she goes and I hate being separated this way in a high tension situation like this it makes me even more anxious. Most of all, I don't like the thought of her on the opposite side of me at all.

We jump after what seems like hours later, staying on the train and taking it to what feels like the other side of the city.

I find out from Chase as he tells me more about the game itself and objectives that there is a specific section of the city proper of Seattle that's used for things like war games, capture the flag and some of the survival exercises Dauntless runs once a year. The boundaries for capture cover a smaller area than what is allowed for members but it still leaves it large enough for this to be a challenge.

The Dauntless members here tonight are allowed to participate a bit but they are here more for protection from any factionless interference and extra eyes to make sure all the initiates stay together. It's really going to be us, the initiates, that are running the show with some guidance from our instructors.

When I asked how often the factionless mess with initiates, I was told it's often enough that they added guards to the group and they make sure that control has eyes on the areas. That left me feeling a bit more anxious that my sister is out there without me.

"You know Four is going to have his team go all out after us, right?" I tell Chase as we are walking after jumping from the train.

He nods in agreement. "He usually does. Eric knows this too, he just lets Four get to him."

I nodded absently while trying to push aside my anxiety and give myself something else to concentrate on. I decide to try and figure out what kind of strategy Four would most likely use but then realize that what I really need to do is think about who he has on his team since they will be the ones that will be making the calls. At least that's what I gathered from what Chase has told me. We are the ones that will have to come up with the strategy we use while Four and Eric as supposed to be advisory at most.

So who could I see stepping up to be a leader with the other team?

The most obvious would be Uri and Lynn, with Lynn being the more likely of the two since she is the most assertive. I don't see any of the transfers with that group trying to take the leader role. I can see Will speaking out and providing strategy.

He's mentioned that while he didn't read all the same kind of books about fighting that Edward did, he had his own preference for war strategy and philosophy. If I recognized the type of team build they have I'm sure he will too. Which means he's going to put forth plan ideas that will play to their strengths.

Speed and stealth.

But those two things won't do them a bit of good if they don't have good information about what they will be headed into. Which means they will need to scout in some way or be able to get information without having to send out scouts.

I think about the rules of the game and the area we've been given to try and determine how they might do that.

First, we are going to be hiding the flag but it has to be put out in an open area and cannot be covered up. There is no height minimum or maximum that it needs to be set at.

Second, the terrain we have been 'dropped' in is at the heart of the city. While the teams can and have moved away from the 'drop points' we still have to stay inside certain boundaries. There is a good mix of multiple story buildings, ruins of collapsed ones and open spaces with various smaller structures around.

If I were them, I would have someone get as high up as they could without giving their position away and serve as a recon and lookout. I wouldn't have the flag with the lookout though. That would be too obvious and take away the ability to do their job.

I'm deep into my thoughts, having done a damn good job of pushing aside the anxiety so that the excitement and anticipation I was feeling at the start is coursing through my blood again as I brainstorm and analyze.

In fact, I'm so out of it that I don't even realize that Eric must have told us we reached the spot he had in mind until someone grabs my arm and literally jerks me back into the present while calling..."Earth to Kat."

I blink and look at Mar frowning at me, then look around and see everyone gathered in a circle around Eric.

"Come on," She says and pulls me with her to join the others, which I do all while blushing.

"Glad you decided to join the group." Eric glances at me and says in a bored manner before looking away and at the group as a whole again.

"As I was saying, it's up to you as a group to come up with a strategy. We cannot help you come up with it but I caution you to take this seriously because we do. What you come up with, if you contribute, how well you do and more importantly if we win will all count to your points and ranking. You've been warned."

His warning and the tone he used to emphasize certain words let us all know that he will be very upset if we (insert  _he_  here) lost tonight.

The group breaks off, people going to the ones they're friends with as they all start having whispered conversations that start to get louder as neighboring groups are listening in and inserting their own thoughts. This starts to turn into arguing between all the groups as ideas are tossed around or dismissed.

Mar still has my arm and we're watching this take place, wondering what the heck anyone thinks this is going to accomplish. Edward catches my look of disgust and moves to join me, bring Myra along with him.

At first, we don't really say anything. He and I just share looks, or chuckles, as some really idiotic ideas come out. But when it turns into outright shouting between two groups that seem to be the loudest I roll my eyes and throw my hands up in frustration.

"You got something to share over there?" Eric growls loudly, silencing everyone as he then moves over to where my group is laughing a little after I said that at this rate Four's likely to win the game before we even realize it started.

Edward, of course, loses his amusement and goes to attention as soon as Eric sidles into view, shaking his head in the negative.

I straighten up as well, and while I'm not cowed like he is, I am also hesitant to present my ideas. I don't know what's stopping me other than not being used to anyone taking me seriously and fearing that what I say is going to be shut down automatically. I don't care so much about others doing this but I do care if Eric and Chase do.

I shake that fear off and decide to anyway. The worst that can happen is it results in the same pointless arguing from before.

"Actually, yeah there is," I announce finally after Eric decided that my silence was all he was going to get and started to turn away with a slight frown that I think might be him being disappointed.

"Really now? Well, I'm all ears." He turns and faces me pretty quickly, a smirk on his face and a gleam in his eyes. I look behind him to see Chase giving me an encouraging smile and nod.

I clear my throat and lift my chin before continuing.

"Four selected his team based on their builds. And I know for a fact that a good few of them are very fast runners. Making his team perfect for stealth. That got me thinking if I had a team that was fast and stealthy what kind of approach would I take to win? What would be my first step? Being fast and stealthy won't mean crap if I don't know what I'm running into. The only way to get good information on an enemies position in our terrain would be to either send a scout team or…"

"To get a high enough line of sight." Edward bursts out with energy and nodding. "A scout team with their numbers wouldn't be as advised but with the height of some of these buildings that gives them much better odds. Which isn't a bad idea for us too."

I nod, smirking at him and can practically feel the excitement on my skin right now, crackling along. "Exactly!" I shout and blush at the force of it but rush on. "It would be good for us to get high to see if we can find them and their flag, but it's just as important to have someone act as a lookout for us by keeping them up high. Most importantly we need to make sure this person isn't the one with the flag. Since we don't have to keep the flag at any specific height we can put it somewhere that's easily defended and with limited ways of approach."

"You're talking about a choke point right? Put the flag someplace that gives us the line of sight advantage with only a few ways in or out." Tank, a Dauntless-born speaks up, rubbing his chin in thought and surprising those around him by even speaking.

He's one of the first Dauntless-born my friends introduced me too. Really, really laid back and to the point that he hardly ever speaks at all. So him speaking up like that was surprising I'm sure but it also did the job that now all the Dauntless-born are looking between me, Edward and Tank with interest.

"That would be perfect." I smile wickedly when I see this and that it's reflected back in several faces around me. "But what would be even better is if we had defenders both on the ground and up high. Two really good shooters with an excellent line of sight with a chokepoint set-up could almost double our firepower just by good placement alone."

"Hell yeah," Tank agrees with a grunt while grinning.

I watch as the wicked grins start to spread like fire around the group. The arguing and jostling for being leader stops as we all start to put in more ideas and plan as a team.


	31. I've Got Your Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night of Capture. Will Eric finally get a win against Four and will it be with Kat by his side? What surprises does the night hold?

**Chapter 30 - I’ve Got Your Six**

 

**_Eric_ **

 

I thought I calculated, planned and accounted for everything regarding tonight. 

 

It’s a highly anticipated night for Dauntless every year. Even during the years that there hasn’t been an initiation we ran war games instead just to keep the faction from feeling like it was missing out. For everyone that doesn’t have to be involved in planning this crap out, it’s nothing but fun and games, for me, it’s always been a logistical nightmare. Not to mention the personal thorn in my side that losing to Four always turns out to be.

So leading up to tonight, I really wasn’t expecting to be excited about it even with the addition of Kat. In fact, I felt a new level of stress when getting everything set up because of her. 

Chase made sure to have control covered so we could have eyes in the sky over the area. 

Zach made sure to get stuff to outfit Kat so that she wouldn’t be too easily picked out as an initiate if one of the factionless did spot and target her, thinking she would be easy pickings.

I made sure that every member that was invited tonight was someone I approved of as being capable. I also arranged that Zach would be splitting off with Four and Lauren while I would have Chase on my team. That way, if for some reason I didn’t get Kat on my team like I planned there was someone we trusted with Four.

Getting her to be as rested as she could be was tricky, but thankfully, turned out to be easily solved in our morning negotiations for her to have dinner at the apartment with us, take a few additional meds to make sure her ribs are all healed up and going right to bed. Which she did with little complaint, even if she looked put out we wouldn’t tell her what was going on. 

At dinner, I felt the first wave of excitement hit me as I tried to imagine her reaction when she finally finds out what we are going to be doing. Every time something new is introduced it’s like seeing it for the first time through her eyes and I love it. 

Sometimes it’s the simplest shit too.

Like Chase bringing lunch that one time. It was just chicken! But she acted like it was the most wonderful thing she had ever eaten in her life. 

Or the time I took her to the roof where we have discs we launch into the air and used for target practice. Her smile and energy were so bright it was like she swallowed the sun, she was beaming.

Sitting next to her at dinner I found myself looking forward to not only her reaction but the actual game, for once. I would even dare to say I was getting a little worked up about it, ready for dinner to be over, for it to be time to get her from the dorm along with the others.

I was ready. Prepared and anticipating _her_ reactions.

Now I’m in the dorm and staring at her as she stays lying in her bed, hair down in waves around her shoulders, propped up in bed as she looks at me with wide and confused eyes. And the serious flaw in my plan becomes glaringly obvious to me when I realize I didn’t plan for how her reactions were going to make _me_ react.

I’m frozen right now wondering how I missed the fact that waking her up would involve seeing her in bed? 

I feel Chase nudge me in my side with whatever it was he used to bang on the pipes with as I hear a few whispers from the group behind us wanting to get the show on the road and new question enters my mind.

Why didn’t I realize that my seeing her like this meant other people would be too? 

Yeah, that needs to stop right now, I decide angrily. I see her sister lying in her bed too and decide to let my anger and frustration out on her.

“Did you go deaf, stiff?” I bark out, sneering at her.

It was a dick move but it worked. 

It gets her and Kat moving, as well as anyone else that wasn’t. They start scrambling and I hear Chase telling the group with us to start heading to the tracks. He then orders Zach and Zeke to take the bags out there for everyone to grab their gear before they get on the train.

I watch in satisfaction as I see Kat starting to put on the clothes Zach dropped off for her while she was asleep. It looks like everyone is close to being done, except for that damn former Candor, Christina. She’s getting dressed at the pace of a snail. My patience snapped when I see she doesn’t seem to be in any hurry.

“Do you require instructions on the simple task of getting dressed, initiate?” I ask snidely while glaring at her and walking closer.

Instead of lighting a fire under her ass and making her scramble to get dressed quickly, she stops and turns to face me. 

Inwardly I curse as soon as I see her expression. 

I knew it was trouble when I realized she’s been hanging around Lauren more often. Out of all the Dauntless involved with training that was the worst one for her to latch onto. She tries to give me one of the looks the older girl is known for. It’s a ridiculous combination of trying to flirt and sneer at the same time that honestly isn’t appealing at all.

I don’t even bother giving her any kind of response, good or bad and let my eyes move away from her dismissively. Which actually seems to work better than if I had responded because she deflates and turns around to get dressed again. 

From the corner of my eye, I catch that Kat’s stopped getting dressed, so I turn my head to look at her. Only to see her glaring at Christina and tensed like she’s seconds from leaping on her and clawing her eyes out. If she actually planned on doing that I’ll never find out. Her sister must have realized something was going so she elbows Kat and frantically whispers for her to get dressed. 

I watch this with a growing smirk and a sense of deep satisfaction when I realize that she was actually jealous of how Christina was looking at me. There’s a part of me that’s a bit offended and upset that she would think I would fall for that horrible and half-hearted attempt at flirting, but a bigger part that is pleased as fuck to see the possessiveness she feels.

I probably would’ve even let her get in a few good hits before pulling her off if she had gone after her.

Kat locks eyes with me and I don’t bother to hide my smirk or look away, even though I probably should.

“You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks. We’re going on another field trip.” 

I turn away and walk out still wearing that smirk, looking forward to tonight that much more.

 

* * *

“You can’t go for her as your first choice.” 

“I know, Chase.”

“Four probably won’t want to draw too much attention to pick her first either.”

“We already talked about this, Chase.” 

“It might be better to make her your second or third choice, but don’t wait…”

“Shut it guys, the initiates are coming out now.” Zach sighs and I give him a grateful look while Chase just grins a little and rubs the back of his neck. 

Still, I can tell he’s not a bit sorry that he’s been going over everything we’ve gone over already in our plan to make sure Kat’s on our team. Honestly, I can’t even blame him.

We settle in and wait for everyone to show up.

When I thought about seeing Kat’s reaction to finding out what we are doing tonight I didn’t expect to see anything before we got on the train. I even said as much to my brothers. While Chase agreed, Zach just smiled a knowing smile and shrugged. 

Now I see why. 

She comes out arm in arm with her sister with the last of the transfers and I see her searching the groups of Dauntless-born for her friends. Then her eyes land where we are standing and the tactical bags full of equipment at our feet. Her eyes lit up and she heads directly for us, pulling her sister behind her. But when Tris doesn’t seem to be able to keep up she lets go of her hand and lunges for the first bag.

Standing beside these tracks and watching her bounce in excitement brings me back to my own initiation and the thrill I felt when I realized what we would be doing. I’ve never fought so hard to not smile and laugh as I do while watching her give a high pitched gleeful shout as she looks in and sees the guns we’ll be using. 

And it just gets better.

“Are we going to be shooting something?” Christina looks up from the bag with her lips curled in disgust and not for the first time I wonder why the hell this girl transferred to Dauntless.

I see the same flash of disgust cross Kat’s face before she gets a wicked gleam in her eyes.

“If there is any justice in the universe we will be. Something…” she pauses and grins wickedly as her eyes lock on and bore into the other girl. “Or _someone._ ” 

Beside me, Chase is chuckling slightly along with me while we watch the two in a little face-off. One that sees Christina looking away but Kat isn’t done getting her point across and she calls to the other girl, gaining her attention again.

“Hey, Christina. Wanna be my huckleberry?” She purrs out in the most deadly, and downright seductive, tone I’ve ever heard from her. 

“I’m not going to last the fucking night,” I mutter without thought.

Chase chokes on laughter.

Kat turned to face us with that fire she just faced the other girl with still blazing in her eyes. I smirk and wink at her before turning away, thinking that my brothers might be right and that I might want to reevaluate my timeline. 

If I make it through the night, that is.

 

* * *

Chase and I listen to the arguing going on around us but keep silent. Even though I want to bang a few heads and tell them to get their shit together, I don’t. The source of the arguing is coming from a couple of the loudmouth Dauntless-borns that have gathered their own little cliques together, trying to put themselves out there as leaders. 

The transfers are silent. Which isn’t unexpected really but there are a few of them that I expected more from.

Fuck it. 

It’s Kat I expected more from if I’m being honest. 

She’s off to the side, still arm in arm with her friend Mar. Peter is lurking near there while not actually being part of the little group she has going on. Edward and his girl joined them a bit ago, but even he isn’t making any moves to step up. He’s another one I expected more from. The only thing they seem to be doing is making quiet comments to each other, laughing or smiling about whatever it is that they’re saying to each other.

All this is doing is pissing me off. 

Between the numbskulls in the Dauntless-born being loud and idiotic with their outrageous suggestions and the other groups' utter lack of interest in making any suggestions, I snap.

“You got something to share over there?” I growled loudly, penetrating all the other noise and silencing them.

Every eye turns to me but I’m zeroed in on Kat’s group as I slowly walked closer. I watch as Edward stiffens to attention and shakes his head in the negative, making me dismiss him with a sneer and focus on Kat.

I saw she stiffened too, going to attention, but she stays silent. 

_Come on, Kitten. I know you have something going on in that beautiful mind of yours._

It seems like the seconds I wait for something from her take forever. When I get nothing I turn away feeling deeply disappointed. 

“Actually, yeah there is.”

_There’s my girl._

“Really now? Well, I’m all ears,” I say after turning back to face her. Probably a little too quickly in my eagerness to hear what she’s come up with.

I see her nervousness and realize that’s why she hadn’t spoken out until now. It’s a reminder that Kat isn’t one to want attention on her. She only steps up to draw it when she’s trying to distract others. Usually to draw it away from her sister and protect her in some way. 

She clears her throat and lifts her chin in determination, looking me square in the eyes and I welcome it if it gives her the strength she needs.

“Four selected his team based on their builds. And I know for a fact that a good few of them are very fast runners. Making his team perfect for stealth. That got me thinking if I had a team that was fast and stealthy, what kind of approach would I take to win? What would be my first step? Being fast and stealthy won’t mean crap if I don’t know what I’m running into. The only way to get good information on an enemies position in our terrain would be either to send a scout team or…”

“To get high enough line of sight.” Edward finally gets enough courage to speak out, interrupting what Kat was saying, to my annoyance. “A scout team with their numbers wouldn’t be as advised but with the height of some of these buildings that gives them much better odds. Which isn’t a bad idea for us too.”

It seems this was exactly what my kitten had been thinking too and any nervousness or hesitancy melts away. Her eyes flashed with intelligence and excitement as her grin widened.

“Exactly!” She gushes loudly. “It would be good for us to get high to see if we can find their flag, but it’s just as important to have someone act as a lookout and keep them up high. Most importantly, we need to make sure this person isn’t the one with the flag. Since we don’t have to keep the flag at any specific height we can put it somewhere that’s easily defended and with limited ways of approach.”

She finishes speaking, looking around at everyone. I can tell she’s wanting the others to speak up now. She doesn’t want to run the show and I’m pretty certain that what she’s really wanting is for everyone to work together by hinting at a simple but very solid plan that can be added to.

“You’re talking about a choke point right? Put the flag someplace that gives us the line of sight advantage with only a few ways in or out.” 

This comes from a Dauntless-born named Tank, who is built exactly like his name suggests. A strong but silent type that hardly ever speaks. He also has a slight reputation of being a gentle giant among his friends but he’s not the kind you want to piss off or make an enemy of. 

“That would be perfect.” Kat agrees with a wicked smile. “But what would be even better is if we had defenders both on the ground and up high. Two really good shooters with an excellent line of sight with a chokepoint set-up could almost double our firepower just by good placement alone.”

“Hell yeah!” Tank agrees with a grin that mirrors ones I see spreading across faces all over the group like wildfire.

All the groups that had separated from the others move back in until it’s just the one group again. They all start to pitch in ideas or refine the ones that have already been put out there.

I don’t need Chase to point out that even though everyone is involved now it seems like the others are looking towards the three that started this out for approval or final say. 

Kat, Edward, and Tank have become the clear leaders of this group and they never even asked for it. Those three don’t know it, none of the initiates know this, but they’ve just been marked as leader candidates if they make it in the top five by the end of initiation.

This is both a blessing and a curse for us. It’s exactly what I want for Kat but it makes her even more at risk than before.

 

* * *

Once the initiates have their plan we move out to find the best place to set up. This is something that we, members and instructors, can help with since we know the area better than they do. 

They wanted a choke point that had only one way to approach but at max two. We ended up finding a set of three buildings and an alley that had only one small off-shot into it as well. They put the flag up on the wall at the very back of the dead-end on the alley then posted a shooter on top of each building. For ground coverage, they used the various remnants of walls, old dumpsters, what looked to be burnt out vehicles and various other objects as cover for our people to hide behind. 

During the planning, it was decided that the larger part of our group would stay as protection of the flag but we couldn’t rely on just a defensive strategy. A smaller group would go and retrieve Four’s flag. This was another area that I could and did have the final say on.

The group as a whole were split between wanting Edward and Kat to lead the group going after Four’s flag or to stay behind and lead the protection of ours. It was a hard decision because they are definitely great shooters, even better than a few of the Dauntless-born. 

The point that won out on them going after the other teams' flag was that they were the ones that came up with the plan and have proven they’re quick thinking on their feet. Something I couldn’t argue with but I did have a quick side argument with Chase on which of the two of us was going with them.

I think we both knew there was no chance in hell I would be letting Kat go out into the city without me but I knew it upset him that he couldn’t go too. One of us needed to stay behind and it fell to him.

“Alright, listen up,” I call after Chase and I hashed the rest of the details out. “My group is heading out now. Kat, Peter, Tank, and Edward you’re all going to be with me. Keep your mouths shut and stay close. It’s not just Four’s group we need to watch out for. Let’s rollout.”

 

* * *

Allison was elected as our scout, along with Blake a member I picked to go with her. Those two climbed into one of the highest buildings we had available, about ten stories, and took up position on the roof. Once they got a visual of the flag they relayed that via Blake’s communicator. 

She caught sight of movement as well as the flag at the old amusement park located on the pier. This was a spot Four used about three years ago. The last time we had Capture with initiates playing. It’s just more evidence in my mind that he influences them more than he admits, but at least this year I have Zach to tell me just how much information he’s feeding them. 

We move silently through the city with me taking the point in a diamond pattern formation. Peter and Tank have the sides with Edward bringing up the rear. Kat’s in the center, something she was unhappy about but accepted after one look from me telling her that wasn’t changing.

There are more open spaces and blind spots that we need to get past than I’m comfortable with. They do a good job in keeping quiet, moving fast and keeping low as we use what buildings there are for cover. It also helps that everyone, besides Peter, have some understanding of the hand signs I throw out at them. I already knew Tank would understand them and I had an idea that Edward would as well. I hoped Kat would and I was pleased to see that she knew a good majority of them and what she didn’t know she picked up the meaning of pretty quickly. 

This helped me to communicate to them quickly and quietly as we made our way to where the flag was spotted but it didn’t stop the tension and worry I felt building in me. There’s something in the air that’s off from the normal energy these games bring to the city. It’s the stillness around us that have the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. 

In my worry for Kat I make a mistake. Thinking that putting more bodies between where an attack might come from and Kat is why I have us break formation with me and Peter on point for the attack as we move in closer. Kat is still in the center with Tank and Edward taking the rear. 

Ahead and behind are covered, but I forget about our sides, and that’s exactly where we’re hit. 

Hard.

It isn’t until I hear people I know are on Four’s team shouting for us to take cover that I realize this attack isn’t part of the game. By the time they give their warning, it’s too late.

I’m hit by something solid from behind that takes both me and Peter out and to the ground. The screaming starts immediately and I realize that it’s Kat who slammed her body into ours, covering us both while she was hit.

It turns my blood to ice as I scramble from under her, desperately wanting to check on her but knowing I can’t until we take out whoever attacked us. I did a quick assessment and saw that Edward and Tank were returning fire that we are still under. Zach and a few other members assigned to Four’s team quickly move past me towards the group that attacked us, that are now retreating fast. They’re all using their sidearms or rifles, not the guns with the neuro-stim darts as ammunition.

A quick visual gives me nothing on who they might be but knowing that Zach and the others are on it, I turn my attention to Kat. I’m almost afraid to look knowing that she got hit and it most likely wasn’t the neuro-stim darts but real ammunition.

I see Peter bent over her and frantically trying to hold her convulsing body. “Eric!” He yells and turns towards me, fear on his face. “Something’s wrong. She stopped screaming but now she ...I don’t know man…” 

He can’t even talk straight right now and one look I know I’m not feeling much better. I make myself stay calm. The only reason I’m able to do it is catching sight of darts in her back and legs. Not bullet holes as I feared. Peter must connect the darts with her seizures and reaches to pull one out but before I can I shove him away from her hard. 

“Back the fuck off. Tell Zach to contact Chase and wrap this shit up.” I snarl my order to him but then think better of it. “Fuck it, just tell him to come back here and I’ll give him my orders directly. You go join the others and wait.”

I don’t even wait for him to follow my orders before I lift Kat and carry her to an enclosure I see not far away. I just need to get her somewhere not so out in the open but I can’t risk taking her too far without trying to figure out what’s wrong with her. Zach has some medic training and I need him to tell me how we should handle this.

I make sure I’m careful as I carry her so that I don’t disturb the darts in her. I want to yank them out right now but I don’t know if that will make it worse. She continues jerking in my arms and even when I get her set down on the ground she’s still doing it. The entire time she doesn’t make one damn sound.

I know enough to check some of her vitals. Her breathing and heartbeat are erratic as hell. Pulling back her eyelids to check her responsiveness only shows me that her eyes are rolled up into the back of her head. Her jaw is clenched so tight I’m surprised it hasn’t shattered.

When I hear rapid footsteps coming our way I raise my sidearm as a precaution even though I’m pretty sure it’s Zach. 

“What the fuck happened?” He pants, out of breath as he slides into place next to us.

“I don’t know, Zach. She’s been like this since we went down. Kat must have seen it coming because she pushed us out of the way and took the hits.” I fight to maintain control and stay rational but it’s hard.

I watch as Zach does his own evaluation and determines it won’t harm her to pull out the darts. From the first one I pull out we know they aren’t the same as we were using tonight. Ten darts filled with some unknown serum all up and down her spine and a few in her legs. The needle that auto-injects the liquid serum to stimulate the nerves in a way that simulates a real gunshot is much shorter than the ones in Kat. These are longer and the serum vial also has more volume to it as well. 

While I pull the darts out, Zach started calling in orders to wrap things up and get everyone back to the compound using the protocols that are already in place for instances like these. Members will team up and take smaller groups of the initiates back by the most direct routes possible. The groups around here can catch the train but my team will have to hike a good way before they can get to a jump point. 

“She’s still not moving or responding, Eric.” Zach points out worriedly when he comes back to us.

He squats down to be able to look her over where I have her in my arms and reaches for her arm to check her pulse. Something I’ve done myself repeatedly as it seems to be the only thing keeping me somewhat calm right now.

All the other groups are well on their way to being back to the compound while Zach and I haven’t wanted to move Kat just yet. We’re going to need to move soon but I haven’t wanted to. Not until I have some idea of what the fuck happened. 

All Chase has been able to get from control was there was no factionless movement in the area and even Zach said the glimpses they had been able to get of the attackers were of people in black. 

“Let’s get her back to the compound.” I finally agree.

It’s when I start to move her, to transfer her to Zach’s arms so I can get up, that she makes the first sound. At first it’s just a soft whimper that soon turns to a louder one full of anguish. 

“Fuck. We need to get her to the clinic…”

“Not a goddamn chance, Zach. We don’t know who attacked us or what they were after and I don’t trust leaving her in anyone else’s hands.” I guess I illustrate what I mean when I immediately take her from his arms into mine.

He sighs and doesn’t comment on that move but I can tell it upset him a bit. Still, he agrees with me if only reluctantly. “Fine. Chase will make sure we’re in the clear in control and I’ll get what I can from the clinic myself but we need to move fast. The longer she goes untreated the worse it could be and we don’t even know what that shit was.”

I know he’s right but I also have an idea of what she might have been hit with. I know better than most the kind of shit Erudite has come up with in the past. If it’s what I’m thinking it is then all the clinic is going to be able to do for her is to hook her up to an IV and run pain meds through it to help with the pain she’s going to be feeling until the serum works its way out of her system. 

We move quickly towards the nearest train jump point and don’t have long to wait for Chase to join us. All of us are on edge right now and it’s showing in the way we bicker over something as simple as getting Kat onto the train. 

Logically, I know I’m going to need to let go of Kat to get her on but I don’t like it. 

Zach and Chase are first on the train and both reach out to take her from my shoulder where I’m running along with her draped over it. Those anguished whimpers she made thirty minutes ago have been the only sounds she’s made but as soon as I start my jog they start again. By the time they have her she’s screaming and writhing in pain and I lose it.

 

**_Kat_ **

 

I’m adrift and awash in pain. It feels like my very veins have been injected with acid or liquid fire. It’s all I can manage to keep breathing through my screams. My entire body seizes up as the fire pumps through me. I don’t know if it’s my body or mind that shuts down first sending me into blissful darkness.

There are bursts of awareness of sorts where I think I might be waking up and can hear voices or something around me but the pain rises up to meet me in those moments and then I’m in darkness again.

I don’t know how many of these I go through before I realize there’s something more important to me than not feeling pain. I try to fight through this pain enough to find out what I need to know. But it’s clouding everything and it’s hard to focus on what is so vital to me. All I seem to manage clearly is one word. Not even a word really. A name.

Eric.

Bursts of clarity and pain collide together some worse than others but they are always accompanied by the name…

“Eric…”

  


**_Eric_ **

  


Kat screaming my name before she convulsed and went silent sent me over the edge. Anger mixed with pain and came out as destruction with nothing to unleash it on. I could only tear at my hair and unleash curses while throwing anything in this fucking car that wasn’t bolted down. 

I only settled when Zach gripped me by the shoulders and shook me until I would listen to him. He got me to follow him back over to where Chase and Kat are. With a look from Zach to Chase, she was transferred over to my arms. I felt her breaths, ragged but there. I felt her heartbeat strong but still too fast for my liking. I heard their words, assuring me her being unconscious is a good thing. That she’s in pain and her mind is helping her shut that out right now.

They don’t understand that her pain is unacceptable to me. This entire situation is unacceptable to me and someone needs to pay for it.

I put my hand behind her head, lifting it to meet mine and press our foreheads together while squeezing my burning eyes shut. 

“I’m going to fucking kill them,” I vow in a taut whisper. I lift my head and look at my brothers. “Whoever did this is dead. I don’t give a shit about answers right now. I just want to watch the life drain from their eyes.”

I don’t need their words of approval or agreement because these are things that are going to happen regardless. But the fact that neither of them hesitates to nod solemnly just further seals our bond with each other and the one we have all formed with the girl in my arms. 

I look back down at Kat with my mind working a little more clearly as I try and put the pieces together of what might have caused her to scream like she did before passing out.

“It was the combination of being jostled when I was carrying her and jogging to get on the train and then when I had to give her to you guys. Every time that she’s made any kind of real sounds have been when her body is being moved. Specifically when her nerves are being stimulated.”

Because of this, I tell them, we can expect a few more of those responses as we get off the train and carry her through the compound.  Now that I know what to expect I can prepare and plan and I lay it all out.

Chase is going to head to control to start the ball rolling on getting reports and any information he can about the attack. While he’s there he’s going to scrub the footage of me and Kat as I take her to the apartment. Zach will help me get her there but then he’s going to head to the clinic and grab the crap we are going to need for Kat and to get one of the darts analyzed so we know for sure what we’re dealing with.

The only sticking point in the plan is the fact that I’m determined to make sure Kat gets pain meds. Zach understands and agrees but points out that when all is said and done we might have to deal with her being upset we gave them to her.

I’ll take my chances and deal with that when the time comes but there’s no way I’m leaving her like this. Something Chase agrees with just as much as me.

Our jump will be coming up soon. We picked a spot that it has to slow down significantly because of the buildings it passes between. This is also where an entrance is located that hardly anyone uses but it suits our needs perfectly to go unnoticed tonight. 

“I’ll be putting the apartment into lockdown so use that code when you come back,” I inform the two of them before we get ready to jump off with me gripping Kat tightly in my arms. 

There are times when I thank fuck that I’m such a paranoid bastard. Because of that particular trait, I have my apartment set up to be able to hold off some of a direct attack should one happen. The door to my apartment is made of reinforced steel. The panel and security system I rigged up has a lockdown mode that the normal master code of the leaders of Dauntless has won’t work on. Even the other doors in my apartment are sturdier than the regular ones. I also have more weapons than the armory stashed in hidden places all over the apartment. 

I had an idea when coming to Dauntless what Jeanine would be gunning for and I also knew that to meet her goals I wasn’t going to be the most popular guy around. Then when I knew we would be tasked with hunting divergents, and according to her data Dauntless was one of the factions full of them in hiding, I knew I needed to make contingency plans and measures to keep me and my brothers safe.

I look at the two of them as we wait for our jump and think of everything we’ve been through together over the years. We didn’t start out as close as we are now. That took time, on my part at least. Now I couldn’t imagine how my life would have gone without them. They truly are my brothers and I would, and have done, much more than just take a bullet for them. There are things that I’ve done as part of our duties, our mission, that I wanted them to have no part of. I didn’t want them to have that stain on them and if I sacrificed part of that humanity to do that, then so be it.

But Kat….

She brings out something in me that is frightening with how intense it is. Those long seconds I thought she was gone nearly crushed me with the weight of despair I felt. I could even say it was worse than when I lost my parents and I’m not sure what that means or how I feel about it.

Her reaction to us jumping from the train is pained whimpers. I carry her bridal style in my arms hoping that securing her against my chest and in my arms would stabilize her enough that she wasn’t moved too much. The reduction in speed of the train made the jump easier for me to keep my balance while carrying her. It seemed to work and she immediately went quiet again after the jump. 

I kept my pace a brisk walk and headed straight to the apartment. Zach only came with us to put the code in for me and open the door. As soon as I was in he shut it behind him and was off to the clinic. I carried her to my room and laid her on my bed as gently as I could on her stomach then moved away to quickly set the lockdown and get everything else I needed to get done before I could tend to her.

It didn’t take me too long and then I was right back beside her thinking hard about my next course of actions. I knew her clothes would need to go so we could get her into something that would allow us to tend to any wounds the darts left and let us have easy access to them. 

But I’m hesitating and I don’t know why. 

I’ve had to remove clothing off people under my command that have been wounded before, both male and female. This shouldn’t be any different but it feels wrong to do this with Kat without her at least somewhat aware of why I’m having to do it. That’s not going to happen so I suck it up, grab some of her clothes from the closet and get to work.

If I wasn’t in such a state I would find it fucking amusing how hard I work to maintain her modesty while I get her changed. I make sure to look for any open wounds on her back and legs and while there are fairly large puncture holes that have already stopped bleeding, there aren’t any open wounds. Besides the puncture holes, the darts have left large circular bruises, dark blue and purple in color all up and down her spine and on the bag of her legs where they hit too. 

I memorize the exact location of them all and promise to make those responsible to pay tenfold for each one she has.

When I have her dressed and position her so that is laying mostly on her side, with pillows helping to brace her back so that there is as little pressure in those areas as possible. She whimpered a few times as I was working. She muttered my name at the end and it finally broke through the calm I established to get through that.

All I can do now is wait but at least I can do it from beside her. I ease myself onto the bed and leaned against the headboard, letting my head fall back against the solid surface and close my eyes. I hear the door being opened but know the only people that can get in are Chase or Zach so I don’t bother getting up or opening my eyes. Not until I heard movement at my bedroom door and turn my head to see Chase looking over at us with pain all over his face as his eyes are locked on Kat laying in my bed.

I’m pretty sure most of that pain is for this situation and that she’s hurt. I also know a good bit of it is seeing her in my bed too.

“This isn’t a situation I would have ever thought we would be in, Chase. But I can’t apologize for how I feel or what I want either.”

“I know and you don’t need to.” He sighs heavily and steps further into the room and moves to a chair I have in a corner of the room to sit down. “Look, it was clear to me from the start there was something between the two of you. But tonight...it was your name she screamed, Eric. And then your reaction…” He shrugs and looks at me with his expression turning serious and dark. “I know how you are though when stuff gets too deep for you and I don’t want that to happen here. Not just for her sake but yours too, brother.” 

I want to argue with him but I can’t. He’s not wrong about how I am and I agree that I hope to hell I don’t fuck things up either. 

“She’s good for you though. Hell, she’s good for all of us. I just need you to know that I would never…”

I waved him away when I saw he was struggling to get the words out. “I know you wouldn’t, man.”

I look away from him and back at Kat wondering what the rest of this night is going to bring. 

He nods his head and sits back in the chair bringing his phone out and sighing again. “I put in the reports and called it into the other leaders. Raze is heading back in to help head up the investigation. Max is going to want to meet in the morning to go over everything over breakfast. We’re going to try and keep things are quiet as possible but you know how it is, there’s already chatter about it.”

“Is there anything else that we’ve been able to find out about this shit?”

“There are some things that happened in both groups, movement that didn’t add up until stuff went down. The group assigned to set up a loose perimeter around our team reported that there was movement near our area. A few of them went to check it out and said that they caught sight of a small group made up of four or five people but they got out of the area fast. One of the guys said that they swear they heard the order to pull out and that ‘the target isn’t there’ before they hauled ass. They thought it was Four’s group scouting for the flag.”

I grit my teeth and close my eyes as I think about that new piece of information along with everything else we know, which isn’t much, but I’m getting a picture. One I don’t like. 

A group scouting only to retreat when they find the target isn’t there. There were no other points of attack other than my group. The chances of any of the initiates being the target are low and Kat was hit but only after she pushed me and Peter out of the way. 

My eyes pop open and I jerked my head back around to look at Kat then Chase. “She knew. Chase, she saw the attack coming and threw herself in front of it to stop it from hitting me. They were fucking after me!”

If I weren’t already sitting on this bed I probably would have gone to my knees with the enormity of her actions hit me. 

“What was in those fucking darts that they used them and not real bullets, Chase?” 

“Well find them and figure out what their goal was, Eric.” Chase declares firmly while scowling.

“The serum in the darts isn’t lethal, usually, but it isn’t pretty either,” Zach answers from the doorway of the bedroom. 

Neither of us noticed him coming into the apartment but he has both of our attention now. He’s looking over at Kat with such pain and worry in his eyes.

“Zach,” I call out his name by way of asking what he means. I know he hears me but he won’t look at me for a minute, not until I demand him to.

“Tell now, Zach.”

He looks up with a nod after a long ragged sigh.

“It’s a serum meant to target the nervous system…”


	32. No Rest For The Weary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat fights against the serum she's given, unaware of what's going on around her. How long will it be before she recovers and what will happen when she's finally able to wake up?

**Chapter 31 - No Rest For The Weary**

** _Kat_ **

I don't wake up. Not really. At least not in the way I normally wake up.

What happens is a slow progression of awareness that I can't make much sense out of because actually thinking feels like trying to swim through dense water. My body feels heavy too. The simple act of my chest rising and falling to breathe feels like it's taking much more effort than normal and trying to open my eyes seems to take centuries.

A growing feeling of panic and disorientation takes over my small ability to think clearly. When the memory of horrible pain and a strange sensation all up and down my back is added in, that panic only increases. I'm not sure if it's actual pain that I'm feeling or just the memory of it. Regardless, it takes over my body and has me whimpering.

"It's okay. I've got you, kitten."

A voice pierces through the panic enough that I can determine the words but not who's talking and no matter how I try I can't get past the pain enough to speak. It bubbles forth in small screams I can't stop.

"Kat? Dammit. Zach! We fell asleep. She needs her meds now."

The voice that broke through now sounds as panicked as I feel inside. Something I feel compelled to try and help whoever it is not to feel. The pain increases and I fight against the darkness that's edging forward. I can hear loud sounds and feel jarring movement near me that takes me that much closer to the edge of darkness.

"You're going to have to hold her still so I can get to the PICC line, Eric."

That name registers for me and I fight against the darkness.

"It'll just take a minute for it to kick in and the pain will go away, Kat. I promise we're going to make it go away, baby."

The words being spoken are garbled. Like I'm hearing them from underwater. Distorted and deeper than normal. Then I feel like I'm drifting again but not in the same way as I was after the attack.

Attack!

There was an attack and I tried to protect Eric and Peter.

It's hard, but I manage to fight that current that wants to pull me under again. And while I can't see who I'm groping and grabbing at as they hold me, I do get a hold of them and croak out words hoping to get my point across.

"Attack...Eric...okay?"

Hands soothe me along with a voice and warmth surrounds and cradles me.

"I'm fine thanks to you, kitten. Just rest and let the medications help. I'll be here when you wake up again."

I couldn't fight anymore even if I wanted too but I don't. For the first time since the darkness first took me I go into it peacefully.

* * *

At least three more times, that I am cognizant of, there is a repeat process of the darkness fades only to be replaced with the pain and each time my fighting and panic is soothed by the same presence and voice as the first time. I do notice that each time the pain is a little less than before and I'm able to pick up on things that I might have missed the previous time.

The last time this occurs, I realize I'm lying in a bed and that I'm not alone. Someone is lying beside me. I can feel the heat of their body against mine. Hear their deep even breathing and the rise and fall of their chest against me. I'm even able to open my eyes enough to make out whose arms I'm in.

Even in the state I'm in my eyes manage to widen a little in shock and a small gasp/moan leaves my mouth when I realize that the person sleeping next to me is Eric. I shift, trying to get a better look at him and around us but that causes pain to shoot through my body. I groan and hurriedly bite my lip to try and stop it so it doesn't wake Eric up. There's rustling coming from near me and I turn my head to see where it's coming from but can't move much without the pain exploding more.

A face comes into view after I muffle another cry and I see Zach's worried eyes. I feel his hand on my arm, pulling it towards him and doing something that I can't see. He gives me an apologetic smile and sighs.

"It should be out of your system soon, Kat. Until then we just need to manage the pain as best we can. I'm sorry. There's no other way, princess."

By the time he gets out his apology, I feel a rush of something through my body and the pain retreats.

I feel like I blink and he's gone then my head is back to looking to where Eric is still beside me but I didn't move my head. Something else turned it and now has my face pressing against warm skin as breath gusts against mine and I feel the press of lips to my forehead.

Something tells me I won't remember this when I really wake up and I fight against it with everything I have. I lose the battle and the darkness creeps back in. There's no more pain but I think I would rather have that as long as I had one more moment like this with Eric.

* * *

The first thing I notice when I wake up is that the bed I'm lying in is way too comfortable to be my bed from the dorm or one in the clinic. The size is another thing I notice. It's much bigger than any bed I've ever been in before. It's like laying in a big cloud.

I notice all of this before I get my eyes fully open.

It takes a while to work them open and seems to take about as long for my mind to fire up as well because if it had been working right from the start I probably would have been more worried about where I'm at especially considering the last thing I remember was the capture game and something going wrong with it.

Trying to remember hurts just as much as trying to move does and a moan tears through me when I try to sit up despite the pain and soreness in my body.

"Easy there, stiff." A voice drawls from somewhere in the room and makes me jerk in surprise.

When I see that it's Peter sitting on a chair on the other side of the room I instinctively pull the covers over me and scowl at him.

"Peter?" I croak in disbelief and eyed him warily. "What are you doing here?" I pause and look around the room frown that looks familiar.

It looks exactly like Eric's apartment but how did I get here and why?

"You don't remember?" He leans forward eyeing me without giving anything away as he does so.

"I…" I stop and shift uncomfortably as images race through my mind and I try to find a clear one. My last clear memory. "The last thing I remember is the capture game. We were going after Four's flag and…"

That's when I remember the attack.

"We were attacked!"

He nods slowly and frowns. "And you pushed me and Eric out of the way."

"Is everyone okay? Was anyone else attacked? What about Eric?"

"No one but you got hurt." He hesitates and narrows his eyes while looking at me as I breathe out in relief. "Why did you do it, stiff?" He asks quietly, almost too quietly for me to have heard but with how silent the room is I'm able to make it out even if I don't understand what he's asking.

"Why did I do what?" I ask through a wince as I try to move into a more comfortable sitting position on the bed.

"Why did you push us out of the way? You had to know you were going to be hit if you did. So why would you do that? It's not like anything about you makes much sense to begin with, but doing that sure as hell doesn't." He scowls the entire time he's talking.

"Do you really not understand why?" I ask him in disbelief.

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't, stiff. There was no good reason for you to put yourself in harm's way for someone you don't even like. I guess I can maybe understand Eric...but me?"

"Peter," I let my head fall back onto the headboard, close my eyes and let out a pained, tired sigh. I don't really have the energy for this but I'm going to try and explain something that should just be common sense.

"I can admit that I don't like you and if you had been on the other team I would have  _totally_  loved to get a shot at you. But it would have still been in the spirit of the game. It wouldn't have been in a hateful way," I pause and frown when I remember my thoughts on nailing any of the Candors' during the game. "Though I guess I can also admit there might have been a little spitefulness in it."

I swear I see him smirk a little at this last statement. He's up out of the chair now, having done that when he decided to raise the question seconds ago, and walks towards the bed but stops just at the end of it without speaking. So I go on trying to explain basic decency, which is apparently confusing to him.

"I may not like you but I don't have to like you to think of you as part of my faction, so in turn, part of my family. Family doesn't always like each other or even get along but you do what you can to protect each other when it comes down to it. I would  _hope_  that if the situation were reversed you would do the same thing. Not because you give a damn about me or anyone that might be in that position but because we are all in the same faction and we need each other. So, I wasn't going to let anyone of my faction go down without at least trying."

"Those could have been real guns with real bullets, Kat." Peter's face is twisted and his voice is bordering on a shout as he faces me and takes a few steps forward. "Did you even think about that before playing the hero? Did you ever think that not everyone is as noble as you are? What the fuck, stiff. Do you even have an  _ounce_  of self-preservation?"

"I'm not suicidal, Peter," I shout back, ignoring the pain as I do so. "Of course I have a sense of self-preservation. But I can't lie and say that when it happened I was doing anything other than following my instincts regardless of if they were real guns or not."

"Fuck." He mutters and turns away and walks to the window.

"Why is it so hard to believe or accept?"

"Why is it so hard to believe? Because you don't know me for shit, Stiff. You might have figured a few things out about me but you don't really know me. How I've had to be because of them."

"I know exactly how it has made you. But you're wrong about it being how you have to be. We all have choices on how we handle the shit that happens in our life, Peter. It can influence and shape us to a certain point...but the rest is all on us."

I don't know if it's my tone in how I say all this, or how I let a little of my own truth, my own past come through during it, but he watches me and seems to be really listening. He also doesn't ask anything else, letting the matter drop.

"How long have I been...how long have I been here?"

"You mean how long have you been in a leader's bed?" His snide tone and the implications of his words has me glaring at him.

"Not that it's any of your business but there is nothing going on with Eric and me in the way that you're implying." I debate trying to deny anything more than just an instructor/initiate relationship but decide that would be pointless because it's obvious I'm in Eric's apartment. Which is not something that would happen if it was completely professional between us. "We're just friends and he has no interest in me that way."

"Whatever," Peter rolls his eyes, sighs, then turns to look out of the window, rubbing the back of his neck. "You two can work that shit out. I guess it'll be interesting to watch though." He turns back and smirks at me.

"You never answered my question. How long have I been out?" I huff out and smooth out the covers without looking at him.

"Almost two days."

_Two days!_

_Two whole days that I've missed of training?_

I pale and start to shake, wondering if I even still have a place in training or did that mean I'm out because I've missed so much time? Deciding I'm not going to let that happen, even if I have to beg, I throw the covers off me and start to get out of bed.

"You can't get up. They didn't say anything about you leaving but I'm pretty sure that would be noped the fuck out of the equation right away."

"I've missed two days of training, Peter. There's no way I'm missing anymore and possibly being cut because of it." I say in a pained pant as I try to scoot off the bed to get out.

"Would you just relax. There hasn't been any training while the leaders and instructors have been trying to figure out what happened."

I stop and look at him in shock. "Really? There hasn't been  _any_  training for two days?"

He shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. "The first day was planned apparently because after Capture they expect everyone to be tired and the games can run past when training would normally start anyway. So, they just don't have it on the schedule the next day. Yesterday they had us all doing cleaning in our dorms and shit. Along with reading the Dauntless manifesto and some other rules and crap like that."

I breathe out a huge sigh of relief that it doesn't seem I've missed anything big but that also means it's even more important I'm there for today. I look at my watch on my wrist and see training won't be starting for at least another two hours. Which gives me enough time to get dressed and make my way down there.

I manage to get out of bed and stand, but immediately hunched over in pain. It took a few seconds but I manage to straighten up a little and to take a step away from the bed.

"Fucking stiff. You are going to be the literal death of me." Peter growls out before stomping over to the dresser where I had been headed myself after spotting what I knew to be a pile of folded clothes belonging to me. Or, that I'm sure is meant for me since Eric always seems to have a supply of them, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

He grabs all of that and stomps into the bathroom. I watch him with a bit of amusement as he comes back out empty-handed and scowling as he looks at me hobbling my way along. He sighs impatiently and takes large steps towards me. Before I can protest snatches me up in his arms and takes me into the bathroom then sets me on my feet.

"If you want to get to the training room before the next century I would suggest you figure out a way to move a little faster. There's no way I'm carrying you there." He gets this look on his face after he says this that makes me think he's actually rethinking that and just might want to try and carry me. Something I have no plans of letting him do.

I scoff at him and shoo him out of the bathroom where I begin the painful process of getting dressed. I debate taking a shower before quickly deciding I don't think I can handle it. I can barely lift my arms to pull my shirt over my head. For a second, I stop, panting and wondering how I'm going to be able to pull this off. I'm hurting but if I can just get some of the pain under control then I might be able to. Luckily I know exactly where Eric keeps his medications and quickly open the cabinet to pull out a few I know will be safe for me.

I take those and wash them down with water from the faucet then get back to getting dressed. Before I pull on a new shirt I find the ointment that I've been practically drowning in over the last few weeks and rub it into some of the really sore spots that I can reach. There are some on my back that I can't get to completely but I try as best as I can. Once I have that done I can finish getting dressed and braid my hair.

There aren't many thoughts going through my mind at first because the pain is enough that it takes all of my focus just to be able to move and dress. But when it finally does subside enough questions and observations start to come up. None of them complete enough to hold my focus. I try to remember the time from when I saw the men coming at us our left until now but come up empty other than some general feelings.

By the time I've gotten dressed in everything besides my shoes, I give up on trying to remember and hope that someone will fill me in on the details. I find my boots out in my room and pull those on, hoping that whatever we're doing today doesn't require me to be in my workout clothes since that's not what was in that pile.

I stand up a bit shakily, but the more I move, the more my muscles loosen up. Although, every once in awhile I get these shooting bouts of pain that feel like my body is being electrocuted while sandpaper is being rubbed over my skin at the same time. The first few times I was hit by that it almost took me to my knees.

I find Peter sitting on the couch looking deep in thought once I walked out of the bedroom. I go directly to the door without saying anything to him and he pops up immediately after he realizes I'm leaving.

We walk in silence with him close beside me. It feels like I'm crawling instead of walking but a few glances at my watch here and there show me that I'm making pretty good time.

"So, I guess I should probably warn you," Peter says uncomfortably after clearing his throat. "Even though Zach told me that they're keeping your condition and where you've been a secret, they weren't able to keep what happened quiet. There are some pretty wild rumors going around about what all went down but they all involve you in some way. Mostly they're about you saving one of us, if not the entire group."

I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face him. "Please tell me you're joking." I plead in a strained whisper.

"Nope," Peter replies with a casual shrug but I can see the apprehension in his eyes. "Wanna go back to the apartment now?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Was any of that true or were you just trying to get me to go back?"

"It's all true and I'm  _definitely_  trying to get you to go back."

"Well, I don't have the code but I wouldn't go back anyway. I have to face it at some point. Might as well get over with."

"Like I said, stiff. You're going to be the literal fucking death of me." He mutters but stays by my side as I continue walking on.

The first sign that Peter was telling the truth was the looks I got as I passed the few people I encountered in the hallways as I made my way to the Pit. The second sign was when I got to the Pit and started to cross towards the dining hall. There are already groups of people either heading to breakfast or just leaving it that started whispering as I approached. The whispering quickly turned to loud shouts of greeting to me which brought more attention and before I knew it, there was actual cheering and clapping mixed in with everything.

I duck into the dining hall as quickly as I can, face red with embarrassment and a good bit of concern over what could possibly be being said to get that type of reaction from those people.

If I thought I would get away from all that once I got to the dining hall I'm sadly mistaken. The chatter and noise came to a stop and all heads turned in my direction for a few seconds before the cheering and shouts explode in there too. I stand frozen, unsure what to do and if I can duck back out again.

Then I'm hit by four cannonballs and go to the ground, groaning and in a tangle with my friends and sister. I want to yell out at the pain jolting through me but the look in their eyes has me holding it back.

To hell with the pain, it's worth it to let them have this.


	33. Never Underestimate A Stiff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From dealing with keeping Kat safe, handling the aftermath of the serum she was hit with and dodging her sister's demands to see her; Eric has his hands full. Can he keep her away from everyone without questions being raised and will the three men find any answers to why this happened at all or who did it?

**Chapter 32- Never Underestimate A Stiff**

 

** _Eric_ **

 

I have to leave Kat for an early breakfast meeting with the other leaders and officers to be debriefed on the events during Capture. It’s been less than seven hours since we got back to the compound and I know that nothing is going to have been discovered yet. So, I try to get by with sending Chase instead and staying behind. 

Max isn’t having it. He calls me personally, demanding to know where my initiate is, her status, and then states he expects those answers to be given to him in person during the meeting.

Zach isn’t needed for this so he’s able to stay behind and keep watch over Kat and give her the medications she needs every few hours. I don’t like leaving her but I know my brother has it under control and Kat is being kept heavily sedated right now anyway. 

The meeting was short and tension-filled. Raze was there looking even more menacing than usual and had very little to say but what he did wasn’t good. He wasn’t happy about the situation and would be heading up the team with me and Chase to investigate further. 

We knew I would need to provide a report of the events from my perspective. We also knew they would want to know any information Kat might have as well as her status. The problem we had when figuring out what we could tell them is that we don’t know how the serum is going to affect Kat. There has been data that Divergents are resistant to serums in some form or fashion but it doesn’t make them immune. Her current condition is proof enough of that. From what we’ve been able to find out about the minimum exposure to the serum for the average person, it can take up to two weeks for the person's nervous system to right itself with many of those having long-lasting effects that have to be managed by medications. Kat was struck by ten of those damn things and because I made the decision to wait for Zach before removing them, she was exposed to full doses from at least seven of those darts. 

I decided to take a page out of Kat’s book and answer with the truth, just not all of the truth.

“At this time the initiate is unable to be questioned. In her effort to prevent anyone from getting hit she was struck ten times in the back and legs. We have been able to determine they were using a combination of regular neuro-stim darts and ones with a special serum meant to target the nervous system. Of those ten darts, she was hit with two of this unknown serum in the back of her leg. The contact was brief and they weren’t very deep but it was enough to leave her unable to remain conscious. As of right now, she’s being given a series of neutralizing serums as well as being heavily sedated until such a time when she can be roused without severe pain. We currently don’t have an estimated time of when that will be.”

This seemed to appease them for now but I could see Four watching me closely, scowling the entire time. I’m surprised when he doesn’t say anything. I would be thankful for his silence if it didn’t put me on edge even more than I already am. 

“Moving on,” Max brusquely follows up after my report. “ I want security ramped up and checks done on all points of entry into the compound. Chase, I want you to take point on this. Four, I want the initiates limited to either their dorm or the dining hall for the next two days while this is being done. You and Lauren are to do headcounts at lights out. We need to decide what to do with the initiates for the next week. Today was scheduled as a late start day with weapons practice but we’re going to cancel that and just make it a complete rest day.” He pauses and looks around making sure his orders are received and nods. “Good. Now anyone have ideas for what we should have them doing?”

The rest of the breakfast meeting is short and to the point, as we establish the changes to training. As soon as we get the unofficial dismissal I leave, not even bothering to stick around and eat. 

 

* * *

 

When I get back to the apartment I see how haggard Zach is looking and decide to let him be the first to get some sleep and take over for him. We’ve already given her the neutralizing serum that should help to rid her body of any serums currently in her bloodstream. The hope is that this will stop any more damage from being done. Now we just have to keep up with her doses of sedatives and pain medications which are supposed to be administered every four to six hours. We’ve found that Kat has been needing them before then. Zach isn’t sure why she’s rousing when the dosage should have her knocked out completely. We aren’t sure if it’s because the pain gets too severe or her divergence based resistance burns through the drugs faster.  Either way, we’ve set an alarm to check on her and give her a dose every two and a half hours. 

Zach crashes out on the couch in seconds after he goes through a rundown on what she’s been given so far with an order for me to wake him up the second she starts to stir so he can give her what she needs then, since he’s still trying to figure out the right combination and dosage for her. 

It seems luck was on my side leaving the meeting early because I got out of there just before Kat’s sister and friends cornered Four in control trying to find out more information about her condition and wanting to see her. Chase messaged me a play by play that I read from Kat’s side with a grin on my face. I try to catch up on some paperwork while I’m watching over her but the lack of sleep in being spread out beside her on the bed ends up getting to me. 

 

* * *

  
For the next two days, it’s mainly me and Zach here with Kat while Chase works on the investigation along with trying to help keep the initiates occupied. I have to leave a few times to pick up more supplies for Kat or meet up with one person or another. 

I get very little sleep during this time. Not after that first time I fell asleep beside her and how I woke up. 

Somehow during my sleep, I shifted myself and Kat enough for her to be in my arms. What worried me was that she woke up trying to hold in her screams and I didn’t notice enough to wake up until she couldn’t hold them in anymore. It worried me as she fought against the meds Zach hurriedly got into her until she got out a broken question, asking if I was okay. It left me feeling in awe of how much strength of will she had to fight and that she did it just to check on me. 

It also disturbed me that she seems to be so willing to let herself hurt or be hurt like she is, even if it was for me. What sleep I do get was filled with nightmares of everything that could have happened and what might still happen to her.

 

* * *

  
Me, Chase and Zach sit at the table used by the leaders and high ranking officers on the upper level of the dining hall. None of us are happy we’re all being called away to meet with the others and it probably shows. I’m extremely pissed after this morning's calls from Max when he demanded our presence. Not only that but his demands about access to Kat after her sister and friends stormed up to the leaders' offices, for the second day in a row, demanding to see Kat have me on edge. It was stopped only by reminding him that she is still unable to be questioned and letting anyone near her until we can do that would be a bad idea. He agreed, grudgingly, to leave her where she is for now but I have a feeling he’s going to order her moved if she isn’t awake by tomorrow. 

My attitude isn’t helped one bit by my worry that we had to leave Kat (basically) unattended back at the apartment. Despite Zach’s reassurance that Peter Hayes has been properly motivated by my threats along with his ass being saved by Kat as well that night, I still don’t like the thought of him alone with her. But we needed someone that could watch over her until we get back and none of us felt comfortable bringing in anyone else. 

I grip my cup of coffee a little hard in frustration as I listen to the talk going on around the table about other issues besides initiation or the attack. Raze speaks up from one side of me, informing us he’s gotten a request from Candor to up patrols in their area. No reason was given for the request and it’s being debated if we can swing it. 

Of all the leaders, Raze is the one the three of us are leaning towards approaching to help stop what’s one the horizon. He and Victoria are being left out of the loop for whatever reason. The only other leaders that are aware of Erudite’s true intentions are me, James and Max. He is Dauntless through and through and while we don’t socialize outside of work, we have had a fairly good working relationship since I got in leadership. He gives me a hard time every now and again about my methods but generally, he doesn’t bother me and I don’t bother him. His focus seems to have always been the safety of the city and doing or jobs the best way we can get them done. 

James is a power-hungry asshole that’s too lazy to do any real work to get that power himself and I wouldn’t trust him for shit on a good day. I didn’t before Kat came along but I for damn sure wouldn’t now. 

Victoria has only been one of the main leaders for only six years, even though she is older than I am and had been in leadership longer than I had. She stayed a junior leader forever before finally earning a spot as one of the five. Honestly, I don’t even know what she did exactly to earn that spot. That was between her and Max and I think that mainly she doesn’t give a shit about anything that doesn’t concern her department here in Dauntless. This is why I think she’s been left out. Because no one thinks she will care one way or the other as long as at the end of the day she gets what she wants for her division and is left alone to run it. 

Max. I’m still torn about Max. Most times he’s reluctant as hell to give in to even the smallest of requests (demands) from Erudite. He told me flat out when giving me leadership he was tempted to not even offer it to me for the simple fact that Jeanine seemed to be pushing so hard for me to have the position. I don’t get what is in this for him. Power isn’t his end goal, that much I know for a fact, but why had he been willing to get into bed as deep with Erudite in the first place if he hates the idea so much? Because I can’t begin to guess his motivations I’m the wariest about him.

Max gives a nod over his coffee when he agrees to hold off on the request from Candor until we can get more specifics. “Alright moving on. We have some new intel that Control has been able to put together from vid feeds the night of the attack.”

This catches my attention and I look first at Chase who is frowning and gives a small shake of his head, telling me he wasn’t aware of this. I look over to see Four had been glaring in our direction until Zeke elbowed him and gave him a warning look.

“And what, pray tell, have they found?” I sneer at Four and coldly drawl out.

It’s not Four or Zeke who answers, but Max. The strain on his face and anger in his tone is enough to cool any animosity I’m set on tossing my enemies way. 

“We thought that this might be a move coming from inside Dauntless but have since found out that it was a move made by the factionless instead. One of the patrol bunkers over in Amity was raided a few months back. Nothing substantial was taken other than some of the clothes, so the report for it wasn’t given priority. Between that and the new vid feed that has been found, we’ve been able to piece together a few more details. One of the still images was able to capture the guns they used. They aren’t the standard issue and have probably been modified or are an entirely new creation like the darts they used. They were also able to determine that there were two teams of five people that split up and were hanging around the general area your two teams were located. The newest feed shows the attack itself, or at least some parts of it.”

The looks me and the others exchange is so brief I’m sure no one else noticed but it was enough for us to establish Chase would take over from here in his role as head of control. “What does the latest footage we were able to pull show?”

This time Four does answer Chase's direct order and question. “The two teams meet up. The one lying in wait near where my group set up stayed put and were joined by the others that left where your group was. It looks like they timed their attack to start right when we spotted your advancing group and attacked when they started to engage you. They struck from the rear and the side. Edward, Tank, and Kat all spotted one group and were engaged with them. We can’t make it out exactly, but it looks like Kat didn’t spot the other group until they were pretty close. She might have gotten off several shots before she was put down but if she did we don't see it.” He stops for just a second and is looking down into the dining hall at something before he looks back to the group at the table. “The footage is pretty spotty and it only gets worse during the attacks. We were able to catch her throwing herself forward in an effort to push Coutler and Hayes out of the way. There isn’t a clear image of her actually being hit, just her going down and not getting back up. The feed gets extremely grainy halfway through the encounter but by the time she goes down its mostly snow with scattered clear images.”

Four’s hands are clenched as tight as his jaw. One of his tells that he’s not saying something. It could just be him holding himself back from making a comment to me about this being all my fault, but something is telling me it’s about what was actually on that vid feed. I know what he was likely to see if the footage wasn’t crap. I just don’t know why he would be keeping it to himself. I can see him doing something to protect Kat if he felt she needed it. It sure as fuck wouldn’t be to protect me. My mind is spinning wondering what all his reasons are for doing it in the first place and everything he could have seen.

Max turns to me expectantly and I know it’s my turn to provide those answers he’s been waiting on. “As I informed you earlier, the initiate was hit several times by a combination of the regular and modified darts. We were able to determine that the modified ones lodged into the muscle of her calf and thigh on one leg but were shallow hits. She did have several of the regular darts that were in much deeper up and down her spine. The combination of the two and where those darts stuck in her nerve center caused enough pain for her to go into seizures of a sort. I was able to confirm that it will take time for the serum to work it’s way out of her system even with the help of the neutralizer and she will be in considerable pain for at least 72 hours. It was recommended that she be kept under sedation, pain medications, and muscle relaxants during this time.”

Max nods thoughtfully while looking at the report in front of him. “How many times in total was she hit again?”

“Ten sir,” Zach speaks up instead of me when he sees my hesitance and knows I’m having trouble with the memory of that night and her condition because of it. 

“I wasn’t sure if the initial report was correct but I can safely say that even if she would have only been struck once, the fact that she acted at all and so quickly is commendable. Especially considering the reports I’ve received regarding incidents with at least one of the people that would have been hit had she not done was she did. ” He mumbles this last with a slight smirk and never looks up. It’s enough to get my attention before he moves on quickly. “Continue trying to identify the attackers. I’m authorizing two teams to be put together to begin bringing in and questioning the factionless regarding this attack and the weapons they used. I want this done quickly and quietly. News of the attack and the actions of our initiate have already made the rounds and I’m not sure where that leak came from but that isn’t too worrying at the moment. The investigation and everything from here on I want a tight lid on.” 

“Sir,” Four addresses Max after the agreement had been given to his orders. “About the initiate and her current condition. If she is unable to participate for the day now that we are putting them back on training…”

Max waves away the question in a casual manner and gives a quiet scoff. “I think under the circumstances missing one day of training can be overlooked. Fights won’t resume until tomorrow. I daresay that she’s demonstrated enough skill on the activity that they’re scheduled for today.” Again with the smirk but this time Max is looking right at me as he says this in a sly manner and a taunting eyebrow lift.

I wisely keep my mouth shut but respond by raising my eyebrow right back at him and giving a casual shrug that could mean I don’t really give a crap. Inside I’m elated that he’s giving her a pass for today. I’m not exactly ecstatic that he’s using her drunken showing off of her knife skills instead. But considering his comments of approval that night I’ll take what I can get. 

Four looks relieved at this news too and nods at Max. “If that is all sir, I’m going to see to the days preparation.” Max gives him a nod of dismissal at this. Four stands but hesitates to move away from the table and looks at me. “You never said, but when can I expect to have my initiate back and when can her friends and sister see her?”

I don’t lose it like I want to at the use of ‘ _my_ initiate’ or the slightly possessive gleam in his eyes when he said it. I want to rail and curse him. To wrap my hands around his throat and cut off all air until his those goddamn eyes bulge out and burst, never to have that look in them again where Kat is concerned. 

I don’t lose it. But it’s close. Instead, my eyes are ice as I stare him down and I keep my tone soft.

“You can expect her when she is brought back to the group and you can tell them that she is recovering and being seen to but until we speak to her and get her statements she needs to be kept under lock and key.”

“And she has no moments of being awake when she could answer questions so that at least her sister can see her?” He grinds out.

I tilt my head as I look at him and smirk even if I am feeling anything but amused right now. “I never thought you of all people would be up for torture, Four. Yes, of course, there are moments she could be considered lucid, or what might pass for it. That is until the pain hits from the lack of medications and then you’d barely be able to get anything from her besides her screams. If you would like I can order that done and the next time she comes to, screaming and writhing in pain, you are more than welcome to try and get anything from her then. I’m sure she will understand that you just needed to make sure of her well being and will forgive you for putting her through that.”

The normally dusky complexion of his skin pales and his eyes widened just slightly at my words before he quickly recovers and shakes his head while glaring at me. “You’ve made your point, Eric.” Without another word, he spins away and storms away.

My smirk is still in place as I watch him leave, feeling like I’ve just won a major victory against Four. That smirk drops as I then watch Kat’s sister storm into the dining hall just as he’s leaving. She has that look I’ve come to know so well from Kat. When she’s determined and fired up. This is usually seconds before she strikes in some kind of attack either; verbal or physical. Whatever she’s saying to Four has him bristling in anger then leaning in to whisper to her. It looks menacing, the way he’s talking to her and trying to intimidate her to do whatever it is he’s telling Tris. All she does is scowl at him, pushes him to the side and then storms further into the room.

I’ve never cursed how well I can see everything happening on the lower level as I do right now because as clear a view it gives us leaders, it’s now giving this tiny girl a clear view up here too. Her eyes zero in on the table ...and me.

_Fuck. My. Life. This is all I need right now._

Chase is muttering worriedly beside me while Max actually groans as we watch her make her way to the stairs and up them in record time.

“I want to see my sister,” The words are out of her mouth before she is even halfway to the table. “You can’t keep her from me. The very least you can do…”

All it took was one look around the table at the faces of the other leaders to have me popping up and meeting her before she can complete that sentence. 

“I would watch your tone, initiate.” I grind out loudly for everyone to hear me as I grab her arm and dragged her towards the stairs. I don’t let go until I have her down them and on the lower level to the side where we can speak with a little more privacy. I cross my arms over my chest and take a few seconds to compose myself, trying to override every instinct I have on how to handle anyone who dares to question me. 

I remind myself that this is the sister of the woman I’m in ...Well, that I care for anyway. Tris is just as concerned as I’ve been this entire time, maybe even more since I’ve at least been able to be with her while she hasn’t.

“While I can admire your spirit, protectiveness, and just outright _balls_ to be demanding _anything_ of your leaders, I’m cautioning you to take care of how you speak here. This isn’t my benefit but you and your sister’s sake.” I manage to keep my tone even while impressing this on her firmly. 

The fear I saw flash in her eyes when I grabbed her arm has been slowly ebbing as they widen in surprise. She still hadn’t lost the fire in her eyes even with that fear. This close up I notice that she takes after her father in that her hazel eyes have more blue in them than the green in Kat’s.

“I still don’t understand why I can’t be allowed to be with Kat. I would never do anything to my sister…”

“This isn’t about you, Tris.” I hissed angrily, my tone and use of her name taking her by surprise and shutting her up. I mentally growl at my lapse of control and force myself to go back to an emotionless tone. “You might not do anything to hurt her but that doesn’t mean others will feel the same way and they could possibly use your connection to get to her. That’s exactly why there is a procedure in place to protect the location of important witnesses. Her location is known to only those who are authorized to know and it will stay that way.”

Her lips thin and I can tell that she isn’t taking this well. It’s making her more suspicious of me. I can’t help that and I’m not giving in either but I can provide her a little more information that will hopefully help her worry and stop her from doing something stupid again. 

“It’s not comprising her security to tell you that she _is_ doing much better than she could be and how she was just after the attack. Max has authorized her to be excused from training for the day today. I expect her to be back at least by tomorrow.”

There is complete silence as I watch her looking over my shoulder at something. I turn my head and see Lynn standing behind me and looking like she had been in the middle of making a gesture of some kind. I’m guessing it was her telling Tris to cut it out or cool it. 

Smart girl.

When Lynn sees me looking back at her there is a look she gives me that almost makes me think she’s trying to apologize for Kat’s sister’s behavior before she turns and moves further away. 

I hear Tris sigh and turn back to look at her and she starts talking still with a hint of hostility that turns to a plea. “Thank you for informing about my sister, Sir. But if there is any way I can...or if she does wake up sooner, can I please be allowed to see her?”

“I’ll see what I can do, initiate,” I grumble and stalk back up the stairs and to the table, completely over this mess and how it’s making me feel when I felt myself soften a little for a second.

* * *

 

Before the meeting wraps up and everyone can take off, Max motions me with his head to join him at the end of the table. The others take the hint and give us some space. Even with that space and privacy, he leans in closer to me. 

“I wanted to get your thoughts on the Prior girls. Would it be fair to say that they are showing true potential?” I can tell that even though he’s asking me, he already has his own thoughts about the matter.

“It’s unexpected, but they do both show potential as soldiers of Dauntless,” I reply after giving a small nod. 

He mimics that gesture as his lips thin in thought and he lifts his cup of coffee to take a drink before lowering it and continuing. “Considering the events of capture it would seem that Kat shows the most potential. However, I was given notice that before the attack Tris provided the strategy her team picked to go with.” I nod in acknowledgment, still not sure where he’s going with this and not wanting to say anything more until I do. “Eric, I’ve made it clear from the start to Jeanine and everyone else that Dauntless will never hand over anyone without it being confirmed, with proof positive, they are divergent and a threat. I will continue to stand by that no matter anyone’s insistence otherwise. I know you have the training and are able to spot tendencies early on. Jeanine is adamant she be handed those girls no matter what. I want you to tell me honestly if you believe either of those initiates to be threats?”

My mind is racing as fast as my heart and I measure my response carefully. I’m thankful that his question wasn’t asking if I think they are divergent because now I can answer truthfully. 

“The first stage is never a clear cut indicator but there can be hints to be seen from time to time and I haven’t seen any of those yet. But from what I _have_ seen and experienced with either girl I do not detect a threat, Sir. ”

I knew if I outright denied any threat or possibility of a threat I was asking for trouble. My general paranoia and suspicions of everyone are too well known. In the past, I would have been reluctant to rule anyone out until at least the end of the second stage and sometimes even insisted they still be kept on a watch list right up until the final test. 

Max grunts and nods while he strokes his chin in thought, his nails scratching through the neatly groomed goatee peppered with gray hairs. “We’ll just have to maintain a close watch on them then. And I don’t mean just for them being a threat but any threats to them as well, Eric. I know we’ve had our tension in the past about the fact that you came from Erudite, but I think you’ve more than proved your loyalty is to Dauntless over the years. While Erudite is an ally, I don’t trust them.”

I tilt my head and narrow my eyes. This is a new development I didn’t expect but hope I can use it to my advantage, if it’s true, that is. Max has never stated his distrust of Erudite openly, certainly not to me. I’ve been sure he’s seen me more as an Erudite pretending to be a Dauntless than anything else. What’s made him openly state his feelings about either matter now?

“I would say that’s prudent, Sir. I am curious though. What is prompting your concern for their safety within Dauntless? Other than the usual concerns found in the compound, I mean. For that matter,” I pause and wonder if I’m about to push him too far with this last question, “what is prompting your doubts?”

Honestly, I don’t expect him to answer me and I think that’s what's going to happen as he stares me directly me in my eyes for several seconds. 

“Amar Salazar and George Wu,” He replies finally, surprising me by answering in the first place and by the forceful angry tone he spits those two names out.

“They were both found in the Chasm, suspected suicides,” I reply blandly, ignoring the pain the memory of one of those men brings to me.

He nods slowly. “George was before your time but just like Amar, there was no way he took his own life. It’s no coincidence that both of them were on Erudite’s list and even when we were given no proof they were divergent it was still demanded they be turned over. Which we refused to do. Eric, something happened and it wasn’t by Dauntless order or authorization. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that it could happen again unless we ensure it doesn’t. Jeanine’s getting desperate and I don’t like it. So, for now, we make sure that no one, especially those two, are handed over until we know more.”

I don’t bother to hide my anger right now. The thought of something like that happening to Kat is untenable. I let him believe my anger is in regards to being superseded by Erudite. “Then we will do exactly that. I will...personally...make sure of it.”

A brief smirk tilts his lips at my reply. “I’m sure you will at that, Eric.”

I don’t get a chance to finally ask what all his small smirks and remarks are about because of the uproar I hear coming from the Pit. While I can’t see what’s going on out there I can clearly hear, along with everyone else, the loud cheering, shouting, clapping and stomping. All heads are turned towards the entrance to the dining hall, silence having descended in the room. Then two figures enter the door side by side.

One has my heart-stopping while the other gets it pumping again angrily.

Kat is standing there with a sheepish looking Peter Hayes at her side. His eyes are frantically searching until they land on me and he winces at what he sees, knowing he’s in for it for allowing this to happen when I entrusted him with specific instructions. He gave me a shrug and looks at her pointedly as if to say he didn’t have a choice in the matter. I dismiss him with a sneer and look back at Kat who's looking pale but beautiful even with the tightness around her eyes that lets me know she’s hurting right now. 

All of this takes place in the seconds before Max voices his own astonishment out loud. “Well, will you look at that. I thought you said she couldn’t move for at least another day?”

I sigh loudly in frustration before I can stop it. “Apparently, I was wrong on both the time estimate and her stubbornness.”

The dining hall erupts into the same cacophony as the Pit as the others catch up on what they are seeing. Different stories have been circulated about what happened during capture the only thing that is the same, and that matters, is Kat acted without hesitation and for that she’s being celebrated.

I watch as she blushes and looks like she might be about to turn and head back out of the dining hall only to lose sight of her completely when four people have just launched themselves at her and they all go to the ground. I bolt up with a scowl only to feel a hand firmly grab shoulder, stopping me. I start to snarl back at whoever it is that dares to keep me from her only to come face to face with Max.

“I believe Chase and Zach have it covered.” Despite my lapse in respect for that second, he doesn’t seem upset. But he isn’t letting me go either. He motions with his head for me to look and check it out for myself.

Which I do to find that my brothers must have got moving as soon as they saw her enter the door while I sat rooted in place. They are already over there and reaching down to the group on the ground wearing fierce scowls as they pick her friends up and almost toss them away in their effort to get to Kat. When they have the last one off of her, Chase reaches down to Kat and lifts her to her feet still scowling until she comes up laughing. Then that scowl melts and he joins her by shaking his head ruefully and smiling at her.

“I’ve come to the realization over the years that one should never underestimate a stiff. And she's of particularly strong stock.” Max says with a sigh and shakes his head. “Careful, Eric.” He mutters very pointedly while looking at me then lets go of my shoulder. “Go see to your initiates. Remember we still need to get her statement, so a trip to your office is in order before she goes to training today.”

I nod tersely in reply and take one step forward before he calls my name and stops me. “I also expect her to return to her own bed for the night.”

His orders (and implications) are clear. With a tight nod, I head right for where Chase is keeping Kat, knowing I would be on my way towards her as soon as Max released me. I passed several people that make their displeasure known for where I’m heading ranging from ‘ _leave her alone_ ’ to things like ‘ _you’re lucky she saved your sorry ass, I wouldn’t have_ ’ and various other insults tossed into the mix. No one is ever bold enough to clearly say them or be obvious enough for me to pick up who it’s coming from but I hear them all the same.

I take a deep breath and steel myself as I get closer to her while I let my eyes move over and do an evaluation of her condition. I can’t help but see her shifting stiffly and slowly. As if every movement is an act of will and requiring great effort. 

“Initiate, I would have thought it would be clear you were to stay put until told otherwise.” I grind out loudly enough for everyone to hear and not hiding my displeasure at her being here.

She at least has the grace to look contrite while she nods at my words. “I’m sorry, Sir.” She replies respectfully and I notice she’s letting the words carry, almost purposely. “I can only say that I was out of it and the only real clear thought was that I couldn’t miss any more than I have. I know the stance on missing out on any of the training and I don’t expect to be given an exception.” 

I know what she’s doing and it pisses me off. I start to growl this out to her but Chase stops me by clearing his throat.

“Be that as it may, you are going to need to come with me. There are questions we need you to answer now that you are awake.” I put my hand on her arm and try to be as gentle as I can while offering support if she needs it. 

I see most of her friends scowl at me, while Lynn looks between me and Kat with an expression of knowing, making me wonder what she might have told her and if it’s just her she’s said anything to. Judging by the angry scowl of Uriah or the worry and fear from Mar, I don’t think she has said anything to those two about is in any fashion.

“I’m going with her...please...sir.” Tris spits out the demand, pauses, and tones it down by adding more respect at the end. I knew it would be a slim chance getting away without Tris saying something and I was right.

I shake my head tightly in the negative and ignore her instant glare. “Not for the questioning.”

“Fine then. I’ll wait outside wherever you take her until you’re done. I promise I won’t leave you alone again, Kat.”

Kat smiles at her, pulling away from me with a look to wrap her arms around her sister and whispers something to her before pulling away. “I promise.” She says reassuring her of whatever was said. She looks at her friends and nods as to them as well. “I’m going to be at lunch right after training with the others today.”

“Kat…” They all start to object at once.

“Enough!” I bark out and pull Kat back towards me. “Let’s go.” The words come out after I’ve already started moving us towards the door with Zach and Chase bringing up the rear and ending the conversation with finality.

* * *

  
I know Kat’s going to insist on attending training today and I don’t know if it will look bad if I fight her on that. On one hand, the activity today is one that she’s rather good at and out of anything is the least likely to hurt her any further. On the other hand, I feel if she doesn’t need to be there then she should take the day to recover and not push herself. I’ve been working to contain my frustration as I go back and forth, arguing with myself the entire walk to my office. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own thing that I hardly notice that Kat’s expression got angrier as we moved from the dining hall and through the Pit. When I finally do notice it’s because I hear her muttering. I turn my head and strain to hear what she’s saying at catch a bit of it.

“Let him rot, my ass, you Eraserhead looking dickhole.”

It takes a second for me to figure out what and who the fuck she’s talking about until I remember the reaction from some of the people in the Pit as we passed. I know what they thought they saw was me dragging her with me but really I was trying to support her as much as she would let me and she was fighting me on even that little bit. I know she’s angry over that. I also know that’s only a taste of what is on the horizon when it’s discovered she’s even my friend much less anything else. At some point, I’m going to have to talk to her about all that but right now I have other things to worry about.

When we get into my office I release the hold on her and let her ease down into a chair with a soft groan. Zach takes the chair beside her while Chase leans against the wall. I go around my desk to my chair and sit down as Zach launches into questioning her on how she’s feeling.

“It’s important that you be honest about how you’re feeling, Kat.” He admonishes her when she muttered she’s fine at first. “We need to know if what you were hit with might be still attacking your system.”

“What was I hit with if they weren’t neuro-stim darts?” I know she’s avoiding answering just as much as she honestly wants to know what’s going on with her.

For some reason, I’ve taken to carrying around one of the darts I pulled from her back in my jacket or vest pockets. I reach into the one it’s in today and pull it, looking at it before pointing to the needle. “Do you see the difference in what you were armed with for capture and what I’m holding?”

Kat doesn’t answer right away. She holds her hand out expectantly waiting as I hesitate to hand it over and only doing it because I know there isn’t any more of the serum inside of it. She takes a good look at it, turning it over as she does. 

“This is what I was hit with?” 

“Yes,” I replied tersely then look at Zach to continue with the lie we know we’re going to need to tell her.

“You had two of those in the back of your legs but you were also hit with eight regular ones that lodged into your back. More than a few of those were lodged deeply into your spine. Which we think is part of what is wrong with you. There’s never been a case of direct administration of the neuro-stim darts to the nervous system like it was when they hit there.”

She nods while eyeing the dart, analyzing it dispassionately before holding it out for me to take back. I quickly took it back and pocket it. 

“The needle is at least double the size of the ones you showed us after telling us about how the darts work. It would have penetrated much more deeply and it even has a slightly wider barb on the tip, making it more painful and difficult to remove. I’m also guessing that makes it more efficient in injecting whatever liquid it is equipped with as well. It makes sense because the vial looks to have double the capacity of the other darts. It would need to be able to release more and in a shorter amount of time before it could be removed. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have a maximum effect.”

“That’s...a pretty fucking dead accurate assessment, kitten. Other than the fact that the serum it contained is not the one Dauntless uses.” My hands clench into fists as I take measured breaths to remain calm.

“I suspected as much but what was it exactly?” Her tone is completely calm and accepting of everything so far.

Meanwhile, I’m barely holding it together right now and can’t handle even saying it much less thinking about it anymore. Even knowing that we aren’t going to tell her everything right now because I still don’t think we need to bring up her divergence even with this latest development. Zach’s not happy with my decision but I just can’t confront it before we need to. I want to know for sure she trusts us completely. Since there is a big chance she knows what she is and she’s probably been warned not to tell anyone about it. The second stage starts in a week and that means her fear sims and hopefully enough time to make sure she knows she can trust me. 

I hear Zach taking a breath to take over from me and answer her. “It’s a serum that is designed to attack the nervous system, princess. With enough of it and long enough exposure, it could destroy it. We think that because the ones in your legs didn’t go as deep and they weren’t in there as long, that it’s not as bad as it could have been. Had it been in your spine and left in for a longer period of time…”

He stops speaking. Unable to continue with the lie. Not when we know now by the simple fact that she’s even able to speak and move right now that she’s as highly divergent as we feared. She’s one of the ones Jeanine salivates over to test any and all serums on until she finally finds ones that can’t be resisted and this fact has us even more on edge right now. 

“We think that the serum will work it’s way out your system completely in a week or so. Until then we’re going to have to give you additional meds that will help to neutralize it and there’s a good chance you’ll continue to experience...things because of it.” I inform her after sucking it up and continuing on.

She nods while looking at her hands clasped in her lap. “Like it feeling as if I’m being electrocuted while at the same time sandpaper is being run over my skin. Like it feeling even the air on my skin is setting it on fire, not to mention clothes.”

“Has it been that way constantly since you woke up, Kat?” Chase finally speaks up and I hear the pain his voice.

“At first it was intense but now it feels more like background noise. It’s still there but I’m able to handle it. There are other flashes of shooting pains, more intense that seem to be mostly down my spine. Which, now that I know I got hit by darts there too, I guess it makes sense. You did say that there have never been direct hits to the spine like that before. I guess I’m turning into one big guinea pig all around here.”

“Fuck,” Chase grits out and turns away from us to lean against the wall. Zach is barely holding it together as he reaches out and grabs her hand to squeeze it. “Not if I can help it.” He says softly but firmly. And I know he's meaning that literally from all of us. Just like I know her offhand joke is what made Chase almost break just then. 

“Okay.” She clears her throat and looks back at him. “How long will it take for it to all go away?”

“We hope no more than a few weeks.” He answers her.

“But there’s a chance it will be longer.” Once again her tone is completely calm and accepting but this time I see something in her eyes that tells me this is how she’s choosing to deal with this. She’s trying to not let it break her and I hate that I might be about to do that to her.

“Kitten, there’s the chance that it could be…” I stop and squeeze my eyes shut for a second before forcing myself to go on. “Fuck. It could be permanent.”

She pales as her eyes widen and her lips tremble just a little before squares her shoulders, lifts her chin and looks me directly in the eye. “I take it this means I’m being cut?”

What. The. Fuck!

“What the fuck?” I blurt out the words running through my mind. “Why would you even think that?”

She gives a casual shrug of her shoulders and I’ve just about had it with this complacent behavior she’s using to mask whatever she’s really thinking and feeling. “Dauntless doesn’t accept any weakness, Eric. I know they’ve sent people to the factionless for a lot less and this is definitely something that could make me weak.”

I’m up and out of my chair in a blink then cross over to her just as quickly to take her chin in my hand and make her look at me. “Are you going to let it be a weakness, _Mary Katherine_? Is that what you’re telling me right now? That _you_ are _giving up_?” I bark out at her harshly and purposely using her Abnegation name while inferring she’s being a coward, knowing that will draw her out of whatever she’s started to descend into right now. “Are you going to _let_ it control you, _let_ it take over your life or make you weaker? Because if that’s the case then I can walk you out of the gate right fucking now.” I softened my tone and scowl when I see her eyes shining with tears back at me for the first time since we got in my office. “Or are you going to do what I _know_ you are capable of and use it to make you stronger instead? To show the warrior you are and not let it take one single thing from you?”

By the time I’m done issuing my challenge to her, there is that fire I love so much in her eyes and her back stiffens from the defeated posture she was starting to slouch into. 

“No, I won’t let it make me weaker. I won’t let them win.”

“Then fucking remember that, Kat. Anytime it gets bad and you think you won’t be able to carry on you remember that, and you better remember this as well. I believe in you. We believe in you. If I didn’t believe you could do this, you know I would be the first one to tell you the truth even if that meant you leaving.” 

Everything I say is the truth. All except that last part. I would willingly kill to keep her here if that’s what it takes but that’s not what she needs to hear right now. Besides, I know it won’t be necessary for her. She won’t let it come to that. She will fight with everything she has, until her last breath, and won’t let this or anything else beat her.

“I will, Eric.” She promises me softly with the fire still in her eyes but a smile on her lips for me as well.

I let her chin go and relax to lean on the edge of the front of my desk. “Good,” I sigh and rubbed the back of my neck tiredly then pulled my arm down to look at my watch. “Okay. We don’t have that long and we need to get these questions out of the way. What do you remember about that night and the attack?”

“I clearly remember everything up until I moved to try and push you and Peter out of the way. After that, it becomes more feelings of pain and disorientation. Do you need to know exactly what I saw and why I reacted as I did?”

“Yes, we need to know for the report and if there is any information that can help the investigation about it,” Chase confirms as he walks forward and leaned a hip against the end of my desk. 

“When Eric and Peter took point I started to try and cover our sides. I was going back and forth, and something was nagging me, making me feel like we were being watched from those directions as well as the back. I checked on them once, briefly, when I knew we’d been spotted by Four’s group and we were about to be engaged. Knowing they had it covered I turned back to cover the sides but when I did something caught my eye towards the rear. It wasn’t much really but there were spots in the darkness that was even darker and looked like they were moving. Then there was a brief flash of something that reminded me of when you guys came into the dorm to get us up. The light from a flashlight caught one of your gauges enough to make the metal shine a little and that was exactly what I saw. The shine of metal in the dark. I didn’t even have time to call out a warning before a group of men rushed in. I heard the shouts from Four’s group letting me know they spotted those groups too. I joined Tank and Edward as they engaged them before completing my turn to cover our sides. I shouldn’t have taken so long to do that in the first place. Maybe I would have seen the other group before they got so close. This time I didn’t have time to return fire or do anything else other than stop what they were already in the process of doing, and that was aiming and firing towards the people directly at the front and center of me. They were aiming at firing at you Eric, and I just...couldn’t let that happen.”

Chase must read something in my expression after she finishes telling her story. Or maybe it’s something in the air between us as our eyes are locked together. 

He clears his throat and I catch him moving forward and motioning to Zach before he stops in front of Kat. “I know you’re going to insist on training today but you need to take it easy. You don’t have to prove shit and we don’t want you hurting yourself more.” He leans down presses a kiss to the top of her head before looking back at me, giving me a nod of his head.  

“We need to give you more medication to handle your muscle and nerve spasms so I expect you at lunch, Princess,” Zach repeats the kiss to the top of her head before he follows Chase out the door and it clicks closed behind them.

It’s quiet after they leave, too quiet. But I don’t know what to say to fill the space her confession has left behind. It’s too fucking big. What the fuck can I say the fact that she’s basically just told me she threw herself in front of me and took what could have been bullets because she couldn’t let it happen to me? I know what I feel about it and that’s an entire mess in of itself. Which would make anything I say a mess because it won’t be enough or even the right thing to say.

The one clear thing it is making me feel that I’m fighting so hard against right now is it’s making me want to say fuck it to every line I’ve drawn between us. To say fuck it to every promise I made myself. 

But after what she did and thinking I almost lost her, after seeing just how strong my woman is as she fights against the unimaginable pain I know she felt just to put herself through more during training, I know I have to be stronger. If not for the sake of promises I made to myself I can make damn sure I’m strong enough to keep the ones I’ve made to her regardless if she knows them about them or not.

I sigh and hold out my hand to her. “We need to get going too.”

She nods and takes the hand I offered her, letting me pull her up out of the chair. Neither of us let go even as she moves along with me towards the door. Before I can reach for the handle this urge hits me hard and I have no chance of resisting the need for her in my arms for a second before we have to go out of that door and act like we don’t mean shit to each other. I turn and carefully tugged her towards me and into my arms before I spin her so that her back is at the door. She gasped at the sudden movement but doesn’t resist. Instead, her arms circle my waist and clutch tightly at my back.  

I start out just holding her close to my chest while running a hand up and down her back while I work on the words I want to say.

“I know why you did it, Kat.” I finally break the silence as I softly try to express a bit of what I’m feeling. “And I... you have to know that I’m not ungrateful for it...but goddamn you can’t do that to me again, kitten,” I say this as I brush my lips against her temple and pulled her even closer to me. I move a hand from her back where the other is still lightly stroking her, and cup the back of her head tilting it back so we can look at each other.

Though if I’m being honest with myself I’m also thinking hard about kissing her and this would be the perfect set up for it. The entire time I’ve been holding and stroking her she’s been giving the occasional soft gasp and moan. I didn’t think they were anything other than sounds of pleasure. Now looking at her face I see pain warring with pleasure in her expression and eyes making me realize there was more to those sounds.

I move my hand to stroke the side of her face, frowning in worry. “Are you in pain right now?”

She immediately starts to shake her head no, a little too vigorously as she gasps out, “No.”

“I need to be able to trust you won’t lie to me, Kat. So let’s try this again. Are you in pain right now?” I demand this from while I pass my hand down her pack again and her expression is all the answer I need.

She strains hard not to let it show, even biting down on her lip to hold in the gasp. Then it hits me that not only is she in pain but every single fucking gasp and moan she’s beeing making has been every time I’ve touched her. 

_I’m the one hurting her._

I can’t step away fast enough, feeling like ten tons of shit for having only been worried about trying to make a move on her when the entire time she was hurting. I’m so angry at myself...and hurt…

“Eric,” She gasps my name reaching for me as I pull away and I step further out of her reach. 

I shake my head and take a breath, masking everything I feel under a blank expression. “It’s time to get to training.”

Tears spill out of her eyes as she looks down. I step forward and start to reach out and wipe them away but remember why I can’t and that I’ll just hurt her again so pull my hand back. 

“You never going to touch me again.” She whispered brokenly before a sob wracked her body. 

It’s not lost on me that not once did she shed a tear as I told her she might have to live with a painful and possibly lifelong disability but right now she’s crying because of me. No matter how much I want to reassure her this won’t stop me, or us...the thought of causing her even a little pain stops me from speaking a lie. 

“Well figure this out. I promise.” It is the only thing I can manage to finally say.

She nods while scrubbing her hands over her face to wipe away her tears and doesn’t look at me as she moves turns to the door. I’m not even a full foot ahead of her as we walk to the training room but it feels like I’ve never been farther away from her than right now.

  



End file.
